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Can't voice my opinion/concerns without him taking the piss & disrespecting me

(96 Posts)
ArthursWhiteHair Wed 17-Jul-13 23:40:14

I've always been very, very careful with money. I like to live by a budget, save up for nice things and have a safety net in the bank. Since living with DP (and it's only been a few months) we seem to constantly live in an overdraft.

A few times I've calmly said to him that I feel we should make more of an effort to budget properly. He dismisses this and says we don't buy luxuries as it is but we do! £20-£30 every weekend on cinema and days outs, we do "a shop" around twice a week and spend over £70 each time when we originally budgeted for £50 a week on groceries. He's constantly buying stuff off ebay - he just seems to spend without really worrying about where it comes from. But anyway he agreed we'd make more of an effort.

So last week I notice that the bank is £-150. A few days later it's £-200 and then at the start of this week it's £-300. I voice my concerns and he says stuff like "tell you what, lets not eat for a month" with a smirk on his face. Yesterday the bank was sat at £-500 and I tell DP I'm becoming very concerned about the increasing over draft. He tells me we can't cut back anymore than we do and I'm being unrealistic. Today the account was at £-630.

So later in the day he's making sarcastic comments such as "hang on, let me consult my financial advisor about this purchase" or "I was going to buy a drink earlier but didn't want to cause a financial collapse so went without." He makes out he's just playing around but I feel he's totally disregarding my concerns. We're not on bad money, he earns over £30k a year and I earn over £20k a year - when we wrote out a budget we worked out we'd have almost £200 spare a week after groceries etc yet we seem to just dig deeper and deeper into the overdraft. I don't understand.

Tonight I just wanted to talk to him about it and express my concerns, see if we can work out where we're going wrong and see if we can come up with a solution. He sat there giggling and smirking at me whilst I was talking and then said stuff like "ooo welcome to the adult world of relationships and mortgages and cars and bills - " err I'm 32, I've lived with "adult finances" since I was 17. He even said "if this isn't the kind of life you want, you should just say" - in other words, fuck off if you're not happy? So sensing that he was not taking me seriously I started to tell him about WHY I was so anal about money and budgeting. The conversation went like this:

"I just want to explain to you why it means so much to me, I had a bad experience when I was younger and ... "

he butted in with "look you're just over talking it, no point in going on about it."

FFS i was about to tell him something important about my past! how fucking rude. I told him he was out of order to cut me off like that so he said "ok ok, tell me what happened back when you were a child." in a mocking voice. (what happened was my ex and I got into a shit load of debt, all of it in my name and then he fucked off and it took me years to pay it back. I worked my arse off to do it but I did it and always swore I'd never get into debt again - but he never got to hear this story).

I've never been in debt since and I'm struggling with it and finding that I have no voice because if I bring it up I get laughed at or accussed of being a nazi with money. He's not interested in WHY I'm so concerned.

Another thing is that I went for a job interview last week. It was a horrible day, my beloved guinea pig died and I found him just before I had to set off for my interview. Made a twat of myself in the interview but somehow - I got the job. DP does not seem interested at all, hasn't really congratulated me (well he has but vaguely) and when a mutual friend told him to take me out to celebrate he said "yeah I will" - we were supposed to be going out tomorrow night and he's already trying to get out of it. We won't end up going unless I really push for it but why bother? if he doesn't want to celebrate why push it? where is the fun in forcing someone to celebrate with you?

This current guy is really another version of your ex who financially screwed you into the ground.

It goes without saying that you need to be rid of this current waste of space but you need to look at your own behaviour in this as well. You have also allowed it to get to this sorry stage. Why did you choose so badly again?. He's the same type of waster.

This is not a relationship of equals at all; this sounds more like entitled manchild with you taking on the parental role.

Madratlady Thu 18-Jul-13 09:45:23

My dh it terrible with money. We are both contributing to a large debt he's been paying off for years. I am happy to help him clear it so we can start looking forward and saving.

Thing is, unlike your 'd'p he acknowledges his inability to manage money, so I do all our budgeting and he asks me about all spends other than essentials like petrol, over a few pounds. He suggested this system. It works for us.

Your dp also sounds horribly rude and condescending. You deserve much better than someone with such little respect for you.

MrsDeVere Thu 18-Jul-13 09:54:39

You have had loads of good advice.
So all I can add is that is a lot of money to go through in a week!
WTF is he spending it on. He has gone through a month's money (for a lot of families) in a week.
And he just keeps on going.

pictish Thu 18-Jul-13 10:03:55

Here's what to do.

Go about getting seperate accounts immediately. Keep things simple. You look after your money, and he does the same.

When you inform him of what you have done (because you're off to do it today I hope) you tell him exactly why.

"I tried to raise some very real concerns I have regarding money, with you, but you took the piss out of me...so I have decided to protect myself. You gaily piss money up against the wall, then treat me like an idiot for having an opinion about it. Well...I've been there before, and like fuck am I going there again! Suck it up."

His reaction is all. If he is embarrassed, remorseful and contrite then maybe he's just an idiot.
If he kicks off, then you have a deeper problem to worry about, and I'd be advising you to write off this guy as a long term option.

NicknameTaken Thu 18-Jul-13 10:28:09

LTB. I agree with previous posters that he's your ex all over again.

Once your'e out of the relationship, I suggest spending some time looking at your relationship partners to see how you ended up with two financially exploitative partners. I don't mean that this is your fault, in any way - but you might find it helpful to look at your own childhood and think through what you're looking for in a partner and what you are prepared to tolerate.

You've done really well in overhauling yourself financially after your ex - now it's worth doing an emotional audit on yourself too.

You've been there with your ex and you got yourself out of that mess - you can do it again!

Twinklestein Thu 18-Jul-13 10:52:42

He's just so awful in every way that this isn't even just about the appalling attitude to money.

Literally he is like a teenager: he seems to see you as his mum or his teacher, smirking when he's 'told off'.

I have no doubt you can do so much better than this OP. Get rid of him before he runs up another massive debt.

Jan45 Thu 18-Jul-13 10:59:19

Personally I think some posters are OTT on this, he sounds like a typical guy, not taking things seriously, I doubt he is meaning to deliberately upset or hurt you but he is and he needs to acknowledge that, other than telling him and him rectifying his behaviour, the only other thing you can do is cut your losses with him.

If you want to remain living with him, separate the finances, have an account where you both put in your contribution and that is it, you have your money, he has his, let him do what he likes with it, as long as it isn't yours. What is the living arrangement, do you have a joint mortgage together or just renting?

IWipeArses Thu 18-Jul-13 11:02:20

He sounds utterly horrible! Separate your finances from his as fast as you can and then get out of it.

fuzzpig Thu 18-Jul-13 11:10:26

I don't think it's a typical guy. Most grown men are not so disrespectful of the partners they are supposed to love, and the attitude to money isn't a typical man thing either IMO.

OP, DH has been in your position with his exW, he ended up with £25k debt when he finally found the strength to leave - he had not spent any of that himself. She was also emotionally (and sometimes physically) abusive. It left such a huge dent in his self esteem and general outlook on life, not just on his bank balance.

It must have been very damaging for you to go through that with your ex, and it is going to take a lot of strength to stop this happening again.

TBH even without the money issue, he sounds really nasty and disrespectful. You deserve BETTER. You do not need to be with someone who treats you like that, you really don't.

To use a popular MN phrase, he has shown you his true colours now - BELIEVE HIM. It might not feel like it now but you are, in a way, lucky - because he has shown himself in this light relatively early. Don't ignore this.

Xiaoxiong Thu 18-Jul-13 11:17:00

jan45 seriously, you think that behaving like a sarcastic entitled spendthrift is typical guy behaviour?

Jan45 Thu 18-Jul-13 11:33:16

I think a lot of guys don't take finances as seriously as women and it's usually the woman who juggles them, pays them etc, not always but I've found with myself and my friends it is us who do the budgeting.

I'm not going to tell her to leave him cos she's not asking that.

As for the disrespect, as I've said already, if he can't accept his attitude is hurting her then she should cut her losses.

As for the finances, I don't see why they can't be separate with both of them paying into a joint account to cover bills etc, they are not married. If he wants to waste his money let him, it's his to waste, she doesn't have to do the same or be responsible for any of his debts.

Tuckshop Thu 18-Jul-13 11:41:08

Listen to pictish. Agree with everything she has said.

He is absolutely not a "typical guy", he sounds awful.

MadBusLady Thu 18-Jul-13 11:42:15

I don't think the money issue is really the problem here, jan. And I don't think the OP thinks so either from her thread title.

Jan45 Thu 18-Jul-13 11:47:17

I think the money as well as the way he is disprespecting her are the issues, from what I can gleam from her thread.

Ok, possibly not typical guy behaviour but hardly a reason to pack a bag and leave, surely worth trying to sort out and come to a mutual compromise, they've only just moved in together.

My OP is not good with his money, we pay a certain contribution into a joint account that covers all bills, the rest of his money is up to him how he spends it and same for me, it works for us, sounds like it might for them too.

Tuckshop Thu 18-Jul-13 12:03:39

It rings massive alarm bells for me that so early after moving in he can't sit down with her and discuss it maturely. He is mocking and dismissive and already there has been a day when she really needed his love and support and it wasn't there, and he is reluctant to celebrate her getting the job. I'm not sure what in all that you expect her to compromise about - other than just roll over and let him behave how he likes.

Twinklestein Thu 18-Jul-13 12:09:35

Jan - the OP has tried to negotiate multiple times & been greeted with dismissal and smirks.

Do you seriously think that a 'mutual compromise' is possible?

More to the point, this guy seems totally uninterested in the OP: not interested in her concerns about money, nor her past experience, not even her new job.

He doesn't sound like he has the remotest idea how to be in an adult relationship, or even if he would be that bothered if she dumped him.

Jan45 Thu 18-Jul-13 12:10:24

A mutual compromise means both of them agreeing an acceptable way in which he talks to her as well as sorting out the finances.

Not once have I said she should roll over and let him behave how he likes, please re read my posts if you're unclear.

Yes it does ring alarm bells but other than sitting down with him and sorting it out the alternative is to leave - lots of peeps on here seem to think if you have a problem in your relationship the only way of resolving it is to pack a bag or get rid - I would prefer to work things out, if possible.

Tuckshop Thu 18-Jul-13 12:16:59

I'd agree if she hadn't already tried sitting down and sorting concerns out with him - he doesn't sound like someone able to own his "stuff", discuss and agree things with her, when she has attempted to do just that he just became sarcastic and mocking.

Jan45 Thu 18-Jul-13 12:27:21

So what do you suggest she does then, pack a bag, or get rid?

I'm suggesting one more try at sitting him down and aiming for an agreement where they have a joint account for covering bills etc and make it clear to him it's because she does not trust or agree with how he manages money.

And, more importantly, how he is treating her.

If he can't do the above which isn't hard then I'd suggest then getting rid or packing the bag.

ImperialBlether Thu 18-Jul-13 12:32:02

Look, he's shown what he thinks of her by his actions. He is enjoying spending more money now because their money is combined. He has no thought of her. He has shown no respect. He is really awful.

Do you really think a conversation with him will change him?

Why bother trying? He's shown what he's like. They don't have children, so no reason to make one last big effort. He's shown himself to be the kind of person she doesn't want to live with.

Jan45 Thu 18-Jul-13 12:37:50

Because they've just moved in together so I would doubt the OP now wants to walk away, not once has she mentioned anything about feeling the need to leave him.

If he's always been bad with money then it won't be personal against her, it's the way he is = useless with money.

I get the impression he is not taking her concerns seriously enough, hence the jokes etc, one last conversation with the two ultimatums are worth a shot in my book.

Xiaoxiong Thu 18-Jul-13 12:40:22

I think by the time a lot of people get to the point of posting here they have already tried coming to a mutual compromise, sitting down and sorting out an alternative, and working things out. And it hasn't worked, so they turn to MN when they don't know what else to do.

Often in those circumstances the answer really is LTB because OP has exhausted all the usual courses of action before posting here.

Jan45 Thu 18-Jul-13 12:44:10

OP, why not try writing him a letter, it might make you feel better and also get across your need for changes here?

Jan45 Thu 18-Jul-13 12:44:53

Xiaoxiong: yes some do but equally a lot come on here to vent, it doesn't mean they are considering splitting up, the OP has never mentioned that as an option.

Ragwort Thu 18-Jul-13 12:46:24

But Jan45 the OP has tried to sort out the financial matters by discussing it with her 'D'P who is clearly not taking it seriously at all. Yes, I do think she shoud leave him, financial combatability is crucial in a relationship and clearly they have totally opposing views over how to handle finance. It is in no way a 'typical guy' thing hmm.

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