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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

dp always busy in the evening but when I am he pouts

100 replies

tygertygerburningbright · 22/07/2013 18:44

Dp plays football five nights a week. He doesn't play on Wednesdays, but that is the one night every week that ds is with his dad so I have a chance to get out of the house and catch up with my friends.

Obviously I don't go out every Wednesday because mostly I want to see dp as I only see him for about an hour after football before I have to go to bed.

However, some weeks I want to go out with my friends or see a film or something with them. Dp has just joined his fifth football team so now most nights he has double training sessions as well as daytime matches on the weekends. I do not begrudge him his hobby at all, and would not dream of asking him to stop.

But when I mention I am going out on Wednesday so won't see him he kind of pouts and seems grumpy like im choosing not to see him.

It is unlucky that things are arranged thus way. I don't even know why I posted this really, there's no solution really. He just left for football after a conversation about this and I feel sad :(

OP posts:

Report

LifeofPo · 22/07/2013 18:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

deleted203 · 22/07/2013 18:52

I would get rid of the dick personally! When DO you actually see each other? You are offering him your company 5 nights a week when he chooses not to see you - but he gets arsey if you occasionally do something on a Wednesday - which is the one night he has graciously 'allocated' to you. It isn't unlucky - and there is a solution. Either he cuts back on his football, accepts that you don't see him at all some weeks, or you get rid of him and find someone who DOES want to prioritise your relationship a bit more. This one does not sound like a 'keeper' in my book.

WeGotTheKrunk · 22/07/2013 18:52

It seems a bit unreasonable to me that your DP has a hobby that takes him out of the house 5 nights a week. It wouldn't be begrudging him a hobby if you were to ask him to scale back his commitments a bit. Relationships work both ways - if he wants to spend time with you & his family (and I bloody hope he does), he should make sure he's home a bit more. The compromises shouldn't all be coming from your side.

FWIW I'm quite an active & sociable person, and have lots of activities that take me out of the house of an evening. Could be out 5 nights a week if I didn't say no to things- and I do say no, because I've chosen to make my life with my P and that means not spending every night of the week spending time with other people!

YANBU for wanting to go out once a week. Your DP OTOH, for wanting to go out 5 nights a week and then get all pissy because you won't curb your own (perfectly reasonable) separate interests... HIBU.

Walkacrossthesand · 22/07/2013 18:55

He's doing a good job of making himself scarce in the evenings leaving you to do the daily bedtime routine, then expecting you to be 'all his' when your DC is elsewhere, isn't he ...How about suggesting a compromise - you'll keep some wednesdays free for a 'date night' as long as he drops one of his five (five!!) nights footie training so you have an evening in all together?

Twinklestein · 22/07/2013 19:00

Well tell him to cancel one of his 5 football nights so can spend another evening together...

DPotter · 22/07/2013 19:02

This sort of behaviour makes me sooo angry - him for trying it on and you for letting him. Stand up for your family life. There is a solution - your 'D'P shifts his priorities away from his hobby and back to you and his family. I would be kicking up a storm (hurricane force) if I was on the receiving end of this treatment. You need to sit him down and give him sight of both barrels. I'm assuming it's off season at the moment so no more signing up for 5 nights a week - I think 2 sessions per week is enough. And don't fall for the 'stressful job/ need to unwind / good Dad and provider ' patter either. If nothing else think of the damage he's doing to his knees...let alone his family life.
Oh and by the way - just to check who washes his kit ? Guessing it's not him - although ready to stand corrected - so you have currency - just stop doing the washing.

tygertygerburningbright · 22/07/2013 19:02

Ds isn't his son. Just to clarify. I don't mind about the bedtime etc. I just guess I want him to want to see me too.

But football is really important to him. He loves it.

OP posts:

DameFanny · 22/07/2013 19:02

Yep he's an arse. 5 nights a week?

tygertygerburningbright · 22/07/2013 19:03

Haha yes I do wash his kit.

OP posts:

sooperdooper · 22/07/2013 19:03

Five nights a week for a hobby is completely unreasonable, he should give up some of those and spend time with you on one of those nights

sooperdooper · 22/07/2013 19:05

Football is more important to him than your relationship by the amount of time he spends there! I wouldn't be happy if my Dh was out 5 nights a week, if he was I might as well be single tbh

DPotter · 22/07/2013 19:05

Sorry Tygertyger - just think about what you wrote - he loves his football so he play 5 nights a week, barely seeing you and leaves 2 nights a week to spend with you. So he loves his football more than you.........
Not sure I would settle for this

WeGotTheKrunk · 22/07/2013 19:07

But football is really important to him. He loves it.

Yes, but surely you are important to him too? The way he's treating you is really disrespectful. Do you get to see him at all? Your posts so far make it sound a bit like you're nothing more than the woman who cooks his tea and tidies up after him... that you're more like a parent than a partner in this relationship...

earlyriser · 22/07/2013 19:08

If he loves football so much he wants to spend 5 nights a week training AND playing it at the weekend, what does that say about how much he loves YOU?

RandomMess · 22/07/2013 19:08

I agree with WeGotTheKrunk, he spends his weekends and evenings playing football, you wash his kit...

Ogg · 22/07/2013 19:09

Its about balance isn't - and on balance he love football 5/2 to you.

Katisha · 22/07/2013 19:09

He's effectively detached himself from family life with you and your DS hasnt he. He patently doesn't feel the need to act as any sort of parent and perhaps you don't need him to, but it really doesn't sound like he's got past being a teenager in terms of just pleasing himself.

Fairenuff · 22/07/2013 19:12

You are convenient to him. You fit into his schedule and you don't complain. It's only a problem when you are not available to him. Think about it. Is this what you want because it is what you are allowing to happen.

IfNotNowThenWhen · 22/07/2013 19:15

Um. I'd be shagging the window cleaner by now tbh.

tygertygerburningbright · 22/07/2013 19:16

I have to say I was expecting people to respond saying I was being unreasonable and selfish. I'm surprised you all seem to be in agreement.

I would just feel horrible asking him to quit some of his teams.. I managed to get him to consider dropping one because he signed up to yet another one the other day, and I convinced him he can't possibly play for any more.

He doesn't technically live with me but he is here a lot. But yeah I do cook for him, do all the washing etc. I don't mind doing it.

I'm not even sure who he plays for which night. It is off season at the moment, so the weekend games haven't started just yet but I don't know enough about football to know if when the season starts it will be the same nights or more again for training etc.

OP posts:

Fairenuff · 22/07/2013 19:20

How would it be selfish for you to go out for one evening every fortnight when he is out five evenings every week? Can you not see the imbalance here?

RandomMess · 22/07/2013 19:20

Starts Mid-August, stop doing his washing!!! Stop being his Mummy

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Katisha · 22/07/2013 19:22

You need to stop enabling his selfish behaviour.
You need to stop doing his washing for a start. He is using you.Stop being a doormat and have some respect for yourself.

Twinklestein · 22/07/2013 19:23

If he loves football that's absolutely fine, but he can't see you on Wednesday nights because you're busy.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 22/07/2013 19:24

So he does what he wants when he wants and you skivvy for him and he expects you to always be available for dinner and a shag if he can fit you into his busy schedule? You have to be available on the one night he can spare because he won't give up any night he's doing something he likes? You just have to do it?

get yourself a really really good mirror and hold it up to yourself and see if you can see anything that looks at all like this

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