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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

DB is an idiot, help me deal with him...

32 replies

delilahbelle · 19/07/2013 09:51

I am fed up with my brother. He's in his late 20s, although currently staying with our parents as he's on a brief stop over from traveling. He is also negative, and rude, and grumpy.
Today's example - I loaned him my car yesterday morning. I had hoped to go to the supermarket in the evening but he didn't bring it back - I had told him previously that I didn't want him to keep it overnight as I like it safely on my drive. (OK, it's only a car, but it's precious to me)

When he did return it this morning he started telling me how rubbish it it, what needs to be fixed, how it's due a service etc etc. I've been running a car for over 10 years. I did politely try to point this out, and also to say I'd never seen the problems he had noticed, at which point he really started talking down to me. Putting on a fake voice pretending to be me, calling me an old woman.

Mumsnet would be proud, I didn't argue, just told him I didn't appreciate him being rude, I would like him to leave, and he could leave the car keys as well as he didn't like it.

He gave me a load of insults and walked off. ARRRGGGGGH.

So, what next? Normally I would do the good (female) thing of smoothing everything over, apologising for my car being rubbish, and giving him the keys again to use it. I really don't feel like it though.

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caramelwaffle · 19/07/2013 09:54

Has he asked to use the car again?

delilahbelle · 19/07/2013 09:57

He asked to use it for the week - I said yes (he's a good driver) providing it stayed at mine overnight - it's a very short walk to my parents.

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ImperialBlether · 19/07/2013 09:58

You really would have apologised for your car? It sounds as though your brother should have been put in his place a long time ago. He's clearly a spoilt brat.

I think there becomes a bit of a problem with someone who's spending their time having fun rather than working. They have the idea "Oh my life is great, no responsibility, your life's so boring..." but then get really pissed off because they have no money, nowhere to live and no car to drive.

ImperialBlether · 19/07/2013 09:58

Time for him to grow up, I think.

delilahbelle · 19/07/2013 09:59

I think I am going to wait and see if he apologises. Unlikely, but then if he wants the car to visit his friends he's going to have to.

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delilahbelle · 19/07/2013 10:02

Agreed Imperial - there has been a lot of digs at me about my home improvement pictures on facebook, the fact me and DH don't go out drinking in the evenings, the fact I have a mortgage/pension etc etc

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HotDAMNlifeisgood · 19/07/2013 10:04

Why are you even considering lending him the car again? Even with an (unlikely) apology, I think he's effectively lost all car privileges with his behaviour.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 19/07/2013 10:07

He sounds unbearably entitled: he's staying at your parents' (rent free I presume), using your car, and on top of that treats you to put-downs about your possessions and lifestyle. Let him fend for himself, he might learn a thing or two. Or find someone else to leech off of, more likely, but at least it's no longer you he'll be sucking dry, and insulting for the privilege of it.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/07/2013 10:08

This one's simple. Don't lend him your 'rubbish' car again, not even if he apologises. He sounds like a spoilt brat... let him go sponge off someone else.

ImperialBlether · 19/07/2013 10:09

Is he insured to use your car? Who pays for that?

Does anyone ever say 'No' to him? Is he the youngest child by any chance?

ImperialBlether · 19/07/2013 10:11

He's in a child like position, living with his mum and dad and having to borrow his sister's car. It doesn't fit with his self image, does it? And now he's behaving like a little child, too.

delilahbelle · 19/07/2013 10:11

HotDAMN I think because we've been conditioned in the family to let him have whatever he wants - he's the youngest and the only boy, my mum waits on him hand and foot, and he can be charming when he asks nicely.

I shall wait and see - a sufficiently grovelling apology (unlikely) and he can borrow the car again.

I think what rankles the most is that he's might be right - my car is old, and no doubt has a few problems I haven't noticed. But it's the only one I have, and having it's faults pointed out to me in detail isn't going to magically make them vanish.

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ImperialBlether · 19/07/2013 10:12

You know what, though? It might be a crap car (sorry, just for the sake of this) but it's a million times better than a NONEXISTENT car!

delilahbelle · 19/07/2013 10:12

I paid for the insurance for him too - I felt it was a nice thing to do, only £20 for the time he's using it for, and I hadn't seen him in ages.

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ImperialBlether · 19/07/2013 10:12

He will wheedle his way into you giving him the keys again, won't he?

caramelwaffle · 19/07/2013 10:13

Ah. So it's not a one off.

He'll keep talking to/and about you like crap if you let him.

I'd be telling him he'll be using Shanks' pony for the rest of the week due the way he spoke to me.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 19/07/2013 10:13

I was going to ask if your parents have a tendency to indulge and placate him.

You are being far too lenient, and letting his words get to you. I understand it has been family tradition to give him his way all the time, but really, delilah, he should not be lent your car again even with an apology.

I am sad to see that you are letting his belittling words get to you. I hope that someday you will be able to shrug them off like the bitter dross that they are.

delilahbelle · 19/07/2013 10:14

Thanks all, you've helped me clarify a few things in my head. Imperial you are right - it is better than a non-existent car

I very much doubt he will apologise (not his style) so I will be keeping hold of the car keys. Now just the pressure from my mum to avoid - she will tell me to be nice to him.

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HotDAMNlifeisgood · 19/07/2013 10:16

"I felt it was a nice thing to do"

You are never going to get just returns for your "niceness" from such a person. He sees it as an open door to just take and take some more from you. He will never appreciate your kindness. He sees it as weakness, and opportunity to sponge off you some more.

Can you see that?

Time to take a harder line. Prepare for your parents to kick off if you do, though: they will not want the boat to be rocked.

ImperialBlether · 19/07/2013 10:21

The way he is at the moment, he's going to have a wife on here some day moaning her head off in AIBU!

delilahbelle · 19/07/2013 10:22

Maybe I should persuade DH we need to go and visit his parents for the weekend... in my car... and I should turn my phone off. :)

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delilahbelle · 19/07/2013 10:24

Imperial I hope for his sake he grows up a bit. He's not actually bad - just self-centered and immature. Unfortunately he's no longer in his teens/early twenties and so it can't be overlooked as easily.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/07/2013 10:24

He's late twenties, not some bit of a kid. Point him towards public transport or a bike shop. Tell him to get a job so he can buy his own car - and while he's at it, give you something towards the petrol and insurance you've already forked out. He's ungrateful and grumpy... I fail to see why you still want to do anything for him

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/07/2013 10:26

" He's not actually bad - just self-centered and immature"

BECAUSE..... everyone overlooked this crap in his teens and early twenties!!! You have collectively created this monster. Stop feeding it.

delilahbelle · 19/07/2013 10:29

Well, I'm off to do my supermarket run now, so he's definitely not getting the car today.

Suprisingly I've just had my mum on the phone telling me to let him stew - he's obviously complained to her and not got anywhere - there is hope :)

Thanks everyone.

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