Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

so I have finally had enough, please tell me I am not BU

(145 Posts)
clodhopper13 Sun 21-Jul-13 11:05:19

Last night I ended my relationship of almost 3 years. I had had a few glasses of wine, but that did not create the feelings that came bursting out.Those feeling have been there for a long long time

I met my now xp after the breakdown of a horrible marriage. I loved him (still do) like I have never loved anyone and felt so happy.

he moved in with me and my kids about 2 years ago, and I became fully responsible for him financially. He has never paid a penny to me for the house nor bills and as he has no income whatsoever, all personal expenditure has also become my responsibility. I just cant do it any more. I have a very well paid job but am in debt and I cant see this situation ever changing. He does some childcare for me , for 1/2 hour most mornings and a couple of hours 2-3 x a week in the afternoons. We have cleaner.

He is trying/ has tried various schemes to make money which involve plans that never work out. He has done some renovation in the house for me - but this has taken two years and is not finished yet. when it is finished ( unlikely now) it will add £20K to the value of the house.

I basically think he is too comfortable and he has said he does want to earn, but not if it means making himself unhappy. I just see me getting deeper into debt, or denying myself any pleasures to make my salary stretch to two.

I was kind of managing with this but I have realised that it will not change. He has been like this for years and found people to support him. I can see that I will have to work for many years and never be able to retire or work part time; I have built up a pension pot and would like to be able to slow down sometime. I am a lawyer and although I love my job its very stressful and I don't want to (have to) work for ever.

Also, our sex life, which was amazing - joyful and intimate has dwindled over the last year to once a month or less. I cant explain how rejected unhappy and unattractive this makes me feel.

so I lost my temper last night and told him to go. He has gone, although he has nowhere to go and no income. I feel desperately upset and have cried all night. But I just cant see a resolution, and I cannot go on like this.....

have I been unreasonable?

EllaFitzgerald Sun 21-Jul-13 11:11:18

God no! He doesn't want to work doing something that will make him unhappy, but it's ok for you to be stressed, miserable and getting into debt supporting him? He's at home all day doing bugger all and hasn't even finished off the renovations? What's he doing, painting frescos on each ceiling?!

EllaFitzgerald Sun 21-Jul-13 11:14:47

My post sounded very harsh, I'm sorry if it upset you, especially as things only ended last night. My typing fingers went much faster than my brain.

You've definitely done the right thing, for you and the children. If he's serious about the family, he'll realise this and take responsibility for himself.

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper Sun 21-Jul-13 11:16:59

He is a complete hypocritical user. You have done the right thing.

Don't look back. flowers

clodhopper13 Sun 21-Jul-13 11:17:04

thank you. Im so miserable and unhappy. I loved him so much and I really felt like he was 'the one' My poor kids who have had their lives turned upside down my my marriage breakdown now have t go through all of this again. I just feel like I cant tell him how I feel because he gets so cross but I cant bottle it up either. Its making me angry, I'm such an idiot. I thought I was giving him a hand to get started again. But his 'work rate' is so slow and he never gets aound to most of the things he says he is going to do :-(

feel sick, ill and helpless today

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 21-Jul-13 11:19:20

YANBU. Sounded like a very one-way arrangement and the words 'cock' and 'lodger' are definitely in the wind. What's the point of having a 'kept man' if he's not even making you happy? Sorry you feel so upset but get your friends around you, have a few wine or brew and I'm sure the weight will lift soon and the sun will come out... Good luck

ratbagcatbag Sun 21-Jul-13 11:20:14

Big hugs clod,but it really sounds for your own sanity you needed to do this. Why should you work yourself daft for him to sit at home all day, the house should be clean, renovations progressing and him at least bringing on something part time.

kalidanger Sun 21-Jul-13 11:21:03

There are many shades of shit relationship but living with a cocklodger is, ime, a very special kind if shit relationship.

WELL DONE YOU thanks Be miserable for a bit if you need to but, also ime, you'll feel free, in control and wealthy in no time at all wine

EllaFitzgerald Sun 21-Jul-13 11:22:34

'The One' wouldn't expect you to finance his day dreams while he made no contribution to the home at all. If he ran the home while you worked, and you were happy with that, then fair enough, that's a job in itself, but can you imagine getting to retirement age and having to keep working to maintain his lifestyle?

What does he get cross about?

clodhopper13 Sun 21-Jul-13 11:39:17

he gets cross because I don't 'get him'. He wants to be self employed and creative - which he is, but doesn't have the commitment to see things through, or if I'm honest, to work really hard in a sustained and focussed way.

He will not consider paid employment. He thinks the child care pays his way

God i feel awful.

kalidanger Sun 21-Jul-13 12:07:05

What sort of adult won't 'consider' paid employment?? He's not right in the noggin and you're well rid angry

My cocklodging ex was very different - worked very hard and what was his was his ans what was mine was ours hmm Honestly, it's a relief when they go.

Hope you feel better soon thanks

FairyThunderthighs Sun 21-Jul-13 12:15:33

He thinks the childcare pays his way? No. He is to all intents and purposes the children's father figure, when he moved in with you and them he took on responsibility for them. I would never dream of paying my partner to look after my child, he does it because he loves him and he loves me.

It must hurt, but you really are doing the right thing. It's no way to live. And no, he's not THE ONE. THE ONE is allowed to have some small faults, like a bit of an untidiness habit, or terrible taste in music (my DP!) But so ething as huge as that is a major incompatibility.

Take care flowers

Don't waver

You are not a means for him to bankroll his affectation of beiing creatively self employed

It will sting, and you will grieve the sorry end of a relationship that wasn't what you thought it would be

Regroup, return all his stuff to him, change locks.

orangeandemons Sun 21-Jul-13 12:21:40

I want to be self employed and creative, have a creative degree.

But that don't butter no parsnips, so I have to work very hard in a job I don't even like. What makes him so special?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 21-Jul-13 12:27:45

"He will not consider paid employment."

So he's a work-shy gobshite .... hmm A tenner says he's one of those spoilt brats who grew up with indulgent parents saying 'he's not lazy and obnoxious, he's just so terribly bright & creative and needs more stimulation'. Do you feel awful for dumping him or do you feel awful that you let this Up His Own Artist into your life in the first place?

clodhopper13 Sun 21-Jul-13 12:37:38

I feel awful because I love(d) him. He saved me from the mess I was after my marriage broke down, I was so so happy. Maybe delusional. I thought he loved me (hollow laugh) maybe he does, ... but i'm so unhappy as well. I keep hoping that this is all a bad dream.

RandomMess Sun 21-Jul-13 12:43:10

You may still love him but you deserve better <<hugs>>

Twinklestein Sun 21-Jul-13 12:44:03

He may love you but he's such a tit that it's irrelevant.

You saved yourself from your previous marriage with the added burden of another mouth to feed. That's your achievement.

All he's done is a bit of sex, bit of babysitting & some diy.

EllaFitzgerald Sun 21-Jul-13 12:46:03

Is he cross because you don't 'get him' or is he cross because you're challenging his attempts to suck the life out of you and bleed your bank account dry?

I can't imagine that there are many self employed creative people who are able to make a living without working extremely hard. Even if you agreed to support his creative career, he's too lazy to even do this. As Orange asks, what makes him so special?

I know you're hurting now, but make a list of what he's contributing to your relationship, and ask yourself what exactly you'll be missing out on without him.

ArgyMargy Sun 21-Jul-13 12:46:45

I'm sure he does love you - unfortunately he seems to love himself a whole lot more. Unlikely to change so you are well rid if him, but of course knowing that doesn't help. hmmhmm

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Sun 21-Jul-13 12:54:47

If he loved you he wouldn't let you work yourself to the bone whilst he did fuck all. That is not love. Sorry.

clodhopper13 Sun 21-Jul-13 12:54:53

does anyone have a partner who has no income ?

I guess I could have coped batter if he was 'house husband' and did the cleaning, washing, gardening childcare... and better if we had ever really discussed it. I did say at the beginning that I was willing to support him for a year - but that was 2 1/2 years ago.

I cant stop crying, but I don't really know why I am crying, empty and sad I guess. I feel that I will never ever get over him

Plomino Sun 21-Jul-13 12:59:45

If he was 'the one' , you wouldn't have been feeling resentful . If he was 'the one' , he wouldn't be considering such an unequal partnership to be ok .

It's all very well wanting to be a 'creative ' which sounds easy , but I can tell you right now it's anything but . My brother is a cartoon illustrator . It took him ten years of going virtually door to door to every major animations company with his portfolio , doing unpaid internships , work experience , anything he could do , to get a foot in the door . It's finally paid off , but he'll still be going a long way before he's anything like well paid .

WHy should you have to work yourself into the ground to support someone who plainly does not support you ? Fuck that .

Twinklestein Sun 21-Jul-13 13:02:15

Might you be crying about the demise of your previous marriage for which he has been a temporary sticking plaster? Did you give yourself time to grieve before you moved onto him? Maybe you just need a period to grieve for everything.

You absolutely will get over him.

Sit down & figure out how much he has cost you over the time you've been together.

You're a lawyer, you can do so much better than this!

clodhopper13 Sun 21-Jul-13 13:08:03

we had so many plans. A holiday booked - the first time we would have had any time without the kids..

thing is he simply doesn't prioritise making money. Its just not that important to him. I do realise how ridiculous that sounds and I know as I write it that it only works if someone (me, his mum) enables him to do that.

he has become grumpy and distant as well - although he says that is me being ridiculous. I just felt hideously insecure ( as though he were only with me for the money) and festeringly angry so much of the time. I can't do that, and do my job and run the home. But under all that I just adored him. really really adored him. I don't know how to get past that. Im ok today but I know one day soon I'll fall over and just be desperate to see him/talk to him/ have him back. And so the merry-go-round will continue (if I do)

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now