Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Please tell me if I am being gaslighted.

(142 Posts)
Wiseysdaughter Tue 16-Jul-13 23:09:37

Hi,

I'm new here. I'm in a gay relationship and we've been together for 8 months. My mum showed me an article on the internet about gas lighting and I need some advice because I don't know what else to do to make my relationship better. I am so unhappy and I feel like a crap girlfriend and nothing I do seems to make my GF happy.

She constantly accuses me of lying, fancying other people, including men, and even my best friend, she times my journeys and questions me when I've taken longer than she thinks I should have done. It has got so bad that I can't see or speak to my friends, I can't post on my fb account in case she thinks I've been unfaithful, I delete all messages from friends and they've had enough of it all.

Now she tells me that she can't deal with my reactions to when she cuts me off, doesn't give me a chance to defend myself and leaves me feeling very upset and feeling bad about myself.

My DM comes here and she suggested I ask for some objective advice as I know she had a lot of help from Mumsnet when she needed it.

I am afraid that if we split up my GF will go on to have a lovely relationship and i'll be left feeling even more shit about myself than I do now.

Can you help me please? Thank you.

chipmonkey Tue 16-Jul-13 23:54:30

This is abuse. She is a controlling cow and you need to end the relationship. She may go on to have a lovely relationship, but it will only be lovely for her, not for the other poor girl she ends up with!

Of course she is lovely, sometimes. If she was horrible all the time, she'd never get a GF! People like that reel in their victims, then start the abuse.

Don't ever be afraid of ending up alone. It is honestly better to be single and happy than in a relationship and miserable. You are so young, get out there and have fun! The right girl will come along and when it's right, you'll know it's right, you won't have to come and ask a bunch of old gimmers like us! grin

Wiseysdaughter Tue 16-Jul-13 23:57:52

ImperialBlether I know what you're saying is right.

I'm at college studying at the moment, my career plan could go in any direction, I'm interested in a lot of things. I don't know anymore if I want to go to University, I want to get out there and work!

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Wed 17-Jul-13 00:00:13

Abusers are always as lovely as they need to be to get you hooked.

Then they are just lovely enough to keep you dangling on their line.

Your mum sounds great and so do you.

End this toxic relationship and you will find happiness with someone else.

What happens to your ex is irrelevant.

Wiseysdaughter Wed 17-Jul-13 00:03:36

GF was cheated on by her last partner. My DF cheated on my mum. I would never do that. I've experienced second-hand what it's like to go through that. So I try really hard to prove that I'm not like that. That is part of the reason I don't text my friends, don't have any numbers saved, and don't see people, because then she can't say much.. Unless she convinces herself I'm lying and in fact I'm texting everyone, seeing all sorts of people behind her back and lying about where I am and who I'm with.

chipmonkey grin

laeiou Wed 17-Jul-13 00:11:44

The problem with abusive relationships is that people don't punch you in the face on a first date. It's subtle, starts small and occasional, and builds up as the abuser gains control.

There are loads of sites online that describe signs of abuse. You may find this useful
www.nhs.uk/Livewell/women1839/Pages/Teenrelationshipabuse.aspx

Please stop thinking about this other person and think about yourself.

Jux Wed 17-Jul-13 00:37:47

Run for the hills, Wiseysdaughter, as fast as you can and as soon as you can.

This will only get worse. There is a 'script' which alternates nice and nasty. She's nice for a while - long enough to get you back to behaving yourself - and then she'll be nasty.

Stay with her and you will get this:
She'll try to isolate you from your friends and family (she's already doing that, and you, by trying to aoid angering her, are cooperating. You will find that you have no friends soon).

She'll probably persuade you to give up on Uni. That way you'll be financially dependent upon her and she can dole out a fiver when you go to her cap on hand, probably having to tell her exactly what you want it for and how much it will cost, and she'll check the change.

Her accusations of infidelity will become worse. She'll grill you at midnight and go on and on until 4am. If you do manage to get a job you'll be too knackered to do it properly and too emotionally frail to cope.

You will become a non-person. You will lose any confidence you have, all your self-esteem and all hope for your future. You will be miserable and confused. Aythong you try to do will never be good enough. You will never be good enough.

Or leave her.

You are 18. The world is your oyster. Make your life a happy one.

ImperialBlether Wed 17-Jul-13 00:38:18

Look, if you're in a relationship where you can't text your friends, you're in an unhealthy relationship.

If you kept eating something which was giving you heartburn and there was a high chance it would make you ill, you'd know you were doing something wrong and needed to cut it out, wouldn't you?

This is just the same. She's bad for your emotional health and your future will change as a result of her continued presence.

Dump her!

middleagefrumptynumpty Wed 17-Jul-13 01:09:50

This relationship is toxic. Look at it this way, whilst you are with her, you will never meet someone who has your best interests at heart.

chipmonkey Wed 17-Jul-13 01:11:49

The thing is, you can never disprove a conspiracy. You can never prove you aren't cheating. Unless you lock yourself up in one room with no phone or no computer, with a loo in the corner. Just like prison, really.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 17-Jul-13 07:34:16

It's a controlling relationship. Never be with someone who isn't happy with you being yourself. If you would normally text your friends and be sociable and this person is forcing you (because you want to please her) to drop all of that... you are not being yourself. It isn't cheating to have friends and a reasonable person who loved you would love you for having those friends, not guilt-trip you, exploit your DF's behaviour & demand you are a hermit.

There are lots of internet articles on the subject. This one is typical and worth reading. Signs of and Emotionally Abusive Relationship If even half of the points mentioned sound familiar to you, get this woman out of your life.

fantashtic Wed 17-Jul-13 08:27:26

Cogito has it in one:
'Never be with someone who isn't happy with you being yourself.'
Choose happiness.

Wiseysdaughter Wed 17-Jul-13 10:07:25

Thanks everyone. You're advice is clear and screams that I should run for the hills. But I worry I'm not strong enough for that, and worry how upset I'd be if I did.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 17-Jul-13 10:13:59

You don't have to be strong enough, you just have to have a plan to stay away and don't be frightened to ask for the support of others to help you achieve it. Manipulative people can be very charming as they draw you in and I think it's like a form of hypnosis i.e. the more opportunity you give them to mess with your mind, the harder it gets to detach. Put some time and distance between you, get help to stay away, be with all those other friends that you haven't seen for a while... who will probably be only too glad to see you out of her clutches ... and, even though you might be upset short-term, you'll succeed.

Remember, 'no means no' and if this girlfriend doesn't accept 'no' and leave you alone, she has no respect for you.

pictish Wed 17-Jul-13 10:14:49

You'd be upset for while....but after a fashion you'll feel fantastic!!!

Your girlfriend is fucked up and malevolent, and o amount of good loving from you will change that, I'm afraid...even if she swears blind it will. It won't.

She will continue to conduct her relationships as a controlling, possessive domineering bully, for the rest of her life.

Don't, for fuck's sake, let it be the rest of yours!

pictish Wed 17-Jul-13 10:15:23

no amount...sorry

Jux Wed 17-Jul-13 10:21:41

The end of a relationship is always sad. You mourn what could have been, rather than what actually was; it's a lost - possible - future. Hope of what you had thought the relationship was going to bring you.

Keep giving yourself reality checks and look this relationship squarely in the face. Enlist the support of your mum (she sounds like a good one!) and other people who do actually want the best for you.

Think about your own future. Why did you start thinking that you'd rather get out to work, instead of going to Uni? What sort of work do you want to do? Think about your dreams for your future; what do you want really?

I do wonder what sort of job you thought you would get in today's market without a degree. And I wonder why you changed your mind about going to Uni; it's the best way of maximising your potential these days, and without a degree you are looking at minimum wage jobs with few prospects. I wonder how much influence your gf had in your preference for getting out there to work.

You really are being abused. She really is abusive. Your horizons are being shrunk every moment you continue with the relationship.

Listen to your mum!

Wiseysdaughter Wed 17-Jul-13 10:24:17

I've heard that you can become addicted to a relationship like this, because you get so used to it you would rather live in a relationship which is horrible than leave and be without them. I'm in no way addicted to it, I'm just convinced that I wouldn't be okay without her.

My DM has said in the past that she wouldn't be surprised if GF cheats on me?… Personally I don't think she would as she is too busy texting me 24-7 making sure I have no time to do anything...

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 17-Jul-13 10:30:54

Your DM sounds very wise, quite lovely and you're so lucky to have her. smile Controlling bullies are all about them. It's an ego-trip for them to have someone on a string. They talk about 'undying love', 'I'd die without you', 'we're soul mates' and so forth but they don't really care about the target. They just want them to say 'how high?' when they say 'jump'.... that's what they get a kick out of. Power. Being ego-trippers they're quite happy to have two or three victims on the go at once. The more the merrier.

pictish Wed 17-Jul-13 10:33:56

You're 18 and the world is only just opening up to you. Of course you'll be okay without her! You'll go on to do all the things you want to do, without explaining yourself all the time, and you'll meet someone else who doesn't text you constantly and keep tabs on your every move, like a fucking keeper!

It is deeply unhealthy. She is deeply unhealthy.

You are not. Live your life girl!!

rockybalboa Wed 17-Jul-13 10:35:47

I don't know what gas lighted means and I'm not gay but I can't see that either of those things really matters. The crux is that your GF sounds like an over bearing controlling bitch and is sucking all your self confidence out of you. You need to get out of this toxic relationship ASAP. You won't be left feeling shit because you do not need that grief in your life and who gives a shiny shit whether she is happy or not. Your happiness should be your number 1 concern and she is NOT making you happy. Get rid and good luck. You will find someone else better for you, I promise.

chipmonkey Wed 17-Jul-13 10:41:39

Actually, your Mum might be right about that. If a person is mistrustful, isn't it because they are projecting how they might behave on to you? Possibly not always but I'd say it's true a lot of the time.

I don't think people get addicted to relationships like this but I do think that a person like this can undermine your self-esteem so that you feel it's all you deserve. And also, you do have to be careful that you don't go from a Grade A abusive relationship to a Grade B abusive relationship just because it seems like an improvement!

pictish Wed 17-Jul-13 10:42:45

No doubt she'll have it that you are responsible for her emotional wellbeing.

She'll die without you. She loves you more than she's ever loved anyone. She's terrified of losing you... she's so so so sorry...yadda yadda....

But it is all about her. Her feelings. Her needs. Her way.

She doesn't love you at all. She just wants someone to own. Someone to drain. Someone to control.

When you love someone, you celebrate what brings them joy and happiness. You celebrate their successes, and encourage them to grow.

When someone wants to consume you, it i not love. It's ownership. Quite quite different.

gamerchick Wed 17-Jul-13 10:45:00

After 8 months you should be still right in to each other stage.. Not trying Desperatly to satisfy an abusive partner.

She'll use her own issues to make you into a shell of a person. It sounds as if she's done a decent job already. You can't help her and you'll make yourself I'll trying to make her happy.

Do yourself and your mental health a favour and block her arse on Facebook afterwards.

Wiseysdaughter Wed 17-Jul-13 10:51:08

It's obvious she doesn't care until I say I am going to leave her. I don't understand what she's doing because I think she shows quite clearly, on purpose, that she doesn't care about me. And then I react and feel shit because my GF doesn't care about me. I confront her and tell her how I feel and she gets angry at me and tells me it's not fair because she does show she cares.

For example, if I go to football training, or I go to the gym, or do something along those lines, instead of what you'd expect and what you'd like to receive after like a text saying 'how was it? did you have a nice time?'… I will get something along the lines of 'Who was there? bet all your friends were there, cool'…

She tries to convince me that I 'make out' she's a dick all the time, when she isn't and she is always telling me to go have fun with my friends… But if I do, she goes mad! I can't win!

pictish Wed 17-Jul-13 10:52:52

You will never win. Never.
And that's the reality of this situation.

She absolutely doesn't want to share you, and she doesn't see why she should. You are hers after all. All hers.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now