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Does this sound like husband is cheating? Or has a drinking problem?

(59 Posts)
HappyRexManningDay Tue 16-Jul-13 22:23:18

Constantly promises he's on his way home on the phone to me, only to turn up stinking drunk hours later. Most often around 1am, sometimes as late as 3am.

This happens maybe 3-4 times a week, always on a week night after work.

I work full time, look after our 2 year old and am almost 9 months pregnant.

Does this sound like he's cheating or maybe a drinking problem?

He's not secretive of his phone or emails, is happy to let me look through them both. i've openly asked him a million times and he denies it, but I don't know what to do a at my wits ends.

We row, have awful awful rows where we say disgusting things to each other, I'm usually crumpled in a heap crying hysterically, the next day he's sorry will never do it again, but by the end of the week he's back to lying and staying out all night til the early hours.
I take care of everything - finances, parenting, every single piece of responsibility I look after. I'm falling apart here doing everything and being constantly let down and lied too.

We can't afford couples counselling and don't know how to fix this.

We love each other and we're both so sad the next day, he's always sorry and hates himself for doing this, but can't seem to stop.

An advice is welcome.

JaceyBee Wed 17-Jul-13 09:43:53

Jeez, he sounds horrendous! How dare he blame you for not getting him help! Can he not hear how much of a total fuckwit that makes him sound? I think he has a huge problem with alcohol and I think you will wear yourself down trying to manage it when he will take no responsibility at all. I think you should ask him to move out, this is not an atmosphere a toddler and baby should have to live in. It will be hard but not impossible, plenty of women do it and do it very well.

He's pretty awful, isn't he.

Dahlen Wed 17-Jul-13 10:32:15

He's an alcoholic. He doesn't have a drink 'problem' at all. He's an alcoholic.

THis sort of behaviour 3-4 times a week, which is badly affecting family life, is classic. It won't be long before he loses his job IMO, as the lack of sleep and effect of spending significant amounts of time drunk will begin to affect his performance.

IME you can plead, bargain, threaten, do whatever you like, and nothing will change until he accepts he's an alcoholic and decides he no longer wants to be. You may be able to help him reach that point sooner rather than later if you stop enabling him, but that's only a may, not a guarantee.

I know you really don't want to hear this while you're in the latter stages of pregnancy and already overwhelmed with responsibilities, but the only sensible solution for you and your DC is to kick out your DH or leave yourself. If you're lucky, the drink may not have addled his thinking too much and he'll realise that it's a straight choice between family and alcohol. If you stay, no matter how unhappy or angry you are, you're enabling him to have both.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Jan45 Wed 17-Jul-13 12:24:34

So what exactly do you get out of this relationship? How can you love someone who clearly prefers the company of anyone else 3-4 times a week, gives you no support whilst pregnant and doesn't help with his child.

Sorry but what does he have to do to make you see that he doesn't give a hoot about you or the children - he thinks he's still a single guy. Any guy going out drinking (wasting money for the family) 3-4 times a week has a problem and I wouldn't be surprised if there are OW on the scene too.

It's ultimatum time, he either acts like a father and partner or he has to go. Saying you love each other is not enough, you also need respect, support and team work in any relationship.

Skillbo Wed 17-Jul-13 12:33:55

Your last post Rex is heartbreaking and i am worried about you given the cramps and his clear inability to put you first. Please call a support service such as Al Anon or Women's Aid who will be able to help you.

I hope today is better but i really think you also need to start putting yourself and your DC first! Even if things can change (and it's not sounding likely at the moment) it's not going to be before you give birth so i would start making some plans.

Have my first ever ((hug))

HappyRexManningDay Wed 17-Jul-13 18:28:18

Thank you all, and thank you skillbo. Felt quite down today and felt pretty teary all day. The craps have comeback this evening, don't know if its stress or heat related or both.

Haven't seen husband since this morning when we argued before leaving the house. His phone is switched off of presumably he's out drinking again.

I actually found a text on his phone when he was asleep last night from a female work colleague who he talks about often. He has said she has recently split up with her boyfriend and although the text seems innocent enough she did a "lol" at the fact he went home to his "heavily pregnant other half" and ended it with three xxx.

Do you think I'm reading too much into it? I felt hurt that he's chosen to spend his spare time and evening/night with this woman instead of me.

And to top it all off a ,ale work colleague told me my new haircut which I thought looked quite nice looked terrible and made me look like a boy.

Wow I'm full of self pity today.

Writing this all out and having someone to talk to makes me feel better at least. Thank you all.

HappyRexManningDay Wed 17-Jul-13 18:28:52

Should rea cramps not craps....at least made me smile reading it back.

PattyPenguin Wed 17-Jul-13 18:43:22

Happy, I'm really rather worried. You said about last night "At this point I was petrified as I genuinely thought i was in labour and had no idea who i would call to look after our toddler while i gave birth."

What will happen if you go into labour this evening? Or any other evening when he's out drinking? Or during the night when he hasn't come home or he's there but he's still bladdered? Who will look after your toddler?

I think you really have to consider other support in the short term, because I don't see how you can rely on him.

In the long term, I think you have to consider whether you can cope with a full-time job, two children and all the responsibiltiies of runnning a home with a man who is worse than no help, he's actually a liability.

Sorry if that sounds a bit brutal, but as I say, your story has got me worried.

TheWysticManker Wed 17-Jul-13 19:20:19

I am so so sorry for you being in this awful position. I can see you dont yet think its as bad as it is, that's because you have become co-dependent and immured to this atrocious behavior.

Realy this is not a way you would treat your worst enemy

He has a very very ad drinking problem. You cannot fix it. You cannot make him understand it IS a problem. You can only take care of yourself and your child(ren)

I wish you luck and strength. Please, talk to people IRL Be honest. You will need their support

joblot Wed 17-Jul-13 20:20:41

I'm not clear what he brings into your life apart from occasional niceness? And more than half the week he's thoughtless unkind and downright mean, even abusive???

Please talk to someone intelligent in real life. You sound I'm afraid to say like a doormat who is putting up with a poor excuse of a partner, and for what? Life's way too short and your kids really don't deserve it either.

Skillbo Wed 17-Jul-13 20:46:27

Evening Rex - hope the craps have died down a bit wink although its a good point around support for when you do go into labour. You need to be concerned with your soon to arrive baby, not how you're getting to the hospital or who will look after your other child.. just madness!

Have you heard anything from him yet?

Do you have family nearby you could decamp to for a few days until you're less worried,tearful & scared (sorry if you've already mentioned this). I just think you need some time to get your head clearer so you can start to make some plans.. if not family, some dear friends who can look out for you! I'm on the south coast if i can help?

I know it's hard but i have two small ones and whilst my H is still involved, you will surprise yourself just what you can accomplish if you have to!

suburbophobe Thu 18-Jul-13 01:10:03

God, you sound amazing with all you do. I'm sorry you're having to go through this.

I think your absolute priority at the moment is to get a birth plan in place. Do you have family/friends who can take care of your toddler when you go into labour?
It's obvious there's no way you can entrust their care to him!

I went into labour at 8 months, I honestly believe due to the stress and violence caused by my then H.

calmingtea Thu 18-Jul-13 06:46:01

OP I think you need to focus less on whether he is cheating on you and more on how badly he treats you. I know how hard it is to accept when you are in the middle on the situation (search here for similar posts, they all are similar), but listen to what everyone here is saying.

He is behaving in a absolutely disgusting way towards you and the children, leaving you extremely vulnerable. I can tell you know, if you detached from him, in time you would have flashbacks to things he did and it would shock you like sharp punches to the pit of your stomach.

Please get yourself support for your birth and tell someone in RL what is going on. Alcoholism thrives on secrecy, and you need to focus on getting support for you - not hiding away. FGS the stress of his behaviour is giving you stomach cramps. ((((hugs))))

JustinBsMum Thu 18-Jul-13 07:04:06

He is a mess, his life is a mess, he is selfish and cruel. You would do him a favour by asking him to leave. You would do your DC a favour by asking him to leave. And on his own he might start on the road to recovery but the present situation is bad for all of you.

Is there someone who can stay with you for a while, DM, Dsis or a friend?

Orchidlady Thu 18-Jul-13 11:26:10

Happy your DH sounds like a horrible selfish man child. So what happens if you do into labour whilst on one of his little piss ups?

HappyRexManningDay Thu 18-Jul-13 22:11:30

Thank you all for the advice and support. Honestly, I'm very worried about going into labour whilst he's out drinking and uncontactable.

We spoke last night and he said he's ashamed on himself, admitted he had a drinking problem amd said it would be for the bes if he stopped going out and knock drinking on the head for a while. He also agreed to make an appointment with th GP.

He apologised for his behaviour but he's done this so many times before.

kittybiscuits Thu 18-Jul-13 22:22:37

Hi rex, you're right to be worried about this. You need a back up plan for when the inevitable happens. Who can you ask? I feel anxious about you being left high and dry. Who will look after your 2 year old and who can be there for you? Please plan something.

So he's thinking maybe he's pushed it a bit too far (again) and he's saying the usual stuff. I'm sure he is ashamed - who wouldn't be - but this sounds to me like a late-in-the day-token-gesture in case you're thinking of booting him out. Maybe you'll have a couple of days of him being nice, then he'll make an excuse to start a fight and fuck off to the pub saying no wonder he drinks cos he has to live with you. Please don't make any appointments for him, or remind him at all. Leave him to it and see if he means it.

How are you doing physically today? Any more cramps? Have you been eating and drinking, and did you get any peace/quiet/rest?

Skillbo Thu 18-Jul-13 22:32:52

You said he's done this all before... what is he going to do differently this time? That lovely saying 'insanity is doing the same things but expecting a different outcome' or something like that!

I am lucky enough not to have shared my life with an alcoholic but have read lots of sad threads on here and the same truth seems to always come out... loss and hitting rock bottom is the only thing that will motivate genuine change and that's why i think it's important that you either ask him to spend some time away or stay with your family for a bit. You can then sort out some cover for your birth and he will realise what he is jeopardising... Perhaps he can then really start to turn it round (and you won't be worrying about labour).

I don't want to doom & gloom you but i will be surprised if he can go from 3/4 nights heavy drinking to nothing without very strong motivation. Losing his family and having to work to get them back could be it!

I hope you are having a calmer night and here's to no more craps till the real thing smile

calmingtea Fri 19-Jul-13 06:44:33

<We spoke last night and he said he's ashamed on himself, admitted he had a drinking problem amd said it would be for the bes if he stopped going out and knock drinking on the head for a while. He also agreed to make an appointment with th GP.

He apologised for his behaviour but he's done this so many times before.>

When I used to hear this I would feel so relieved and happy and think that it was worth sticking around and working on the relationship because finally he admitted it so then we could do something to stop it. It didn't usually last long, either he got smarter at hiding it, or he would play nice for a few days to keep me happy and then do straight back to his old behaviour. It is all part of the rollercoaster of living with an alcoholic. The only way he may stop is by reaching absolute rock bottom, and your H is not there. By the way, I was stupid enough to hear and believe that statement on average twice a month for seven or more years.

Words are cheap and I am sorry to say he has more likely than not told you what you have so wanted to hear again. Thus the merry go around that is alcoholism continues.

There are no guarantees with alcoholism; he could go onto lose everything and still drink afterwards.

You cannot save or rescue him but you can certainly help your own self more. Have you spoken with Al-anon?.

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat Fri 19-Jul-13 14:33:59

I have lived with an alcoholic in my life and it was all exactly like you have described Rex. I second the suggestion that, first things first, you get a plan sorted for the birth that does not involve him, as you cannot guarantee that he will be around when you need him.

I speak as someone who was booked in for a spinal epidural (v bad slipped disc) and "the love of my life" was going to a) take me to the hospital & b) bring me home again (I needed to be with someone for 24 hrs after the op or they wouldn't allow me to be discharged, just in case my legs fell off or something). My mum had died suddenly about 5 days beforehand - not only was he too pissed to take me to the hospital (at 10 in the morning - he'd started drinking before I woke up) - please note that even in this circumstance, when I needed his support the most, he was unable to not prioritise the drink over me - but come discharge time he'd turned his phone off. I had to pretend someone was waiting for me at home so they'd let me out. He turned up 2 days later on the morning of my mum's funeral - pissed.

And do you know what? I thought he loved me - I just couldn't understand how it could be that someone who loved me so much could do that - it took me a long while to truly understand that an alcoholic is not capable of loving anyone while they are in the throes of their addiction. How could he think of me like that? The truth was, he wasn't thinking about me at all - he was just thinking about his next drink.

Sorry, went off on one there but I am trying to show you why you need to start prioritising yourself: he may or he may not start dealing with his alcohol problems, but that is not in your power to effect and as a wise person said above, you can't cure it, you cant change it and you certainly can't control it.

I am so sorry this is happening for you Rex and am sending you much love. Keep talking to us on here.

MysteriousHamster Fri 19-Jul-13 23:22:45

Hi OP,

Sorry going through this. My initial thoughts are 1) he's an alcoholic, 2) can you even trust him to look after your toddler during labour and 3) would you trust him holding a tiny baby? It's a horrible thing to bring up but what if he fell asleep holding him/her on the sofa etc? He's a risk to your children in this current state sad

GladToBeBack Sat 20-Jul-13 00:18:23

Been there, done that - unfortunately sad

It will only get worse - he has no idea that he is addicted to alcohol, that it rules his life, and that it will destroy both your lives, and your children's lives.

the misery, for you, will only intensify

can you afford a nanny?

You need a short term plan before you can start looking at the bigger picture lovely.

Put family members in place for your imminent birth

or friends

do not even think about relying on him - but you know that already....

Stay strong xxxx

GladToBeBack Sat 20-Jul-13 16:35:15

are you OK Rex ?

HappyRexManningDay Sat 20-Jul-13 19:46:26

Hi everyone. Well husband has been (predictably) on great form. Came home ear ly last couple of days, very helpful with toddler etc. the sad bit is this happens a lot, after a massive row about his drinking there is usually up to a week of great supportive behaviour, which is then slowly followed by snappyness, irritability and then episodes of staying out til past midnight - 3am uncontactable drinking, followed by a huge row.

He hasn't mentioned making a doctors appointment since the night after the row. I'm nt sure whether to bring it up or not.

I don't want to be a mug but at the same time I want to give him a chance to prove himself.

Haven't had any cramps or painful episodes but do feel a bit unease withy he situation almost like its to good to be true, and waiting for the next crazy drink induced row.

Is that a negative way to behave? Should I give him the chance to prove himself or have another talk about what he's going to do to address this drink issue going forward?

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