Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Close friend not coming to my wedding

(61 Posts)

That's it really, I'm pretty devastated, gutted, generally feeling awful about it.

I don't have a big circle of friends (pretty small actually) and her not attending has really hurt sad

She broke the news to me last night - apparently she booked a holiday and 'forgot' the date of my wedding (she regularly uses a diary for work etc and on top of that I posted her a 'save the date' card.) There wasn't really any more discussion about it. I sat there shocked, embarrassed while she explained it had all been paid for and that's that.

I dunno why I'm posting in here really. Sympathy I hope smile I just don't know how to handle it. She says she still wants to come to the hen and will 'still get me a present' (like that's what really matters to me! hmm).

I consider her a really close friend but the feeling obviously isn't mutual.

BettyandDon Sun 14-Jul-13 23:14:02

Almost exactly the same happened to me.

If she is not married maybe she does not get how special a day it is. Or she may be minimising it if she is nowhere close to getting married herself (if she is so inclined and wants that). Or she may not care about you that much hmm.

For me I felt it was the latter unfortunately and have had quite little to do with her since. Some may say petty but I don't care. I just think if someone will not come to your wedding, when will they actually care? You probably wont get a birthday or christmas card. They might not even turn up for your funeral wink

But I do get that weddings seem less important to people who have not had one themselves. We didn't get huge cancellations but the highest proportions were from single friends whom I did think felt slightly too fabulous free and single to come. or sorry I have another party to go to or I want to go away that weekend. It isn't recognised by a lot of people as a once in a lifetime event IME.

EBearhug Sun 14-Jul-13 23:28:52

Not been married, but two of my closest friends this year forgot my birthday, and it really hurt, not even getting a text or something. It was just that I clearly am not as high in their priority lists as they are in mine, and it does hurt. I wasn't expecting them to throw a surprise party or anything. Just a card, or even a text or message on FB. And a wedding is way bigger than a birthday. It's not like she'll be able to do better next year.

And you're right, it's not about presents - I like presents, because I don't get many, and so I really appreciate that people have spent a bit of time and effort on me and thought about me, and that matters more than the actual thing they've given.

I actually said them to say it really hurt, and they've both been hugely apologetic, and we've had some good chats since. Speaking up like that is not something I'd normally do, but I've been seeing a counsellor since my mother died, and when I talked about it, she said, "I bet you just took all the hurt and kept it to yourself, as you usually do, so they're not going to know how upset you are."

I guess your friend probably will go on her holiday, but I think it's still okay to say to her how much it has hurt you. But I don't know your friend, so maybe it's best to let it lie. Only I'm learning I do that too much, so I just don't know.

But I do know how things like that hurt, so I do have sympathy for you.

Susiepineapple2013 Sun 14-Jul-13 23:32:21

She sounds like a mega bitch, it sounds like she knew full when your wedding is, but she ignored this anyways, I wouldn't have time for that sort.

cookielove Sun 14-Jul-13 23:34:49

We had a mix bag of declines for our wedding, some Singletons and couples. Unfortunately it was a very popular date that weekend. We had a great day regardless. Its a shame she'll miss it, but life goes on and I'm sure when it comes to it you'll barely notice she's not there.

TheSecondComing Sun 14-Jul-13 23:35:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BackforGood Sun 14-Jul-13 23:38:40

Some people don't think weddings are quite such as big 'thing' as other people do. Often when you are booking a holiday you are already trying to juggle that many things, I think it can be quite easy to not be able to accommodate all the dates you might like to be able to.
I've missed weddings of friends before, but it doesn't mean they are not my friend, just that they arranged their wedding when I was away.
Some people totally over react. OK, she can't be there on the day, but it doesn't mean you can't continue to be friends.

BackforGood Sun 14-Jul-13 23:39:10

x-posted!

WinkyWinkola Sun 14-Jul-13 23:39:27

Is she envy of you stall do you think?

I mean that is a really bitchy thing to do.

Thanks everyone.

Yes she's married and her whole wedding was huge, massive hen party abroad, another at home and the wedding itself in a lovely hotel.

My wedding is minuscule in comparison. I'm gutted, really really gutted sad I just feel like I mean nothing to her.

PrincessKitKat Sun 14-Jul-13 23:43:29

That's rubbish OP
But as someone already said, you'll have a wonderful day & wont even notice her absence.
Try not to dwell on it too much, but if she does ask 'have I upset you?' tell her how you feel!

TwasBrillig Sun 14-Jul-13 23:44:27

Oh dear - I rarely do cards for friends birthdays, just wasn't a big deal when I was growing up. I do kids birthdays etc but didn't realise I was supposed to do friends. Unless I was going to a meal out or something. Oops.

Numberlock Sun 14-Jul-13 23:44:33

I suggest telling her how you feel then move on. In future, temper the relationship accordingly.

TwasBrillig Sun 14-Jul-13 23:45:11

But yes I would feel sad if a close friend couldn't make a wedding.

WinkyWinkola Sun 14-Jul-13 23:48:49

It is a terrible feeling when friends you valued and cherished just treat you like they don't care. sadsadsad it takes a long time to get over.

I've had a couple of friends in my lifetime do this. It really hurt but I had to distance myself from them after they were so blunt about my huge mistake thinking we were such good friends.

So op, what are you going to do? I don't think you should just be silent about it.

I would calmly tell her that you are really hurt, that this is not what good friends do to each other and that did you make a mistake about your friendship?

Or you could just totally withdraw a d try to get over it in your own time.

TheSecondComing Mon 15-Jul-13 00:07:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GertBySea Mon 15-Jul-13 00:38:33

I'm sure it was an accident. Weekends don't show up in my work diary on Outlook and perhaps it's the same for her.

When I got married I remember being devastated that someone wouldn't stay around a couple of extra days because they were in the UK on home leave from Singapore already that week, but it really didn't matter. We had shared a house for a couple of years and I thought we were close but she just couldn't quite make it work.

I know it's a shame but I don't think you should read too much into it. But as others have said, there's no reason you can't tell her how you feel. You'll have much more time to spend with people at the hen anyway so enjoy each others company then.

trapezegirl Mon 15-Jul-13 00:45:39

I don't think she's a mega bitch. The fact is that other people are never going to be as excited about weddings. And, much as I love a good wedding, I know I'm guilty of getting the save the date or invite or whatever but not getting round to putting it on the calendar for ages. I was bridesmaid for a very close friend and kept forgetting the date of her wedding, not because I don't care but because I'm crap with wedding dates.

It's also possible the holiday thing is an excuse and she actually can't afford to go. I've just made an excuse not to go to a good school friend's wedding as it's at the other end of the country and we just can't afford the petrol, hotel, etc, but wouldn't feel comfortable saying so as it implies we think she's not worth it. You won't spend that much time with each guest anyway. Honestly I think you just need to move past it if she's a good friend otherwise.

I had a good friend miss my wedding, and my hen do I think! I was sad but I got over it and we stayed friends. It is hurtful but if it is genuine mistake and can't be changed I would not allow it to spoil your friendship.

Hope you have a wonderful day.

WafflyVersatile Mon 15-Jul-13 01:02:46

Maybe she just fucked up.

This is exactly the sort of thing I do all the time (well not with weddings, I don't go to them all the time) I try to plan, dismiss dates because they clash, won't fit round work or other people, give up for the meantime then just think 'oh get it booked' and as soon as I do I remember why I dismissed that date before.

It's sad that she won't be there but it will still be a lovely day.

ArabellaBeaumaris Mon 15-Jul-13 07:20:14

Does she have kids?

Our holidays have been this huge balancing act between DC holidays (now she's in school) & DP's work commitments. If a good friend's wedding was in the only period we could take a holiday I might consider the holiday a priority.

I also am capable of forgetting wedding dates. I wouldn't give up on the friendship over this.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 15-Jul-13 07:59:42

At least she had the manners to tell you in advance and (I'm assuming) apologise for the mistake. Does she think you have lots of friends and won't miss one?

throckenholt Mon 15-Jul-13 08:04:33

Don't let it spoil your enjoyment of your day, or your friendship. Take it on face value - she mistakenly forgot the date of your wedding when booking a holiday for her family.

Yama Netherlands Mon 15-Jul-13 08:04:53

A good friend missed my wedding due to circumstances relating to her dh. I was disappointed but I would never hold it against her.

Someone dropped out last minute - now that pissed me off.

orangepudding Mon 15-Jul-13 08:10:53

Maybe it was the only time her and her husband could take off work together. For me a family holiday would come before a friends wedding. Also wedding can be expensive to attend so it also could have been a choice between attending your wedding and going on holiday.

I don't think she's being a bitch, your wedding is not her priority.

I'm sure you will be too busy on the day to notice her absence. Enjoy your wedding day!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now