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Is my partner playing away?

(70 Posts)
Sunnydale52 Wed 17-Jul-13 09:44:18

Ok so here goes. I have been with my partner for 3 years in September and I have a horrible feeling he is cheating on me. I don't know if I am just being silly but he is being very sneaky. He had a text at bedtime last night but didn't read it. This morning when he went to make tea I had a look and there was no message on his phone, I think he read and deleted it while I was in shower. When he came up I casually asked who had text him and he said one of his mates from football. Well why delete that message, plus he has as smart phone where the messages continue in conversation form and there were other messages form this guy further down in his message list (hope that makes sense) so why lie about it? I didn't say anything.

A bit of history. He was with his ex for 16 years, they have kids together but he was never faithful. Said they just bumbled along and it was never meant to be a long term serious thing but then the kids arrived. He had an affair with someone he worked with (for about a year I think) and lots of 'others' during their relationship. He did tell me all of this after we had been dating for a couple of months and stupidly (maybe) I decided that he had been honest enough to tell me about it so I would give him the benefit of the doubt and continue to see him. After almost a year and 3 months I moved into his and rent out my house. Since moving in over a year and a half ago he doesn't seem interested in sex with me. He keeps coming up with different excuses and its pretty much always me that instigates it. Also last year after our holiday I found messages on his phone to the woman he had been cheating on his ex with and he told her he loved her and missed her. When I confronted him about this he said he didn't' mean it like that and that it was in a friendship way as they had been really good friends before the affair had started. I also found messages on his facebook to a woman he had been to college with but now lives about 3 hours away. She was saying how she missed him and wishes she was in his bed. He hadn't said anything like that back to her though but I know that when they were younger they had a 'thing'.

The problem now is that I am 20 weeks pregnant with twins (planned pregnancy) but as I get further into the pregnancy I just feel I'm can't trust him and I don't know what to do!

Please don't be mean, I am very emotional and yes I may have been stupid but in general day to day life he is very kind and caring normally. We have only had about 4 or 5 big rows since we have been together.

Really I am just looking for advice.

Sorry that was long winded and thank you for reading.

onefewernow Thu 18-Jul-13 10:46:22

IME, instincts and suspicion are usually proven right. I learned that the hard way.

Also, serial cheats are philanderers - look up Frank Pittman on those. They don't usually stop without serious shocks or therapy, and they often escalate when a new baby is involved. Women are sometimes seen as mothers or sex objects to them, but not both at the same time.

Also, women who are assertive and seen to be can end up taking all kinds of crap of this sort by allowing their boundaries to be eroded but by bit, believing in proof they may never get.

Finally, philanderers are very very often charming men in other ways. That is one of the reasons they are so successful at it.

None of these things may apply to you. But based on what you have posted it does look worrying.

Jan45 Thu 18-Jul-13 10:27:07

Hope you're ok and got answers

missbopeep Thu 18-Jul-13 10:25:52

Did you talk to him then?

morethanpotatoprints Wed 17-Jul-13 18:20:26

Hello OP

If it was me I'd be asking myself if there was another woman who he was telling all the stories to just like he did you.
Are you sure that he didn't plan the last children with his ex, as you say he is good at planning things.
Could he be telling another woman that he wasn't in it for keeps? He hasn't married you either.
Once the trust is gone afaic that's the end of the relationship, you need to ask yourself if you can trust this man.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 17-Jul-13 17:52:09

Did say my last post was my final contribution (squirm) so have PM'd you OP.

msshapelybottom Wed 17-Jul-13 17:27:28

I have never rapped. Crap is what I would not go back to grin

msshapelybottom Wed 17-Jul-13 17:26:27

I feel for you, I really do. I wouldn't ever want to be in a relationship where I had doubts about my partner.

Speaking from experience on the sex front, my ex rarely wanted sex with me, I married him despite this and things never changed, except I began to feel more and more desperate for him to "want" me and my self esteem plummeted. (my ex never cheated AFAIK). Knowing what I know now, I should have ended things a lot earlier!

Being single is way better than carrying around the weight of worrying about how your partner is behaving. Really, it is. Despite all the difficulties of being a single parent to 3 kids, I would NEVER go back to that rap again.

You don't need evidence. You just need to decide if this is how you want to live your life...wondering about what he's up to and checking his phone.

missbopeep Wed 17-Jul-13 17:04:46

Sunny- your OP didn't ask for advice on how to bring up the topic.

All you had to say was' I think there is a chance of my DP cheating. he has a history of this. Sex between us had dwindled and he never inititates it. How can I discuss this.'

But you didn't ask that.

You seem mightily forgetful of what you did post and very good at ignoring my comments ( and others) about going back to your OP and seeing precisely what you did write.

But if you want advice on what to say- no, you don't need to shout.
You do need to ask him to sit down and have a serious, calm talk with you.

But honestly- really- can you see him admitting to his bit on the side on the basis of 1 deleted text?

I think you need a reality check.

Sunnydale52 Wed 17-Jul-13 17:03:56

Just gonna see how it pans out I guess. I'm thinking i'm gonna have to fess up to checking his phone and seeing that the message has gone though.............................................

Either way will come back tomorrow to comment on how it went.

Sunnydale52 Wed 17-Jul-13 17:02:33

I didn't' have doubts about wanting to commit to him - or I wouldn't of got pregnant. Yes kids are more important than a bit of paper - and if this whole text thing last night hadn't happened if he asked me to marry him I would have said yes. Again I know I'm going to get bashed for saying that but the relationship other than sex is great.

My clock has been ticking since I was 18, and I didn't have them with my ex as I realised that was not a good idea and ended the marriage.

Well I am finishing work now so guess its time. I'm still none the wiser as to how to go about this talk though, guess I have to go with the flow.

CajaDeLaMemoria Wed 17-Jul-13 17:01:14

Fair enough.

Are you going to show him your hand then, so to speak, or are you just going to ask who was texting him last night?

Jan45 Wed 17-Jul-13 16:59:58

Sunnydale - it looks bad to us because we are looking in from the outside - you may have a different perspective and I hope you get the answers tonight, come back tomorrow and let us know, good luck x

missbopeep Wed 17-Jul-13 16:59:13

If you had doubts Sunny about whether you wanted to commit to him why press on with having kids? Funny way to go about things. Kids are more of a tie than a piece of paper.

Was this your biological clock ticking- you mentioned you'd waited for ages to be a mum?

I hope you manage to talk to him. I don't expect him to be truthful- he only does that when it suits him.

Sunnydale52 Wed 17-Jul-13 16:57:43

That's helpful.

hmm

Sunnydale52 Wed 17-Jul-13 16:54:17

I'm not trying to jam my eyes closed at all. again I just wanted advice on how to START THE CONVERSATION with him. I totally agree this missing message does not look good at all, and is very strange behaviour if he isn't cheating. But if I go in all guns blazing screaming and shouting that isn't going to do me any good now is it, if anything that kind of behaviour is only going to stress me more, raise blood pressure and put my babies at risk - so trying to do it calmly is surely the best option, no?

Sunnydale52 Wed 17-Jul-13 16:51:24

Hmmmm strange comment. If after talking to him tonight I believe he is then that's it. I don't need to catch him between another womans legs, but at the same time I'm not going to throw away a relationship if I'm not 100% sure he has. I don't know anyone who would to be honest.

CajaDeLaMemoria Wed 17-Jul-13 16:50:06

It seems that seeing the message was gone opened your eyes to the possibility that he was cheating.

Now you are desperate to jam them closed again.

He won't need to try hard to convince you that he's not cheating, because you are desperate to believe that he's not back up to old tricks, and it's saveable.

That's your choice, but its something to keep in mind. Ignorance isn't always bliss.

Sunny, I can see you're the kind of woman who will never fully believe their other half is cheating unless you actually catch him between another woman's legs. Good luck. You are going to need it sad

Sunnydale52 Wed 17-Jul-13 16:43:19

missbopeep re

*Can I ask why your relationship is not on a permanent footing? Has he shown any interest in being married? To you- or any woman?
Does he go around creating babies but not showing any real, binding commitment to the woman he is with at the time?*

It was me that was against marriage to begin with - I had a abusive marriage that I got out of. He has asked me before if I would consider marriage and I said i'm not sure, so he is the one that brought that up and I kinda poo pooed the subject.

Sunnydale52 Wed 17-Jul-13 16:40:37

If he isn't cheating then we can work on the sex thing surely? Yes I have my suspicions but that's not 100% truth is it.

Sunnydale52 Wed 17-Jul-13 16:39:00

Haha juicy is that really what you would do if you didn't 100% know your partner was cheating? That seems a little hot headed - to ruin a relationship that might just need a bit of work and to not give children a united family just on instinct?

Sunnydale52 Wed 17-Jul-13 16:37:06

Oh I see what you mean, my opening post made sense to me. I meant he keeps coming up with excuses as to why he doesn't often instigate sex - sorry that was my mixed messages there.

I am independent, I don't care what you think on that front. Yes maybe I should have taken it as a warning message, but I decided not to at the time, hence me now wondering if I did make a mistake - I'm only human we all make them. I have my own money and my own house - if he's cheating I will not hesitate to walk away, he can see the twins but as for us it will be over.

Again what I was wanting was advice on how to bring up the conversation about it with him - or do I need actual evidence that he has/is cheating?

Sunny, you're asking how to confront him. You're hot and bothered and 20 wks pregnant. You hate crying and wailing. So kick your tenants out and move back into your home, telling him that no amount of denials will convince you he isn't cheating and that you want him out of your life. If he loves you he will do everything to turn his life around.

*some.

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