My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

It's a losing battle trying to keep DP happy (housework, kids, work etc)

75 replies

SlugBotherer · 15/07/2013 09:31

God I don't even know where to start but I feel like it's a constant uphill struggle trying to keep my dp happy.
One issue is the house. I've never been houseproud (probably because I've never had a house to be proud of) but we've just bought a beautiful house and I love it so much - I am very proud of it and I constantly clean and tidy it yet DP will always find something I've not done. Like the time I spent all day cleaning the bathrooms, bedrooms, living room, sorting everyone's clothes wash and iron, rearranging the dining room - dp complains that I'd left a medical card on the living room floor. Yesterday it came to a head when dp went in ds's bedroom and found chocolate mashed into the carpet. He had a go at me about it saying I should be monitoring the kids bedrooms and then made some joke about how it was "team slug and ds" going out of our way to wreck HIS house. This upset me because I've always worried that this house is more HIS and we're just living here and he's always maintained its OUR house despite the fact that it's his income that allows us to pay the mortgage so when he said that it kind of confirmed that he does see it as HIS house more than OURS. So he said I should be keeping on top of things and not letting the house become a pigsty - forgetting of course that I'd been out in the garden all day in the scorching heat painting woodwork to make our beloved house look nice - yet he says I don't care about it.

Then he gets on about DS's behaviour saying I have to keep on trying to nurture him and not let him get out of control (he has behavioural issues). I argued that I DO keep a close eye on him and do everything I can with him so he said "yeah well don't just take a back seat and relax now thinking everything is an easy ride now because I'm here, you need to do it too" Shock so hurtful he's basically accusing me of living off him.

I'm a full time nursing student so work 13 hour shifts as well as study for exams and assignments PLUS I've just landed myself flexible hours on the nursing bank to get us some extra money. He's not happy about that either - he says he is but I can tell he isn't.

See in one breathe he's saying we need me to work so that we can afford luxuries, holidays, savings etc - I agree. Yet when I go to work (either placement or paid work) he has a face on saying the housework doesn't get done, we never see each other and the kids are being left to run riot because I'm not around.

I just can't win. I feel like it's a constant struggle to make him happy and nothing I do is ever good enough. His mum seems to appreciate my existence more than he does.

What smarts is that HE leaves his clothes on the bedroom floor, HE leaves his facial hair in the sink, HE leaves mugs lying around - the dining room which he uses as a computer room is a complete and utter TIP with all his stuff lying around. So it's not even as if he is genuinely OCD about tidyness, it seems like he just looks for an excuse to have a go at me or cause an argument.

OP posts:
Report
Fairylea · 15/07/2013 09:35

He is a bully and an arse.

You don't need to change, he does. If he doesn't or won't I feel you'd actually be better on your own... less stress!

Report
Skintorama · 15/07/2013 09:38

He's a cock.

But I'm pretty sure this is you again, and we've all told you 1,000,000,000 times that he's a cock, so you won't listen.

Report
TurnipCake · 15/07/2013 09:38

You are in a relationship with a nasty, bullying, controlling arsehole, of course he wants it to be a losing battle - it keeps you in your place.

Report
AnyaKnowIt · 15/07/2013 09:38

He is setting you up to fail.

He is a twat of the highest quality order

Report
Kiriwawa · 15/07/2013 09:40

LTB

Report
CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/07/2013 09:41

"I just can't win. "

If you can't win it's because he's deliberately setting you up to fail in order to control you. He knows you're the type that wants others to be happy and will try harder and harder in order to make that happen. So he picks holes and criticises your efforts so that, like a hamster on a wheel, he's going you constantly running to get nowhere.

As you're not married I would be very worried about this 'HIS' house business, especially if you were to have enough one day and leave. Are you on the deeds as well as the mortgage? Is it legally the property of both of you?

In short, you're being bullied. I'd encourage you therefore to stand up to him and reject his stupid criticisms, because you'll never make him happy and there's no point trying.

Report
ohforfoxsake · 15/07/2013 09:42

The only changes you need to make are redefining the boundaries of your relationship.

You are not the hired help (he'd probably treat an employee better anyway). Stop doing it all. Explain to him about shared parenting and responsibilities, draw up a list of jobs if necessary, get a cleaner.

Don't put up with it. It stops now and he needs to change, not you.

Report
BartyFottom · 15/07/2013 09:42

He sounds horrible.

How much does he do in the house? And, maybe even more importantly, is it just you who feels you have to 'keep him happy' or does he try and 'keep you happy' too?

I have a feeling that the more you do, the more he will find to criticise.

Report
BartyFottom · 15/07/2013 09:43

Oh yes, I almost forgot: LTB.

Report
LEMisdisappointed · 15/07/2013 09:46

Leave him in HIS house and let him fester - ughhh, he sounds disgusting

Report
MorrisZapp · 15/07/2013 09:47

Why would you choose to be with somebody like this? He is a vile twat.

Report
stainesmassif · 15/07/2013 09:48

What are you looking for with this thread? It's not clear. You're describing ltb behaviour, but haven't asked a question.

Report
colditz · 15/07/2013 09:50

He's a prick. Don't waste your energy trying to keep him happy. If you are the main carer for your son, and named on the mortgage, then for all intents and purposes it is YOUR house regardless of who pays the mortgage, so stop trying to please a man who can't be pleases.

Report
bakingaddict · 15/07/2013 09:54

Life is too short constantly trying to make somebody happy who rejects you

You need to ask what makes you happy? Does that include him at all? What about him makes you happy? Ask yourself these questions and it will put you in a better position to move forward with your life

Report
LadyClariceCannockMonty · 15/07/2013 09:55

He's a wanker. Leave him.

Report
SlugBotherer · 15/07/2013 09:55

I suppose my question is WHY?? Why does he do it? he see's how stressed out I get, he sees how hard I'm working, he sees me trying to get money together for a holiday, he sees me going into school to try and sort out DS yet it's just never good enough.

We went to a family do last weekend where his mum got quite drunk and told me I'd made her son so happy and she was so pleased he met me, she was upset that he late husband never met me as he'd love me and would love how I'd turned her son's life around and she said it's obvious to everyone that we're soul mates and love each other very much - yet I just don't get that vibe from DP. All I get is that I do his head in and I'm just not good enough. If it was up to his mum we'd be married with kids of our own before long - yet he doesn't share that enthusiasm at all. It's so upsetting and lately I've found myself half thinking of a two year plan - if things are no better then or if he doesn't show some interest in genuine commitment (marriage), I'll give up. But can I last two years like this? what if it gets worse? and the house - I'm putting everything I have into it yet deep down I know it's not mine and I'll probably end up having to leave it at some point. I love him - which is why it's so, so difficult

OP posts:
Report
BartyFottom · 15/07/2013 09:58

Why waste another two years?

Report
OctopusPete8 · 15/07/2013 09:59

I think you would be a lot happier. stress free the both of you without him,

how much does this wonderful husband/father do then?

I don't say LTB lightly but do.

Report
CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/07/2013 09:59

"WHY?? Why does he do it?"

To control you. To keep the thought top of your mind 'how can I make DP happy?' rather than what you should be thinking which is 'why does he not care about making me happy?'.

It's manipulation through bullying and it always has to be challenged. I'd be very surprised if he asked you to marry him because, right now, he has exactly what he wants i.e. HIS house with you running yourself ragged like an unpaid servant.

Report
LEMisdisappointed · 15/07/2013 09:59

Why is he like it? Because he is a cunt, thats why

Report
CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/07/2013 10:03

"But can I last two years like this? what if it gets worse?"

It'll get worse if you don't reject it out of hand. All the time he says 'jump' and you say 'how high?' you've no chance and your life will be increasingly miserable. If he says 'jump' and you say 'fuck off'.... you will retain your self-respect and you just might get his respect. But don't hold your breath. This sort don't really care about anyone other than themselves.

Report
MrsOakenshield · 15/07/2013 10:04

he sounds absolutely dreadful. Why does he do it: because he can and he enjoys it. You can't do anything about him enjoying it, but you don't have to put up with it. What is your response when he speaks to you like this?

Report

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

NoComet · 15/07/2013 10:04

Why does he do it?
He wants a house keeper with benefits, not a partner and a friend!

Report
SlugBotherer · 15/07/2013 10:06

he does do a lot around the house but even that sometimes feels like it's more about getting one over on me than about him needing to do stuff. Like he'll say "can you put the dishwasher one whilst I fix the shower?" and I'll say yes - I'll finish whatever I'm doing, go into the kitchen and he'll be putting on the dishwasher with a face on saying "I'll do it, it's ok". If I say "I was just coming to do it" he'll say "I asked you ages ago but you were more interested in the tv" etc - yeah sure I'll do stuff but maybe not INSTANTLY as soon as you ask me to.

Or he'll say "any chance of a cuppa whilst I sort the car out?" and I'll go and make him one - I'll leave the tea bags mashing and pop to toilet or something to come back to him finished off the teas saying something like "I'll make them shall I?" So even when I am doing stuff, he'll make out that I'm not doing it quick enough.

Yes he does do a lot around the house, I'd never accuse him of being crap regarding housework but I do too. Yet I just get called and have the piss took out of me with sarcy comments. A classic yesterday was "Oh, I've just rescued this loaf of bread which was in the living room for some mad reason." I replied "yes, you left it there when you were eating your soup earlier." he didn't know which way to look but do I call him for it or take the piss? course not.

OP posts:
Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.