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Ex demanding money.(57 Posts)
So, I threw my gambling ex out a few months ago. I said it might be temporary if he sorted out his habit and got some cash together. I said it would be at least a year, but we could date and see how things went. All has been going well, he tells me he's on top of the money situation and he isn't gambling. We even booked a holiday to center parcs - which I have paid for in full, along with activities, on the understanding that ex would give me a little bit towards it.
He turns up at mine tonight, in his car, slurring his speech a little. Says he has only had two pints of shandy. I don't believe him. He is a bit grandiose and arrogant, saying he has been offered a new job. Starts to open a can of beer. I stop him and ask him how he's getting home, as he's not driving and he can't stay with me. He gets aggressive.
He then says he needs £300. He had a minor bump in the car, his fault and has to pay the damages (not going through insurance). I said no - as I've paid for the holiday, I have three dcs to bring up on my own and I don't want to lend him money. He insists I had promised him. I'm sure I did not. Last month ex got £900 from a whiplash claim, so I naturally assumed he'd put some aside for this accident that he knew he'd have to pay for. I explained that I didn't mind paying for the holiday, as it was my treat for the kids, but I wasn't paying for the damage he'd caused to someone else's car.
He starts shouting and pointing his finger at me, saying I promised. He knows I have a few thousand in my account from some work I've done recently - but I worked bloody hard for that money and I'm a single mum with a house to keep. He seems to think he is entitled to it. I told him to never come back and I've asked my mum to come to Center Parcs with me. I think I'm right - even if I HAD promised to lend ex the money (which I don't remember doing) he has no right to treat me like this. He earns a good salary, but is saddled with debt. Meantime, since he left, I've never been so financially secure. I don't think that's a coincidence.
Am I in the right here? What should I do now? I'm worried he'll withdraw maintenance money out of spite.
Sorry OP - but he sounds like the kind of guy you should expect absolutely nothing from. Even looking after his own DC is a way to attempt to manipulate and control you.
Can you get proper childcare? Have you looked into what Working Tax Credits you will be entitled to to help pay the childcare?
Can you consider detaching from him completely? To regain control yourself. Nothing will show him you are moving on more than asking nothing from him at all. Give him a few months of this and you might well find his attitude changes.
In the meantime, if he is coming into your home password protect everything. Allow him access to nothing personal of yours.
I'm now 8 months separated - X was abusing cocaine secretly for years. Me detaching is working very well for us! It's taken every breath of air out of his sails and he has been forced (by me doing actually very little but cutting him off and engaging with him ONLY on my level - not his) to really honestly look at himself and is slowly making revolutionary changes (time will tell of course).
He's now threatening not to look after the dc while I work because he's found out I've been on a date. He guessed and then accused me of lying to him.
You need to put a password (or new password) on your computer so he can snoop/use it when he comes around. My exP did the same while using my flat to look after DC - he then shouted/raged at me - I took my keys back and password protected my laptop, in my own home, so not to feel invaded. if he needs a computer whilst looking after the DC then he will have to bring his own.
It is sad things didn't work out and he isn't the man you need - of possibly even then man he wants to be. It is sad you can't fix him. It is sad the father of your DC is a dickhead.
I feel the same sadness.
STILL at least I'm not getting shouted at now, and I don't have to worry about his debts or drug addiction. Which is FANTASTIC!
It really is OK to be tough, set limits and stand by them - in fact its essential.
I have no advice as I've never been in your boat, but just wanted to say your strength of character really shines out of your posts.
Everyone deserves a partner who will put them first. I hope you can stay strong.
Exactly dontcallmehon, and no one is going to suggest you are, cos you ain't!
Hope you are ok today? x
Thanks OnIlkelyMoorBahtat, that makes sense. Not one person has suggested I'm wrong yet, so that tells me something. At the very least he hasn't treated me very well over the years.
dontcallmehon you are doing absolutely the right thing, and hope you don't mind me reviving the thread but just wanted to pick up on where you said " And I know I could make it better, but I can't do it." - you're half right - as in, no you can't make it better, only he can - by addressing his gambling problem, and as you said above, he's not willing to.
Whatever happens, don't forget it's him that wrought this on your marriage, not you. Take care x
I know. I keep wondering what will become of him. He took kids to park today and afterwards sat on my sofa looking so sad. And I know I could make it better, but I can't do it.
You're heartbroken because of what could have been, which is natural. But try to remember how things actually are - it is going to be hard, but you've already said you're doing the right thing, and you can do it!
I will. I just feel thoroughly heartbroken.
Change your passwords and change the locks.
Thank you notanymore, that means a lot. It's not easy - hence me still being up at this hour, but I'm doing ok.
You are SO right, and I have SO much respect for you
Just searched my old threads on relationships from years ago. Now I know I'm doing the right thing.
No, he doesn't really believe he has a problem and I don't believe he has sought out proper help. I've given him so many chances.
It's not the first time or even the second or third time he's lied about money. The amounts of money involved are not ridiculously huge yet (although substantial- we could cope with it if he was able to change), but it's more the deceit and the lack of trust.
I suppose I expected him to argue about the agreement, but he's just signed everything to me without question. Which is what I wanted - but it's .
OP it really sounds as if you are doing the right thing. He doesn't really deep down inside believe he has a gambling problem, does he? You've got to protect yourself and your DCs.
You MUST password protect everything or better yet, take your laptop with you! Keep your phone on you at all times. Get the keys back.
Yes, this is true. I keep thinking 'what if I'm wrong.' He's not really admitting to anything and he can lie convincingly, but then today he said he understood why I had to do this and I was right. He just looked so sad :-(
We've been together for ten years and I do still care deeply about him and what happens to him. That makes it harder.
But everyone is commenting on how glowing and happy I look since I finished with him and even though I'm not sleeping properly, I think they're right. That must tell me something.
What Wisey said, you cant save him, hes gotta do that himself.
Yes you are, don't doubt your decision because you are sad.
You can't rescue him from his addiction and you don't have to. His devastation should be the catalyst for getting his life together IN HIS OWN RIGHT but not with you as the 'prize'.
Time for you to try and move on. You can do it.
Feel really sad. He's obviously devastated. He's signed agreement with no argument. I am doing the right thing, aren't I?
Password protect your laptop, or put a lock and your bedroom door and leave your important stuff in there.
He was here today, looking after the kids while I worked. He has to have them at my house, as his mum can't cope with the three of them at hers. Not ideal.
Since we separated and I decided it might well be permanent, I had a date arranged for next week. I don't want to rush into anything - it was just a coffee.
Anyway, he's now being horrible to me as he snooped around on my laptop and found my online dating profile. I'd left it logged in by mistake. Not that I need to hide anything, but it's none of his business. He read all my messages. I'm sure he looks at my phone and he's snooped around on Mumsnet too :-( He's probably read this.
You can get a seperation thingy on your credit file too (sorry not sure what it is called disassociation or something?) so that nothing he does credit wise will affect you.
And afaik you can put a fraud alert on your file too so that extra identity checks must be carried out so it makes him fraudulently getting CC in your name much much harder.
You think he hasnt done it so far, but if he is desperate for money then he may well do it in the future. Better to make life a little harder for yourself (such as when you got your car for eg) by finance taking longer than to go through the hell that is credit fraud. Trust me on this, my parents went through it twice and it was awful.
I'll do that, but I got credit myself very recently for a car - so I doubt he has done that. He is incapable of keeping up with repayments, so if he did have credit in my name I would know about it. I really don't think he has.
The separation agreement is expensive, but it'll be more expensive without one.
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