Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Is my partner playing away?

(70 Posts)
Sunnydale52 Wed 17-Jul-13 09:44:18

Ok so here goes. I have been with my partner for 3 years in September and I have a horrible feeling he is cheating on me. I don't know if I am just being silly but he is being very sneaky. He had a text at bedtime last night but didn't read it. This morning when he went to make tea I had a look and there was no message on his phone, I think he read and deleted it while I was in shower. When he came up I casually asked who had text him and he said one of his mates from football. Well why delete that message, plus he has as smart phone where the messages continue in conversation form and there were other messages form this guy further down in his message list (hope that makes sense) so why lie about it? I didn't say anything.

A bit of history. He was with his ex for 16 years, they have kids together but he was never faithful. Said they just bumbled along and it was never meant to be a long term serious thing but then the kids arrived. He had an affair with someone he worked with (for about a year I think) and lots of 'others' during their relationship. He did tell me all of this after we had been dating for a couple of months and stupidly (maybe) I decided that he had been honest enough to tell me about it so I would give him the benefit of the doubt and continue to see him. After almost a year and 3 months I moved into his and rent out my house. Since moving in over a year and a half ago he doesn't seem interested in sex with me. He keeps coming up with different excuses and its pretty much always me that instigates it. Also last year after our holiday I found messages on his phone to the woman he had been cheating on his ex with and he told her he loved her and missed her. When I confronted him about this he said he didn't' mean it like that and that it was in a friendship way as they had been really good friends before the affair had started. I also found messages on his facebook to a woman he had been to college with but now lives about 3 hours away. She was saying how she missed him and wishes she was in his bed. He hadn't said anything like that back to her though but I know that when they were younger they had a 'thing'.

The problem now is that I am 20 weeks pregnant with twins (planned pregnancy) but as I get further into the pregnancy I just feel I'm can't trust him and I don't know what to do!

Please don't be mean, I am very emotional and yes I may have been stupid but in general day to day life he is very kind and caring normally. We have only had about 4 or 5 big rows since we have been together.

Really I am just looking for advice.

Sorry that was long winded and thank you for reading.

CajaDeLaMemoria Wed 17-Jul-13 15:30:51

Be very wary, then, that you don't become "just as bad" by putting up with it, too.

It certainly sounds like he is up to old tricks. I suspect the reason that his ex put up with it is because it's very hard to leave, especially with kids, and much easier to stay and believe the lies.

TurnipCake Wed 17-Jul-13 15:33:34

I was in a situation where I knew my ex was behaving inappropriately (explicit texts to others, Facebook messages, trying to meet up with others behind my back) and I chose to ignore it because I had a huge fear of being alone.

So for a few months I lived with the doubt, the worries that every time he was on his phone he was texting another woman, and I would worry every time he went out. It wore me down, health wise I really deteriorated both mentally and physically. He left me for someone else anyway, but in hindsight I wish I had walked out when I had reason to doubt him, my instincts were right.

You're in a vulnerable position but you have to ask yourself what it will take. He has already told someone else he misses them and loves them, however nice he is (my ex had a prominent, respected position in the community and we never had blazing rows) ultimately it's your happiness and your babies that matter.

She wasn't 'just as bad' she was being had. Like you probably are.

Sunnydale52 Wed 17-Jul-13 15:41:59

I agree, it doesn't shine him in a good light. But with the woman on FB he never said anything of a sexual nature to her, hence never bringing that up with him at the time of finding it.

We have sex at least once a week, so am I being demanding? I don't really think so. (I don't think you had to be so crass as the way you put it about him having no problem getting his 'cock' out though, there are feelings involved here)

I have already had the conversation about why he said misses and loves her - that was last year. He said that it was as a friend he felt these things (and their affair ended about 3 years before I met him) as they had been friends long before the affair started. He said he understands if I don't understand that, but I told him I did. I have lost a very good friend as his wife decided she didn't like me because we had a past. We hadn't been in a relationship at all, we were very good close friends who had had a few sexual encounters (we were both single at the time of these as it was before he met her) Therefore I do know what its like to love and miss someone but on a friendship basis. There was nothing in the messages about them meeting or doing anything, this is why I let it 'go' so to speak but I did say it wasn't allowed and if I found anything again I would be out of there.

missbopeep Wed 17-Jul-13 15:46:35

I don't know why you posted as your mind seems made up- that he isn't doing what you suspected.

In the time you have been with this man - 3 short years- he has told a former lover he loved her and missed her ( but didn't mean it like 'that'- whatever 'that' means.)

He has also responded in some way to a woman who 'wishes she were in his bed'.

Is this 'nice' behaviour? What does commitment mean to you? Cos his behaviour doesn't show commitment to me.

Forget the school governor bit- think of all the do-gooders and priests who have been caught with their trousers down. Pillar of the community means fuck all, and it's often there to cover up another side to the person.

Do you in some ways get a kick out of thinking women are all over him, but you have got him?

And why- for a man who drops his trousers so fast in terms of being unfaithful, does he now have no sex drive for the woman he is with?

Sunnydale52 Wed 17-Jul-13 15:51:49

Come on guys is there really need to be mean over this. TheOrchardKeeper that's a really insensitive comment to leave and just post that. Maybe I am being had, but I intend to find out and won't hang about. I didn't post on here to be made to look a fool - even if you think I am- I came here for advice. And was she really 'being had' if she knew about it, she was turning a blind eye and letting him do it.

TurnipCake I totally agree that it is my babies that matter and I will always put them first. I have been waiting for what feels like forever to be a mum, and to now think that I've waited this long and still possibly had children with the wrong man is very upsetting for me.

Jan45 Wed 17-Jul-13 15:54:47

I too wonder why you are asking advice as it sounds like you now don't think he has cheated but your post says you think he has, doesn't really make sense.

Sorry if using the word cock upset you, I certainly didn't mean to do that, it was more to highlight the fact that now he never seems to bring it out - sorry again, I'm finding this quite amusing now.

Look, the advice you get on here is irrelevant, only you know what you want to do, most folk on here after reading your post, will think the same-he's probably cheating again so don't shoot us down for it, it's a public forum so people will be very honest in their opinions.

I'm sorry but I don't even understand your above post with his reasons for being in touch with these other women.

I wish you all the best and hope you find out the truth soon.

Sunnydale52 Wed 17-Jul-13 15:59:00

Oh that's nice to say this is now amusing you.

I obviously have concerns he is cheating - or I wouldn't' have posted in the first place!

Yes they are public forums but maybe people should think about how they put things first.

I couldn't tell you exactly how many times he cheated on her, just that I know he did.

TurnipCake Wed 17-Jul-13 16:01:38

His ex is irrelevant in this situation, I think you're focusing a lot on proving that you're Not Like Her because you don't want the same happening to you but as much as you say about her turning a blind eye and 'letting him' cheat hmm ultimately she's better off without him and you're left with the booby prize, so put the focus back to you.

He has told you he cheats, he has known to cheat and he is behaving in a way that makes you suspicious. You say you won't hang about, but realistically, what kind of proof do you need?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 17-Jul-13 16:01:43

I am not going to hound you and I am sorry if this upsets you, so my last contribution. It is very nice if he is cuddly and seems pro-baby and good company when he is beside you. How can you trust him when he is out of sight?

I am not saying you can ring fence him and decide who he is friends with. There is a difference between open friendship and FBing or messaging ex girlfriends. It is too easy for someone who has "'fessed up" to say,
"Oh Sunnydale, you knew what I was like, yet you chose to stand by me".
Perhaps his frankness was attractive, maybe you thought he is not so bad, a good daddy, possibly you thought he was absolutely sincere.

No woman pregnant by a a partner wants to think of him as anything but loving and decent. I sympathise you are keen to stand up for his good qualities rather than "Give a dog a bad name and hang him".

When I confronted him about the messages he was calm as I had the proof so he couldn't deny it.
I should think he was "calm", how could he deny it, were you calm? Did he apologise, make promises, toe the line?

However, does he now feel he got away with the messages so I don't really mean what I said?

I'm afraid so.

He may twist any doubts and he may say he regrets being honest and upfront, if now you are suspicious and don't trust him.

It is good to start afresh, no secrets, but you can't ignore what your instinct is warning you. Telling you about how shabbily he conducted his last relationship isn't proof that he will now be loyal and faithful. It's not even restricted to out-of-town ex gf is it. He didn't stray far when he had an affair with a colleague did he. That was past history but I hope it's not present.

If he is turning down sex with you and has been sending sneaky texts at least since last summer, does that seem normal? How will he be when you are 7 months' gone? Occupied with newborn twins?

Tbh I think if you go down the road of, It must be my fault, not keeping him happy, poor him he will grab that excuse and flout that. Good luck.

Sunnydale52 Wed 17-Jul-13 16:10:29

That has not upset me Donkey

I think you are right that his frankness was attractive.

He did do all those things when I confronted him yes, and it took a long while for me to forgive him. I think part of his problem as well is that he gets comfortable in the relationship - still not an excuse, just a reason. And yes you are probably right he probably does think that now (that's if he is even cheating)

He's not turning down sex with me when I make the move, maybe only 3 times in three years has he turned it down.

I do not think it must be my fault, I have never given him a reason to stray if he is. So therefore, if he is that's just him and I made a big mistake on taking the chance - that would be my fault but hey ho.

I guess I will find out one way or the other when I get in from work tonight.

Jan45 Wed 17-Jul-13 16:11:00

Sunnydale, sorry I meant what I was writing was amusing, I can see now that was a bit insensitive towards you so I do apologise.

Again, folk on here are very blunt and to the point, we're all anonymous so it's a lot easier to be frank, sorry I might have been too frank but that's what you get on here.

CalamityKate Wed 17-Jul-13 16:11:53

I'd bet good money that he's playing away.

Not sure why you posted though because you're excusing him at every turn and trying desperately to convince yourself he's innocent.

Sunnydale52 Wed 17-Jul-13 16:13:25

Ok that makes sense Jan45 so I in turn apologise for saying.

I have posted on here before, just not in relationships and under a different account so I know what it can be like. I guess I just don't get why some people think that because it anonymous they can be insensitive? I'm not and wouldn't be.

Sunnydale52 Wed 17-Jul-13 16:17:09

I'm not meaning to excuse him, just get more of the picture across - which I seem to not be doing to well.

I do think there is a good chance he is playing away - I was mainly looking for advice on how to confront him I guess. I'm not really up for a massive row - I'm too pregnant and too hot for that. I am good at dealing with things with a rational head - life has dealt me that hand - I wait until I'm alone for the storm to hit me. It is very rare I will scream and shout and cry in front of people, I detach myself instead.

Jan45 Wed 17-Jul-13 16:17:09

Don't be daft, you're going through a hard time of it right now, I honestly do feel for you and hope things are all sorted out, esp with the babies on the way. I would never find someone's problem amusing, I really wouldn't.

And remember, writing down things is not the same as face to face chats, if you can have them with friends you're better off doing that than reading what's on here which most of the time is inconsistent cos we ALL make assumptions and can be wrong - a lot!

Sunnydale52 Wed 17-Jul-13 16:19:07

That is true jan45 and if I had a friend I could talk to face to face today I would probably be doing that instead but as i'm at work (getting lots done you can see) I haven't got the time to see anyone.

CajaDeLaMemoria Wed 17-Jul-13 16:19:53

I think it's just one of those topics that gets peoples backs up.

I don't think you love and miss friends from a long time ago. Especially friends that you've had a sexual relationship with. He can't say he loves her like a sister, because he's slept with her. So he can only love her like he loves you - and that's supposed to be exclusive. Even if he was feeling it, he shouldn't have told her!

I get the feeling that he is rather good at tying people in knots and hiding in plain sight, so I'd take what he says with a pinch of salt. It's not like he can prove who text him - and if it was innocent, why delete just that one message?

missbopeep Wed 17-Jul-13 16:27:41

Sunnydale- read what was in you OP

he doesn't seem interested in sex with me. He keeps coming up with different excuses and its pretty much always me that instigates it

Why do you keep backtracking? Your recent posts defend him and say you have sex once a week and he has never refused you. yet the words above show how upset you really are.

If excuses are not rejection then what are they?

Can I ask why your relationship is not on a permanent footing? Has he shown any interest in being married? To you- or any woman?
Does he go around creating babies but not showing any real, binding commitment to the woman he is with at the time?

You say you are 'very independent', OP, but I would attest you are not. You are co-dependent, if anything. When you say he was 'open and honest' abut his previous affairs you talk as though this was in soe way noble of him. He was actually telling you what you could expect, can't you see that? You really ought to prepare yourself for either a) a life without him in it or b) a life of you and the twins coming second to his outrageous ego which evidently needs stoking by the attentions of other women.

He is a rat and will never change. I am sorry you ever got stuck with him. So what if he cuddles you on the sofa? He's a liar and a cheat. Get rid of that millstone round your neck.

*some.

Sunny, you're asking how to confront him. You're hot and bothered and 20 wks pregnant. You hate crying and wailing. So kick your tenants out and move back into your home, telling him that no amount of denials will convince you he isn't cheating and that you want him out of your life. If he loves you he will do everything to turn his life around.

Sunnydale52 Wed 17-Jul-13 16:37:06

Oh I see what you mean, my opening post made sense to me. I meant he keeps coming up with excuses as to why he doesn't often instigate sex - sorry that was my mixed messages there.

I am independent, I don't care what you think on that front. Yes maybe I should have taken it as a warning message, but I decided not to at the time, hence me now wondering if I did make a mistake - I'm only human we all make them. I have my own money and my own house - if he's cheating I will not hesitate to walk away, he can see the twins but as for us it will be over.

Again what I was wanting was advice on how to bring up the conversation about it with him - or do I need actual evidence that he has/is cheating?

Sunnydale52 Wed 17-Jul-13 16:39:00

Haha juicy is that really what you would do if you didn't 100% know your partner was cheating? That seems a little hot headed - to ruin a relationship that might just need a bit of work and to not give children a united family just on instinct?

Sunnydale52 Wed 17-Jul-13 16:40:37

If he isn't cheating then we can work on the sex thing surely? Yes I have my suspicions but that's not 100% truth is it.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now