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Please tell me if I am being gaslighted.

(142 Posts)
Wiseysdaughter Tue 16-Jul-13 23:09:37

Hi,

I'm new here. I'm in a gay relationship and we've been together for 8 months. My mum showed me an article on the internet about gas lighting and I need some advice because I don't know what else to do to make my relationship better. I am so unhappy and I feel like a crap girlfriend and nothing I do seems to make my GF happy.

She constantly accuses me of lying, fancying other people, including men, and even my best friend, she times my journeys and questions me when I've taken longer than she thinks I should have done. It has got so bad that I can't see or speak to my friends, I can't post on my fb account in case she thinks I've been unfaithful, I delete all messages from friends and they've had enough of it all.

Now she tells me that she can't deal with my reactions to when she cuts me off, doesn't give me a chance to defend myself and leaves me feeling very upset and feeling bad about myself.

My DM comes here and she suggested I ask for some objective advice as I know she had a lot of help from Mumsnet when she needed it.

I am afraid that if we split up my GF will go on to have a lovely relationship and i'll be left feeling even more shit about myself than I do now.

Can you help me please? Thank you.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 25-Jul-13 10:44:38

" I don't really know who I am and what to do with myself now…"

To be fair, few people at 18 know who they are and what they want to do. That's why it's a particularly dangerous time to get involved with someone manipulative.

You have so many choices and so much potential now and the beauty is that you can try everything. Take a few risks, make a few mistakes and let life's experiences (including the unhappy ones) shape the person you want to be. Good luck

CharlotteCollinsismovingon Thu 25-Jul-13 10:29:18

Enjoy the process of finding yourself again - and go easy on yourself. You have done the right thing.

Scrabbleyurt Wed 24-Jul-13 21:48:34

You have done the right thing. It may not feel like it but you really have. No one should live like that, on eggshells all the time.

You're so young, you have so much time to meet someone lovely, who doesn't control you like this.

Wishing you strength to stay away from her and lots of happiness in your future.

chipmonkey Wed 24-Jul-13 21:04:17

You are dazed and confused. But it will get better. Give it time

Jux Wed 24-Jul-13 21:00:30

Your mum is right, it's very normal to be unsure about who you are. You will need a bit of time to regain your natural instincts and sense of self. Don't worry, you'll get it all back.

SecretSix Wed 24-Jul-13 19:44:33

It does take time to feel yourself again but the really hard bit is done. It isn't a week yet, you aren't expected to feel happy immediately. It will come back gradually.

Be with your friends and your lovely mum.

Wiseysdaughter Wed 24-Jul-13 18:27:57

Thank you for your messages.

It's over… And I can't help but feel that I have lost myself, and I don't really know who I am and what to do with myself now…
My mum says this is very common...

maddening Fri 19-Jul-13 22:13:07

Will be full of drama and angst - and those relationships can destroy you or you can learn from them.

I would leave this relationship before you do yourself any damage - go and enjoy your life - love doesn't feel like this - it sounds more like infatuation.

Go and discover your world as it doesn't wait smile

maddening Fri 19-Jul-13 22:10:20

Remember that you are young - I don't mean this in a patronising way btw - there are so many things waiting for you. It isn't as much of a roller coaster as 13-17 - it's an age where you have done a great deal of learning who you are and what you want - but you are still shaping the adult "you" - lots of changes and discoveries.

This is an age to go out and experience - whether that experience is starting uni, going travelling or starting work, moving out, starting a family and big romances are a part of that - sometimes it is "the one" anf others it is a relationship you will look back on fondly and others wull

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat Fri 19-Jul-13 14:14:38

Just read the whole thread in one go - all power to your elbow Wisey (and Ma Wisey as well!). I know this is a such a cliche, but this genuinely is the first day of the rest of your life - onwards and upwards! flowers flowers flowers

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper Fri 19-Jul-13 04:18:44

Well done.

You know what? So what if she goes on to have an amazing relationship after this? It's doubtful, but do what?

That is completely and 100% separate from your relationship with her.

The fact of the matter is that the two of you are incompatible, and no amount of prolonging it is going to change that. You broke up, got back together and it went straight back to what it was.

The two of you don't 'go' together. Square peg, round hole. And by staying with her, you're stopping yourself from meeting someone you will 'go' with. Hell, you're stopping yourself being free and easy and light, as a singleton. By staying with her, you're stopping yourself from being happy. She is a roadblock to your happiness.

middleagefrumptynumpty Fri 19-Jul-13 01:38:59

You are having withdrawal symptoms from a toxin, you are bound to be feeling crap. Treat the next few weeks as a recuperative time. Make a list of things to do for yourself (mine would be new hair do, spa, mani/pedi, shopping, nice dinner, clearing out my cupboards) to keep your mind off it. Don't contact her.

Jux Fri 19-Jul-13 00:12:35

It's the first 24 hrs. Natural to be distracted. It will get easier. Stick with your mum and your friends, come here if you wobble. Read up. The more you know about abusive relationships the easier you'll find it to avoid them. And the more you will recognise, too. That is probably the most potent safeguard you can give yourself, not just for now, but for the whole of your life.

Sleep well, my lovely.

Best of luck chick. Sounds like you're getting stronger already?

pictish Thu 18-Jul-13 23:43:28

Can you have a holiday? Even a short one? The weather is great just now...maybe it would help you to focus and get perspective.

I can't state enough how I know you are doing the right thing in ending this relationship....but that doesn't help YOU to know.

Take a break and do some reading up on emotional abuse, mind games, gaslighting, controlling behaviour...etc. Educate yourself, so that you may be a certaib as I am. Then it will seem an awful lot clearer. I promise you.

This is a good one to start with...

I'll see if I can find one or two more.

WafflyVersatile Thu 18-Jul-13 23:37:53

time can be a slow healer but however long it takes to get over this it will be 6 months sooner if you end it now rather than end it in 6 months.

chipmonkey Thu 18-Jul-13 23:06:40

Just give it time. You will feel better again, one day, I promise.

Wiseysdaughter Thu 18-Jul-13 22:53:43

Thanks everyone.

So I went to football and saw my friends but my mind was elsewhere sad Maybe not ready to be the old me but will be.

Home now, where I've wanted to be all night, feeling a bit sad. All I could think about when I was on my way home was "I need mumsnet"!!

Thanks everyone, you really do help xx

Get Dd on here, not on her! Unless that what she wants LOL.

Brilliant one liner, what a girl. grin Well done.
I must make sure to get Dd on her when she starts to date so you can all set her straight for me and hold her hand through those first few loves.

akaWisey Thu 18-Jul-13 21:21:38

Shit, she IS invincible!

akaWisey Thu 18-Jul-13 21:18:29

Mum here.

Thank you. Thank you all. She's out and doing what she wants to do for now. The more she does that the better.

She knows I'm here, reading this thread. She shares it with me.

What power we all have when we join together.

You have another MNer in your midst. And take it from me, when she's outta this shit she'll be invincible (like moi).

CharlotteCollinsismovingon Thu 18-Jul-13 21:05:47

Yay, good response!

And if you ever feel like you're wrong and she's changed and maybe it wasn't so bad and perhaps you should try again... confess all to your lovely-sounding friends so that they can confiscate your mobile, distract you or whatever it takes to get you through the wobble and out the other side!

Because even if she suddenly turns into best-ever lovely person, seriously - who wants to be with such a shape-shifter?

chipmonkey Thu 18-Jul-13 20:52:53

By the way, you are NOT bad at relationships. You have a great relationship with your Mum, you have a great relationship with your friends. SHE's the one who's crap at relationships, it just took you a while to figure that out. But we all have to live and learn.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Thu 18-Jul-13 20:07:43

Just caught up here.

Well done Wisey, you will have learned a lot from this relationship, stay strong. Look after your mum and your friends and they will always be there whatever happens.

I have to confess to a bit of welling up at the end here; the kindness and generosity of mumsnetters never ceases to amaze me - well done you lot too flowers

And i don't care how soppy that sounds smile

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