Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Can we ever go back?

(33 Posts)
caitsmummy Wed 24-Jul-13 22:36:57

A week ago my husband of nearly 4 yearsa told me he didn't love me anymore and he wanted us to separate. It all come about because for years I was always pushing him away whenever he came to kiss or cuddle me, i was scared it would initiate sex snd I was just always too tired to do that...i wern't intimate with himatt all, and that eventually wore him dowm. Ive recently been diagnosed with depression over a bad past and he said I should get counselling to sort that out and he also needs to sort his head out. He said he can never forget what has happened and cant see a way back for us. We have 2 kids under 3 and we still get on,he is staying with his sister at the mo and comes home for tea and to put the kids to bed then goes again,we are both amicable and friendly but thats it....he said he doesn't have those feelings for me anymore. Im still holding on hoping that once I start this counselling and he sorts his head out whether we could move obn from this and start again....would it work? or as too much water gone under the bridge? please help...xx

Lweji Thu 25-Jul-13 11:54:57

You're right, it doesn't seem like he cares.

sad

Rummikub Thu 25-Jul-13 12:08:28

I think you need to start building a new life for you. He is still having access to you and family life. He isn't seeing what he's letting go as he still has it.

It is very hard to not save your family and relationship. Somewhere along the way you have lost your connection to each other. Maybe distance can bring that back, but don't wait for it or beg for it. That's soul destroying (been there, don't recommend it).

Well IMHO - Cogito ALWAYS give sound and supportive advice.
I'm sorry, but I'm with her on this one.
I hope we are both wrong. But the wording and language he is using is typical 'script' for this kind of thing.

Do go to counselling and get the help you need to be yourself again.
It may be that things can be resolved and you can start again.
Fingers crossed for you and I hope it all works out for the best.

melmo26 Thu 25-Jul-13 14:50:03

Reading your post you keep saying things like 'since then iv got better at showing my feelings' and 'im keeping on top of the housework so not an issue'
Isn't it odd that now he has gone you are getting back to yourself. Does that not tell you something?

If my husband told me he no longer loved me that would be it, and there would be no 'keeping a foot in the door'. I certainly would not be making his dinner.
See the kids yeah but nothing else.

Maybe you should concentrate on you and DC for a while. See where things go once you have sorted your own feelings out. Good luck

Jan45 Thu 25-Jul-13 15:01:03

Oh I am sorry to hear this, you sound so sad, I hope you find the counselling helps. Hate to say it but are you sure his leaving is purely based on you and him and there isn't someone else in the background, I'd keep that in mind esp with his attitude of not even wanting to give it one last shot.

Would he consider you two `dating` again?

twoofakind Thu 25-Jul-13 15:32:53

Thank you all for your comments...they really are helping me get through this! Jan45....ive advised dating again but he not interested yet.

Hellsbellsmelons....a few weeks ago I was worried that he had feelings for another woman and so I confronted him about it,i told him I know you wouldn't do anything just wanted to know if he had a crush on her, he said he didn't but needed time to think as if i thought that then maybe he did deep down, he said he needed a couple days to think....I got upset and later that night he said he didn't have feelings for her, he loves me and wants to try and move on.
I found it hard to believe as he went from saying he needed a couple of days to 2 hours later he had made his mind up.

That week I kept asking him are you sure your happy, and he kept saying yes but if you keep asking me then id be unsure you are. I told him I was but found it strange how suddenly he changed his mind.

We carried on for a few days but still I couldn't get what happened out of my head, he seemed too attached to his phone and was funny when i walked into the room. One night I posted something on Face-book about how much I hated home wreckers and if anyone ever came in between me and my husband they would rue the day they where born. He hated that I had put that and said your just saying we are having problems in our marriage and you've not moving on from whats happened, that night he separated with me, said he didn't love me anymore and cant see how we can move on.

That was a week ago. Since then he is staying at his sisters and coming here to have tea with us and help put the kids to bed then goes away again, we are amicable with each other. He said he thinks I should go and see a councillor and sort my head out and he needs time to sort his head out, he doesn't want to see a councillor,wants to try and do it on his own he said.

He said he doesn't want me to hold on hope that's hes going to come back,but he needs time to clear his head.

Jan45 Thu 25-Jul-13 15:36:39

Well from what you have just written it looks like there was and possibly still is a woman on the scene, and yes, what you put on FB was basically telling the world you had problems!

Rummikub Thu 25-Jul-13 15:52:50

You need to get some control back. Back off, leave him to mull things over. In mean time, start to look after yourself. You're already feeling better and more like yourself. Do it for you, not him. You don't need to make any decisions yet other than to look after you.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now