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SAHMs (preferably new mums) How much does your partner do?

(35 Posts)
newmumsuchfun Thu 18-Jul-13 11:55:37

If you are a SAHM and your partner/husband works. How much do they do when it comes to your child / the household?

Dahlialover Thu 18-Jul-13 12:10:58

I had a few of them! It was me when he was at work and 50:50 when he was home. We did shopping together, or if I had to go into town for clothes etc, he stayed home with them.

Later, with playgroup, I did shopping on my own and most of the every day cleaning.

perfectstorm Thu 18-Jul-13 12:14:26

The first year, sod all. Since then his days home are devoted to childcare, though not housework at all. Which tbh seems fair as he works long hours. My priority is that he spends a lot of time being a dad and they have a strong relationship.

MaryKatharine Thu 18-Jul-13 12:18:15

I work p/t now but have been a sahm for many years. Why DH was at work I'd do washing and light keep on top of it type house work such as loading dishwasher and hoovering. I'd cook dcs meal then we'd take turns to cook for us later as we were both knackered. At weekends it was all shared both housework and dcs.

Now I should say that when they were not so little I did a bit more and when they were very new (first 3mths say) DH did pretty much everything. All I did was bf. and do lunches for the older ones. He'd do all housework at the beginning. We've had 4 kids and it's been a similar pattern each time.

mindalina Thu 18-Jul-13 12:20:24

pretty much all of it tbh. baby is five months now so gradually becoming less of a clingy horror and I'm usually able to do washing up, bit of laundry and maybe a quick tidy round during the day. he still does everything else. he does work part-time though so usually home by threeish.

threecupsoftea Thu 18-Jul-13 12:22:38

With DS1, DH worked away a lot, so most of the day to day childcare and housework fell to me. We got a cleaner, which helped, and I had a p/t nursery place once he was a year old which gave me some space. When DH was at home, he'd take over fully though, and would do all the childcare when not at work.

With DS2, he is a lot more hands on as he is around more. He did all the night wakings, and I go on a course two evenings a week - one evening he stays in with them, and the other we have a sitter.

CockyFox Thu 18-Jul-13 12:25:49

Not a new mum anymore but I have always done all the housework,shopping and child care ( including all getting up in the night feeds and nappies when they were babies).

Dh mows the lawn, washes the car, and helps at bath time.

Now the children are a bit older he stays with them while I go out to OU tutorials and the gym.

Suits us but wouldn't suit everyone.

newmumsuchfun Thu 18-Jul-13 12:26:29

My partner works 9-5 5 days a week office job. Our baby is 5 months old. I do everything. I do all housework, all cooking, all washing, I even take the bins out as he has stopped doing that. I look after the baby 24 hours a day. Nothing changes at the weekend because that is his time off.
He does the cat litter tray. that is it.
Is that normal?

LifeIsSoDifferent Thu 18-Jul-13 12:30:08

My DD is 9m and I've always been a SAHM when I was with DDs dad he done nothing. Not one ounce . He didn't lift a finger in the house unless it was a folk to his mouth, didn't put dirty plates in the sink, rubbish in the bin, dirty clothes in the basket and he didn't do alot with DD either. He would play for 20min / 30min but that's it. Didn't do nappies, food, night feeds or anything

Dackyduddles Thu 18-Jul-13 12:35:03

Op it's sort of normal. By that quite a lot of new mums ask this question on here, so it's normal a bit. Then they get lots of responses back where it appears more shared. I think it's normal for a short time then once the baby isn't new things sort of go back a bit to how they were before they arrived.

I think it's also that some women talk about it with partners. I didn't first time but sure did second!

WipsGlitter Thu 18-Jul-13 12:39:20

No that is not normal. But from threads on here a lot if men seem to think being at home absolves them of all responsibility.

My advice. At the weekend just go out and leave the baby with him. Tell him to do the bins - don't do it yourself. Think what you want him to do and get him to do it. If you're going back to work after mat leave you don't want things to have gone so far that you're still doing it all.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 18-Jul-13 12:47:00

What other people do is fairly unimportant. What is important is what you think is fair. Some people are quite happy doing everything around the house... you are clearly not one of those people and you sound like you feel he's taking the piss and that you're being taken for granted. So decide how you want your household to run and, if his current attitude is hacking you off, take steps to nip it in the bud.

BabyStone Thu 18-Jul-13 12:56:44

First time mum, DS is 4months so im on mat leave and DP works full time and it's shift work so no real routine/pattern but I do all the house work now, prepare and make dinner unless iv already started feeding baby then DP will cook dinner

He pays the rent and all the bills, I give him money each month to go towards rent/bills and we go shopping together and normally go halves on food shopping (DP will pay a bit extra if he's bought anything extra such as clothes or a blu ray) He pays for most things when we go out.

I get up in the night and first thing in the morning with DS, once DP is up he will hold/entertain/feed/change DS til he has to get ready and leave for work.When he gets home from work, he will feed/change/play/help get him off to sleep

He normally has DS in the bath with him and I will go and take him out after a while to get him dressed and DP can wash or vice versa

Either one of us will sort out the bins (normally forget)

He is very hands on and often says "you see him all day, im home now so i want to enjoy him whilst i can". But then there are times when he is stressed from work, tired etc so then I do most things

BabyStone Thu 18-Jul-13 13:03:44

Sorry x post, every couple is different. And I agree with some aspects of what Cogito has said. What other people do isn't really important. And some people love doing all the work, others don't. If I feel DP isn't pulling his weight, I give him an ear full and don't care if I sound like a nagging old house wife!

perfectstorm Thu 18-Jul-13 13:13:33

What you describe was how things were weekdays. Weekends, my huband shared the childcare 50/50 and did a little housework as well. My rage was when he came home and did nothing because he said he was tired - this from a guy who did no nights with DS whatsoever that first year - our marriage was under serious strain.

These days, he leaves the house at 7 some days and isn't home till 11. It would be unreasonable to expect anything but sleep for him those days. When he has days off, he gets up with DS, plays with him, feeds him, loads dishwasher and washing machine. He does no other housework but the fact is, he is almost wholly in charge of DS those days so that doesn't bother me.

A guy who expects to work 35 hours a week while you work 175 is taking the godwaful and almighty piss. My husband works 60 some weeks and still does more than yours. And frankly, that first year, which I still resent, he did more.

I may add that I don't even know what days are bin days. My husband has done that since we were married. And for the father of a 5 month old to expect to have weekends off when you have been 24/5 in the week is totally disgusting, IMO. When exactly do you get a break? He at least has a lunch hour, as I pointed out to my husband when demanding a 5-/5- weekend split.

I will say though, that even now, when things are so much better, he still looks on my time with DS as available for me to sort all kinds of other things, because I'm not at work - while his time with DS is hard work and necessarily means he can't possibly do anything else. I think that's common with the women I know's partners after babies arrive. Gender roles sharply emerge in even previously egalitarian relationships.

newmumsuchfun Thu 18-Jul-13 13:14:56

Week days I feel fine about our arrangement as he is working and i can understand he needs his sleep and works hard all day. FINE.

What i have a problem with is the weekends.. When he will continue to do nothing at all BECAUSE it is his time off. Even if he has 3 days off. Nothing. No house work. Nothing. Sleeps in very very late and sometimes naps late afternoon. And not much with the baby. I am up at 5 or 6am every day. I never ever get a day off.

Ragwort Thu 18-Jul-13 13:20:00

I agree that you need to find a balance that suits You and your situation not worry about what everyone else does.

I have been a SAHM ever since I had my DS (& actually for various reasons I wasn't in paid employment for about a year before that) - I tend to do most of the housework - it takes me less than 30 mins a day; cooking takes another 30 or so minutes. I get plently of breaks away from my DS and always have done since he was born, DH loves having time to himself with DS.

I personally believe I have a much, much easier lifestyle than my DH - today I am lazing about it the garden most of the time smile. Even when my DS was a baby I still felt I had a really easy time however, I am not you, you need to decide what you feel is 'fair and equitable'.

My DH has never been the sort of person to leave dirty washing on the floor or 'expect' his shirts to be ironed etc. I expect I would think differently if he was that sort of man.

Ragwort Thu 18-Jul-13 13:22:46

Just read your post at 13.14 - it does sound as though your DH is not being at all supportive, does he not enjoy spending time with the baby? What happens if you want to go out on your own and leave the baby with him?

Thinking back to when my DS was born my DH just loved spending time with him, we are both early risers but even so DH would get DS up, take him out for a walk, play with him etc etc.

perfectstorm Thu 18-Jul-13 13:25:28

Yeah, I felt the same and became angry and demanded an equal time split at weekends. The thing is, he could have been fired if getting up at nights meant he was too tired to function properly. That was just how it was. But at the weekends, for him to lie in when I'd had no sleep all week either maddened me - he wasn't the one who was truly exhausted. When I broke down what I actually had to do with DS and made him spend a weekend with me watching as I did it he did actually agree to split the time. It made a big difference - just having the sleep those two days to recover for the week ahead. He never did more around the house than hoovering, laundry and dishwasher, but that's something I could deal with. The attitude that he had a right to lie in bed sleeping while I worked harder than he had in the week enraged me.

Honestly, I think the first year can be awful on a lot of marriages, and a lot of guys seem to engage more with the kids when they start walking/talking. I do think you need to sort it now, though. Or you'll start a system for life.

MaryKatharine Thu 18-Jul-13 13:27:21

When do you get time off then? Regardless of all the permutations suggested on here, you doing everything at the w/e as its his time off is ridiculous and not at all acceptable. I feel for you; you must be exhausted!

perfectstorm Thu 18-Jul-13 13:31:15

Should add that DS was tongue-tied, reflux/colic (the refluc meant he threw up whole feeds and needed constant changing - a dribble bib couldn't stem that tide, he'd be soaked to crotch and through nappy!) and by the time we established he'd never breastfeed he was refusing formula, so I had to express, as well as steriilise a ton of bottles. He was also a two hourly feeder until 4 months and then a 4 hourly till 9 months. After that he wouldn't sleep till 11 pm and woke up at 5 or so till 18 months, too.

I was on my knees even with half the weekends off. Without them, I honestly don't know how I would have coped. I know women do manage, but really, why should one with another parent in the home have to?

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 18-Jul-13 13:31:36

My suggestion would be to find some regular weekend activity that you go off and do. Even if it's just meeting a friend in town for coffee. Leave the baby with dad for a few hours and tell him to tidy up, start dinner or put some washing on while you're out. I've noticed some men use excuses like they 'don't know what to do' or 'she does it better than me' or 'the baby won't settle for me'. This knocks those neatly on the head. Any bleating about his weekend being interrupted then maybe he's just not the type that deserves a family

Helspopje Thu 18-Jul-13 13:32:31

home in time to wave clean pajama'd kids to bed
(and to attempt to console weeping, overcooked wife)

Dackyduddles Thu 18-Jul-13 13:40:38

Op re 1314 post. Blimey that sounds familiar. Some weeks here better than others. It's fluid. I am mum though 24/7 where dad appears to be dad and (his name) so finds changing hats hard. I do wonder if stay at home dads get issues too with wives not giving up /allowing stuff to go out of their control. I'm unsure if gender or control issues....?

I don't understand the men who need 'time off' at weekends when their DP/DW isn't allowed the same. Either looking after a baby is work - in which case the SAHP is entitled to time off. Or it isn't work - in which case the WOHP should pitch in on weekends!

FWIW, DD (PFB) is 10 months old. DH has stressful long hours (7.30 - 6pm), but works from home 2/3 days a week. I do all nights, daily tidying, and the 'big clean' (dusting, mopping and so on) in the week. DH does 50% bedtimes. He cooks the evening meal, cleans up afterwards, stacks the dishwasher and puts it on. (At weekends we share lunch/breakfast duties). I do nearly all the ironing (but don't iron other than DH work shirts so not much) I do washing - he might put wash on at the weekends. We share bed stripping/remaking at weekends. DH runs the hoover around and tidies on a Sunday. DH does all bins/recycling - cat litter - DIY - gardening. At weekends DH takes DD swimming (sometimes I go too if I'm not having a lie in), comes to the park with us or into town and so on. We share nappy duty on weekends! I think that's everything. That's how it's been from the start.

If you don't think it's right - then it isn't. Work out equal free time for you both and go from there.

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