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Decided that I just don't like DH atm - are we doomed?

(14 Posts)
aboutagirl Sun 21-Jul-13 17:21:21

So just got home after being out at the shops for an hour and come home to a seriously grumpy mood.

Apparently I am being a Sergeant major as I asked him to get something out the garage (he was closer than me and it was heavy) and if he could put the 2 bags of shopping away.

I snapped at what I feel was totally unreasonable behaviour, got really angry and told him I hate him. He says if that is really the case then we need to get divorced.

Now I am doubting myself, as I just don't know what I feel. I hate living with someone so grumpy and angry all the time.

atrcts Sat 20-Jul-13 20:59:26

I was thinking about starting a similar thread - my husband doesn't talk to me or even bother to reply so much of the time. I've often answered myself out loud to make a point, but he just gets more moody than normal if I bring it to his attention. It's like talking to a brick wall and it's not the person I met in the beginning.

I find I am treading on eggshells all the time and am putting myself out to keep him happy, so that I (and the kids) can have a more peaceable life.

His family defend him by saying; a) that he has been long-term ill recently and is on some seriously toxic medication with horrible side effects that can alter the mood. And their second defence for him is b) that we all show our best sides to the world and save the grumpy side to the four walls of home. But I'm aware that people often say if a person is nice to everyone apart from those at home, then they have a wider problem than should be ignored as it is a form of mental/emotional abuse/neglect. Not sure what to think about that because I know I can be defensive and hurt with him one minute, and then sweetness and light to someone different (who is not pissing me off!). So I know we can all be a bit like that.

It's not healthy to live in a relationship that's not working though. It's a waste of time and builds resentments, sometimes (if left too many years) beyond repair. So I am all for getting it sorted out, whether that be through relate as some have suggested here, or by any different means. I do know that relationships are hard and sometimes need to be worked at, and that it's not a good idea to jump ship at the first hurdle before you've tried to work at it. I don't think just staying there and putting up with it is working at it by the way. That would not be productive.

But I can't really offer any advice because I'm in a similar situation myself and am trying to find my own way through. I really do wish you the best of luck dealing with this though, as it impacts on the whole family and it really important.

yamsareyammy Sat 20-Jul-13 19:30:38

What does he think and say about the relationship?

aboutagirl Sat 20-Jul-13 19:16:00

Yes, he is aware of getting older, he is looking older in the face and career has been a bit stop startey in the last few years. He is not where he wants to be and we have close friends who are more successful. I took redundancy when DC2 small and have been SAHM - I know he feels the money pressure. I do hope to get back to work when DC2 goes to school in September though without close family nearby I know everything childcare related will fall on my shoulders.

Have considered Relate but logistics very hard - he parent both dead, mine miles away and don't really have any childcare.

yamsareyammy Sat 20-Jul-13 19:10:46

I she getting older, and feel that he is losing control of things around him. Career? Health? Health of his parents?

arsenaltilidie Sat 20-Jul-13 18:36:10

Communication...
You are probably the right candidate something like relate where things are not too late.

have you talked to him about this?

aboutagirl Sat 20-Jul-13 18:18:44

He's not always been like this - seem to be getting much more grumpy as he has got older (mid 40s now). I do want thinks to work, and whilst I do want to vent, I do want some suggestions of positive things I could do to make things better.

It would be a lie to say I haven't thought about leaving the relationship, but the balance is still definately skewed to staying at the moment - partially due to our history together and the knowledge I have of much better times, as well as the well being of our DC. The negatively that he dishes out, though depressing to live is not all that he is iyswim.

kutee Sat 20-Jul-13 18:09:21

Sorry I don't agree I don't like mine at the moment or at all lately but I know that it could just be a rough patch. You have to weigh up good and bad and then decide.

FetaCheeny Sat 20-Jul-13 18:08:13

No advice, but am in similar boat and interested in responses.
Difference is I can't pin point why, But i just don't like his company anymore sad

yamsareyammy Sat 20-Jul-13 18:07:36

I was surprised to see that you have been with him 19 years. As in, I was expecting it to be 7 or something.

Were you with him day in day out for the 19 years, or was he away for a lot of the time?

If you are happier when he is not at home that fact alone should be telling you something. There are serious problems here.

What do you think the two of you are teaching your children about relationships here?. Two words suffice; damaging lessons.

What do you get out of this relationship with your H now?. What really keeps you within this now?. The hope that he will somehow change and have an epiphany?. That will not happen because he likely thinks he is not doing anything wrong re you people in the first place.

He sounds neither a good dad to his children or a decent H to you.

Wuldric Sat 20-Jul-13 18:03:49

Watching with interest. No advice.

aboutagirl Sat 20-Jul-13 18:00:13

There is still some love there but I don't think I like him very much atm. Has anyone successfuly got back from feeling like this?

He is perpetually grumpy, strict with the DC and basically, not a very nice person to be around lots of the time. He is not violent but is very scornful. For instance, DC (7) was kicking a light plastic ball around the house just now (think the £1 supermarket ones). I let him do this. DH went off at him along the line of (shouting) " I don't want to ever see you doing that again in the house".

DH had a stict army unbringing and I honestly think that normal is skewed for him. I was not so apparent when the DC were younger but has become more noticeable over the year as the DC get older.

I find it incredibily unattractive and am happier when he is not here. Increasingly I have stopped involving him in decisions as I just can't be bothered dealing with his opinions ( he is very cautious about safety and cleanliness too).

We used to have a great relationship and I would love to get back to where we were (been together 19 years). But how, when I don't even want to converse with him at times? What on earth do I do?

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