Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

help me rationalize please

(68 Posts)
Buzzardbird Sat 20-Jul-13 00:34:36

Tonight I discover that my best friends bil has been imprisoned for child sex offense. I am in a state of complete shock I guess you would call it as we have socialised with this man since my dd was born (7 years) and although I know I never let my dd out of my sight so no harm has come to her, I am really struggling with my rage at my best friend's dh who knew this was his second offense and not only didn't tell me or my best friend but let us even invite thus monster into our home last Christmas as he is single and we didn't want him to be alone.

My friend is struggling to understand my feelings and has begged me not to say anything to her dh as he is obviously ashamed and embarrassed. She never had children and doesn't understand that I am furious that my dd could have been in a potentially harmful position. It doesn't help that I was abused as a child and this has always been my greatest fear.

My dh struggles with emotions and has said next to nothing...no anger, no fear, nothing. Therefore I am trying to work through how I feel alone.

I want to punch my df's husband but this will be fruitless won't it as its highly unlikely this situation would ever happen again isn't it?

My friend needs my support and I will be there for her no matter what but I need to vent how I feel and it looks like you mnr's will have to be my release.

Please tell me something to reassure me that everything will be ok and I haven't let dd down?

kalidanger Sat 20-Jul-13 11:43:49

You don't have to see them today! You really don't. Not if you're not ready.

This bit is all about Buzzard. Her friends can deal with their reactions while she deals with hers.

thanks

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 20-Jul-13 11:57:15

I think it's very clear that you don't socialise with this pair any more. It's not their fault exactly that they have such a dysfunctional relative, but it was their choice to hide information which would at least have given you a choice. FWIW I don't believe your friend was in the dark. If she knew the brother was in prison in the past, surely the obvious question is 'what is he in for?'

Buzzardbird Sat 20-Jul-13 12:00:45

Thank you, the thing is I haven't made it all about me as the reason I agreed to still see them tonight was to show support so how anyone can say something so cruel and heartless when I am obviously suffering is beyond me.
I spent several hours on the phone with her last night to let her talk it through as she has to tell other people as well.
I out of anyone else has more right to be sickened and angry as I am the only one who's child has been exposed to this monster regularly.
I am going now to find all the gifts he gave my dd to get rid of them if that's ok and I'm not making it "all about me"?
thank you to everyone else for your kind words that have really helped someone who has no-one else to talk to. I considered phoning my mum who I am not particularly close to but didn't want her to feel a fraction of what I feel. How selfish am i?

Vivacia Sat 20-Jul-13 12:04:11

If it would make you feel better, and your daughters won't miss the presents, get rid of them then.

kalidanger Sat 20-Jul-13 12:04:25

I was lucky I had a close group of people in the same situation to talk and talk and talk to.

Do what you need to to do. And when you've personally come down off the ceiling you'll hopefully feel better placed to respond. It's probable that your friend isn't having the easiest time of it either.

Another bunch of thanks

joblot Sat 20-Jul-13 12:05:29

Tell everyone. He has abused children he is dangerous I'd want to know, who wouldn't? He's given up his right to privacy by irreparably damaging who knows how many children. I'm surprised by some comments here, but that's what you get in a public forum. You know who's making sense and who isn't. Ignore the selfish stuff, it's crap

Buzzardbird Sat 20-Jul-13 12:06:21

Thank you cogito, I agree. Sorry if I wasn't clear (i seem to have lost the ability to be clear) but my friend's dh lied to her when he was 'visiting', she didn't know about his brother having done anything before last week. It was her lack of reaction to him not only lying to her from the beginning but also allowing her to invite us along whenever his brother and mother visited, which was frequently. I thought maybe it hasn't sunk in with her yet and when it does then she will react in the way I would have?

Vivacia Sat 20-Jul-13 12:07:11

Telling everyone would cause harm and upset to the friend, her family and perhaps a paediatrician living 100 miles away.

joblot Sat 20-Jul-13 12:09:00

Unlikely, one incident is not enough to prevent right actions. Preventing other children being abused, now thats responsible and right

Vivacia Sat 20-Jul-13 12:09:26

So your friend was as ignorant as you, and has also been lied to be the husband? The poor woman, she must feel dreadful. And grateful that you spent seven hours on the phone with her. She must be all over the place.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 20-Jul-13 12:11:21

She may be furious with him behind closed doors or, yes, it may have not sunk in yet. But the fact that she swore at you, is openly defending her HD, and doesn't seem to have the emotional intelligence to work out why a mother is upset at her precious DCs having been exposed to a dangerous man.... that's why you don't socialise with her. The pair of them are irresponsible.

Buzzardbird Sat 20-Jul-13 12:11:36

Thank you kalid and job. I hope that some people get the joy they are after when they reduce people asking for an outlet to tears. Maybe that is good as I never cry and it might help.
My dd won't miss the gifts as they were jewellery which she isn't interested in and yes, it will make me feel better to remove items that were touched by a filthy pervert and given to my innocent child. Strange that!

Vivacia Sat 20-Jul-13 12:12:14

Joblot, he has been imprisoned. What cjildren are at risk, that will also be protected by talk?

joblot Sat 20-Jul-13 12:14:49

Newsflash- child abusers often continue to access child porn and groom families, and he will be released at some point. Recidivism is a big issue with child abusers.

Vivacia Sat 20-Jul-13 12:18:21

He can access porn and groom children from prison?

You think recidivism facilitates child abuse? I think paedageddon causes more harm than good. The OP's children came to know harm. Not because she feared a "paedo" monster, but because she took sensible, healthy precautions she should.

Vivacia Sat 20-Jul-13 12:20:10

Sorry, "to no harm" not "to know harm"!

Zazzles007 Sat 20-Jul-13 12:22:53

I am gobsmacked at those who are defending a child sex offender who has been incarcerated for a second offense and the family members who deliberately kept this information from the OP. If you chose to do something as vile and despicable as to molest children you deserve the consequences. There is no coincidence that even in a jail, child sex offenders are considered the lowest of the low and often are beaten to a pulp when other inmates find out what they are in for. An adult choosing to sexually molest an innocent child who relies on and trust the adult to do the best by them deserves what they get.

tribpot Sat 20-Jul-13 12:24:30

I would imagine your friend thought you wouldn't be upset because it was known nothing had happened to your dd. That shows a staggering lack of empathy. Yet you're meant to sympathise with the fact she is having to notify people of her BIL's imprisonment?

In terms of not telling other people - sorry, I see no reason why you should comply with that when there's every chance they will try and cover up what he's done when he is released from prison a second time. Why should someone else be put in the situation you have been? I wouldn't be telling all and sundry but you shouldn't have to conceal it either.

And please, for your own sake, don't go and see them and play nice tonight. It strikes me you haven't been angry enough with them and in front of his mum is not the time to lose it. If your DH is sufficiently unmoved by events that he wants to go along - fine. Do yourself a favour and count yourself out.

maristella Sat 20-Jul-13 12:25:42

I'm absolutely stunned and disgusted by your responses Vivacia. Parents need to be made aware if someone socialising with their child is a predatory paedophile ffs!

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 20-Jul-13 12:27:50

"The OP's children came to know harm"

More by good luck than good guidance. hmm The sentiment that 'nothing happened, so what are you worried about?' is exactly why the OP's friend should be given a wide berth.

joblot Sat 20-Jul-13 12:27:59

Ah you clearly know much more than I. Not. Unfortunately like drug use, prisoners manage to acceess things they shouldn't. You sound terribly naive. And you do not know if op's daughter has been affectedby him. let's hope not.

maristella Sat 20-Jul-13 12:28:13

To think that a paedophile not having to be alone at Christmas is more important than protecting an innocent and vulnerable child from said paedophile just beggars belief.
OP your friends husband is not your friend. I'm so angry for you

Vivacia Sat 20-Jul-13 12:28:29

Zazzles, where has someone defended a sex offender? Furthermore, my whole point had been that it is not the convicted criminal who will be hurt by malicious talk,

Buzzardbird Sat 20-Jul-13 12:28:30

I will be telling no-one for the sake of my friends but if I find out that when he is released again he is allowed to continue to mix with people with children (as there are others in the family) I will tell them in a heartbeat. This, I believe is the correct sane way to act...and that is from someone who feels like she is crumbling and is doubting herself.

joblot Sat 20-Jul-13 12:29:19

My last comment aimed at vivacia btw

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now