Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Letter for husband....(34 Posts)
I'm not sure whether to give this to him or not. I can't have a conversation with him about any of this as it always ends in a row. I am getting sick to death of it though. I am a happy optimistic person and I feel after 12 years I am getting dragged down. I think he suffers from depression, but won't go to the doctors about it. I think what I want to result from this letter is either he changes (not sure how likely this is), or we separate. To be honest, I'm not sure which I would prefer at the moment. Just at the end of my tether with it all.
After our conversation on Friday, which was very upsetting for me, I thought you might have turned a corner. But no, you were still moody, snappy and miserable on Sunday too. I am getting to the end of my tether with you. You are unhappy and contemplating suicide yet you will get no help. You seem to blame me for this. The person who has stood by you as you systematically try and ruin everything we do with your negativity and scathing distain. You are always bad tempered and I am quite frankly, sick of trying to help you. You seem unable to help yourself but expect me to put you and your feelings first and foremost. You have absolutely no respect for me or my feelings and I am sick to death of it. I try to keep the peace by doing everything for you and trying to not get you wound up, but nothing is ever enough. I am fed up with your aggressive outbursts, shouting and carrying on because you think something is not just so. You do nothing in the house, yet have strange expectations about what should have been done and what hasnt been done. You have absolutely no qualms about shouting and screaming in front of your son, which is, despite your protestations, very damaging for a young child. You think only of yourself. You would never put someone elses feelings first. You are extremely selfish and self centred. The overriding thing with you is that it is ALWAYS someone elses fault. You take absolutely no responsibility for your actions. Losing your temper is always my fault as Ive wound you up, the house is a shithole, there are clothes all over etc. etc. You complain about these things but it would never enter your head to do anything about it. You moan and whinge about things, but do nothing about it. You see yourself as some sort of victim, when closer to the truth is that you expect everything handed to you on a plate. The only things you do with any semblance of grace is for your own gratification. You NEVER, EVER think about anyone else. The only time I can remember you actually being nice for a whole day is when you stayed out all night after going out drinking and were clearly feeling guilty. Every other time we do anything, be it shopping or allegedly a nice trip out, you ruin it with your bad moods. Every. Single. Time. I am utterly sick of it. You belittle my paid job and what I get paid for it, yet you seem to forget that I pay over half of my measly £800 per month towards the house. You can earn double that in a day. You have tens of thousands of pounds in the bank, but refuse to pay for anything for the house. I am having to spend ALL of my inheritance on getting essential items for the house as you wont pay for anything that you dont think we need. You think youre the only one that works hard. You seem to forget that you work two days a week more than I do and that is all you do. Yet I manage to work three days a week and do all the childcare, dog walking, cooking, cleaning, gardening, washing and ironing, decorating, yet you have the audacity to say you work hard. I spent all of my PPI money on things for the house as you said we couldnt afford a dining table, despite having thousands in your savings account.
You have absolutely no respect whatsoever for me. It has to change. I am not your skivvy, or nanny, I am your wife and unless things change, I wont be that anymore. Its about time you realised what I actually do to try and keep this family together, and showed some appreciation and respect.
Well done if you've got to here
He's not depressed; he's fed up that his life hasn't turned out how he expected it to (ie with him in the starring role after putting in absolutely no effort) and he is lashing out on anyone he can find.
Life is far, far too short to spend it with people like this. I know you need to be careful rather than hasty, but you must realise he would need a complete personality change to become someone you could be happy with.
if he really is contemplating suicide then you need to just put an ultimatum - get help or leave, i wont be responsible for your suicide.
the rest is a waste of time. he wont listen. he wont change.
I'll be buggered if I'm going to flower things up for him. There isn't anything for him to deny as it's how I feel about a situation, not how he feels he has acted.
good for you btw.
I can't have a conversation with him about any of this as it always ends in a row.
In that case, the relationship is almost certainbly beyond repair, and letters are attempting to paper over Grand Canyon-sized cracks.
TwatinaHat I love your letter. I coulda written it myself a month ago (including that bluff about depression, that excuse lasted about three years). I had 'the chat' with stbxh three weeks ago. I puked a version of your letter out in front of him, in a river of tears and pure anger.
It was amazing. He sat there. And took it.
He has now moved out. I am now me again for the first time in ten long years. I am now the best Mum I have been for ten long years. You owe it to your children. But most of all yourself. Chuck him out. Please get free.
<extends hand for holding>
Apart from the money part (my dh earns a low wage self employed and I earn a bit more) I could have written your post myself this weekend
I am pretty much in exactly the same situation, I started to have it out with him on Friday eve and we haven't spoken since.
I like your letter, I think I need to write a similar one because if I try to talk he'll just deny there's a problem. If you need a hand to hold please dm me. Maybe we can do it together?
Good luck & I'm really thinking of you.
I think that's a fantastic letter. I second the idea of verbalising the contents. I also agree that your husband is unlikely to change. I say this as the daughter of a man who sounds just like your husband. The atmosphere in my parents house depends on the mood my father is in and despite many long honest talks on the part of my mother nothing has ever changed, in fact things have got worse. My mother now thinks she should has left him years ago but has left it too late, due to the emotional blackmail he has inflicted on her for the last 40 years. I'm writing this in the hope that you don't look back in years to come and wish you had left this man. You and your son deserve to live in a happy atmosphere. Your husband may be depressed but he is responsible for his behaviour.
Hi op how's things? Did you give him the letter?
with any luck OP has gone on strike & used the time to consult a good divorce lawyer to discuss 'his' savings
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.