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Please come and talk some sense into me :(

(66 Posts)
Arethereanyusernamesleft Thu 25-Jul-13 03:49:54

I have nc for this as dh knows my usual username.

I discovered dh's affair nearly 2 months ago - it involved lots of texts, messages, photos and a couple of meetings which only got as far as holding hands (so he says). This all went on for several months.

We talked it all through and agreed to try and make it work between us. The problem is he just can't let her go. He is absolutely convinced that they can stay in touch just as friends and can not see my point of view at all. Within hours of agreeing to give our marriage another chance he contacted her again by email to explain that they could probably stay in touch with 1 email a day. I only discovered this email exchange 3 weeks later when I checked his phone. The emails were all innocent but I explained that I can't move on from the affair when she is still in the picture. He was annoyed but sent her another goodbye message.

Fast forward 3 weeks and I have a feeling something is going on again. I can't find proof so I asked him and it turns out he only lasted 1 week before contacting her again. He showed me her reply to his first email and about 80% of it is her explaining how I'm being controlling, a control freak etc.

DH assures me he is only interested in friendship but from the information I have gathered I am very certain that she isn't.

He has now (supposedly) not been in touch with her for 2 weeks. However, yesterday dh discovered I had thrown away a little trinket that OW had given him. I came across it accidentally a week after discovering the affair and was really upset that he still kept it in his wallet. I thought he had thrown it away but found it hidden away a few weeks later. I was so angry I binned it. DH is really furious that I've thrown it away and to me this is just another sign that he is still very emotionally attached to her.

Is there any chance this is going to work? I really want to get back on track with dh but I feel I'm up against a losing battle.

Doha Thu 25-Jul-13 21:22:56

Treat her and her email with contempt they deserve---and ignore. She is trying to appear reasonable but will then tell your DH how unreasonable you are and that she was only trying to make things right. In fact she is only shit stirring.

You and only you can deal with you H but he is a lying cunt..and you know it

Arethereanyusernamesleft Thu 25-Jul-13 21:25:26

Thanks for all your great advice. I won't be replying to her and have blocked her so she can't contact me again.

Doha Thu 25-Jul-13 21:26:04

oh and this wee nugget really got to me---

I really think we need to clear up things instead of playing hide and seek, be bitter, hate each other or else

Just what have you done to make her bitter/hate you if their was nothing inappropriate in their friendship. hmm

Somethingtothinkabout Thu 25-Jul-13 21:38:04

OP I also think she's trying to bait you into responding with her blog pictures and then. when that didn't work, the email.

Honestly, you're H and her both sound vile, I'm tempted to say they deserve each other. Look after yourself, extract yourself from this game, you'll come out of this on top. flowers

misskatamari Thu 25-Jul-13 21:39:11

Oh my god she has a blog where she is writing this tripe!?! Cheeky bitch!

Xales Thu 25-Jul-13 21:46:30

There isn't a hope in hell of your relationship surviving in any decent state or you not being reduced to a hollow shell by this selfish pair.

I would reply to her email copying him in on it stating you have no wish to speak to her, for her not to contact you again and if she does you will go to the police and report her for harassment.

Tell him to fuck off to her and for them to blog together endlessly.

You deserve better than this.

Easier said than done I know.

Squitten Thu 25-Jul-13 22:10:16

Don't reply to her. At the end of the day, she is a triviality and she's trying to push herself into the middle of your relationship so she can gang up on you with your twat of a DH.

HE is your problem. If he was even slightly remorseful about what he has done, he would be begging for another chance and contacting her would be the LAST thing on his mind. The fact that he won't even consider breaking contact with her shows you exactly how much he respects you, your feelings and your marriage.

Throw him out ASAP. He needs to feel the full reality of what he has done and you need some space to work out what you want to do next and you cannot do that under all this pressure.

MysteriousHamster Thu 25-Jul-13 22:15:43

Why is your DH 'friends' with someone who is awful to you? He should be telling her to fuck off to fucktown.

She's trying to make herself feel more important than she actually is. Don't respond, just ignore.

Jux Thu 25-Jul-13 22:26:19

Good decision, Arethereany.

You need some space, and a bit of time, to clear your head and work out your options, without all the pressure this floozy and your h are applying to you.

He really does need to stew in a lonely bedsit for a while, not just so you get that time, but so he can reflect on the reality of his situation and the emptiness of his own future.

He really doesn't deserve you. You can do much better without him, though it may not look like that to you now (but how would you ever meet a better man, when you were still stuck with this sorry excuse?)

Jan45 Fri 26-Jul-13 10:25:14

OMG, the audacity, you've done the right thing, IGNORE.

I'd be very surprised if your OH didn't know she was going to contact you - no doubt they've hatched a story together and this was her attempt at feeding you more lies about them.

Still think you need to throw him out, he's allowing this woman to harrass you.

newlifeforme Fri 26-Jul-13 11:15:14

What an awful situation but your H is responsible for this.He is painting himself as a victim and she is the rescuer, you are the persecutor.Its the classic drama triangle.

It must be so painful for you as you know that firm boundaries around this women is needed but you can't do anything other than define the boundaries.Your H should get counselling.

forumdonkey Fri 26-Jul-13 11:38:08

I remember a friend of mine finding out her DH was calling in and chatting with a woman on a regular basis (he was a taxi driver and it made it easy for him). He insisted, and she believed him that they were only friends, but that doesn't mean she took it laying down.

One of the things she did (among a lot of other things) was just left him to it. Stopped questioning him, checking up on him, asking where he was, when he'd be back etc etc. She then started texting an ex and basically played him at his own game. Strangely enough suddenly he was interested in her and what she was doing and his focus moved from OW to his own wife. The fact that he was suddenly so bothered was more satisfying than the brick she through the OW's window following a doorstep confrontation where she had demanded her DH took her to her house (and he did!)

They are divorced now and she is remarried. Keep your dignity and good luck OP

Arethereanyusernamesleft Tue 03-Sep-13 15:27:57

I'd like to update this with a happy ending but unfortunately it's not. I've continued the post somewhere a little more private.

Damn it - no idea how to get to there.
Hopefully you'll give us a brief update when you can on here?
And am hoping you kicked his sorry arse out of your door!

Quiltcover Tue 03-Sep-13 17:57:00

Where is this private place that mumsnetyers go to. How do we get there?

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