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came across a few interesting texts, now what?

(367 Posts)
houmousandcarrotsandwich Mon 22-Jul-13 07:00:42

Been married to dh for 7 years in August and have 2 young dc. As far as I was aware all was ok, life has been hard work with 2 little ones but I assume this is normal.
Then last night dh had left his phone on charge while he showered (he's usually very attached to it) and as I went passed he received a text. It flashes up who and the message, I see its a woman (whose name I've never heard him mention). Message said something along the lines of I hate it when we talk and everyone is watching. Do I hsd a quick look at his messsges. Only had a few minutes but looked pretty friendly all texts ending in kisses, there were also similar from another woman.

I have never gone through his phone before. What the hell do I do now?! If I confront him I show I've been through his phone and don't trust him (which before last night I did)

Any ideas on how I get any more evidence?

mamakoukla Fri 20-Dec-13 12:33:27

Houmous, be gentle with yourself. You cannot suddenly undo the good memories and hopes for what was your partnership.

Give yourself some space and time.

You are tremendous. You sound lovely. I am sending you hugs Xxxxx

houmousandcarrotsandwich Fri 20-Dec-13 12:34:04

I did consider the samaritans, but just felt for people who must really need them this Christmas.

I have said he can stay over Xmas (in spare room)

mamakoukla Fri 20-Dec-13 12:36:25

If you feel you need them then maybe you do (?). You have described a longterm and sometimes difficult relationship. Take all of the support you can get to look after you.

pertempsnooo Fri 20-Dec-13 12:43:18

Sounds like a confusing time OP. How about asking for a trial separation? Then, if his behaviour changes, you can forgive him and let him back. If you realise it's for the best you don't AND he's out.

RollerCola Fri 20-Dec-13 13:20:48

I think you just have to do whatever you need to to survive at the moment. Christmas will no doubt be affecting your decision - I found my separation very difficult and that was in July with no major events to think about.

Just keep remembering what he's done. If you forgive him now he'll carry on doing it. You know he will. He's not even had to cope with leaving the family home to make him see how wrong his actions were, so there's nothing to make him want to change.

Take your time, let him stay at home for a bit if you want. But remember you are a very strong, intelligent woman. You don't deserve to be treated like this. You deserve much much better and 'better' is out there. You won't find it with this guy.

Thinking of you.

Donkeylovesmarzipanandmincepie Fri 20-Dec-13 15:37:55

If H has been remorseful and has turned over a new leaf, this whole episode has marked an epic change.

If he still denies it all and grinds you down, he will take it as read you are excusing him his attitudes and behaviour and giving in for a quiet life. So it continues. You then end up enduring more of the hurt and humiliation until he decides to reform or calls it a day and moves on.

Forgiving H can be a way of giving yourself peace but that's only going to count for anything if he isn't going to keep screwing up.

Bluntly, as he doesn't admit to doing anything wrong, a token show of penance, ie a few days off work followed by a few nights spent messaging his girlfriend (s) in a spare room before resuming normal life is a piece of cake, he can do that standing on his head. He thinks like a free agent but won't go - not even to give you thinking space because he knows it's a rotten situation to put you through and doesn't dare let you assert yourself.

MerryFuckingChristmas Fri 20-Dec-13 18:23:24


mission accomplished, for him

very sad

Hummus, please google 'hysterical bonding'. The way you are feeling now will make more sense. Be kind to yourself x

perfectstorm Sat 21-Dec-13 12:51:51

Agree you need to google hysterical bonding. I also think you need to google "hoover manuoevre". Both classic and both very much sound present.

The longer you give him to hang around after this, the more the shock and pain will dissipate and the likelier you are to let this go... until the next time. As his father inadvertantly told you, he's been raised to think he has every right to do this and if he placates enough and tells the right lies, and tries harder not to get caught next time, no problem. He doesn't think he's done anything wrong here, you know. He has no intention of doing anything differently. Your pain doesn't mean anything to him, any more than his mother's did to his father - and she will probably have rationalised it as her being his great love and the rest not mattering. What else can she do?

Very sad for you and the kids. And I hope he gets a gangrenous dick and it falls off.

MerryFuckingChristmas Sat 21-Dec-13 13:58:54

It's not too late to go back to wanting him gone

Don't feel that because you have had a little cave, that it is now out of your hands

It is not

perfectstorm Sat 21-Dec-13 16:48:37

Seconding that .

He's behaved appallingly. He chose not to be bound by his marriage vows - you don't have to think giving in to his manipulations and pestering deserves a much, much higher standard of consistency than that, whatever he says or implies. If you change your mind and want him out sooner that's wholly valid. You don't owe him anything, tbh, but he's got you in a frame of mind where you feel like you do.

houmousandcarrotsandwich Sat 21-Dec-13 17:40:41

I know all what your saying.
Def hysterical bonding.

It sounds so cleche but my heart wants one thing and my head another.

Deep down I don't think I can forgive, but I really want to sad
I wish I hadn't told so many people, I think I should have held on to it a little longer, it seems so final being out there.

Just riding the confusion roller coaster.
Surviving Christmas
Then.....who knows. ....

TallRedhead Fri 27-Dec-13 14:48:38

how was your Christmas?

pertempsnooo Sun 29-Dec-13 17:20:57

Yes OP I hope you survived what is never a pleasant situation at any time of year. We're here if you need us.

perfectstorm Sun 29-Dec-13 17:21:47

Hope you're doing okay, OP. flowers

AllOverIt Sun 29-Dec-13 17:47:30

Just read the whole thread. So sorry your H is such a shit.

Stay strong OP. Get rid. You deserve a much better. sad

Hi how was Christmas?
He is being a complete twat and he knows it
But the longer he is there the harder it will be for you and the children

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