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So I just found my husband's online dating profile.

(76 Posts)
captainchaos Thu 18-Jul-13 17:08:44

Apparently we've been "very separated for a few years now but not looking to upset the status quo at home yet due to children"

He set the profile up while I was on a work's night out last month, my first in years. This is all such a mess, and I don't want to dripfeed, so I'll try to bullet point it.

* I've suffered with depression for years. Last year my period returned for the first time since having DD (3yo). When that happened, my SSRI's lost their effectiveness and I started suffering from debilitating PMT

*Last year I started a new PT job and became friends with a male colleague who I see for maybe 10 minutes each week. We have a similar sense of humor and started to exchange memes via email.

*About 4 months ago I went to the GP for help with my mood swings. Her solution was to slowly wean me off the last meds and start me on something new. My mood has been increasingly low and irritable throughout, which does make me difficult to live with.

*3 months ago, my "email friend" had a depressive episode, and so I increased email contact to help cheer him up.

*Last month I started my new meds and also attended my first work's night out in years. That same evening, my husband set up his online dating profile.

*During the work's night out, it was the first time I'd actually had any real time to chat with this colleague. I realized I was pretty strongly attracted to him, and kind of freaked out about it.

*The new meds triggered 10 days of insomnia and coupled with my strange feelings for colleague I've pretty much had a breakdown. Feeling like both colleague and I were vulnerable, I told him I was feeling too strongly in his presence and wasn't comfortable seeing him in person.

*Husband read my email, and was not pleased. I responded that the silly emails were helping me stay afloat and that I didn't intend to stop the friendship.

*I made colleague aware that emails were being read by my husband, and carried on emailing/texting jokes and support.

*Last night I felt awful and irritable and was cross with my husband, which made him really unhappy. He said something cryptic that made me think. So today, I figured turn about was fair play and logged into his email. There I discovered he's created profiles on POF and Friends With Benefits. I told him I knew, and he says it's my fault because I was texting my colleague, and said I had feelings for him.

I don't even know why I'm waffling on here. It's over, isn't it? Neither of us trust the other, and we're both making each other so unhappy. What do I do now?

*Continued

captainchaos Thu 18-Jul-13 17:13:14

I am a fairly regular, under a changed name, btw. I was around for TSC's minge, etc.

Jan45 Thu 18-Jul-13 17:16:11

It's only over if you or he wants it to be. I know loads of friends who hav been in similar situations and they're still together, the bloody internet has a lot to answer for. It sounds like your OH has done this out of revenge rather than a calculated decision, what do you think?

I'm shocked at his response to you though, he doesn't seem to care that you know, is there a lot of resentment between the two of you?

Only you and him know if this is worth working out.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Thu 18-Jul-13 17:16:55

I think you've answered your own question OP, sorry.

Will an amicable separation be possible do you think?

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Thu 18-Jul-13 17:17:38

Sorry you are having such a difficult time.

I would definitely say the relationship seems to have come to an end.

Are you having any counseling?

WipsGlitter Thu 18-Jul-13 17:22:37

It sounds like neither of you is in a good place. Aside from your health problems how were things between you and your husband? Do you feel you were living separate lives?

I do believe men and women can be friends but it sounds as if you crossed a boundary with this colleague. I get on really well with my male boss but have no contact with him outside of work.

What's a meme?

captainchaos Thu 18-Jul-13 17:23:29

No counselling yet, but I think I need to be. Things have been bad between us since DD2 was born. He gives up smoking and then comes home and loses his temper with everyone, which I find really difficult. When I was in labour with DD2, he lost his temper and screamed at me that I was a poisonous bitch, had ruined his life, etc. But then when he starts smoking again he just forgets. So I've put barriers up because after that night, I felt I could never fully trust him.

It's just that when he's not like that, I really do love and respect him. But he hates everything I do. I'm not tidy enough, I got too fat, I spend too much time on mumsnet. And when I'm low in mood, I do cut myself off from everyone else.

But he's finally warmed to being a father and loves the girls--and just when things are starting to work out... all this.

sodeveryone Thu 18-Jul-13 17:23:40

I reckon with therapy you could work out what a possible good solution would be, without having to end it.

It may bring both of you to a place of understanding if therapy beats a path for you to both explain to each other about how various things have made you feel.

I had a debilitating illness in a past relationship and that chronic illness thing affects the other person too. Resentment builds up, weakness creeps in, they feel lacking in attention or like they're not living properly etc.

You seem to have lost communication somewhere along the way.

The key thing here is that neither of you - yet - have cheated. am I right?

captainchaos Thu 18-Jul-13 17:24:42

And I know I was wrong to tell my colleague I was getting emotionally attached to him. It just felt so nice to chat to somebody who doesn't think I'm shit.

captainchaos Thu 18-Jul-13 17:25:47

No, neither of us have cheated. But I'm as gutted about losing the friendship as anything.

CajaDeLaMemoria Thu 18-Jul-13 17:28:06

Who would choose, if it was a straight choice right now?

Your DH, or your work colleague?

captainchaos Thu 18-Jul-13 17:29:44

I do kind of feel like we've been living seperate lives. I co-slept with the girls, so we don't often share a bed. We haven't been out on a date since our 5.5yo dd was born. But while I've made new mum friends and get to chat over playdates, he's pretty much abandoned all his friendships and hobbies. So he never goes out, does anything different, and it feels claustrophobic.

And whenever I find some new coping mechanism, (mumsnet, a friendship, etc.) he finds fault with it. It's like if HE can't make me happy then nothing should.

Jan45 Thu 18-Jul-13 17:30:24

Well said sodeveryone, I am so sick of reading replies that say, get rid, pack a bag, I'd be long gone......

I'd also like to think that nobody comes on here and actually takes on board what strangers are telling them and instead, refers to their own judgement and their friends etc for advice and support.

Anything advised on here should be taken with a pinch of salt; if you haven't had the same experience then you really don't know what you would do when faced with it.

By all means use it as a sounding board and a place to vent but really that is all this is.

LEMisdisappointed Thu 18-Jul-13 17:31:07

"It just felt so nice to chat to someone who doesn't think im shit"

Sweetheart, that says it all really sad

captainchaos Thu 18-Jul-13 17:31:24

Honestly? Right now, I think I'd live alone with the kids. But that's not to say I wouldn't eventually like to see more of the work colleague, but I really don't even know him well enough to say right now.

bigstrongmama Thu 18-Jul-13 17:38:04

I think that if you think he thinks you are shit... it's over.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 18-Jul-13 17:38:54

You sound like one of those couples that, living separately, would be far happier than living together. You seem to bring out the worst in each other. Declaring feelings to a work colleague is infidelity and you have to accept that of course he'd be hacked off finding this out. Him signing up to a dating site is equally unpleasant. Two wrongs don't make a right etc.

I think you need to have an honest conversation about the future. If there's anything worth salvaging, agree to make a serious effort to salvage it together. If it's over, part as intelligently and compassionately as you can for the sake of your children

Twinklestein Thu 18-Jul-13 17:40:36

Only you can know but from what you've said it doesn't sound as if your marriage is unsalvageable if that's what you (both) want.

It must have been a kick in the guts for your husband to read that email to your work friend.

On the other hand if my h shouted at me like that in labour he would now be ball-less.

May I suggest you don't let your GP prescribe your anti-depressants, but ask to be referred to a psychiatrist. GPs have minimal mental health training & psychiatrists are specialists and know the drugs much better. Particularly as your depression involves mood swings & PMT.

captainchaos Thu 18-Jul-13 17:47:45

Oh, I accept that telling my colleague crossed the line into EA territory. His dating profile was set up before that happened, but that doesn't make it right.

He does often think I'm shit, and isn't shy about telling me. To be honest, I nearly left before I ever said anything to the work colleague. A month ago he quit smoking and lost his temper really badly in front of DD2. He screamed at her because she was putting the wrong amount of cereal into her bowl, and she was devastated. I intervened and picked her up and he went nuts, F-ing and blinding at me. I had to go to work late because I didn't feel comfortable leaving the girls with him, and when I got them to the childminder, DD2 was crying that she didn't want to go home with daddy. I was crying so hard that the CM had to mop both of us up, and I cut work short so I could collect them. But by the end of the day it was like nothing had happened.

captainchaos Thu 18-Jul-13 17:49:40

I also wonder whether the reason I got attached to the work mate in the first place is because I was depressed and vulnerable...

It's such a clusterfuck.

Twinklestein Thu 18-Jul-13 17:54:02

Do people really think other people are shit? Or do they think they are shit themselves & project it onto others...?

When people are negative they tend to find fault with others...

I'm not convinced that you're the shit one here...

I don't know your history, do you want it to be over?

ginslinger Thu 18-Jul-13 17:55:44

I think that it would be helpful for you both to find a place that you can talk and that might have to be with a counsellor, Relate etc. Give talking a chance just to see where it takes you. Whatever happens you and your DH have to talk at some point because you have children so maybe it would help to talk about your relationship first. It's been a struggle for you all.

captainchaos Thu 18-Jul-13 17:56:46

I'm scared of it being over. I feel like I sold him a dream of a loving family that I haven't been able to provide, and that I've failed him.

But I'm also hurt and angry about so many things over the years.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Thu 18-Jul-13 17:57:37

A lot of things you are saying that he does/says to you are very similar to what my Ex (note the Ex bit) used to say to me.

Now I'm not saying that breaking up and being a single parent was easy, but what I will tell you is that I am much much happier.

When I was with him I felt like I was loosing my mind. I thought for sure I was headed for psychiatric sectioning.

Now I feel much better. I don't have suicidal thoughts anymore and I don't feel the constant impending doom I used to.

ginslinger Thu 18-Jul-13 18:03:19

providing a loving family isn't just down to you. You are not solely responsible for that. You need to talk about the things you are hurt and angry about

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