Please come and talk some sense into me :(

[Arethereanyusernamesleft]

I have nc for this as dh knows my usual username.

I discovered dh's affair nearly 2 months ago - it involved lots of texts, messages, photos and a couple of meetings which only got as far as holding hands (so he says). This all went on for several months.

We talked it all through and agreed to try and make it work between us. The problem is he just can't let her go. He is absolutely convinced that they can stay in touch just as friends and can not see my point of view at all. Within hours of agreeing to give our marriage another chance he contacted her again by email to explain that they could probably stay in touch with 1 email a day. I only discovered this email exchange 3 weeks later when I checked his phone. The emails were all innocent but I explained that I can't move on from the affair when she is still in the picture. He was annoyed but sent her another goodbye message.

Fast forward 3 weeks and I have a feeling something is going on again. I can't find proof so I asked him and it turns out he only lasted 1 week before contacting her again. He showed me her reply to his first email and about 80% of it is her explaining how I'm being controlling, a control freak etc.

DH assures me he is only interested in friendship but from the information I have gathered I am very certain that she isn't.

He has now (supposedly) not been in touch with her for 2 weeks. However, yesterday dh discovered I had thrown away a little trinket that OW had given him. I came across it accidentally a week after discovering the affair and was really upset that he still kept it in his wallet. I thought he had thrown it away but found it hidden away a few weeks later. I was so angry I binned it. DH is really furious that I've thrown it away and to me this is just another sign that he is still very emotionally attached to her.

Is there any chance this is going to work? I really want to get back on track with dh but I feel I'm up against a losing battle.

[Arethereanyusernamesleft]

After reading that back I think I already know the answer...he's always going to go back to her isn't he

[wintersdawn]

it will only work if he cuts her out of his life for good and based on what you've said it doesn't look like he's willing to do that.

[sussexmum38]

You are being so patient with him but she is like an addiction to him and he can't help himself and I can't see him giving her up. He's a fool to lose you but he has to go when you are ready.

[PedantMarina]

Yeah, what you said.

Frankly, the alleged feelings he has about her are only a side-issue (an extremely important one, but still) - what's really crucial is that is that he's repeatedly lied to you, despite all the promises and renewed promised to come clean, etc.

[Inertia]

You are right. It's never going to be resolved while he is still entangled in his romantic dream. He is acting like he thinks you are a spoilsport parent rather than the partner he is trying to rebuild a trusting marriage with. And he is still lying to you.

[Carolra]

Name change back. Let him find this thread... He's not going to get too many more chances to fix his marriage and he should know the damage his behaviour is causing.

Do you have dcs OP? Does he not see what he could stand to lose?

This woman sounds like a massive bitch as well, it astounds me how she could want to be involved with this situation. Doesn't it just make you want to punch her?

I think the previous posters are all probably right, if he's going to lie to you about this woman then he's not interested in saving your marriage. I'm really sorry OP, I hope he realises what he's doing before its too late.

[EatYourCrusts]

You are right, he isn't going to give her up at this stage. He doesn't seem to want to.

[Cabrinha]

No, it doesn't sound like he's at all prepared to give her up or even that remorseful.
With regards to her calling you controlling... Let's just say we all live in cloud cuckoo land where he only wanted friendship with her (right...) and she was happy with that (right...)
In what way would it be acceptable for him to keep a friend who slagged you off?!!! It's not.

[EhricLovesTeamQhuay]

If he won't give her up then it won't work. And if he doesn't feel sorry and remorseful and have the wish to do whatever it takes to win back your trust, including but not limited to cutting her out then there is absolutely no hope. He's taking you for a mug.

[kalidanger]

Ugh. Think back to how happy and in love you both were when you got together. Skipping hand-in-hand through a swirling dreamworld of

[akaWisey]

No it's not going to work.

[JessicaBeatriceFletcher]

Of course it's not going to work. Kick the lying tow rag out.

[Arethereanyusernamesleft]

I can always rely on mumsnetters to give sensible advice and a good kick up the backside!! When you're in the midst of things it is so difficult to think straight. Thank you for all the replies.

carolra - we have 2 dcs and the only time he has shown any remorse was during our conversation 2 weeks ago when I brought up the affect it would have on the kids. He started crying then and said he felt a failure.

I certainly feel like punching the bitch but I'm trying to remain dignified in that respect and have refused to talk to her (apparently dh says she wants to discuss it with me to clear the air so they can carry on their friendship). Meanwhile she is posting frequent abusive messages about me online

[kalidanger]

You've got to get rid of him. He's acting like a lunatic.

[EhricLovesTeamQhuay]

Kick him out. Don't feel like you can't because he will just run to her, if that's where he wants to be then you cannot have him at home with you anyway. If he comes crawling back full of remorse in 3 months then maybe you can talk. Otherwise he's treating you like a dick and you can't allow him to do that.

[nurseneedshelp]

Blimey I can't imagine what you're going through, sounds like he's not prepared to give this other woman up.

Not sure how you can carry on wirh your marriage, you'll struggle to trust him again.

You sound lovely and you're worth so much more than that!

[Carolra]

Hold on a minute OP - this woman is posting abusive messages about you on line and your DH wants to be friends with her?! Does he know about the online messages?

If my DH was "friends" with someone who was being publically rude about me, I'd ask him quite politely to fuck right off. And that's without any of the affair stuff as well.

Tell him to back his bags - he HAS failed at marriage - he's going to have to deal with that. I think there's every chance he'll come back after a couple of months and then you can decide what you want to do - but right now he's taking the piss. All that "woe is me" stuff is bollocks. He needs to man the fuck up.

[Arethereanyusernamesleft]

No he doesn't know about the online stuff. She doesn't name me but it's about as subtle as a brick through a window. The stuff she wrote to dh in the email is much worse. The reason he showed me the email is because that is where she had expressed the desire to talk things through with me. He seemed oblivious to all the other rubbish she had written about me. I forwarded the message to myself and these are a couple of things cut and pasted from the email -

• I know you are a victim. I'm sorry but forbid someone to have a friend (despite the closeness and despite ONE mistake - we are humans - we all do mistakes and things looking like mistakes for some people because I can't say we have done any mistake actually)... is pure control and slavery.
  

-Don't worry about you breaking promises. In your situation I don't know what I would have done. Or yes I know, I would have been aggressive towards the one trying to force me to do anything and tell that person that slavery is over.

She's a real charmer isn't she?!

Anyway, thanks to you lot, today is the first day in nearly 6 months that I actually feel stronger and a bit more in control. I've still got to talk to dh about it all and I'm not looking forward to that but reading all your messages has helped me so much. I keep reading this thread over and over!!

[GetStuffezd]

URGH! What a pompous, pretentious wanker she sounds. And for him to demand to be allowed to maintain a 'friendship' with this woman is quite simply outrageous. Quite frankly he sounds like he doesn't even like you very much. Get rid of him!

[MrsMadsMikkelson]

They're both as deluded and pathetically codependant as each other OP.

The fact he dared to stay friends with this woman is beyond a piss take. Keep your self respect and do what needs to be done.

[misskatamari]

Gosh what a bloody bitch! She's trying to wreck your family and thinks its perfectly okay! Your husband doesn't deserve you. You are willing to forgive him and work through things and he just continues to behave disrespectfully towards you and your family. Good luck speaking to him, stay strong, you are 100% in the right and he is being a total shit!

[JohFlow]

If thinking about the situation feels so painful - and I understood how it could be. Just ask yourself hypothetically...

1.) Can you trust a man that hides what he is doing deliberately?
2.) Can you live with a man that knows you are hurt by his actions - and continues anyway?
3.) Can you support someone who does not defend you when a false picture of you is circulated?

Forget about 'the other woman' for a moment - she is obviously not clever enough to know that there are two sides to every story (soemthing quite pathetic in that).

Time to put unmovable boundaries in I think.

Best of Luck - go to it girl!!

[FayeKorgasm]

I'm so sorry OP but based on my experience - v similar to yours - this isn't going to end well. Even if he does finally cut all ties with this person, what he has done to your trust and love can't be repaired.

I left my ExH as I wasn't prepared to accept his total disregard for my health and happiness. Anyone who can do this to the one person they are supposed to love above all others - yes I'm a romantic fool- is not worth the pain.

Oh yes. Those crocodile tears, don't let them fool you.

Move on and move up!

[ImperialBlether]

I'm sorry, but I think you are fooling yourself if you think they have only held hands. When she says "one mistake" I think she is referring to the fact they have slept together.

Also, when she says she wants to meet you to explain or whatever, then she is trying to bring herself into the limelight as a major player. The more you insist this is between you and him, the more pissed off she will be.

What I've learned is that you can't actually split up two people who are having a relationship. You can't tell him to stop having those feelings. He is still in a relationship with her and for me, that would be unacceptable.

In a similar way, no matter how hard she tried, if he was determined to be in a good relationship with you, he would have told her to get lost. He didn't.

For your own self esteem I would end it now. Take control, tell him where to go.