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EA - why can't I let go?

(7 Posts)
QwertyQueen Thu 18-Jul-13 14:39:32

Here goes...
In an emotionally abusive relationship. ~DH announced he wanted to leave me on mother's day. Moved out a week later. 1 week after that shagged a girl from his office. Has apologized for hurting me but not for what he has done. Wants a divorce. 7 weeks on and although over the devastated and panicking stage I am not where I want to be.
Why the hell am I struggling to let go???
I am hanging onto this "perfect family" fantasy.... we often were the perfect family, but then he would explode about something or other and everything would come tumbling down.
I know denial is a form of self preservation when you are in an abusive relationship but this is ridiculous.
He still gets to me, and I still think maybe oneday we can work things out because he has finally sought medical help and is on mood stabilizers and going to therapy.
I hate that I am feeling this way instead of thinking "fuck you you fucking fuck!!!"
<rant over>

likeabonnet Thu 18-Jul-13 14:45:51

Hang onto that "fuck you you fucking fuck" feeling if you can.

I don't know how to advise you to do that. It's hard. It took me 4 years to leave my abusive relationship but now, a year on, I am so so so happy.

That "perfect family" dream is definitely a hard one to fight....but it also doesn't exist.

Be kind to yourself - 7 weeks is nothing

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 18-Jul-13 14:48:36

Emotional abuse works because you're drawn in thinking that if you were just a bit better, a bit more 'X' and a bit less 'Y'... maybe he'd start treating you nicely all the time instead of just some of the time. So your whole mindset is geared towards pleasing someone who is unreasonable... misplaced hope & optimism

Now that he has screwed around and wants a divorce, nothing's actually changed from your perspective. He's still the same person, still being unreasonable and you're still thinking things could be better. It's a tough habit to break so don't be too hard on yourself for not being able to switch off everything you've spent years hoping for.

Good luck... (and keep ranting)

Jan45 Thu 18-Jul-13 15:34:17

Because you feel you have no control, he's been calling the shots but now you are free to meet a man who will love you for you, he's never been the one. There is no perfect family but there is relationships where you respect each other, you'll find that once you have moved on but it will take time to get over this so be kind to yourself - in a few months time you'll realise he's done you the favour.

It's very frustrating when you want things to go a certain way and they appear to be in utter chaos but honestly, give it time and you will see.

EBearhug Thu 18-Jul-13 16:17:18

7 weeks is very little time, and he'd probably spent some time beforehand thinking about it before doing it, and giving you no control in it, so he's bound to be way ahead in moving on, as it's nothing like as much as a shock as it is for you.

Time is a weird and elastic thing - sometimes it'll feel like yesterday, and then a couple of hours later, it might be like it was a year ago. The shock will get less, and the anger will get more, and you will get past it, but be kind to yourself.

QwertyQueen Fri 19-Jul-13 13:37:27

thanks for the replies...
Your reply, Cogito, about misplaced hope & optimism sums me up pretty well.
I am an eternal optimist
ho hum.

Absolutelylost Fri 19-Jul-13 16:54:44

Have a google for 'traumatic bonding'. Interesting!

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