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What should my next move be with this guy? Or maybe he is not worth bothering about at all? LONG and teenagery- sorry!

(24 Posts)
gloriousweather Mon 22-Jul-13 19:23:20

I met a guy through a website for casual hookups about 3 weeks ago. He lives in London but comes to my city for work once or twice a month. I have found myself falling for him but can't figure out if he feels the same.

We initially met up for drinks to see if there was chemistry. I stayed for 2 hours then went home. I can't say I was blown away by him at first but felt a mild attraction and so told him I would stay in his hotel next time he came up (he told me he found me attractive).

The next time I met him he showered me with compliments in the bar we met up in. He implied that he sees me as being way out of his league and that he can't believe his luck that I find him attractive (I didn't have a photo on my online profile so he contacted me not knowing what I look like although I sent him some photos before we met). When we went back to the hotel I still didn't feel a strong strong attraction but from the minute we started kissing, it just felt "right" (as they say in the songs, such a cliche but something just really clicked!).

From the next week we were texting a huge amount and he arranged to come up the following Friday despite not having to be up for work. In one of his texts he wrote that he hadn't felt this excited about a girl in years. In another he said that his perfect day would be talking to me all day and having sex with me all night. When he got here we had an evening of (what I thought was) amazing sex and went out for lunch before he had to get his plane back down the following day. He was affectionate at lunch and had his arm around me or on my knee. When I was walking him to the bus station to get to the airport he said that "this has turned out to be more than I thought it would" (or maybe it was "this is turning out to be more than I thought it would"?).

Since he went back down South he has been in contact much less. When I text him his texts are still kind and sweet but he doesn't always try to continue the conversation. He is about to change jobs so I know he is busy tying up loose ends in the company he is leaving but even so, I'd have thought he'd be more in touch if he was excited about me. I haven't texted him excessively, as I know he is quite busy. He still has to come up again before he leaves this job and might have to come up in his new job too.

The second last text I sent he didn't reply to even though I could see he was online on the site I met him through (not a problem - we are both free to see and sleep with other people but I don't like being ignored). I eventually sent a text saying I was sorry to bore him and if he was coming up again to let me know the dates and that I'd let him know if I was free. He got back to me the next day saying he wasn't ignoring me but got my text when getting into a cab and gets terrible motion sickness from looking at the screen (!?). He said he went straight to bed as soon as he got home and signed off with two kisses. I got that on Thursday and haven't bothered texting him since as it made me feel bad.

I know this all seems terribly teenager-y but I have only been in love once before. I was 17 and the relationship was very short lived and also abusive. I am now in my early thirties so it has been 14 years and to be honest I'd come to accept that I'd never feel like that again - the last 3 weeks have kind of knocked me for six. I will not pursue this at any cost but it's so unusual for me I'm reluctant to just leave it. On the one hand I don't think he'd just not bother to reply to me if he was really into me but then why say all that stuff?! He said it all when he knew we would definitely have sex and there was no reason to say it as it was just supposed to be a casual arrangement.

Part of me thinks he maybe did really like me but has realised how expensive it would be to continue if he doesn't end up coming up through the new company.

Should I just leave this? If not, what should I do next?

awkwardsis Mon 22-Jul-13 19:26:33

The clue here is in your very first sentence. He's not looking to get attached, was looking for a quick shag. It sounds like he might be married too, or why would he not look for someone in his own town? I think just forget it and move on

Twinklestein Mon 22-Jul-13 19:30:49

You're on a site for 'casual hookups' so you got a casual hookup.

It doesn't matter how much you like him because he's not looking for a relationship.

Take what guys say prior to sex with a pinch of salt if you don't know them...

If he really liked you then he would be calling you and coming to visit.

QuiteContent Mon 22-Jul-13 19:36:58

Same as above awkwardsis. Sweet texts and compliments are part of the groundwork to get the feelings going. Reluctance and avoidance is worry over you trying to tie him down / his wife finding out.
Sounds like he's looking to get his end away, had a very enjoyable time and has a newly boosted ego and confidence. Now it's time to get shot of you.
I don't mean that to sound mean, and obviously my opinion is my own. But this is not something that I talk about without some degree of experience. I would be careful in investing anything more into this little soirée, very careful indeed. You may have just met one of those bastards that does that kind of thing.
Once he gets a saucy picture of you, his work will be finally done. Don't be surprised when he asks for it.

gloriousweather Mon 22-Jul-13 19:44:49

I was only looking for casual sex too though, but just found out we got on really well.

And why say it had turned out to be more than he thought it would be? I have had plenty of fuck buddies before and the excessive compliments are never necessary because you both already know you're getting what you were after without having to do all that stuff.

freeandhappy Mon 22-Jul-13 19:48:52

He's changed his mind by the sounds of it. Try not to waste too much energy trying to understand it. There could be a thousand reasons but the end result is....he's not ringing you so move on. Maybe you are ready for something more meaningful now and should go out with people who are at the same stage.

Dahlen Mon 22-Jul-13 19:54:30

I think there is a certain type of person - male and female - who consider "falling in love" to be synonymous with lust.

The whole "you're great", "I can't wait to see you again" is all part of the scene-setting for sex. If they don't have it they feel the sex is somehow tawdry, whereas this allows them to view themselves as simply enjoying "free love".

I consider it a sign of immaturity TBH, because while I see the attraction if you're that at ease with consensual but promiscuous sex, you don't need anyone else's approval or even your own; it simply feels normal and right. It also gives off completely the wrong vibe to the sexual partner who may take these words on face value - as you have. I

It doesn't mean he was lying through his teeth to play you, it's simply his MO. A lot of people do it and in his defence he may have felt you were also playing a similar game because you were on the casual hook-up site yourself.

If you want a relationship, you've probably had a lucky escape. If you want casual sex, I think you need to harden up a bit to this sort of behaviour. Sorry if you feel a little hurt about it though. No one likes rejection even if you weren't that sure you wanted the person who rejected you in the first place. sad

Vivacia Mon 22-Jul-13 19:55:55

"We initially met up for drinks to see if there was chemistry. I stayed for 2 hours then went home. I can't say I was blown away by him at first but felt a mild attraction and so told him I would stay in his hotel next time he came up (he told me he found me attractive)."

Why would you do that? Why would you have sex with someone didn't really find attractive?

gloriousweather Mon 22-Jul-13 20:01:41

Vivacia - I didn't not find him attractive, I just wasn't bowled over with lust. This is normal for me though. I don't feel like that about any men I sleep with but the sex is still often pretty brilliant. I have been on match.com for 4 years and met over 100 guys. I haven't felt very little for any of them (despite many being incredibly eligible and many being really into me).

QuiteContent Mon 22-Jul-13 20:02:59

Getting casual sex when you're a man is a pretty decent result, especially if he wasn't all that attractive by conventional standards. Once you've found your sex buddy, getting her to fall for you is part of it for some people as the Dahlen pointed out. It's just how some people work. No harm done, you both had a few good times together, but I would move right along and look for something more meaningful elsewhere.

Vivacia Mon 22-Jul-13 20:03:17

You see, that's strange for me, because I want to feel desperate for someone before I sleep with him. For the first time at least!

allaflutter Mon 22-Jul-13 20:03:24

my opinion is different. I think he DID mean that you blew him away and said as much ;'this is turning out to be much more than we planned' but, and it's big 'but', he has reasons why he's not lookign for relationship, and he is now avoiding you as he likes you too much for this to be casual. Sounds like he's married or has a GF and can't get involved with you, but he feels like he could get emotional. No guarantee of this, but it makes sense. I agree that FB type arrangements don't require going overboard with compliments, lots of women are up for that nowadays, and what you feel couldn't be completely fake.
What to do? nothing, leave it to him, he can then see how he feels in a few weeks, if he can't forget it, he'll get back to you but on a more serious basis.
I think if it was just the expense, he'd have mentioned it, it's a problem but not the dealbreaker for most people.

rabbitonthemoon Mon 22-Jul-13 20:13:23

I'm sorry op that you've been made to feel as if there was more on offer than there actually was. I was a match.com girl for a while. Interesting times (in hindsight) and so tricky to find someone you like who likes you too. Ime, I liked them loads, they were ambivalent or they liked me a lot and I just wanted them to sod off. I don't actually think of match.com as a casual hook up site though?

Maybe he's married, maybe he went on another London date, maybe he just gets off on that. One thing I learnt the hard way though is that if someone wants to see you and be with you.. they make it very clear. The texts flow, they don't go off radar and things feel easy.

Maybe this is a catalyst to nudge you into seeing beyond the hook up bit and look for a relationship that has a future. I'm so sorry you had a crap time in years gone by. It doesn't have to stay that way though.

rabbitonthemoon Mon 22-Jul-13 20:14:34

Oh and in answer to your post - don't phone!

gloriousweather Mon 22-Jul-13 20:17:37

Vivacia - "You see, that's strange for me, because I want to feel desperate for someone before I sleep with him. For the first time at least!"

I would like to feel desperate for someone too but I just never do. I read somewhere that there is a scientific theory that the antidepressants I am on block the naturally occurring chemicals needed for feelings of strong lust or even falling in love and I always wondered if that was why I don't fall for men ever. At least this episode has shown me that I'm not dead inside (although I don't have another 14 years to wait to feel that again).

allaflutter - thanks for your consenting opinion (thanks to everyone else too). My gut feeling is that he was genuine but I don't think he's married. He seems really really kind and I don't think he's the type to fuck someone about. I reckon he's just decided that it can't work or changed his mind for some other reason and needs to put a bit of distance between us. He is still supposed to be coming up again so I may see him again. I didn't write this in my OP as I was trying to keep it as short as possible (ha!) but I've managed to rein my feelings in a bit since last week and I'm feeling back to normal and quite rational again. Not all loved up although I know those feelings could come back (and it would be amazing if there was reason to let them). I wasn't in love - just recognised it could happen and it surprised me.

gloriousweather Mon 22-Jul-13 20:24:19

rabbit - we didn't meet on match.com although I am on it. It was a naughtier/seedier site I usually just use for chatting on but his message was well written and polite and he came across as interesting - I didn't think there was anything to lose. I am looking for something more long term on match.

He also said that he has looked to try and find a fuck buddy in London but hasn't managed to in 4 years of looking (he says he is REALLY fussy - not that fussy obviously as he slept with me and I'm no model). The fact that he is skinny apparently also puts a lot of women off. He has had bad experiences in relationships before though so he may very well just be far happier with something casual for the time being.

allaflutter Mon 22-Jul-13 20:30:37

Op, he nay not be married but with a GF, OR he may have issues with commitment. Ask yourself why would he specify that he is only after casual hookups! If he was free and with no commitment phobia, he would be much more vague or even state that he wants more. Kind doesn't mean that he can't be also kind to another woman at hte same time. He feels he hasn't done anu damage if he didn't see you many times, it was almost like an apology, 'I know we got emotional a bit, but this wasn't supposed to happen, so sorry about that. He must have his reasons. It could be that he hasn't recovered from a previous seroius r-ship and is on the rebound - also a common reason. In this case he will remember you, andwhen he's ready will get intouch, but of course don't sit and wait.

allaflutter Mon 22-Jul-13 20:33:37

ah well, here we go, bad experiennces, equals fear of commitment! didn't we all have bad experiences!? hopefully it's temporay and he will lose his fear now, but don't count on it. Do give him as bit of time without chasing/contact. Just to give it a fair chance.

LessMissAbs Mon 22-Jul-13 20:42:53

Did it ever come up in conversation whether he was actually single?

I know several single men in their thirties like this, they seem to think women are out to "catch" them and treat them very suspiciously. They also seem to pedal this line about women not fancying them, struggling to meet women, bad experiences in relationships in the past, etc - but here your guy is, having met a woman he is attracted to and not bothering to do much to meet her. They also seem to think women should do the running. Its not very masculine tbh.

tbh how much do you want to chase this man? If you are bothered, you could send a text or phone him, explaining you have strong feelings. Don't be surprised if he doesn't respond though. He sounds very passive. Otherwise, I'd just let it drop, as he does seem to want you to do the running.

He seems really really kind and I don't think he's the type to fuck someone about

No, he's just on a site for casual hook ups, contacts women in different cities (I guess there are no women in London?) so he does't have to see them regularly and has gone quiet on you so he can keep you dangling in case he wants sex with you next time it suits him.

ImperialBlether Mon 22-Jul-13 20:46:06

Don't you think it would be difficult to have a good relationship with someone that you met via a hookup site? Do you think you'd find it easy to trust each other?

I'd recommend you go to the doctor and ask for advice re the anti-depressant. They can have a very powerful effect on our feelings and if you believe they're stopping you from experiencing powerful emotions, then you need to ask for something else instead.

ImperialBlether Mon 22-Jul-13 20:46:26

You're not on Seroxat, are you?

allaflutter Mon 22-Jul-13 20:49:34

btw 'kind to women' often means being patronising, and is often a feature of commitment phobes as well as of passive men, as they feel like it's a redeeming feature somehow.

arsenaltilidie Mon 22-Jul-13 20:59:09

He could sense you weren't that attracted to him so he fed you the line 'you are different.. blah' so that the balance tips in his favour.
Once you slept with him the chase was finished, his head was clear to rationally judge if you 2 are suitable.

Leave him alone because you will likely put up with his BS because you want him to feel the same.
That's exactly how many women get into relationships with unsuitable guys.

gloriousweather Mon 22-Jul-13 21:10:15

No imperial blether, not seroxat - but there are a bunch of them that the study seemed to think could potentially have this effect. I reckon the article would e easy to find on google. I have tried others as mine have other bad side effects too but nothing else has so far worked.

Re trusting, I wouldn't have an issue with it. I have had many fuck buddies over the years and have used various sites a lot but I would never cheat on someone. All types of people use such sites - some to have affairs or cheat on their partners but many are just really nice people who want casual sex while they are single. Plenty of people specify on their profiles that they want nothing to do with anyone who isn't completely single. I've actually met some really lovely people through casual sex.

He was engaged before so I know he's not completely against the idea of commitment and was also laughing saying he didn't think it was right that his little sister is getting married before he is. But he lives miles away and even if he genuinely thinks I'm a bit out of his league (maybe he's just being nice) I get that that doesn't mean I'm his ideal woman (although now I'm remembering other things he said like he thinks I have the perfect looks and the perfect personality sad. He also said he doesn't get why I'm not all settled down by now with someone really cool. But I don't think he's going to choose to give it a go).

Thanks for your perspective by the way Dahlen - it makes a lot of sense. I actually think that he's the kind of person that tries to make people feel good about themselves and maybe he just went a bit far (I think he may have genuinely had feelings but wasn't looking for anything serious even so).

LessMissAbs- yes, he has assured me he is single and I believed him. I've also checked him out on facebook and can see no evidence of non-singleness. But I suppose it's all academic now anyway.

I suppose I'll wait and see what happens, if anything or I may see if we can just be proper fuck buddies without all the compliments nonsense. Risky but I reckon I can see him in a different light if I'm certain he doesn't want more than something casual.

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