Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Sick of my lazy arse husband

(57 Posts)
Imabadmum Mon 22-Jul-13 16:44:32

Been married for 7 years, together 8, 4 dc between us (2 togther, had one each when we met) ranging in age 15 - 4.

When i stopped work to have the two youngest, he would go out to work between 11am and 3pm typically (supposed to be 9-5), sometimes less. He is a sales rep, so is flexible but plays it to the limit. Has got caught and fired several times. I eventually figured if our dc were to have any kind of childhood (holidays, nice clothes, the things all their friends have) I needed to go back to work ft and be the main breadwinner because he is hopeless. Been back at work 2.5 years now, earning well and under a fair amount of pressure. When i initially went back to work i figured, as for years he had worked 11-3 he could do school runs, and prepare an evening meal. He failed spectacularly, i would arrive home and find tortillas with cucumber and grated cheese for tea for 6 people, or something so awfully burnt as to be inedible and i would then have to cook something for the dc.

he is twatting about in the garage now with a drill, doing god knows what while i am working from home. I get up at 6-6.30am every day and work until 6pm, he gets up about 7.30 and spends the first 2 hours smoking and having coffee. I pay for an au pair to help me with the children now. whenever i do ask him to do something he makes the least possible effort, and does just the bare minimum. I cant complain he hasnt done it, but i usually have to do it all again as he has done a crap job (like getting the washing in, won't fold, just screws it up neatly, you know what i mean).

I would leave him if it werent for the dc, but i dont want to break up the family. Leaving him might make me happy, but would ruin everyone else's life so would be utterly selfish. and if the dc werent happy, i wouldnt be either.

if i try to bring this up with him he gets very angry, slams doors and storms off in a wheel spinning cloud of exhaust fumes.

he just doesnt seem to have any kind of work ethic and expects a free ride through life, off me and off his parents.

thanks for reading, moan over. If anyone has anything constructive to say please do, but quite frankly i just want to punch him in the face right now.

Jan45 Tue 23-Jul-13 12:44:00

You've made your bed - what century are you living in - actually just sounds like an excuse as you don't want to give up the materialistic things in your life - I'd rather been in a small flat with my kids happy than be with a guy I have no respect for - and you found after you were married that the home is in his parents name and still is, it wouldn't be if I was there - it all sounds like everything is on his terms and your needs are not as important, only you know how much you value yourself.

missbopeep Tue 23-Jul-13 12:37:06

I think the fact that he deceived you over who owned 'his' house is worth talking over with a legal person.

However, it does suggest that you didn't discuss finances before marriage. If he gave the impression that he owned the house, where did that leave you re. being a joint owner, and budgeting etc?

Did you really not know he didn't own the house? Did you not ask or expect it to be put into joint names from the day you married? I don't really understand how this is something you found out after tying the knot unless there is more to it than we know from your posts.

Fairenuff Tue 23-Jul-13 11:47:27

Even if you walked away with nothing you still have your self respect, you job and your children. And those are the only things that matter. The house is not a home if you are not happy there. It's just bricks and mortar.

Yes, it's annoying that you've put so much money into it but are you going to continue to throw good money after bad?

You can make a new start or you can sink deeper into this miserable existence of debt, dependence and depression.

You can earn your own money, buy your own place and rebuild a happy life with your children. It can only lead to better things. If you stay where you are you the only thing you can guarantee is that you will be unhappy and disappointed with your lot.

And the 'marital home' is owned by his parents so i would walk away with the clothes on my back despite the £thousands i have invested in it to mention blood sweat and tears building and decorating. I didnt know that until some considerable time after we were married.

That is utterly beyond outrageous. Legally would there be any comeback for such deception should you leave him? Probably not. I'm speechless at such calculated deviousness on his/their part.

NeedlesCuties Tue 23-Jul-13 09:26:54

Do you have friends and family who you can turn to for emotional support?

You seem like a lovely woman - sensible, hard working and devoted to your children. But you also seem very sad sad

You've had some good viewpoints on this thread, and good advice too.

FasterStronger Tue 23-Jul-13 08:27:09

OP you need to replace 'I have made my bed now I have to lie in it' with 'I have got myself into this situation and now I am going to deal with it'

I am not telling you how to deal with it - but this is not going to get better and you need to do something.

you remind me of one of my oldest friends and this applies to her en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Martyr_complex

don't confuse sacrificing yourself to achieve something and just being a doormat to avoid confrontation with someone who does not respect you and does not look after their owns DCs.

missbopeep Tue 23-Jul-13 08:15:04

OP
It's a very odd set up with his parents. don't you think?
Although you say they don't trust him with money etc, they have in fact enabled him to live like a child, and forgo being responsible for his own family.

Their generosity has in fact been a huge part of the current problem. And they aren't being kind to him- they have spoiled him .

I've friends whose parents have loaned them money or bought them houses, but the deal was they were paid back as if it were a mortgage agreement, but at a lower rate of interest.

OR it was an early inheritance, and the houses were given to them, with no strings attached.

Your in laws are effectively acting as landlords and their son is still living like a child- with them and you supporting his fecklessness.

You could indeed have called off your wedding- or at least postponed it. people have done so for less!

But you started off on the wrong foot- baling him out. And that set the pattern.

If you are successful in your work- you say you work from home and can afford an au pair- then you presumably earn enough to support yourself especially if he pays maintenance if you split.

You need to get some legal advice because as things stand you'd walk away with nothing I assume, unless his parents made the house his ( and yours) and the assets were split equally.

But you might think about an escape route such as leaving with the children into rented property.

FairPhyllis Tue 23-Jul-13 00:35:40

I think it would be awful if you let finances and the situation with the house keep you in this position. If you seriously think you might split up after the children leave home, then really you need to leave now, because if you wait another 10 years or so you could be in an even worse financial position and trapped even more.

What is the deal with the house? Do you pay rent for it? If you weren't paying rent or mortgage in all this time have you managed to build up any assets? Are you certain he hasn't built up any more debt?

kickassangel Mon 22-Jul-13 23:44:53

Get some legal advice, and start building up a 'running away' fund.

It's amazing how some facts and an escape route can make you see for sure whether you really want to stay or go.

wordyBird Mon 22-Jul-13 23:19:12

The family home sounds quite a sticking point, understandably.

Might you consider legal advice for yourself, to look at possible scenarios if you did separate? Or even if you didn't, ask anyway. Complicated housing situations can give you a horrible sense of unease, if you don't know exactly where you stand.

Having the facts clear in your mind might help you.

CSIJanner Mon 22-Jul-13 23:14:01

If the IL's are worried about his squandering the house wealth and you're worried about inheritance tax, maybe you could suggest they sign the house over in trust to the grandchildren, with an independent guardian as trustee until they reach age?

missbopeep Mon 22-Jul-13 22:57:43

A couple of things for you to ponder

1.You cannot change anyone- only yourself and your own behaviour. By doing that the other person will change- for every action ( yours) there is a reaction ( theirs).

2. Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results is a sign of madness (Einstein.)

Talking, moaning, nagging has not worked before so it won't now.
The only thing that will work is some constructive action.

Maybe you need to discuss separation because your spoilt and idle DH doesn't seem to give a toss about you. Something is not registering with him about how you feel, so it's time to stop talking and do something.

Fairenuff Mon 22-Jul-13 22:54:27

You are right about one thing. He won't change.

It's horrible for children living like this. I used to want my parents to divorce. I just couldn't stand the atmosphere. They thought they kept a lot of it hidden. They didn't.

I even asked my dad once why he didn't just leave. He said my youngest sibling was too young. And I actually asked my mum to leave but she didn't.

Please don't think you are doing this for your children. Do it for yourself, by all means. If you think staying with him is best for you. But don't do it for the children. That's an awful burden for them to bear.

Imabadmum Mon 22-Jul-13 22:41:42

Ive tried talking, telling, moaning, asking, showing. Ive been patient, angry, indignant, and now im just resigned. He wont change, he cant. Ive even had counselling from the doctors.

No it isnt sensible to have a house owned by the inlaws, apart from anything the inheritance tax will probably kill it. Ive tried talking to him and to his parents. Ive suggested getting accountants and lawyers involved to best plan for the future but they all seem to have their heads buried in the sand. I think his parents know what he is like and dont want to hand any property over until they are dead and buried - they dont want to be about to see him squander their hard earned wealth. When i met him i didnt know but he was facing bankruptcy. Found out just before the wedding. What could i do, say "oh, you are skint? Weddings off then" so i stood by him, rejigged the wedding to be uber cheap, and helped him pay back all his debts and organise his finances. Still have to keep a careful eye on his finances but its like having a wayward teenager who just wont grow up.

Its exhausting and im tired of it now.

misskatamari Mon 22-Jul-13 22:24:59

Have you spoken to your husband at all about how you feel? You don't sound like you want to leave the marriage but living unhappily for the sake of the children is not a good option. How do you and DH get on? Do you have fun? Are you good friends? Can you talk to each other openly? These are all things needed for a strong relationship. You should be able to tell him how you feel and what you need from him and know that he cares enough to listen and support you.

missbopeep Mon 22-Jul-13 22:24:17

If no one notices you are unhappy, is that their fault or yours?

Is it best to moan on a forum- or to the people in your life?

Is it sensible to have a marriage where the house is owned by in laws which effectively leaves you with nothing?

You have allowed this man to behave like this without taking any action so far.

You've compensated for him by employing 'staff'.

What's stopping you talking to him?

CSIJanner Mon 22-Jul-13 22:21:17

"I daydream that when the dc have flown the nest i will probably follow."

This last sentence has made me v sad for you OP. It's a shit situation as you're looking out for your children but at the same time, you have to forfeit your own happiness and sense of complete fulfilment (as in happy marriage with mutual respect). A friends DM is in this same situation. Desperately unhappy with DH but kept it together for her DC. When DFriend and siblings left the nest, she was left trapped as she had no savings in her name, no pension etc. so she plods along and makes do.

Would counselling help? Are his parents enablers? Maybe a counselling session will help him to see that his children need him as a role model, not just as a dad who adores them.

Hegsy Mon 22-Jul-13 22:17:04

From the child of divorce at the grand old age of 25 I wish they'd done it sooner instead of it getting to the point my 'father' became such an arsehole I no longer have anything to do with him. I do believe his attitude has come from years of not being happy and resenting my mum.

My mum is now happier than I have ever seen her remarried, settled financially most importantly is she is happy! By all means op try and improve things, talk to him, counselling maybe write him a letter explaining how you fell. But please don't put up with this either way. Life is to short!

Dahlen Mon 22-Jul-13 22:00:57

That's a judgement call. But I'd ask the DC for their opinion (I accept you may not get much from the 4 year old wink). Some people can hide it well; others can't. There have always been loads of posts on here from women who grew up knowing that their parents were miserable despite their parents' apparently sincere belief that they were doing a good job of hiding it.

Imabadmum Mon 22-Jul-13 21:55:29

Food for thougt people, i will reflect on all you have said.

I dont know if his parents would chuck us out, but i cant see how i / we could possibly stay. I cant see him moving out?

I know having a pony is no substitute for happy parents and a happy family. But we are not at each others throats all the time, i just get frustrated with his swanning about and not really contributing. I think the kids think we are happy. I think he thinks i am happy. Actully i am not sure anybody has really noticed that i am screaming.

Snorbs Mon 22-Jul-13 21:48:26

Why would he even want to change? Right now he gets to laze around and do fuck-all. Everything is someone else's responsibility. Someone else bought his home, someone else pays for its upkeep, someone else looks after his kids. If he does get cornered into doing something he deliberately fucks it up so it makes it more trouble than it's worth. And he knows that (I'm not going to call you Imabadmum. How about Marriedtoashittydad?) isn't going to leave over it.

What possible motivation does he have to change? He's got it made. OP, can I come and live at your house and have no responsibilities too?

Twinklestein Mon 22-Jul-13 21:27:26

I would always suggest trying to work things out if there seemed the remotest possibility that it might have an effect.

But I don't believe that discussing it or marriage guidance is going to make any difference. He's not going to change.

If you believed he could, you wouldn't be here.

Dahlen Mon 22-Jul-13 21:27:16

Would his parents chuck you and your DC out of the home if you split up with their son? Because if they would then nothing your DC have is safe and guaranteed even if you stay.

Sometimes staying together for the DC can work. I wouldn't advise anyone to split up a family lightly. If you've simply fallen out of love but respect each other, co-parent effectively and don't want the freedom to meet someone else, staying together is certainly an option.

You're seriously delusional if you think that's what's going on here though. Don't compound one mistake (your first marriage breakdown) by making another (sticking with a second highly dysfunctional one.

You adore your children. So much so that you gave up the opportunity to be a SAHM to make sure they were well provided for. So much so that paid for an au pair when it was clear their father wasn't looking after them adequately. So much so that you are prepared to subjugate your own happiness to misguidedly keep a 'stable' home for them. HE doesn't adore them in the way a father should love his children. He loves them in the same way a spoiled child loves a puppy.

You can't work this out. You've already tried it all. You may as well not have bothered. It takes two to make a marriage work. No matter how committed you are, if he doesn't 'get it', it won't work. He doesn't and won't. Why would he? There are no consequences if he doesn't - apart from children who grow up having some very dysfunctional ideas about equality and healthy relationships. But that's ok because they've got a pony.

He "adores" them BUT he won't do anything for them if it involves him making any effort? He wont fucking feed his own children properly?!!!

Please don't just put this in the "I'm just ranting" box - really analyse what this is telling them. If you lived alone with them & he had reasonable access you wouldn't have to compensate for his shortcomings - you could have a good happy life & they would feel far more valued - & so would you. You wouldn't constantly be covering up for him - think how much happier you ALL would be...

Imabadmum Mon 22-Jul-13 21:12:56

Oh. And the 'marital home' is owned by his parents so i would walk away with the clothes on my back despite the £thousands i have invested in it to mention blood sweat and tears building and decorating. I didnt know that until some considerable time after we were married.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now