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Should i just be brave and leave or stay and make it 'work'

(59 Posts)
grounddown Fri 19-Jul-13 10:49:27

P and i have 2 beautiful children, 24 months and 6 months and its bloody hard work. DS doesn't sleep and P wont do the nights so im knackered 24/7 and back at work 2 days a week.
P doesn't seem to understand just how hard life is for me at the mo, surviving on 4 hours sleep a night and entertaining a teething, nearly crawling 6 month old and a very energetic 2 year old on my own- im on my knees by 6pm knowing im going to have a crap nights sleep and be up at 5am. He thinks its ridiculous when im crying at 3 in the morning from sheer frustration.

P and i argue constantly, about how to deal with the kids (DD is having trouble self settling at bedtime due to climbing out of the cot and being in a bed so someone has to sit with her until she falls asleep) and housework and just about anything really, i am no angel - i give as good as i get but i dont use the language he does and i dont do it in front of the kids although im sure they can hear. Last night he called me a prick in front of the kids and told me he hates me. Then 2 minutes later hes fine again and bringing me some strawberries.

I have been ready to leave before, i honestly dont love him and im with him because i want my kids to have 2 parents but thats just not reasonable is it. We might have 1 day a week where we are ok, well civil anyway and the rest of the time we either dont speak or argue.

We currently live in a 2 bed bungalow with DS in his own room, me on the sofa, P and DD in a double bed in her room - crazy!!!! I dont agree with the sleeping arrangements but im too worn out to argue. We had the chance to move next door into a 3 bed house (we rent) but he wouldnt move because there was nowhere outside for him to smoke weed, he never said that but i know thats the truth - we have a huge garage here. He is restricting our lives isnt he. He is being made redundant in 10 weeks and he hasnt looked for a job. He will get a big payout but the way he is with money it will be gone in a month.

I have been on rightmove this morning and seen a house in our area for an unbelievable price. I earn a measly wage and cant afford to move on my own but have managed to squirrel away enough for a deposit and am sure my mom would be a guarantor if i asked her. The problem is im just so scared of dealing with the kids on my own - bedtime is sheer hell and i dont know how i would do it - i would have to leave one child alone, crying whilst i put the other to bed. I dont do crying at bedtime.

Im sure i could put up with his crap and he definitely wont leave me, he says if anyones going its me not him so if i want to split the family up thats on my head but should i? Hearing your mom and dad argue is horrible and mine didnt do it much but i never heard my dad call my mom a fucking c*nt sad

Its just such a huge thing and i dont want to ruin stuff. P will be very difficult if we split, im not looking forwards to his backlash.Sorry this is long.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 19-Jul-13 10:58:17

I was veering towards suggesting some counselling and working out ways of managing the workload at home better between you... until I read about the weed-smoking, the verbal abuse and his irresponsible attitude to jobs and money. He sounds horrible.

I think you find things so tough at the moment because you're not only managing two kids and a job, you've also got a lead weight round your neck. If you didn't have the lead weight I'm willing to bet that you'd be more relaxed, the children would be less stressed (yes they're picking up on the atmosphere at home), and those bed-times you're so worried about would be a lot easier than you think.

You wouldn't be splitting the family up when you reject him. You'd be reducing the size of the family that's all.

grounddown Fri 19-Jul-13 11:05:53

Thank you - im crying whilst reading that because its so true. Im going to be brave and ring the estate agents to make an appointment to see that house.
Ive rang in sick to work as im just so exhausted. My kids are at my wonderful childminders so maybe i can think with some clarity today and make a plan.

No it is not at all reasonable to stay solely out of some innate desire of yours for the children to have two parents. They already have two parents anyway, the male here in this is conducting his own private war against you because he is at heart emotionally barren himself and blames you for all his problems. It is better to be apart and happier than to be together and miserable. He is also being emotionally abusive towards you, you want your children to be witness to all this as they get older?.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships, surely not this dysfunctional role model because this is what it is.

The new house sounds great and tbh you do not receive much if any help now from your weed smoking man anyway. Your mother could act as guarantor and perhaps she could also help you with the children at bedtime in the early days.

Why choose to stay within this, being on your own will be hard but surely its better than being in this abusive relationship now. He is actually doing and saying all the stuff abusive men say to keep their victims in the hole he has dug for you.

Also staying together in such circumstances is not a great role model relationship wise because it teaches the children that you only stayed together because of them. A terrible burden for such young people to carry and that will damage them as well.

grounddown Fri 19-Jul-13 11:10:18

You are right, my poor children. When you are in the thick of it its hard to see whats actually happening but when others point out how ridiculous this sounds it becomes like a light has been switched on. What the fuck am i doing with a man who says he hates me!!!!!! Im an intelligent woman for gods sake!!!
Made an appointment for Tuesday, he can kiss my ass.

ImperialBlether Fri 19-Jul-13 11:11:08

He gets to sleep in the double bed with your daughter while you sleep on the sofa and yet you still have to get up with her in the night?

No, no, no!

If my partner called me names like that I'd be gone. There's no way I'd put up with it, never mind expect my children to witness it.

Go and look at a new place to live. The children can share a room. Ask your mum or the childminder to come round for a few nights to help you get into a routine with bedtimes.

I can't tell you how much nicer your life will be - you'll feel as free as if you were on holiday.

Jesus christ! Agree with Cogito

I'm sure it's hard to see it for what it is but it sounds like you just needed to hear some opinions from outside of the relationship.

No one should have to put up with that. It's nice to have 2 parents who are together but only if they have a healthy functional relationship. I'm sure you know this but you really could do so much better, even just being by yourself is better than that.

Good luck smile

BerkshireMum Fri 19-Jul-13 13:27:08

You can make the move and, although there will be tough times, it will be better than it is now, I promise.

On a practical, bedtime note, even at age 2, DD should be able to understand that she needs to stay in her bed while you sort out the baby and that you will then come back and read her story, settle her etc.

My DC are exactly 2 years apart and, although I have a wonderful DH, he was rarely home from work at bedtime so I had to find coping strategies.

Good luck.

EllaFitzgerald Fri 19-Jul-13 13:40:26

I've not been in your position as an adult, but my mum stayed with my dad for years longer than she should have because she believed that it was better for us to have both parents there. It wasn't.

Kids do pick up on atmospheres and they will have heard your P call you names. We all learn what a relationship is like from those closest to us as children and, as Attila says, it's a pretty dysfunctional example.

Good for you for making the appointment, I hope the house is perfect for you. It will be tough at times, but how much support were you getting from him anyway? Good luck.

myroomisatip Fri 19-Jul-13 13:50:38

You will be so much better off without him. You worry about dealing with your children on your own - but you are already doing that now! Imagine you will have a bed to sleep in! How much better you will feel for that reason alone smile

And as much as you cannot see it now, the children will get older and it will get easier. They will be able to do more things for themselves and for each other and you will become a happy little family unit. smile

grounddown Fri 19-Jul-13 14:48:04

Thank you all so much, I'm going to see the house on Tuesday and there's no-one going before that so if I like it there's a good chance I can make an application. A good friend is coming with me to help with the kids, i will tell her all about it.
They will accept DSS aswell, I'm assuming that means housing benefit? I went on entitled and I was shocked at just how much I am entitled to!! Even working 16 hours a week! I think I will be able to afford it after all and it will be so nice to tell P I don't need his money and I can never be accused of staying with him for his redundancy money. He can buy nappies, wipes and milk and save into an account for them.

It will be hard if I can build up the courage to leave but I can set up a bedtime routine that suits the 3 of us and as was said I am pretty much doing it on my own now anyway.

I feel quite empowered today, I just hope I can find the strength to make the break somewhere.

ImperialBlether Fri 19-Jul-13 14:54:17

If he's going to save for them, make sure you have a way of checking that's happening.

What a horrible man, I hope you get that house OP, I really do.

How cruel to ridicule you when you are crying out of frustration, the evil bastard.

You will love being independant, and your children will surely benefit from a happier mummy.

I wish you the very best thanks thanks

grounddown Sat 27-Jul-13 05:37:07

The house has been let , my viewing was cancelled sad right back to square one. I don't know what to do now, so sad.

Morning Ground down

I'm sorry about the house, but don't let it get you down. Get your details on the Estate agent lists, but don't give them your current address or phone number, just an email. You don't want him finding out your plan through some accidental post. Ask your mum or friend if you can use their address if they need one.
Chin up love, this is a small set back on your journey. You've been through so much so far, you are strong enough to cope with this. Keep looking! THIS IS NOT THE END! Good luck. x

GetStuffezd Sat 27-Jul-13 07:25:44

Do not worry and don't see it as an excuse to stay. It's always disappointing when that happens but there WILL be more! I'm bored and on hol at the mo, so am more than happy to scour rightmove for you! grin

There will be another house. Hang on to your resolve, keep saving and you will get out.

Heather2013 Sat 27-Jul-13 09:10:42

You're situation is a bit similar to mine in some ways. I didn't realise this until I was on this forum that men often start behaving badly (or abusively) after babies come along. It makes perfect sense. Now they are not no.1 anymore, all the focus of caring gets shifted onto the baby. You probably don't want to look/feel like bad mum by putting yourself first, so you somehow slip into routine of doing everything, putting everyone before yourself - and somehow these guys are too selfish to care.
Anyway - I am a total newbie at understanding or advising on relationship dynamics - but what I am good at is child routines!
It takes time to establish good routines - but believe in yourself and you can get a routine that works for you. You should be able to get an hour or two to yourself in the evening. You might need stair gates over the room doors - don't feel bad about this. In the end it will help the child feel safe and secure and they will like it. My 2 year old howled for a couple of nights and flung things over the gate. Then she slept on the floor beside the gate for a couple of months -and now she sleeps in her bed. Decide in advance when bedtime is going to be - and stick to it. Controlled crying can work wonders - go back every 5,7,10,12 etc minutes and comfort, though don't engage in conversation. Offer water. Maybe a baby lullaby cd that can be restarted if they wake up in the night.
I think your youngest will soon be at an age where they can physiologically manage through the night without waking hungry (Health Visitor can advise). I put off controlled crying method until baby was 9 months old, and couldn't believe how easy it was - not as distressing as some mums think. Look into it, make a plan and stick to it. They have to get in their beds and go to sleep. they just have to (unless they are unwell). Have a good unwind / bedtime routine / story and don't let them sleep too much in the day time.
Things will get better soon and you have one of life's great gifts - two lovely children.
As for your man........YES he is a rotter.

grounddown Sat 27-Jul-13 11:04:25

Thanks Getstuffezed, I've been looking today and can't see pet, I live in the catchment area of a really good school and houses just get snapped up. It turns out the person who got the house I wanted to see just knocked on the door and asked the current tenants for a look around without calling the agent then went straight in and put the deposit down.
Thanks Heather, I've put her toddler bed back up and I'm going to put her in that tonight and just keep putting her back to bed, just wish I could get more than 3 hours sleep in a row! Oh we'll, they will soon be teenagers and ill have the opposite problem!!

grounddown Sat 27-Jul-13 11:05:15

Can't see one, not pet!!

GetStuffezd Sat 27-Jul-13 11:08:56

Yes, in competitive areas that's fairly common, I believe. How frustrating though.

grounddown Sat 27-Jul-13 11:22:21

I wish I had done that now, doubt very much another one will come up in my price range, will have to look further afield.

grounddown Sat 27-Jul-13 21:24:10

I am so low sad
I'm going to have to stay until I've found somewhere. I hate being a grown up.

Ponyofdoom Sat 27-Jul-13 21:41:59

Just sending my best wishes. Somewhere will come up soon, you do need to get out. My ex used to call me 'f*cking c*nt too' amongst other things, its great not to live with him now! You will be fine x

tribpot Sat 27-Jul-13 21:52:59

Your kids are very little to be worrying about staying within the catchment area of a really great school. You and they have more immediate needs. I do think you need to deal with the problem in front of your face, i.e. getting shot of this complete waste of space, and let tomorrow's problems wait til tomorrow. You deserve to sleep in a bed, for god's sake!

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