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Devastated at lack of support and feel I am being punished for domestic abuse

(90 Posts)
alltoomuchrightnow Sat 20-Jul-13 18:22:58

It's like an extra 'punishment', really.
Left abusive alcoholic DP back in Feb. Posted on here for support - I was lololizzy then (and i apologise for inbox messages I didn't get back to..i had such trouble with passwords etc that I couldn't reply)
To cut a long story short..it was hell being back at my parents, and i went back to him in April to take the stress off them and because I had no money (basically they are v insular and like it being just the two of them and can't cope with any sort of strain or stress..even though to respect their wishes, i had to never mention what had happened to me). I had tried applying for housing but they (housing benefits) were so rude and unhelpful, basically only cared if i had kids or not (i don't). I was too depressed to fight for anything. I didnt really go back to him for him, as i didn't miss and love him, but more to use him as a roof over my head...(we still split the bills etc)- i didnt feel bad about the rest as he's been so horribly abusive the last yr and caused me job loss and to have a breakdown etc) and move on when i was stronger and had money behind me (unlike when i left). Since then things have been ok and we got on well, living like flatmates more than partners, which suited me fine . He convinced me he'd given up the booze. Not so as i've just found out. He did go without several weeks but has also been secret drinking and the last two weeks have been bad and he drinks openly. Basically all this time he's lulled me into false security..as i was warned would happen. He is now trying giving up again but i don't trust him and his anger is bad drinking or not.
I'm back to square one and will probably have to go to parents for time being and go through it all again and push harder this time for help.
But i'm crushed by the lack of support . My parents have made it clear that i should stay with him 'until he flips again' and play it by ear (even though they know i called the police last week!) (he is not physical by the way...it's all bad verbal abuse, ferocious temper threats and blackmail, and financial. In the past it was his suicide threats, but hasn't been lately). My mother actually said 'it is too hot to think about or talk about any of this..go back and wait for him to erupt again' (how would she like to live treading on eggshells and having her every move scrutinised and criticised?!)
My parents tell me often, that it is my fault as he was my choice..they never liked him. My fault for joining Facebook and adding him on (that's how we met, we had mutual friends on it) My fault for driving down to meet him in the first place. and so on. Very much, you made your bed, you can lie in it.
This week i tried going back to theirs for a few days with a view to moving back in again temp. The trouble is, my dad although elderly, is a bully like my ex. And i have bad memories of being back in my childhood home as he was very violent when i was a child, by that i mean proper beating me up, knocking me out etc. I have spent years trying to forgive as his father was same with him and so on.. Yesterday he spent the whole day shouting at me because I had purchased a book for £7 in a sale . It is my first treat in ages. He yelled so all the neighbours could hear and then blamed it on me causing him to shout by spending money i shouldn't. I see his point that it's a lot when i lost my job (because of all this) and i'm on ESA (also because of all this) and i have a car to run (which i do really need) but i still feel it's punishing me..that he would begrudge me a book that would give me a few hours of relaxation i so desperately need. I also tried to explain about my depression, anxiety and severe insomnia. It fell on deaf ears...thinks i should pull myself together and get a job. How can i get a job when a/ i can't sleep and have terrible anxiety b / i have no confidence left, despite the fact i've always worked c/ am of no fixed address now and flitting between partner's flat and their house...depending on circumstances ('D''s drinking and rants depend on all this..no way to live , i know...)
Please don't suggest friends... no one has spare room..i've tried everyone. I have no money..if i had some savings i'd go away and try and start a new life. Please be gentle as i fear i'll be flamed for this.. i don't think i could face hostel or refuge. All my friends that have been in them, tell me not to do it and that they wouldn't do it again. Also because i can't have children, it is too painful for me to be around mothers with small kids. (and that is another issue..but one thing at a time).
Both my parents pretty much turned on me yesterday and sent me packing saying to only come back if i can live by their rules and only when DP gets really severe again. They care but in a cruel to be kind, tough love way i guess. I suppose i don't blame them for not wanting an adult child on their doorstep and i am reminded constantly of the failure i have become.
What has cut me to the core..is today. The last straw. My best friend has cut me out for months (when i needed her the most) and i didnt know why. Today she finally messaged me saying it was disgusting that i went back to him and i didnt take her advice so she was bloody well never giving it again (i never actually asked for it! only for support!) She said i knew what he was like and yet i went back. No..he was getting help and i sincerely believed he was off the drink. Things were fine for months. And i had no where else to go. This is just the last straw for me. I can't stop crying and i don't see much point in fighting for anything.
For 23 yrs, her life has been one big drama full of scandals and so on. I have always , always stood by her..whether i agreed or not. We have been thru everything together She also once returned to an abusive partner , she seems to forget this, so i can't believe she would judge like this. I supported her unconditionally. So i now have lost best friend, and parents are not supportive because they simply can't understand what i'm going thru and say i brought much of it on myself merely by being with him. Also last week another friend read me the riot act because i had 'ignored advice' and gone back to DP. These friends are both loaded. Do they really think if i had money and a place to go, I would've returned!?
Sorry this is so long. I can't believe i'm going thru this again.
But with less support this time because people judge me for going back.
Life isn't that simple nor so black and white. I am so lost, i just want to run far away (but can't afford to!) I am more upset about parents and best friend than DP..as i don't love him. I feel utterly alone.
If i can't reply to this straightaway it means i don't have privacy to read/ answer but i really need friends and hand holding as this is now worse than when i left in Feb...people didnt judge then. I guess they think i've cried wolf and have given up on me. I just didnt realise how hard it would be...in the practical ways.

DioneTheDiabolist Sat 20-Jul-13 19:08:12

OP, what was your pkan when you left him and moved back with your parents in Feb?

alltoomuchrightnow Sat 20-Jul-13 19:08:17

but when you were a SAHM, did you have your own home? without a home i don't know how i can work? I do want to be working, I feel so overwhelmed.. and i don't know where i'm going to end up living. I know i will in time be sorted..home and job. Right now all i can hear in my head are words my parents and friend have said. I can get through anything with support..but without that.. I'm lost. I feel broken enough as it is. I feel like my father is saying, I've fucked up my life so much, that i'm not even worthy of a £7 book. And that if i stay there i have to be in bed by 10.30. I have insomnia so that would be torture..

alicetrefusis Sat 20-Jul-13 19:12:02

I am so sorry you are going through this, OP. The thing about having unsupportive ( to put it mildly!!) friends and family is that when you DO reach out elsewhere and get some sort of rebuff, it can seem completely cataclysmic. Don't let this deter you.

Please have courage, love, and seek out the support from the council that others have suggested. They have a duty to find you accommodation, even in these harsh times.

This is big, but you are bigger, if you see what I mean. You can do this. You're a survivor. Seek whatever support you can.

flowers

Lweji Sat 20-Jul-13 19:19:00

So sorry about your parents and your friend.
It seems like it's all about them, and when you are out you should address how your parents attitude may have shaped your relationships, including your friend.
She seems a taker and toxic.

I agree that you should stop dwelling on things and start being practical. Push WA for a practical solution. Your DV advisor, free solicitor time, whatever you can.
Could your parents lend you some money for a deposit?
Try to put things on paper so that it seems more doable, rather than a vague idea.

You can do it.

Lweji Sat 20-Jul-13 19:22:32

But you have insomnia mostly because you are with this horrible man, right?

Surely staying with your parents cannot be as bad.
Can't you get library books to help you through the night, or specifically ask the gp for sleeping pills, for example?

alicetrefusis Sat 20-Jul-13 19:41:11

Nytol (one a night kind) is good to start with smile smile

Lweji - I think OP's Dad sounds almost as bad as the ex P, frankly - which is very likely how she ended up with him in first place sad

alicetrefusis Sat 20-Jul-13 19:41:32

one too many smileys -oops!

alltoomuchrightnow Sat 20-Jul-13 22:06:36

The insomnia is actually much much worse at my parents. When at his..we don't share a bedroom. He sleeps on couch..he prefers it as likes to watch tv, be on and off computer etc (night bird) and he snores too loud. I get more peace at his
I had a problem with zopiclone in the 90s so gp is reluctant to give me anything strong. I am allowed about 12 temazapan a month and they do nothing to help me sleep, I even tried taking 3 the other night. They do relax me a little but they are way too mild. My body has got out of the habit of sleeping..the same as what happened to me in the 90s when i was prescribed zopi. I get panic attacks at night and feel like everything is closing in on me. It's not because of him i can't sleep..it's that my heart is racing and i feel wide awake even if i am exhausted.. i think most of it is, what will become of me. Where will i live, what will i do. Worry about the future. Money, etc etc. And when am at parents..the pressure to go to bed early and get up early. If someone tells me i must sleep, i won't.

alltoomuchrightnow Sat 20-Jul-13 22:09:47

and yes..being at parents is a bit of 'out of frying pan into fire'/ My dad still lays into me verbally and bullies me all the time. My mother has always been an enabler and will say its my fault for making my dad angry so that he ends up shouting and that if i just listened to him and did what he said, he wouldn't 'your dad is only trying to help, and you are throwing it in his face' is the favourite. Weirdly enough..my mum wears the trousers in their relationship. He pretty much worships her. It's me always got the brunt. So DP is just another version of him..not the drink or fists but certainly the control, domineering, bullying.. anger... zero tolerance for anything that isnt his view...'my way is the only way, do as i say and not what i do' type thing

alltoomuchrightnow Sat 20-Jul-13 22:22:39

Dione..the plan was for a new life (back in Feb). I didn't quite manage it. I saw a DV adviser, went to womens centre once a week (still do) , saw a policeman who deals in DV and went on the dv help line a lot. I had a breakdown and i luckily had a good doctor when i changed to my parents surgery. ( i still see her). Like i said...housing benefits were a nightmare and i ended up feeling beaten..as have done in past.They said i could only apply on line..my parents computer wasnt working. They said it would take at least 3 weeks for someone to help me with forms there so it really should be done online. Yes, i gave up, stupid i know..but i couldnt cope with anything practical and i felt doors were being slammed in my face.
Within a day of being back, my parents were trying to find me a job. I was crying and shaking the whole time and hardly left the house in the first 3 weeks as couldnt cope. I even struggled to dress myself..everything was so overwhelming. On day two of being back, my mum found me a job where her friend works.. i had to turn it down. I felt completely undermined..that no one could see what i was going through. I had thoughts of killing myself, because of lack of support, and the insensitivity. Whereas at least the doctor and my counseller could see how i really was. Doctor put me straight on ESA and told me not to work for a while! As the weeks went on, life with my parents got tougher. I was told by both of them , to never mention my 'situation' so as not to stress them out eg 'if your dad has a heart attack, it will be ALL your fault' (oh not because he's overweight, or used to smoke, which caused his first one??) or 'this is stressing your mum..never talk of it again' . I got much worse from having to smile all the time and pretend nothing was happening. It was totally draining and exhausting. They also opened my mail (still do) wouldnt let me have more than a few minutes on the phone (even though ihad a whole life to sort out) and went through my possessions , constantly criticising. If i had a bad day and wanted something as simple as a diet coke and bar of chocolate.. i would have to do it secretly ('You're not bringing that muck into this house'! - they are health freaks, and i'd have to hide the wrappers..which they'd always find) There was a period where DP did not drink for several weeks..so i went back then..basically to get away from my parents and so i couldnt be blamed for bringing stress to them. They were absolutely furious that the policeman had been round to see me 'why couldn't you ask him to come in a plain car..what will the neighbours think' ... For a few months, things were fine with DP. We lived like housemates and all was calm, it's really been the last fortnight its got bad again. And every week i still went back to my home town to see counseller, see my parents and also to go to a meditation class.

alltoomuchrightnow Sat 20-Jul-13 22:24:02

i can sort out the practicalities..i 'm going to have to really make myself this time. It's my parents and best mate's attitude i can't change, and it's that that hurts. I feel let down and almost betrayed really.. a home is just bricks and mortar but unconditional love and support is far more than that.

Hissy Sat 20-Jul-13 23:07:24

Look at how your parents treat you! How could you have EVER fallen into a HEALTHY relationship, when your 'normal' is so warped?

I too was only my own when ex left, I got extra knife turns from family which hurt like nothing else in the world.

Mumnet was my constant support, all friends I had, well both, were abroad.

I Knowing this stuff hurts,I Knowing how alone you feel, but you can do this, you really can!

2 years only, my life is immeasurably better than even its ever been!

Keep posting,get away from the lot of them, they don't deserve you.

alltoomuchrightnow Sat 20-Jul-13 23:29:50

thankyou, Hissy. great to hear you came out the other side.

amightywhoosh Sat 20-Jul-13 23:34:11

Your parents and 'best' mate - they are damaged people. Don't judge yourself for their reaction to you.

Zazzles007 Sun 21-Jul-13 00:04:01

Gosh OP, I really feel for you. You have grown up in a massively abusive family and so (unwittingly) found a partner to replicate that as an adult. Please get away and put some distance between you and your abusive parents, the abusive P, and the soul suckers that dare to call themselves your friends. I have no advice for you as I am not in the UK, but others have outlined some options. Your self-esteem in in the floor at the moment, and I can well understand why, with the type of people you have around you. Putting a physical distance between you and them will help you to feel better - your body is responding to this trauma with the 'flight/fight' response which is why you feel so bad. Good luck.

Hissy Sun 21-Jul-13 00:20:07

Think about it... your life is about as bad as it can get with them in it.

Remove them from it, you'll start to see the truth all around you, that YOU are fine, ok, and a nice person.

They are not.

Removing them from your life makes more space for good people. smile

It really does!

Yes it'll be hard to come to terms with it all, but remember one thing if you remember nothing else: you didn't cause this, you didn't do anything to 'deserve' this, and nothing you could ever do will change the way they are, and how they choose to behave.

The only thing you have any power over is whether you choose to allow them to continue as they are.

Now that you know where you stand, you can't justify it continuing, can you.

Please keep talking to us. Have you tried Woman's Aid? They are great for listening, and advice.

We're here for you. Please lean as much and as often as you need to.

We do have an idea of how you feel, and we're all hurt, cross and sad for you.

Leverette Sun 21-Jul-13 06:12:16

What hissy said.

Your parents are nasty abusers themselves. How dare they fail to protect and nurture their daughter in need. I was in a comparable situation and whilst devastating to acknowledge, it was the final straw I needed t recognise that my 'family' were pointless and had trained me well to feel undeserving of warm, supportive love.

Are you on ADs? They would help at the moment.

You can do this xx

kalidanger Sun 21-Jul-13 09:23:22

1. GP for ADs
2. Will your parents give/lend you deposit on a small studio flat?
3. Live quietly and alone, on the dole with charity shop books, until you can breathe freely
4. Begin to plan the rest of your life and rebuild
5. Win

RhondaJean Sun 21-Jul-13 09:30:59

We're you. Y any chance the poster who was worried about her pet? I often wondered how you were getting on if so.

GP first. If he gives you meds it might surprise you how much clearer and stronger you can be with them. Good luck.

alltoomuchrightnow Sun 21-Jul-13 12:39:11

yes i was worried about my pet. He is still with DP and he is fine, thankfully. Despite all DP's troubles he does really love him and did manage to look after him while i was away. But he did use the animal against me for a while and i'm sure could again, however my fears about him being neglected were perhaps me being over anxious (but then, DP did make threats when he was at his worst last winter). When i finally settle i intend to get my pet back. I am on AD's yes so i am better than i was but the insomnia has , if anything, worsened. My body's just forgotten what normal sleep is. I went through this in the 90s and i know it can get better but it will take time. I went through my 30s with pretty much normal sleep apart from a few blips.
Having had some time to think about it...so called best friend is the problem and not me. She has removed nearly everyone from her life that has annoyed her in some way. (which means there's not many left!) If someone has a problem and especially if they are not dealing v well with that problem..she sees it as a weakness. She forgets all the dramas she has had since i have known her, and the massive mistakes she has made.. i can't point anything out to her as I know from past experience, she would go on the defensive and cause a row because she wouldn't want to discuss it. I am angry because she has been in my shoes and because she was far from home, she stuck with her dodgy ex for years. I seem to be surrounded by people who are 'do as I say and not as I do'. If i lose her it's yet another loss and I've had enough losses to last a lifetime. However, some new friends have come into my life and I'm so grateful for that. But it's hard as have shared so much with best friend and 23 yrs is more than half my life. It will feel like a bereavement. And i've always gone the extra mile for her. I will see her at a friend's memorial soon and just have to play it by ear but she' ll probably be the centre of attention there as she'd been abroad for years and there are people she hasnt seen for 20 yrs..so we probably wouldnt get a chance to chat anyway.
DP is not drinking and doing well and wants to quit for good. I don't trust it though of course i want him to stick to it. But I don't love him or want to be with him long term.
My parents aren't classic abusers..it's all very subtle these days. But yes maybe my 'normal' is warped. In the past, they have helped me a lot with practical issues. Money, car etc. They always housed and fed me when i was 'between homes' eg when i came back from travelling etc. But everything has always been thrown back in my face and never have they been supportive about ANYTHING i've ever done. Even if i do something really 'sensible', they will find a fault. If i try to speak to my mum about my dad she'll just say that he loves me and that I'm being mean and ungrateful. I think she 'enables' him as she just wants peace. Hence her advice to return to DP until things get terrible again. hmm
I can't help it but I feel really envious of people with supportive parents. It's all too easy for people to say 'just go back home..of course your parents will be there for you'. Or...'take time out and travel the world'.. hmm what do they think when i tell them i have NO money?!

alltoomuchrightnow Sun 21-Jul-13 12:39:59

sorry to hear that, Leverette,

alltoomuchrightnow Sun 21-Jul-13 12:45:09

i just want a 'normal' life and to be happy again. is that too much to ask for? to have my own place and my own things around me and to have some identity again and not to be at the mercy of others or indebted to anyone.. never did i think i'd feel 'homeless' at age 42.. i thought i'd have my own property and be set for life. I feel such a failure.

alltoomuchrightnow Sun 21-Jul-13 12:51:01

I think i've got to prepare myself to lose two people, haven't I? DP , losing the 'nice DP', the sober DP. That's not such a loss after what he's put me through and i didn't miss him when i left before. The biggest loss will be my friend. I can't believe she's turned against me like this. Then again she's cut out her old school friend because she says all that friend does is talk about her kids and she doesn't want to hear it. (she chose not to have kids). She's cut out her brother because his wife commited a crime, her aunt because she's been supportive to the brother, her dad for same reason, her cousins (one because she talks about her baby too much and the other because she thinks she's a benefit scrounger), one friend because she doesn't agree with her keep having affairs (even though friend has always cheated on her exs) another friend because she is 'too obsessed with her new cat' !! hmm and so on. So judgemental. It's really not me, is it?! And I say all this but she has been a good friend over the years. We've shared the best times together. But..always been very hot headed and judgemental. Enough is enough.

alltoomuchrightnow Sun 21-Jul-13 12:52:01

btw friend is training to be a counseller hmm

Hissy Sun 21-Jul-13 13:41:49

I'd say start at cutting out 2, but work towards 4.

There isn't anything wrong with you. It really IS them.

How can your utterly deluded frenemy possibly be a counsellor when she's run away from anyone and everyone near her who's ever needed support, or better, judged them.

I hope the course costs HER a bomb, and I hope they boot her off it.

Are you the one with the old cat?

You do need to leave him, you and your cat! Please go to the library and use their computers to sign up, or you may be able to do them in the job centre.

You do need to see what help you can get to be independent and free from abuse.

At the moment, you have it wherever you stay; parents/DP. You have to do whatever it takes to isolate and protect yourself from these people. The ought to come with a health warning!

Keep talking to us/WA/wherever you get support, this strength takes time to bolster somehow, but you have to do it.

Let me assure you, that getting free from people like this IS hard, and you wonder why you're doing it all, and feel so drained you give up and comply with the plans these awful people have for you.

Let me tell you that one deep breath, one step, and one moment of determination is all it takes to get out.

It takes stamina and a faith in yourself and hope for a better future for you to keep walking.

The rewards for that bravery is unimaginable. I promise you. You will kick yourself for ages for not having done it sooner, but we can help you with this phase too, as we've all felt the same.

You really aren't alone. Far from it!

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