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How to be objective regarding money in (second) marriage

(111 Posts)
Interestingchanges Thu 18-Jul-13 10:31:24

Inspired by another thread on spending, I'd like to ask mns how they deal with the slightly trickier situation of being married second time round, with each having dc from former relationship.

Dh has 2 dc and I have 1, relatively similar ages, from resident (ds), 50:50 (dss) to regular contact (dsd).
Dh earns considerably more than me and contributes slightly more to common pot (own accounts), mostly though because he and his consume more (food, water, electricity, ...) then me and mine.

I think I wouldn't be asking if I hadn't made an error in judgement and bought a house with dh. We should have talked about the implications before but as we came upon a good opportunity we saw it as fate and jumped in!

As I used my savings and dh is paying back loan to (my) family member over very extended period, my present will sees ds as beneficiary, dh has however right to live there till he dies and house cannot be sold from under him (drawn up by solicitor who also cuts me out of any dh inheritance (which from gps will probably be considerable, which will go straight to his kids).

Please flame me if I'm being a selfish bitch, btw.

Dh has full knowledge of my finances, I have no secrets (and hes nosey) and always pay my half of things. But I feel he's being really petty by denying me insight into his finances, although its clear I don't want to take anything! I realize he got burned at divorce, but I can't help feeling insulted and marginalized. I looked after myself and ds as lone parent for years and am seriously great at budgeting/ saving etc.

I'd welcome any thoughts on this, particularly if experienced in the matter and somehow found right balance?
Many thanks

Interestingchanges Fri 26-Jul-13 14:50:28

Hi twinkle,
I've known my solicitor for years (he wrote my airtight prenup for first time round...) and he was most circumspect and polite but also clearly saying dh is an a*se for treating me like this. He probably sees me as attracting total douchbags but will kindly continue to protect my interests...
The payoff should be decided between ourselves primarily but based on initial house cost (without improvements) share/ amount on loan paid back.
Grounds? My point exactly! I asked for first divorce but had to legally shoulder half the blame, dh1 insisted on this even though both of us could have left it as irreconcilable differences... Probably same if I go through with it (don't want to yet, though).
I guaranteed my dsis loan so I would pay her back whatever happens.
Have thought to ask dh to repay loan for him, but feel that would put him out, as it would be MY home then, not OURS. And no doubt he'd sulk then too... Still its an option I'd be willing to go for.

missbopeep Fri 26-Jul-13 15:29:18

Glad you have seen a legal bod.
Bit confused by your final point here

Have thought to ask dh to repay loan for him, [ who??] but feel that would put him out, as it would be MY home then, not OURS. And no doubt he'd sulk then too... Still its an option I'd be willing to go for

.....the house would be yours? I thought it was already?
If you are divorcing does it matter if he sulks? sorry but this bit has lost me! I thought he was already repaying the loan out of his own income?

I thought- but correct me- that even if you reside somewhere else in the EU you can start your divorce in the UK under UK law- and I have been told by a close friend whose DH lives in the EU ( she doesn't- he commutes) that UK law favours wives much better than some EU countries. She actually petitioned against him to be protected by UK law than wait for him to divorce her possibly from his EU base.

In the UK I'd have thought that hiding/ not disclosing earnings and other examples of his behaviour ( being mean, expecting sexual favours after a night out etc.) could be classed as unreasonable behaviour and grounds for divorce.

Have you yet reached a stage where you have decided whether you are still trying to mend this marriage, or are you now looking at shutting it down and getting out?

If it's the first, what does he need to do for you to think it's worth your while sticking with him?

missbopeep Fri 26-Jul-13 15:31:03

p.s. I don't know why you had to shoulder half the blame for your first divorce- but surely now most divorces are 'blameless'?

missbopeep Fri 26-Jul-13 17:08:11

Having er-read this, I think I now understand.

Have thought to ask dh to repay loan for him

You meant that you might ask your DH if you can take over the loan from your sister ( to him) and repay it on his behalf? Then the house would be yours.

But would it? In the UK if a couple divorce the home would not go 100% to one party simply because one of them had put more ££ into the property. The assets would be shared on need at the time ( home for kids etc) and the current and future income of each party which would enable them to start again.

But more to the point, why would you even want to be responsible for paying back his loan ? Do you mean at the point of divorce, or now?
Neither makes much sense to me as an option but forgive me if I'm being thick.

Interestingchanges Fri 26-Jul-13 21:21:51

I was just musing really, don't really earn that much to afford house/upkeep/ and pay back loan myself.
I'm always hoping for the quiet life, but realize that simply "owning" more than half the house would not solve my difficulties.
Even if he agreed, I'd still need him to pay towards utilities/ rent, and how would we fix that amount?!?

Divorce isn't seriously on the cards yet, but having a chat on the legalities if it would come to that did put my mind at ease.

What do i want/ need from him to make me want to stay? Honesty. In all things, but more important than money, I want to know what makes him act the way he does.
I've gained buckets of self confidence recently due to several ventures into "self improvement" (sports and driving again after 20 years) and I realize that as these progress I'm less anxious, more patient at letting things develop. And being more concerned now with me, I can detach a bit and see dh differently. Not so much through rose tinted glasses though, more like getting a clear view of the man I married.
We had a pleasant chat just now and he thanked me for not pushing him (job wise, he is competent and successful but not a careerist) because then he would not do it just to spite me. I'm not condoning what he said, it just proves to me that his thinking is skewered and I'm glad he can listen to himself saying such rubbish and may in time (when I hit him over the head with a Lundy Bancroft book, figuratively speaking of course) see how ridiculous he sounds.
Atm i want to get a clear picture, confront him with it and ask him to accept and change. If he matures enough to do that I'll be happy, if not ill draw the consequences.
But at least I ll be able to offer a post on how I discussed Bancroft with dh and the result I got (actually think there's one on here already).
Thanks again for all your time and interest, especially Missbopeep as you hung in there the longest, it is much appreciated.
I'm grateful to know there's someone out there that has been there and is willing to share their experience or advise the obvious that has become obscured, thanks

missbopeep Fri 26-Jul-13 21:42:31

pleasure smile
Sounds like you are making some progress even if it's simply just seeing him more clearly.

Great stuff about your new found confidence- that's a win-win thing whatever happens.

The comment about career/ you not pushing/otherwise he'd not do it, is classic teenage behaviour . No? Are the DCs teens yet? If they are you must recognise this! ie whatever mum or dad wants me to do, I'm going to do the opposite. ( even if I'm cutting my nose off blah blah in the process.)

You have to ask if you are a bit of a 'fixer' and a control freak too- because I recognise you from someone in RL - a good friend- who has spent years and years trying to fix her DH, and she admits it's all about control (hers) and getting what she wants , and not giving up.

On the one hand that's good but on the other......sometimes we have to recognise when it's time to call things a day.

When you said you are a 'mad and incurable optimist' maybe you could examine those words more carefully. Is it optimism or fear of change? Fear of failure? Fear of not being able to control a situation ? Is it optimism or a failure to live with the realities of life? Only you know.

Keep thinking.......

fabulousfoxgloves Fri 26-Jul-13 22:00:53

The obvious advice is that you cannot change a person, and you cannot influence their behaviour. How old is he? The man you are looking at is the man you have got, and will have in the future.

missbopeep Fri 26-Jul-13 22:46:28

Yes, agree it would help to know ages- he sounds 20s but assume with some older DCs he must be mid 40s or more and you too?

Interestingchanges Sat 27-Jul-13 13:24:25

We are both 47, have teen kids, and yes I'm used to that kind of behaviour, its just unexpected at 40+...
Little incident while shopping this morning, rather insulting "joke" made by dh, I ignored it, he immediately apologised for being rude and said he didn't mean it. I looked at him with what I hoped was a cross between pity and neutral and said I ignore those comments now and don't take them personally as I see he obviously can't help making such comments, I.e. he's somehow afflicted.
He was gobsmacked, like any naughty teen who had tried to shock you and couldn't.
Has been on extra good behaviour since. If I see retaliation I will point it out too. Have actually already done once before I now recall...
There is of course the possibility that I'm a hard headed woman, and I'd agree to the extent I like a peaceful life and want to create the atmosphere which makes this possible. That may indeed be controlling, and so I take responsibility for that, but also claim the credit for continually improving our home life so that dsc also comment on how welcoming our home is, so again, win win all,round.
I don't think I could be so selfish to only have things suit me, I feel guilty instantly when I do. And when I feel good about something I really love to share that too.

missbopeep Sat 27-Jul-13 16:10:16

Well, that was a good move! Changing your behaviour is the only way he will change his. You cannot make him change or become a different man.

Creating a nice home is not being controlling. But creating a home for step children to thrive in ( as well as your own) at the expense of your own happiness is wrong, as is propping up an emotionally retarded man in the hope he will 'come good'.

I just feel you have taken on this man as a project- and your goal is to remedy everything that is amiss with his psyche.

That's not what a marriage should be, IMO.

Everything you have said about his behaviour points to a man who has issues and remains immature in some ways.

Are you hanging in there for yourself, for the kids, or because this is marriage no. 2? Because it seems such bloody hard work, and all coming from you.

zipzap Sat 27-Jul-13 18:11:40

I think if I was in this situation I would be getting my sis to get the lawyer to tie down that he is going to repay the loan, sort out the interest rate that he is paying her and also I would put in the facility for him to be paying her back chunks of his bonus when he gets bonus payments from work...

At the moment it doesn't matter to him if he pays back or not as he knows you are guaranteeing the loan despite earning less than him.

On the other hand, glad to hear that you have managed to shock him by not letting his nasty comments have any power over you - long may it continue!

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