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Can't voice my opinion/concerns without him taking the piss & disrespecting me

(96 Posts)
ArthursWhiteHair Wed 17-Jul-13 23:40:14

I've always been very, very careful with money. I like to live by a budget, save up for nice things and have a safety net in the bank. Since living with DP (and it's only been a few months) we seem to constantly live in an overdraft.

A few times I've calmly said to him that I feel we should make more of an effort to budget properly. He dismisses this and says we don't buy luxuries as it is but we do! £20-£30 every weekend on cinema and days outs, we do "a shop" around twice a week and spend over £70 each time when we originally budgeted for £50 a week on groceries. He's constantly buying stuff off ebay - he just seems to spend without really worrying about where it comes from. But anyway he agreed we'd make more of an effort.

So last week I notice that the bank is £-150. A few days later it's £-200 and then at the start of this week it's £-300. I voice my concerns and he says stuff like "tell you what, lets not eat for a month" with a smirk on his face. Yesterday the bank was sat at £-500 and I tell DP I'm becoming very concerned about the increasing over draft. He tells me we can't cut back anymore than we do and I'm being unrealistic. Today the account was at £-630.

So later in the day he's making sarcastic comments such as "hang on, let me consult my financial advisor about this purchase" or "I was going to buy a drink earlier but didn't want to cause a financial collapse so went without." He makes out he's just playing around but I feel he's totally disregarding my concerns. We're not on bad money, he earns over £30k a year and I earn over £20k a year - when we wrote out a budget we worked out we'd have almost £200 spare a week after groceries etc yet we seem to just dig deeper and deeper into the overdraft. I don't understand.

Tonight I just wanted to talk to him about it and express my concerns, see if we can work out where we're going wrong and see if we can come up with a solution. He sat there giggling and smirking at me whilst I was talking and then said stuff like "ooo welcome to the adult world of relationships and mortgages and cars and bills - " err I'm 32, I've lived with "adult finances" since I was 17. He even said "if this isn't the kind of life you want, you should just say" - in other words, fuck off if you're not happy? So sensing that he was not taking me seriously I started to tell him about WHY I was so anal about money and budgeting. The conversation went like this:

"I just want to explain to you why it means so much to me, I had a bad experience when I was younger and ... "

he butted in with "look you're just over talking it, no point in going on about it."

FFS i was about to tell him something important about my past! how fucking rude. I told him he was out of order to cut me off like that so he said "ok ok, tell me what happened back when you were a child." in a mocking voice. (what happened was my ex and I got into a shit load of debt, all of it in my name and then he fucked off and it took me years to pay it back. I worked my arse off to do it but I did it and always swore I'd never get into debt again - but he never got to hear this story).

I've never been in debt since and I'm struggling with it and finding that I have no voice because if I bring it up I get laughed at or accussed of being a nazi with money. He's not interested in WHY I'm so concerned.

Another thing is that I went for a job interview last week. It was a horrible day, my beloved guinea pig died and I found him just before I had to set off for my interview. Made a twat of myself in the interview but somehow - I got the job. DP does not seem interested at all, hasn't really congratulated me (well he has but vaguely) and when a mutual friend told him to take me out to celebrate he said "yeah I will" - we were supposed to be going out tomorrow night and he's already trying to get out of it. We won't end up going unless I really push for it but why bother? if he doesn't want to celebrate why push it? where is the fun in forcing someone to celebrate with you?

pictish Thu 18-Jul-13 01:07:39

He's a disrespectful idiot.
Honestly? Doesn't bode well.

Oh god, just dump him

There is not a single positive quality he could have that would outweigh all that bullshit.

WhiteBirdBlueSky Thu 18-Jul-13 02:03:13

You will end up paying his debts if you stay with him.

BadLad Thu 18-Jul-13 03:33:35

Even if he was nice, the fact that you want to be careful with money, but he is making the family overspend on a joint income of over 50k a year would mean that the relationship is unlikely to last.

LumpInTheCustard Thu 18-Jul-13 04:15:55

So...

He doesn't congratulate you when you've achieved something good.
He doesn't commiserate with you when you're sad.
He won't listen when you try to tell him something.
He won't respect your opinion.
He mocks and is sarcastic rather than being attentive and supportive.
He is shit with money.

I see two separate problems here. His attitude to you, and his attitude with money. Neither are good and frankly either of them would be a deal breaker for me, and the two combined would have me running screaming for the hills.

I agree with many other posters - in this situation my first action would be to quietly disentangle my finances from his. My second would be to LTB before I strangled him for being a mocking money-pissing twat.

What a horrible man. Close the account as soon as the OD is paid when he gets paid and separate your finances, then run like the wind.
He's showing you who he is and he's a twat with no respect for you, so believe him. It doesn't get better.

ratbagcatbag Thu 18-Jul-13 05:01:17

How long before you're entangled in a right mess. Me and DH through a variety of reasons ended up in a financial mess, we earn good money between us, but just was crap with it. We ended up with nearly 30k on credit cards, one day had eureka moment, did a snowball checker and realised we were paying £900 minimum payments and clearing £140 off balances shock I sat DH down went through everything, he listened, was shocked that at that rate it would take 47 years to clear it. Applied for 0% balance transfer cards with the longest months we could find. Switched lots of money and we are now just under 10k within 18 months, BUT we bth had to want to do it, we live ok still but anything over £30 each to buy is mentioned, as we budget really well. He will drag you down and ignore anything as its not important to him. This is my second ever LTB and I've been on mn for a good few years.

Been there. He is not going to change, so cut your losses and get out now.

Good luck!

TwllBach Thu 18-Jul-13 05:34:41

Definitely been there!
Thi time last year I was writing similar posts. Dp would belittle me, he worked full time while I was a student and yet I was always lending him money, he ignored my graduation and subsequent job offer... After posting on here I eventually got rid. I know have a new dp who is sensible with money and genuinely seems to worship me and is proud of everything I achieve blush

Find someone nice op

<waves at Imperialblether>

Onetwo34 Thu 18-Jul-13 06:06:14

He doesn't sound very nice
He doesn't sound capable of living within his means, in his 30s - he isn't an immature 22 year old.
And did I mention he doesn't seem to be nice?

Not really good signs there for a happy life.

buaitisi Thu 18-Jul-13 06:59:02

Op, how long have you been sharing your finances? Was it his idea?

If you don't want to leave, tell him your differing attitudes to money is causing arguments and making you feel bad so you've decided to go back to having your own account.

What is it he's eating into the overdraft for? Stuff for both of you or just him?

kalidanger Thu 18-Jul-13 07:30:48

Agree strongly with everyone else. Strongly.

I had to get rid of both a rude and financially incontinent man. Our combined income was £50k but we were always 'poor'. No, suddenly I was always poor hmm

I think you should take him up on his excellent advice that "fuck off if you're not happy".

Get next months salary paid into your account and spend the last day of the month dumping him.

thanks

comingintomyown Thu 18-Jul-13 07:57:37

I am like you about money and couldnt deal with his attitude towards it, its a fundamental mismatch between you

I agree with everyone else he sounds vile

joblot Thu 18-Jul-13 08:06:55

I'm with the others- who point out he treats you with contempt and thus you need to get rid. He sounds utterly vile. Treating you so badly is absolutely not ok. Please look after yourself and get him out. Keep any valuables or joint purchases, he owes you big time

marriedinwhiteagain Thu 18-Jul-13 08:12:00

So now you are with a man who earns 50% more than you and within a couple of months you have a 630 overdraft to which you haven't contributed. Add to that the fact that he's not making you happy. This isn't what you want is it OP?

You have a new job - make sure your first salary goes into your own bank account and make him have his own too. Shut the joint account immediately. Then - see those hills in the distance - run for them; run like the wind.

Sorry you're in an upsetting situation though; always horrid when someone you had high hopes for lets you down but get out now and get out fast - will be better in the end.

Chesntoots Thu 18-Jul-13 08:28:03

My ex dumped me with over £30k debt. It took me just over four years to pay it off.

I will never get financially involved with anyone again. It screwed my credit file totally.

This man sounds like an arse with no redeeming features whatsoever. Please get rid. Don't throw away your hard work for this cocklodger.

MadBusLady Thu 18-Jul-13 08:58:13

He sounds absolutely horrible. Was he like this before you moved in together?

MadBusLady Thu 18-Jul-13 08:59:01

Sorry about your guinea pig, by the way. They are adorable pets, aren't they.

TurnipCake Thu 18-Jul-13 09:04:05

He's a nasty arsehole, I wouldn't bother hanging around waiting for it to get better, because it won't

mizu Thu 18-Jul-13 09:11:10

cocklodger grin

ivykaty44 Thu 18-Jul-13 09:12:35

Get out or if you can't get out seperate your finances- tell him that you want your name of the bank account then you will not give him any further grief over how much he wants to spend. But beware as he will try to drag you down with him and he really will not want you to get your name fo the bank account as he wants you to pick up the peices as he is a snivelling stupid person who laughs at others to make himself feel better

wordyBird Thu 18-Jul-13 09:25:51

You don't understand, because you want to be fair about money, and think he does too.

But he regards all money he can get hold of as his own, including yours, or the bank's.

This man is going to do what your ex did. He has already started down the road. And he doesn't care about you: he openly mocks you and treats you as his money-supplying inferior. sad

Please get out. You deserve better.

FobblyWoof Thu 18-Jul-13 09:29:32

He doesn't sound worth your time to be honest. His blasé attitude towards money would be enough of a concern, but to belittle you and minimise your feelings? Not on.

I honestly don't think it's worth sticking around in this relationship to be honest, even if you get n great, really love each other etc etc, you seem (and quite rightly) not to want to put up with money worries forever.

PrincessKitKat Thu 18-Jul-13 09:34:48

The main reason you live with someone is to see if you are compatible, and, as previous posters have said, money is a fundamental thing in a serious relationship.
You have vastly different views on this topic and he is acting in a very child-like manner - both in his attitude to money and his behaviour towards you.
Im definitely not a 'LTB' person, but as its early days and these fundamental cracks are appearing, I think you need to consider seriously if he's worth your love & attention. If you stay it'll mean breaking a serious promise you made to yourself and putting up with his 'hilarious' (condescending) behaviour.
If you're not ready to give up on this relationship you do need to split the finances. Just a suggestion but we have a personal account each & put our half of the rent, gas etc into the joint account. Then he can spend his cash anyway he likes & yours is safe, but you'd need to watch the joint acc - taking the rent money to spaff on rubbish would be unforgivable to me and would make the decision to leave very easy.
Just wondering, does he show any interest in gambling? My OH used to like the roulette machine (until I asked him to keep a spreadsheet of wins & losses).

PatriciaHolm Thu 18-Jul-13 09:36:44

Unfortunately, you've ended up with another spendthrift, and a mean one at that. His attitude to you is vile. Long term this is just going to end up with lots of debt in your name again, isn't it?

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