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Trapped

(33 Posts)
sixensix Sun 14-Jul-13 19:17:01

Have namechanged. I feel so desperate and can't see a way out. My marriage is over but I can't leave it feel so trapped by finances and having to face the reality. Why did I marry such a selfish immature man. I've messed up my whole life and children's. He's used porn and setting sites for years and I have not left because I am so weak. I have no self esteem. I just feel like a broken person.he has taken everything from me and now I have to end the marriage and destroy my family. I have done everything to give my daughters a stable home and he just won't stop.

sixensix Sun 14-Jul-13 19:19:41

Sorry. Don't know what I am expecting from posting. I am so alone and I have no one I can share this with. It is so humiliating. But I am sobbing here and I can't let my children see me. My heart is broken.

Vivacia Sun 14-Jul-13 19:23:57

Listens...

Vivacia Sun 14-Jul-13 19:24:41

You don't have to feel alone. You're not alone. If you want to write, people here will read.

babyhmummy01 Sun 14-Jul-13 19:24:54

offers hand to hold

Vivacia Sun 14-Jul-13 19:26:23

And it's ok to cry. It sounds as though you've done your best for your family. His choices shouldn't humiliate you. Leaving your marriage doesn't mean losing everything.

sixensix Sun 14-Jul-13 19:30:15

Thank you. I used to be scared to leave because I didn't want to be without him but now I don't love him anymore. I'm scared of losing a family my daughter adores him. I don.t want to share my babies. We can barely afford to live together how will Will manage apart? I can't face the reaction of people.

Vivacia Sun 14-Jul-13 19:32:05

Your daughter doesn't need to lose the father she adores. You may have to share your time, but won't she be gaining a happier, healthier mum?

People will respond in all sorts of ways. So, second question, what responses are you dreading? If you list them, we can help you figure out strategies for dealing with them.

sixensix Sun 14-Jul-13 19:43:31

This feels strange to me but one thing I dread is the anger and disgust that other people will direct towards him. Not because I want to protect but I don't have the energy to deal with their emotions too. Is that odd? Also I worry they will pity me and wonder why I put up with it for so long. Oh and the shock. Everyone thinks he is great. Mr nice guy. I don't want to tell people the truth by my mum won't understand that.

What I want is just to be able yo carry on with life just without him. I can't face how it will.impact on lots of things and people around me. Why has he done this? Why can.t he just love us. This will break him too so why do it?

Vivacia Sun 14-Jul-13 19:52:37

Other people's shock is something I can relate to. I found some people (yes dad, I'm looking at you) made it all about them and their sadness. I was too numb to react, so I'm afraid I can't offer any advice on how to deal with that one.

Anger and disgust towards him - can you come up with a reason for the split which either doesn't allocate blame or at least keeps things private?

Pity? I'd be surprised if many voiced this. I think they'll be more surprised at how positive and assertive you're being. I'm not saying to hide your feelings of sadness, but sympathy is different to pity.

Vivacia Sun 14-Jul-13 19:53:18

Actually, I worded that wrong. I don't mean "reason" I mean "short reply".

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 14-Jul-13 20:04:47

"Not because I want to protect but I don't have the energy to deal with their emotions too. Is that odd? "

It's not odd at all. But other people are always going to react when you make a radical change in your life. Whether it's getting married, starting a business, travelling the world or ending a marriage, you'll get all kinds of reactions, good, bad and indifferent. If people are disgusted with him, that's his problem. It's not your responsibility to deal with other people's emotions, it's theirs. If they try to offload on you and you don't want that, you have to stand up to them.

You won't be losing or destroying a family when you reject his porn use and gambling ('setting' sites = betting sites?). You'll be reducing the size of your family and creating a happier one. I doubt a selfish man will want very much responsibility for children so 'sharing' may be limited. In turn, your children will know that you love them above all others and your DD will see you as a strong, courageous, independent role model. Do you have friends and family IRL that you can call on?

For the practical matters of finance and legalities, get the very best advice you can. Solicitors and CAB for example. If he's a gambler you'll probably find that, once you have full control over your income and outgoings, you are much better off than you think.

Good luck

sixensix Sun 14-Jul-13 20:05:19

Keeping it private would be good. My youngest is only 4 months though so think people wouldn't understand us separating right now without a major issue happening. My plan is to wait about a year because then I will be back at work and both ODds will be older. Think it will be easier to say that things were not working between us anymore. I fantasies about winning the lottery so I can escape him. I stop sometimes and can't believe this is my life. How did I get here? It's such a mess.

sixensix Sun 14-Jul-13 20:06:37

Sorry for all the typos. Am on my kindle whilst trying to feed baby.

Vivacia Sun 14-Jul-13 20:11:50

Why don't you get some financial advice? You might learn that you can separate earlier than you thought, and without winning the lottery.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 14-Jul-13 20:12:52

"Why has he done this?"

You described him initially as selfish and immature. People like that are impulsive, irresponsible and stupid... a dangerous combination. They rarely think any further than what feels good right now. Instant gratification. They usually have no care for others and no thought of consequences. If they do give any thought to consequences it's often 'it'll never happen to me', 'no-one will ever find out'... and quickly dismissed. They can't be trusted are unreliable and, as a result, they make terrible partners and parents.

They can be very charming and exciting, mind you. So when you say others think he's great, I quite believe you.

You're making it sound like your life is over - not true! You're just making plans for a happier, healthier future.

Hold your head up, woman - there's nothing to be ashamed of x

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 14-Jul-13 20:18:28

With respect, I think waiting another 12 months is not a good idea. Your confidence is already shot to pieces and another 12 months living with this man could literally make you ill. A 4mo baby won't miss someone they barely know and the sooner your DD is away from Dad 24/7 the sooner she'll acclimatise. If he gambles your money, 12 months could mean there is nothing left to start fresh with.

Hi Six, sorry you are going through this sad

If you don't want to tell people about the 'major issue', perhaps you could have a stock phrase ready, such as 'My H has let me/us down badly, but I'd prefer not to talk about it at the moment' ?

sixensix Sun 14-Jul-13 20:32:21

Thank you to everyone who has taken the tome to reply. When I wrote 'setting' it was a typo. I meant to write sexting. Although he is not gambling our money he does waste it on phone bills.

Cogito you wrote about him not being a good parent and I completely agree with you regarding his lack of responsibility. But he looks after and cares for them ad much as I do and that is mot fake. He loves them. That is why I can't understand his behaviour. He knows it has destroyed us but he won't stop.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 14-Jul-13 20:39:47

You'd walk across hot coals for your children, am I right? He can't even be bothered to switch off his phone or his computer to keep the family together. That's why he's a bad parent.

sixensix Sun 14-Jul-13 20:40:44

Scarlet thank you I could try something like that. It's my mum that most worries me. She will go into panic mode. We are close but she is a negative and judgemental person and it's draining at the best of times. Really feel like I need to break away from all these people that seem to be controlling me in different ways. Wish my dad was here but he died 7 years ago. He was my security and I often wonder if he wad still here would I have left my marriage sooner. Think I would. It's awful living a life controlled by fear.

sixensix Sun 14-Jul-13 20:54:16

Vivacia thank you. I will find out where I stand financially. If I knew I could stay in my home and not have to uproot my daughter it would help. Your words of advice have helped so much. I felt so desperate when I started this thread. Just knowing there are people who will take the time to read and respond is comforting.

Cogito you are absolutely right. Think I have used that exact example. It's hard to accept that he doesn't put them above everything else. That hurts the most. That will be the hardest part to get over.a

murasaki Sun 14-Jul-13 20:56:28

You might be misjudging her. I remember fondly when I finally got the guts to phone the parents to tell them I was getting divorced.

Dad's reaction on the phone 'we don't do divorce in this family'

While I was boggling at this, the line went silent and I heard a few cracking sounds. Then my mum got on the phone.

'sorry about that, your father meant he didn't have any experience of it, you know how he is (I do), are you ok? cue conversation...

She'd taken the handset off him, boshed him on the head a few times, and decided she'd do it better.

Lovely dad and his total inability to say the right thing, and lovely mum.

Vivacia Sun 14-Jul-13 21:24:34

One step at a time sixen, and we're right behind you.

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