Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Feeling downtrodden and detached from my partner

(68 Posts)
DfanjoUnchained Wed 24-Jul-13 09:06:11

Ive been with my dp for 4 years. My dp doesn't have much joy. He doesn't notice a beautiful flower, sunset, view and smile. When he walks he's got tunnel vision and is in his own world, thinking about what he needs to do.

He is very selfish. Never offers to make dinner. When I walk in the door with huge car seat and ds, 2 big bags he won't get up and help because he's working (sitting at a desk in living room). He is very self absorbed and admits this but nothing changes.

If we have an argument, he will always name call. He called me mug and prick over minor things which really upset me.

When I arrange weekend days out, he's grumpy, never smiles. We went to a festival last weekend with live music and amazing food and children playing. I was making conversation but he'll either 'mm' back or silence.
He'll then moan he wants to go, it's too hot etc etc. my good mood is then gone and I feel depressed.

He's not like this with anyone else, he's so animated with his friends and strangers or about football. When his friends make plans, he'll run there. When I do he'll stall as much as possible or make us late as he obviously doesn't want to go. So I feel like he really doesn't like me much. I have a 7 month old and really don't want him to call me names or copy his dad.

He was abused as a child by his mother so I feel like I should look after him. I feel sorry for the child he was and want to wrap him up. But he really grinds me down, I feel down trodden a lot.

He also has a quick temper. While in labour I asked him to slow down over bumps (obv in a shouty-ish way as I was having awful contractions) he slammed the breaks on and yelled at me and made me cry.

He's good with ds and will play with him, change him, bathe etc but I have to tell him to do everything which is v annoying.

He proposed to me recently and I don't know if I ever want to marry this man, my gut says no, my heart, yes. I do love him deeply but I don't feel like I'm in love with him anymore. I feel very distant, especially after the recent 'mug' thing and festival.

We are going to counselling and having CBT. She sets commitments to do each week and so far they haven't been done.

I don't really know why I posted but wanted to get it out.

BadSkiingMum Wed 24-Jul-13 11:56:36

I think an honest conversation with your dad might be the way to go.

DfanjoUnchained Wed 24-Jul-13 12:00:45

I did Bad with my stepmum and dad. Then he proposed a week later. My head is a mess. Going to go out with my ds and dsis. He works from home so we're in eachothers pockets all day so I make sure to go out a lot

DfanjoUnchained Wed 24-Jul-13 12:02:10

Cog yes it will be a buy-to-let mortgage. Will read up.

I think I want to raise all of this tomorrow at counselling but I'm worried it'll all come out garbled. Ill try and compose a list or something.

Thank you for replies, they really help. Feel so run down atm

DfanjoUnchained Wed 24-Jul-13 12:04:08

I do think some of it is my fault. I ask him to stuff so that seems like nagging I guess. But if he took initiative I wouldn't have to always ask.

I do majority of housework and childcare though which is fine by me because he works full time. But on the weekend I would like a break but it doesn't happen

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 24-Jul-13 12:08:47

It's not your fault. In a loving, equal relationship, partners ask each other to do things all the time and don't fall out. Whereas abusive, controlling men take any tiny thing and deliberately blow it up out of proportion to start an argument so that they make you feel bad.

'I wouldn't treat you so badly if you didn't ask me to do stuff' is the standard excuse of the bully and it's a load of rubbish.

Dahlen Wed 24-Jul-13 12:11:26

Dfanjo - please don't marry this man.

Think about how you felt in the car on the way to hospital in labour, and imagine the rest of you life peppered almost constantly with incidents like this.Where you need support, help, or even just some happy companionship, you will be met with blame, irresponsibility and grumpiness. If you marry him you're giving him carte blanche to carry on behaving like this, and I suspect very strongly that it will develop into a much sinister form of abuse.

You ask what more you can do because you're already assertive. The answer is leave. You can be as assertive as you like, but unless this man receives some consequences for his behaviour why on earth would he change things? Right now he just has to tune you out when you "go off on one" and ignore it, knowing that in a little while normal service will be resumed. sad

You deserve an awful lot more than this. Even as a single mother of two you would find life inordinately easier than living with a man who is essentially hamstringing any attempt at happiness and security.

joblot Wed 24-Jul-13 12:17:32

Another in the don't marry camp. Also what comes across from your posts is that he doesn't like you. No wonder you feel so low

MadBusLady Wed 24-Jul-13 12:49:02

It sounds very like he kicks you when you're down on purpose. That labour thing is just not normal. Does the counsellor know about that?

Jan45 Wed 24-Jul-13 13:09:15

What amazes me is he asked you to marry him, I don't get it, he acts like he doesn't even like you very much, I'd be concerned, he either has a warped idea of what marriage is or he is intending to have the control of you even more by marriage, please don't do it, you've only been with him 4 years and in that time he's called you a prick, a mug, never helps with the house or children, I am actually struggling to work out what you are getting from this relationship - it sounds so depressing.

Anniegetyourgun Wed 24-Jul-13 13:31:17

If you take a step back and think about it, I suspect you'll realise the "good times" are actually more like an absence of bad times. When your P is behaving like a normal human being it seems special because it's so rare.

He has so many red flags flying it's scary! Really!
I don't say this often but..
GET OUT - GET OUT - GET OUT!!

Viking1 Wed 24-Jul-13 13:59:58

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cestlavielife Wed 24-Jul-13 14:05:46

my exp wanted to marry me...he was always moaning, didnt seem to like me very much etc...it makes sense from a distance, he wanted to create further ties, make a statement to the world. he doesnt love you he just wants you as a thing/status/somone to bully etc. hero worship putting you on a pedestal one minute moaning the next... they all flags

dontyouwantmebaby Wed 24-Jul-13 15:16:17

oh OP I really feel for you. Living with a selfish, joyless man such as this sucks the life out of you, even if you are normally quite an assertive person.

you're already doing CBT and counselling with him?

the thing that strikes me about your post that is very telling (amongst many others of course) is that he doesn't bother to get up when you are struggling in the door with car seat, shopping etc.

there's only so many times you can put this down to selfishness, self-absorbed, in his own world, bad temper, abusive childhood.

It sounds like he is taking you for granted and you sound so miserable. I have lived with someone who sucked the joy out of everything, in the end going to anything like a festival, concert, walk by the river became a chore. The pleasure all gone - its no way to live. And yet he can be all smiles and charms for other friends?

I hope you can go to your dads for some space to think about what is best for you, more years of living like this and IME it only gets harder to pluck up the courage to get out (and yes, I loved my misery guts!).

NicknameTaken Wed 24-Jul-13 16:13:28

He wants to marry you but doesn't seem to like you? But he likes having a whipping boy when he feels bad, doesn't he? You can serve all sorts of purposes for him that aren't really about shared loving.

You wanting to rescue him because of his bad childhood rang all sorts of bells with me. This need to rescue can set you up for really problematic relationship dynamics. You might want to try reading Robin Norwood's "Women who love too much" (as well as the usual recommendation on her for Lundy Bancroft, Why does he do that?)

Why would you marry him? Honestly, why volunteer for more years of misery?

To shout at you and make you cry when you're in labour is just awful.

Shellywelly1973 Wed 24-Jul-13 16:42:13

You've been together 4 years...
Just 4 years. I wish when i had been with my 'dp' only 4 years i had left.
14 years later, Im exhausted & trapped. My dp dosnt shout at me. He only does things as instructed.

He can't /won't change. I will leave eventually or make him, whatever is easier.

Don't waste anymore time. Your so young. You have time on your side...i don't. It will get worse as your dc get older. My dp was hands on when the dc were babies, he's totally useless now.

Im as strong as an ox, i don't need him for anything. Hes not supported me during horribly difficult, sad & heartbreaking times. I know my dp won't support me when i need him. Its made me hard, tough & bitter... Don't let that happen to you.

DfanjoUnchained Wed 24-Jul-13 18:06:58

Thanks for all the replies, I'm going to read the properly after I settle ds.

He definitely knows something is up because he's being very nice and attentive, trying to kiss me when I came home.

ImperialBlether Wed 24-Jul-13 18:20:35

Now don't take this the wrong way, but why on earth does he want to marry you? He doesn't want to make your life easier and is angry with him if you ask him to; witness his yelling at you when you complained about his driving in labour. (And I had the road bump problem too, but when I shrieked in agony I got non-stop apologies and driving at 5mph from that moment till we arrived at the hospital.)

He doesn't want to be with you.

He's not affectionate towards you.

OP, frankly, he sounds horrible. Everyone can be nice occasionally, so don't think that's his true self. He sounds as though he's messed up about his mum and is transferring that to you. That's his problem.

Ask your dad about his house. Check, though, anonymously, whether you can claim housing benefit if the owner is a close relative.

You are 28 with a lovely child. Be happy. You only get this one chance.

Branleuse Wed 24-Jul-13 18:30:39

dump him

DfanjoUnchained Wed 24-Jul-13 20:52:12

I really don't know why he proposed to be honest and I was embarassed to admit it in couselling obviously. He said it felt like the right time since ds had come along. It was all v romantic and lovely.

We have good weeks and bad weeks. It really is a love hate relationship as when he's happy and upbeat he's so helpful and loving, but when he's down (or I am) then it's depressing.

Your posts have been really helpful. I'm hoping counselling will be a good way for me to air some of this tomorrow

HansieMom Wed 24-Jul-13 21:12:47

Please get away from him. He is joyless. Wouldn't you like to be with someone who enjoys things, who is fun? Who is kind and helpful?

I'd be careful with moving into a house with him. Much better to be on your own, just you and baby. Not have him around to drag you down.

Do look after yourself. Get away from him and be happy!

Just to say in my area you can't rent with HB a house owned by a parent. But I know in some areas you can because people have refered to it on here ... hope my LA is an exception...

Agree with others on here about getting away from him. Best wishes.

LisaMed Thu 25-Jul-13 08:28:22

If you are married he has a claim on any inheritance - eg a house. Just sayin.

DfanjoUnchained Thu 25-Jul-13 09:30:35

That's why I'm not even considering marrying him atm.

Counselling this morning. Going to ask him why he proposed and discuss how I've been feeling after the weekend.

He's been in a good mood now for a good few days, but I've been acting like he was - quiet etc I usually make dinner, get him tea but I've been just looking after myself. I really think he takes me for granted and when he realises it he takes more initiative etc

I hope your counseling goes okay.

This man sounds awful. There's not a single thing in any of your posts that suggests you should stay with him.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now