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Everyone mistreats me

(25 Posts)
theendoftheline Tue 16-Jul-13 09:47:55

My ex employers put spyware on the work computer so I led them into a little trap of writing some controversial stuff and waiting for them to show their hand and admit they were spying. Perhaps you can make a diary star?

stargirl04 Tue 16-Jul-13 00:20:25

Hi garlicsmutty - thanks for your advice - it was really helpful and I've started reading those links. I will note everything down.

The situation is complicated slightly by the fact that the boss (psychopath) is the big boss's protege. He thinks she's "efficient". She's quite young considering the position she's in, and has a questionable career pedigree, and I think the root of the problem is that she is insecure.

She's extremely unpopular throughout the company. However, she gets away with it, and survives because she is "the protege".

Secondly, the bullying deputy is the big boss's wife sad. She's not a psycho, at least, but dislikes me, it seems, for whatever reason I know not! And rarely misses an opportunity to treat me with contempt.

She started to criticise me the other day but stopped short when she saw someone sitting next to me who we are both friendly with. Didn't want to reveal her true colours in polite company.....

If I were to pursue this along official avenues by making a formal complaint, it is possible that I might get support - and even a payoff - but because of the relationship of these two women to the big boss, I would never be able to work for that company again. And I have a lot of friends there - it would be sad.

Once again OP. I am so sorry for this thread hijack. I'll leave it and I hope that things start to look up for you soon.

I hope you feel you can "fight back" a bit - you sound a very nice person and unfortunately nice people get taken advantage of in this brutal world.

A good thing that works for me on a social rather than professional level is simply to give the offending parties the cold shoulder: disengage from them; turn your back on them. Your silence and absence will say more than a thousand words ever can.

Best wishes x

garlicsmutty Mon 15-Jul-13 23:23:22

the only thing that made her calm down was to agree with her and apologise. She fits the profile of a psychopath though.

I had a definitely sociopathic boss. My sympathies! Standing up to him was a mistake, as was dignified calm. My advice, such as it is: Keep records (really, do it); Jump when she says jump; Agree with her except when she's trying to catch you out, in which case try and look conspiratorial without saying anything; Take the first opportunity to bring the weight of officialdom upon her, and do it hard; Keep looking for another job; Get a counsellor if she has broken your mojo.

Sociopaths at work commonly have a lapdog character, who is a bit like Dracula's pal Renfield (the one that ate flies.) Mine was a colleague who sat next to me, played friends half the time and mini-me bully the other half. Nasty piece of work. Your other boss is the lapdog. Funny, I was reading an article about this the other day but didn't bookmark it - sorry. Try to keep a friendly distance from the lapdog and also keep detailed records. She'll be easier to unseat than the loon, but if she goes you will be next in line for her position. You don't want it.

I found these helpful:
Bully Online (Tim Field.) Dreadful navigation; fantastic content. Click around!
Assertiveness primer.

Good luck.

stargirl0412 Mon 15-Jul-13 20:39:35

OP, sorry to hijack your thread.

Cogito, have you any tips that could help?

I've tried asking one (of two female) bullying bosses in the department for specific criticisms of my work, to which she gives spurious answers. Which I've defended and said that I think she's being unfair.

It abates for a bit but then returns.

The other boss complained that I hadn't done my work thoroughly enough, when in reality others in the department are much worse than I am. When I did try to defend myself this only enraged her even more, and the only thing that made her calm down was to agree with her and apologise. She fits the profile of a psychopath though.

I'm convinced it's partly a southern middle-class snobbery thing: I'm the only one in the department with a northern accent. And jealousy.

If it continues I'll ask them if they want to continue giving me shifts as I am happy for this work not to continue.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 15-Jul-13 19:32:51

I think, with bosses, the exact same thing applies if they are behaving in a rude or overbearing manner. Think 'The Apprentice'... they know for definite someone's being fired so, rather than be all meek and submissive which will definitely have them packing the Cabin Bag of Shame, they go in fighting and give themselves a chance. IME you're more likely to keep getting a hard time from a boss if you don't stand up to them. And I've worked for some utter bastards.

stargirl0412 Mon 15-Jul-13 18:53:49

Hi OP, I've had trouble with this too - mainly from bosses - and always females. I'm struggling with it at the moment actually.

I like the "Ouch" comment - and "that was rude"/"let me finish".

There is always another fallback: "The way you treat me says far more about you than it says about me".

If certain people don't treat you with respect, then don't engage with them. Distance yourself from them.

All of which is fine with peers.... bosses are a different thing altogether. Anyone got any ideas? (We don't have a HR department).

theendoftheline Mon 15-Jul-13 18:32:32

:D

garlicsmutty Mon 15-Jul-13 18:21:56

Great replies! grin

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 15-Jul-13 18:21:15

OP, if everyone was like you the world would probably be a much nicer place. smile But they're not so, unfortunately, you have to find a way to bare your teeth occasionally. I warn you now that, like garlicsmutty, once you start down the 'tell it like it is' path, it can be hugely addictive and an enormous source of fun. So use the Force wisely young Skywalker.... and watch them quake as you walk by.

theendoftheline Mon 15-Jul-13 18:10:19

Garlic I think I'll try that. I think I'm shocked that a certain type of person would behave in that way because I certainly wouldn't. I'm feeling a little better now thanks everyone I was in tears all afternoon.

garlicsmutty Mon 15-Jul-13 18:06:14

I started off by going "Ouch" when somebody said something mean. It was more for my benefit than anyone else's - I needed to make sure I'd identified the attack correctly, and mark that I'd spotted it.

After about a year - and a lot of Mumsnetting! - I started moving on to "That was rude" and "Let me finish".

Now I'm an awkward old woman grin I don't like; I say so. Don't care if it fucks people off - who needs friends like that anyway?

PS: I'm not nasty while being awkward. Bullies and other fuck-ups may take my response as nasty, but balanced people don't.

Good luck. It feels GREAT when you let someone know they didn't get away with it! x

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 15-Jul-13 18:04:43

Ta-daa! smile

theendoftheline Mon 15-Jul-13 17:58:12

Cogito you've just described me!

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 15-Jul-13 17:53:28

I don't think it's helpful to think in therms of 'victim vibes' because that would be to blame you, the victim, for the behaviour of the aggressors. Bullies are really the ones that should be getting treatment to change their behaviour. Not those they target. What does happen however, is that a lot of bullies will try their luck and, if they don't get a sharp (metaphorical) slap down first time, they'll treat it as an invitation to do it again. If you're a nice person that doesn't like conflict and is reluctant to cause offence, it can be difficult to deliver the convincing slap.

Counselling, assertiveness training, confidence/self-esteem boosting skills... they can all build your resilience.

Sparklysilversequins Mon 15-Jul-13 17:51:59

What was your upbringing like? People with abusive backgrounds tend to attract similar types in future relationships. I got quite assertive after counselling and told members of my family where to go and a few friends. Felt like I was falling out with everyone, then I realised they were all people from a certain time in my life. The ones that came after counselling I never argue with because its a completely different dynamic.

ImperialBlether Mon 15-Jul-13 17:48:52

Why on earth did she call you such a thing?

theendoftheline Mon 15-Jul-13 17:40:40

Thanks I will try counselling. I probably have been bullied alot all my life.

springytato Mon 15-Jul-13 17:27:14

Sorry, I forgot to commiserate with you. Tell the vile cow (bull?) to fuck off to the far side of fuck and then fuck off some more wink

I'm sorry you've had such a hard time. I know how much it hurts (like fuck) xxx

springytato Mon 15-Jul-13 17:25:37

I am not bullied anywhere near the extent etc because of counselling . eg finding out where all this started and why I was accepting it.

springytato Mon 15-Jul-13 17:23:37

If you value yourself then others will, too.

Sounds simple - it's not simple if you've put up with this all your life. Someone somewhere probably drilled into you that you are worth nothing, and deserve treatment like this. Hence your 'oh well'.

If someone spoke to one of your kids like this, would you say 'oh well'? I doubt it. You'd probably fume, or perhaps have a go. Then look after yourself in the same way.

if you have had wall-to-wall bullying all your life (join the club btw) then maybe it's time you saw a counsellor to work out what is going on. I am not bullied anywhere near the extent I was (by my family, friends, work etc). It happens now and again but I am no longer frightened or defeated by it because I know I can do what it takes to protect myself.

There are bullies around, but they don't have to bully you. It's not inevitable.

theendoftheline Mon 15-Jul-13 17:19:35

I think I must give off victim vibes. I don't mean to. sad

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 15-Jul-13 17:03:54

You mean you get bullied. That's not your fault, but you must be very unlucky to meet so many horrible people. Agreeing with the above, always stand up to bullies, assert yourself and don't tolerate poor treatment of any description. If that doesn't work, cut the bully out of your life. 'Oh well' suggests that you think this is your lot to endure. It really isn't.

theendoftheline Mon 15-Jul-13 17:02:19

Thanks.

Well then tell them.
They won't unless you do.
Stop putting up with it. You don't have to.
You are an adult and as such, you can say 'No!'
Everytime anyone says anything pull them up on it and let them know how it is making you feel.
Maybe some counselling or the Freedom Programme at Women's Aid might help you understand why you let people treat you like this.
Be assertive and be strong and don't put up with it any longer.
Your time has come!
Good luck.

theendoftheline Mon 15-Jul-13 16:53:41

Just that really. At work at home family friends. I don't really have any relationships any more because I've been stabbed in the back so many times criticized so much called so many names. A smug mummy called me a child molester today. i'm not one. In fact I hold a professional job working with children. But oh well everyone is horrible to me it's nothing new.

I wonder if any body actually notices they might be hurting my feelings with their lies.

That's all really.

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