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Am I being too hard on DP

(96 Posts)
HappyandSad Sun 21-Jul-13 18:26:48

Hi ,
Just looking for some advice. I have one DC aged 4 months. I am on Mat leave and my DP works full time 9-5. I dont live near any family (moved to be with DP)and am not the best at making friends in my old(ish) age. I have a few things that are annoying me and I dont know if IABU or not so please tell me how you see it.
1. DP used to put DC to sleep on week nights and I would get to bed early so I would get a few hours in before night feed ( DC still does atleast 1 night feed sometimes 2) but recently he only does it maybe once a week because he says I am better at getting DC to sleep.
2. He wont give DC a bath as again he is not as good as me, I have tried to show him how but he just acts stupid and doesn't hold DC right and for some reason DC freaks out when he does it.
3. He goes out twice a week and has done since DC was born , I asked him this weekend not to go as I was feeling a bit down and missing human contact but he just started a fight with me and went out.
4. Any time I have been upset or crying because I am finding lack of sleep and demands hard on me he doesn't comfort me.
5.When he gets home from work he just throws his clothes on the floor and expects me to pick them up. I have tried leaving them there and tidying around them but he will leave them there forever. I do all his washing and ironing so I guess it is for me to pick up?
6. I do all of the housework except maybe he will wash the dishes one of the days on a weekend.
7. Friday nights are supposed to be for me to get a full nights sleep and he looks after DC but last two weeks he has been too tired.

Should he help out a little around the house? When I complain he points out he works full time.
I just want some time for myself once every month just 2-3 hours and when I ask for this he gets pissy. Am I wrong? Again he points out he works full time and needs time for himself.
I feel isolated, lonely and a little like what I am doing at home looking after DC counts for nothing. (Just like to point out I have a very beautiful, happy , loving baby who does suffer from some reflux)
So am I being too hard if I tell him he needs to support me more?
I have spoken to mum about this and she says he needs to help more and has asked me if maybe I am a bit depressed.
Sorry its so long and a bit all over the place.

Jan45 Tue 23-Jul-13 17:03:40

He's acting like a single man and definitely doesn't see you two as equal, he needs to grow up and act like a man and a father, possibly he can't, therefore you will know what you have to do, does he think it's the 18th Century???

He goes out 2 nights a week, when do you get a night off, does he ever take you out anywhere, sounds like he doesn't do anything apart from indulge his own pleasures.

You are not his slave and DC is his child, not your occupation.

This is bad. You need to be monitoring and thinking about his beaviour and what is acceptable to you a lot. Also agree 9-5 is easy job hours(sorry!).

You also need to get involved in the community around you. Are there some mother and baby groups?

motherinferior Tue 23-Jul-13 12:47:39

Please stop making excuses for him. He doesn't need 'time to adjust'. He just needs to start doing his share of looking after his child. He needs to do his share of the housework. To stop threatening you if you want to go to see your mother. And to stop exploiting you financially.

NeedlesCuties Tue 23-Jul-13 08:55:59

Did you move from your home country to live in DP's home country? Or did you both move to a different country? Is there a difference of culture between you two?

Sorry for all the questions, but I'm trying to work out if he's trying to isolate you (by distancing you from your family), and if he thinks house tasks are not 'man's work' (you said he earns double what you earn, so I'm assuming he doesn't have a learning difficulty which would render him unable to do chore)

misskatamari Mon 22-Jul-13 21:58:46

Happy, good luck with your HV tomorrow - she is there to support you and I'm sure you will feel lots better if you speak to her. I think with PND they would refer you to your GP. If you think you may be suffering then its important you speak to them so they can help support you through it. You're doing a great job and obviously care a great deal for your family. Big hugs

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Mon 22-Jul-13 21:48:06

OP, the problem is not you, honestly.

If you have mild PND, they will direct you to the GP I believe. I am not sure what sort of support they would provide your DP. I am not aware that kicks in the back are offered on the NHS.

I wonder if the situation was reversed, if he lost his job and you had yours still, what would he think of washing, cleaning, running the home, child minding and picking up your dirty clothes off the floor, wash them, pay bills from his savings until they run dry?

Please do get help for yourself, and legal advice about your rights travelling abroad with your DD. I would recommend you also add your name on the house deeds. Your DP is not going to change unless he has a reason to, tbh. A frank conversation is needed. And actions to prove he thinks of you as a team.

HappyandSad Mon 22-Jul-13 21:35:21

Miss I have explained to him step by step what needs to be done with bath eg how to clean certain areas how to dry properly and how to use oil afterwards I have also shown him and tried to coach him but not in a condescending way I tell him to have fun and play with baby as well. My DC loves the water.
I think if I can talk to HV maybe they can offer him support too ?!
If I do gave mild PND what would they do?? I'm quite scared to talk about it with HV

Vivacia Mon 22-Jul-13 21:28:00

This is not a way to live. Needing a day or two to get used to the idea of being a dad who wants to care for his child? A man who threatens his wife if she thinks about seeking support from her own mother?

misskatamari Mon 22-Jul-13 21:14:38

Could you do bath time together for a few days and help him to settle DC? I know it must be hard for DH if he feels like he doesn't know what he is doing but he does need to keep trying.

It is awful that he doesn't want you to see your family. You need to explain to him that it is something you have to do - and the mentioning of kidnap is just ludicrous - I would be asking him why a thought like that would even cross his mind!

Hopefully he will come round and pull his weight!

HappyandSad Mon 22-Jul-13 21:10:52

smile at earthworms, nice way to look at it .
Reason for him not putting him to bed was because DC freaked out I seem to be better at calming him.
And yes it does seen my talk got me no where but maybe he needs a day or two to get used to the idea of helping out ?!?
I just want to be happy again and not worry about any if this .
I really would give anything to see my family. I wonder if I just booked tickets would he really call police or is he bluffing.

misskatamari Mon 22-Jul-13 21:09:05

He really needs to step up and be a father to his child. That means being able to do bath and bed without your help. TOUGH if he finds it tricky at first - it is his responsibility as a father ! He can't just give up and hand DC to you - how is that going to get him anywhere. He needs to spend time with your child bonding with him an stop being so bloody lazy and defeatist!

motherinferior Mon 22-Jul-13 20:46:04

So he hasn't done bath and bed, and he left the place a mess. Your talk got nowhere.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Mon 22-Jul-13 20:37:54

I am glad you are seeing your HV tomorrow.

I would be prudent about showing him this thread. Apart from posting here, you are pretty much isolated.

You do need some protection. You are being financially taken advantage of. You should not be using savings when he earns more.

He had down graded you to some homemaker role. It could all end happily but not by itself.

So if tomorrow he falls for a work colleague, or under the bus, you are homeless.

There are a lot of title things converging to a bigger picture where he does not respect you or imagine you as a long term equal.

karinmaria Mon 22-Jul-13 20:31:40

Baby cuddles are amazing smile

Ugh that he didn't do bedtime though. Any reason why?

Keep thinking about something else you said - that you wouldn't want to tell him about PND because he'd use it against you or as an excuse. That's horrid and makes me feel sad for you.

Earthworms Mon 22-Jul-13 20:22:13

Call his bluff on going to your mums. You absolutely need a break, and some help.

He won't let you take the baby? Great, he needs to book 3 weeks off work and do sole charge then.

And can start practicing now.

Yeah right.

Though it really doesn't feel like it, you are in a strong position. Think of yourself Like a boss that needs to make someone redundant. There's you who does all the work, or him, bullying idle slacker. Tough choice. Not.

HappyandSad Mon 22-Jul-13 20:22:07

DC been handed back to me hmm well at least I get cuddles!!

karinmaria Mon 22-Jul-13 20:18:34

I do like Vivacia's idea as that thread may have slightly less opinionated words on it like twunt!

It did take some time for my DH to come round to my more joint way of thinking but he's so pleased we did it now the baby is here. DH now sees us as a family unit rather than two separate people.

I'm so sorry your H isn't stepping up to the plate. Personally I think he sounds controlling (the thing about reporting you for kidnap should you do the very normal thing of taking baby to your parents for a bit for example) and disrespectful to you. I'll keep my fingers crossed he did bedtime tonight but sadly I think it'll be in vain.

Vivacia Mon 22-Jul-13 20:10:11

You could start another thread, tell us what you want us to say, and then show him that. For example, a) ask us to describe the arrangement in our families and b) what we'd do with the arrangement you describe.

Dramamama Mon 22-Jul-13 20:07:39

Tell him your going to your mums for the weekend leave him to do everything you normally do and see if he still feels like what he does is harder wink x

HappyandSad Mon 22-Jul-13 20:05:00

Disgrace I worry about if I have a right to house I having being paying for mortgage for 3 years and yeah I have considered seeing a solicitor just so I can stabs up for myself a bit more and show I know what I'm entitled too. Not that I would want his house but if the shut hits the fans I'd like to know I'd still have somewhere to live with baby.

HappyandSad Mon 22-Jul-13 20:01:42

Miss I did the bath

HappyandSad Mon 22-Jul-13 20:00:51

Karin I would like the set up you have. He does make me laugh and can be really sweet but since DC not so much. The best thing he has given me is the joy I get from my sweet little DC . I have forwarded him some links on how to adjust to the role of dad and support me and am considering showing him this thread. I was going to show him info on PND but I'm afraid he will then use that as an excuse IYSWIM. I have handed him DC 10 mins ago and told him to put him asleep he looks like a scared child , not very impressed with me I'm sure he will hand him back soon .
Thanks to everyone for the nice messages it means a lot to me

DisgraceToTheYChromosome Mon 22-Jul-13 19:59:00

OK. By paying half the mortgage you have a claim in equity against half the value of the house. You also have a right to reside there while DC is your dependent. After all, he isn't interested

Unless you can get H to stop being a twunt, you need to see a solicitor. It is that bad, trust me. I have two female friends who have been reduced to beggary by utter bastards, and I can smell it on your H. One of the friends lost her house because her H "neglected" to put her on the title deeds.

Courage.

misskatamari Mon 22-Jul-13 19:54:44

How has he been tonight Happy? Any luck with the bath and bed routine?

karinmaria Mon 22-Jul-13 19:43:01

Just to give you an idea of what we do in our marriage (which has taken work!): my DH and I pay half each of all mortgage, bills, food, baby essentials, car etc. This takes up pretty much all of my maternity pay so the rest of DH's salary is 'ours'. It goes into a joint account and we discuss what treats we spend each month e.g. He goes to the gym and does a martial art, I need a new dress for a wedding that's coming up. Anything left over goes into our moving house fund.

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