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Since leaving Dh has been diagnosed with depression. Has anyone been through this or have any advice?

(40 Posts)
feelingvunerable Sun 14-Jul-13 22:18:52

Hi,

Back story:
Myself and dh have been together over 20 years and have always got on like a house on fire. we have 3 dcs

Last yaer he said that he thought something was missing from our relationship but he wasn't sure what.
We discussed things and both made an effort to make it work.

All seemed ok until a few months ago when he announced that he didn't feel right, and wasn't sure if he still wanted to be married. Again he couldn't quite put his finger on what exactly was wrong, but said that if this was all there is to life then he doesn't want to spend his last few days doing this!
I got very frustrated and asked him what the hell he wanted and in the end after a row he said he would leave.

We were both devastated and he immediately begged to come back. I wasn't going to let him come back straight away as i needed to be sure things would work out. He vowed to put me and the kids first and make an effort ,saying that the faults in our marriage were all his. At first everything was great then quite quickly he started behaving in a way that made me feel second best. Going out with friends a lot. Not coming home when he said he would. Cancelling or almost cancelling atrrangements that we had together in favour of seeing mates.
Even when we went out together and I really enjoyed it, he would say is it just an act I'm putting on!

He has veered from you and the kids are my number one priority and I love nothing more than being with you, to: I really don't want to be tied down and want my freedom, without you.

Last week he made the decision to leave. I had booked an appointment at the doctors because I thought that there may be deep issues. The doctor diagnosed depression. She wanted dh to take medication. He didn't want to and left with a very vague plan of cognitive therapy.

This involves such things as walking for 1 hour a day.

I don't think dh will follow this. I have suggested to him to take the medication.
My question is: Is it the depression which has caused him to question whether he wants to be married and would allevaiting the depression bring him back to his former self?

I am asking this because right now I am stuff in a horrific limbo.
Is there any hope for us?
Or is it unlikely that he will not change even if/when the depression goes.

When we are together things are great if this throws any light on things

Thaks for reading all this.

Too many questions which all interact.

He clearly needs to do some work on his mental state. And that don't be easy if he's being difficult about meds and exercise plans.

It's clear that his mental state had had an impact on your relationship- but who can tell what he'll be like after he's come though (hopefully) any treatment.

Tough time for you all, I wish you strength to deal with it.

porridgecarver Sun 14-Jul-13 22:27:05

Sounds a wee bit like my XH, we had bad times, I asked him to leave and he went to the Dr to be told he was depressed. I then felt bad so we stayed together and worked at it, a year down the line he just upped and left for another woman.

Not prob what you want to hear but I would think that there are two seperate issues, his depression and the way he is treating you. If it was "just" depression I would imagine he would be at home more not less, not out with his mates etc, although I am obviously only speaking from my experience of my X depression so I could be wrong

Absolutelylost Sun 14-Jul-13 22:29:44

I have found this a very useful resource!

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/index.html

feelingvunerable Sun 14-Jul-13 22:34:57

I have felt terrible about the whole situation.
I feel as if I have put pressure on dh, demanding to know why he was behaving as he did. Although without me insisting he see the doctor and booking his appointment, he still wouldn't know what the problem was.
I am also concerned that he is staying with a friend rather than here with us. Would he be more likely to pull through if he was here.

I don't want to continue if he doesn't change. it is all totally crap when it used to be good.

bigstrongmama Sun 14-Jul-13 22:36:32

Not the same as your situation, but my stbxh was diagnosed with depression after leaving, and it was clear that he had been depressed for a long time before. He refused treatment as well.

Sounds like you are trying to fix him? That's unlikely to work, he needs to take responsibility for himself. And you can't make anyone do that either!

Feel for you. I hope he sorts himself out, but in the meantime think you need to plan a life without him. Who wants to wait around for a man to change their mind?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 14-Jul-13 22:37:04

I also think there are two separate issues, it's not a straight line cause and effect, and that it's not as simple as if the depression was cured, he'd be fully committed to the marriage. I don't think you put yourself through more limbo therefore, waiting for something that may never happen, because that's demeaning. He steps out as the first move. If he gets treatment for the depression and it's successful, you can weigh up if there's a future. If he decides that going out with mates is the only treatment he needs, the separation becomes permanent.

feelingvunerable Sun 14-Jul-13 22:39:01

I will check out the website, absolutelylost.

Though I have read a lot of "stuff" recently, lots of it I have shared with dh and he has agreed with it but then proceeded not to take heed!

He replied by text that he was busy when I last asked if he would meet me, so I have had no face to face contact with him since Wednesday.
I was upset (not shouting) just very tearful and he was calm and caring.
Then Thursday he sent a text contradicting what he had said on wednesday. I really don't know what to make of it all. It is so very sad.

Lweji Portugal Sun 14-Jul-13 22:41:36

If he is depressed, he should be trying actively to get better. He should take the meds, for example.

You cannot make it for him and you cannot force him to bother about you and the children.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 14-Jul-13 22:42:27

Don't be surprised if you find out there's someone else. All those phrases.. 'I don't know what I want', 'I don't know what's wrong', 'something's missing' etc... are fairly clicheed OW statements. The depression could be a complete coincidence.

Lweji Portugal Sun 14-Jul-13 22:48:08

In any case, was it a gp who made the diagnosis?

A gp would have gone on what you and him said.

I wonder if it is really depression.

Sam100 Sun 14-Jul-13 22:49:56

Take a look at this website here. They also do some good books on amazon. The illness is having an effect on your dh's personality - it is a different version of him and not one that will be apparent when he is well again. But still a version of him that may surface from time to time. The key is both of you understanding that this is just one version and getting past that. The husband you really know is still there - with time and healing he should come back.

Absolutelylost Sun 14-Jul-13 22:51:28

I believed my DH had a severe depressive episode for 6 months around Christmas but he absolutely refused to consider this. Almost impossible for him to admit as a psychiatric nurse by profession. Since he's come out the other side he now agrees that I was right and thinks he was near hospitalisation at one point. It can be a hard thing to disentangle from any other existing marital issues.

feelingvunerable Sun 14-Jul-13 22:54:27

Thanks for the replies.
There are so many issues.
the kids
Finances
how I feel
how long I can/should wait
What if he meets someone else

Very difficult as he wouldn't meet me and hasn't rung.

I made a vow that I wouldn't contact him this weekend as i don't want to beg/hound him.
He has seen the eldest 2 yesterday but not my youngest since Wednmesday. I cannot ring/speak to him as i know I will lose it.
He usually takes ds to football on Monday so I am going to wait and see if he makes contact tomorrow.

There is also the problem of him actually taking the dcs not just so they see him but so I can a bloody break.

I have tried to expalin to him that if this is permanant it won't be like it is now. it will be expensive and he will have to commit to having the dcs overnight.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 14-Jul-13 22:58:45

Even though you're obviously still hoping for some cure and a reconciliation, it wouldn't hurt you at all to take some professional legal and other practical advice on the possibilities open to you. If by 'finances' you mean that he's just gone off, leaving everything in the lurch, and you're worried how to pay the bills day to day, then CAB might be able to help, for example

bbqsummer Sun 14-Jul-13 23:30:53

Sorry, but he's not depressed. He's a knob.

PenelopeQ Mon 15-Jul-13 16:30:34

Feelingvulnerable,
Please visit the website Absolutelylost recommended, or at the least start reading about midlife crisis from somewhere with serious information. That website has a forum also.
BUT do not share the information with your husband!!!
So far this sounds like a classic MLC and MLCers will deny and twist...though some will use MLC as an excuse at first.

Midlife Crisis is a depression and not all depressions look the way we think depression looks. Some look the opposite...not moping, but active. This is more common with men...it's a male style of depression.

feelingvunerable Mon 15-Jul-13 16:47:00

Thanks Penelope.

I have told my boss today who was very understanding.
She has advised me to keep all the doors open which makes sense.

I have text him, he will still be at work so can't talk on phone, asking him to meet me later when it is convenient for him to do so, so that we can have a drink. I want to speak about his depression/midlife crisis. I also need to broach if possible the subject of the kids. At the minute I really cannot bare the thought of cooking a meal every single day. this was bugging me before but seems to be turning into a real issue for me now.

I will try and not put any pressure on him but I need to speak to him and see where emotionally he is and ask if he is addressing his issues.

Like I said i feel in some horrific state of limbo. I'm trying to relax as best I can but have some sort of bind with the kids every single day.
My other problem is that even though I have told a couple of people what I am going through, most of my friends are married with kids and live of their own so aren't free just to skip off to meet me for a drink in a pub.

Usually, when things were good, I would go to an exercise class and dh would take ds to training. As yet I haven't heard back from him so no idea what is happening.

feelingvunerable Mon 15-Jul-13 16:59:17

Just text dd1 who meet my mil and sil today. there wer unaware that dh has left.
I told her to tell the truth if either of them asked.

Still not heard from dh but dd1 has replied saying that instead of catching the bus straight home from where she met her grandma, she has gone back to her house and this means that dh will have to detour after work and opick her up.

Pissed me off. Not her fault but now it is unlikely that he will be back for ds training so i will have to take him, miss my gym class and dh will probably say he is too tired to meet me.

Bloody great.

Sorry to hear you're in such a tough position. I don't know if it's any help but I'm recovering from depression. Started last year. I also started wondering if I was married to the right person. Things got worse. .. Anyhow to cut a long story short in Jan I started treatment for severe depression (meds and counselling) and am now feeling a lot better, and can now realise that it was mostly the depression talking. We do have some issues around communication which we're working on, but it is scary to think how close I came to leaving him and the kids.

Obv it is important for him to accept there is a problem, but if you can, dont give up completely just yet. There are a lot of posters on mumsnet that will say leave, you would prob get some different responses if you posted in mental health.

Good luck and do take care of yourself. Its very hard being with/supporting someone with depression.

feelingvunerable Tue 16-Jul-13 16:28:12

Dh said he had plans last night which made me send a sharpe text back in annoyance.
He has told dd1 that he doesn't have depression, and that all his problems must have been caused by me as he feels much happier away from me!

I am gutted.
I rang him this morning intending to leave a voice mail but he answered his phone.
We spoke calmly as i proposed that he start having the kids for tea 2 nights a week, I don't mind which nights.

I told him that we both deserve a break and need to start to share responsibility.
I also said that there would be less running about for both of us when the kids break up for the holidays.

His response was that he would do it but is skint so cannot afford to take them anywhere. I didn't bite I said that as a last resort he could come here and I would go out.

He is coming to the school play tonight to see dd2.

I feel a lot calmer today, though still upset. Think some stability will help me as all the responsibility seems to have fallen on my shoulders.

feelingvunerable Tue 16-Jul-13 16:31:14

Also he mentioned something concerning ds.

This was an issue which I intended talking to him about last week but again he "wasn't free" to meet me.
Think the penny might have dropped that he does need to start and talk to me.

I left the ball in his court about when it is convenient to speak.

I agree with cogito. Don't be surprised when an other woman turns up on the scene very quickly.
As said, all those lines are classic script lines for someone who is having an affair.

And also what bbqsummersaid - I second that.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 16-Jul-13 16:55:58

"He has told dd1 that he doesn't have depression, and that all his problems must have been caused by me...."

Q.E.D. And yet again, the mental illness card gets strategically played by the unscrupulous cheat.

yamsareyammy Tue 16-Jul-13 17:02:47

He sounds lost, scared , annoyed, knows he is ab it out of control of himself.

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