Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT: This thread hasn't been posted on for a while.
Husband taken by aliens(105 Posts)
Hi, never posted on here but up in the night again.
My husband and I have been together 10 years, got a 7 yo son and got married in November last year. I was his 1st girlfriend and our son was unplanned but he's amazing dad and I thought we were the perfect family and had everything.
To start from the start, last year I wanted to get married and he agreed. It was more my thing but he seemed quite happy looking at venues, choosing rings etc. The 2 weeks before the wedding he was unbearably short tempered and mean to the point I considered calling it off. He would not explain what was wrong. I decided to put it down to pre wedding nerves and ignored it as best I could. We had a fabulous wedding in Nov 2012 had 3 days honeymoon where we got on great. Xmas was fine, went skiing in Feb had great time. March fine. April fine. I mentioned to him at the start of May that I was feeling that we weren't spending much time together but he said he was quite happy pursuing his own interests and didn't want to stay home watching s##t TV with me. (Not that I had suggested this). I was hurt, cried and sulked for a few days but it blew over. It was about this time he stopped wearing his wedding ring and stopped wanting sex. he seemed to be struggling to maintain stiffness so i decided not to pressure him about it. We went for a long weekend away with our son which was slightly strained but we agreed we all had a good time.
Everything was ok-ish until 3 weeks ago. We were both pursuing our own interests (he's a mans man and plays a lot of sport) but not spending proper time together but I thought I would leave him be. One day I said To him "what are you doing this week" and he said he was busy 5 days out of the next 7. I said "don't you think that's a lot" (I'd like a chance to go out at some point!) and he just said "we're married now, what do you expect?". He's very difficult to talk to, when confronted usually picks up a newspaper, puts subtitles on tv and ignores you, picks up phone etc. over the last 3 weeks we got in a bad situation where every time I tried to speak to him he would refuse to engage but throw out some comment like "I never wanted to get married" "just don't love you" " you're so hard-work/intense" "my feelings have changed". So things were strained but I thought they'd settle down.
He sent an email to me at work asking if I wanted him to leave to which I said no. I kept trying to get him to talk to me but got no-where. About 2 weeks ago he was awake when I got into bed and he instigated sex. The way he kissed me was different than normal, it was passionate but didnt feel intimate. Sex was good but after orgasm I unexpectedly burst into tears through release of emotion. We finished off the job(!) me trying not to cry then he went to sleep and I went downstairs ( upset and not sleepy). The next day he said "you enjoyed sex last night didn't you?" He was like a little kid wanting a pat on the back for maintaining an erection. I said "yes but it did feel like you were using me" he said " you're such hard work" and stormed off! He wasn't interested in why I cried.
Since then we carried on in the same vein, me questioning him, him pushing me away. On Sunday I had had enough and suggested he went to a hotel for 2 nights for space and worked out what he wants. I was clear it was just for space , still loved him and hoped he would come back. He came back but said he still wanted to split.
I had a sort on mini breakdown at this point because all the time this had been going on I couldn't really believe it was happening (we'd been so happy 6 months ago). I'd not slept properly in 2weeks and my weight dropped below 7 stone. I felt i was going insane trying to figure it out. This week on Thursday I checked his phone and found a flirty email where he was inviting a work colleague to a dinner he was supposed to be taking me to, inviting her to "get changed in my room :;". I didn't look at anything else but totally lost it, repeatedly punching him. He didnt retaliate (he's double my weight). He wouldn't tell me what was going on, just begged to be allowed to go to sleep. He said he didnt fancy me anymore. In the end I fell asleep on sofa after large drink. Next day I tried to find out what was going on and it seems they've been having a flirty friendship, drinks after work, lunches etc but I don't seriously believe anything more (but don't know for sure). He went out for a drink with her on Thursday night (work thing), but on Friday he said he'd told her not to come to the dinner (don't know why).
On Friday night while he was out I decided current tactics weren't working and would try just acting normal and telling him he wasn't allowed to just walk away and he had to put some effort in at least until we get back from holiday (go away this week). So everything is friendly but he won't let me touch him, he won't look at me and he's acting like the injured party, probably because I told his mum we weren't getting on and for hitting him. He's insisting on sleeping in spare room "too hot". I suppose I will have to be very strong and brave faced and brazen it out. There might be a chance on holiday to straighten things out but he's never not wanted sex before. He starts new job on 1 sept so I don't have to worry what he's up to with this work friend.
After analysing and tearing myself apart over last 3 weeks I can only conclude that I haven't been paying him enough attention and he's been enjoying someone else giving it instead. I don't know where to go now. I've always kept myself slim and attractive, nice clothes, make-up so I haven't let myself go! If he just doesn't fancy me there's nothing I can do to change it. I need to somehow turn off this mental torture but I wake in the night and puzzle and puzzle trying to work out what to do. I still love him and just want us to go back to being a family. Please help!
I'd suggest you go to relate and ask them to help you split up in order to do the best by your child. All this bollocks can't be good for your DC.
Well we're on holiday in paradise he says he wants to be with me, not her. I'm rebuilding myself, prepared for a split. I was never so low as the day I posted on here. I will be ok either way. X
of course he wants to be with you-while you are on an brilliant holiday and the "real" world is far away he has got caught up in the moment. I think as soon as his feet touch home ground reality will kick in an he will be off quicker than shit if a shovel..And he is shit !!!
I hope l am wrong tho!
So you've won your 'prize' of a man.
Well, it's quite easy in paradise I guess.
Have a great holiday.
I don't suppose you'll ever be able to forget what this toad of a man you're with is capable of.
This thread horrifies me.
I'm with you toad
So he now says he loves her but doesn't want to be with her
So only a little while ago he was telling you he loves another woman and you let him go on holiday with you.
Wow - just wow!
Yep, he sounds like the perfect man!!!!
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
OMG I don't understand, how can you even be in the same room as him after what he has done and now he's in paradise sunning himself. It's not great sex I can assure you, it's desperate, please don't leave me sex, he must be loving it, as for your self esteem, grab it back, don't let him demean you anymore, get strong, you're well rid, they will never last as a couple meeting under those kind of circumstances. Do the right thing for you and your son and move on without him, you'll never get a normal relationship with him, as soon as I started reading your post I realised he was shagging some OW.
I hope this is just knee jerk reactions you are having cos if not, then you seriously need counselling esp on your self worth and self esteem.
This thread is utterly horrifying. Another one who thinks you are trying to behave in a way that you think is strength, kid yourself etc
Please, I urge you to think about your poor son. It isn't splitting up that will harm him the most it is a relationship of the kind you have with your husband and the way you are each dealing with the split/problems.
This is just a relationship with one man.
There are plenty of other men you could be with.
Nobody is worth this.
There is abuse in your relationship. This means it must end.
I can't believe no-one has even mentioned the time he shagged you, knowing you were crying, probably knowing that was as a result of his cold treatment of you. This cold treatment being a punishment for you not being obedient/meek/deferential enough. The affair being the same.
He is a horrible man.
He is not some prize.
Too much abuse has happened and you cannot save the relationship.
It makes it seem as though he is sexually aroused by demeaning you, without it he can't get it up... Scary...
I would not go to counselling or anywhere else with this horrible man.
Also, it is not about being thin, good looking, sexy or wearing nice clothes. Those things, and the controlling behaviour you believe you exhibit are often a sign of the emotional insecurity created within an abusive relationship.
Thanks for your kind and experienced words . We've both been together since kids and have no experience, utterly devastated etc. he's now said he wants to be with us as family but his actions are showing no sign of remorse ( moody if try to talk about what's happened, entitlement attitude, although suggested counselling ) . It's all so confusing but utterly devastated as still think the world of him. Don't know what to do - there's a chance f sorting things out but it seems to be sacrifice everything I'm feeling for the sake of my son
His behaviour suggests to me that he is actually not sorry for the hurt he's caused you.
He's done something wrong and is looking for a way to wriggle out of it and make you the 'bad guy'
Before you discover the affair he had you thinking you where going mad. If you're not careful, he'll do it again.
You need some head space.
Kick him out for a little while to try to make sense of things.
The way you have both handled this is appalling!
He's an absolute cock and you know it.
Get him out until you decide what you want.
I wish I'd asked him to leave when I found out. I was weak. We're still together, he's finally showing remorse. I still love him and it's a happy home on the surface ( son doesn't know) but the hurt is still very deep for me. Some days I'm ok, some I'm not. I'm able to be a decent Mum. I'm ashamed of how broken I was in the summer. (I remember giving my son beans on toast for tea 3 days in a row). I can function at work. Soon I think I'll be ready to end it. (Don't shout at me I've always had rubbish self esteem). I'm still a bit scared of the future and can't imagine life without him. I hate being in this place. I've ended relationships before I don't know why I can't end this one.
Hello, welcome back.
Stop beating yourself up, you did what you thought was right at the time and right for your son. Don't be ashamed at all.
What is right for you now? You have tried, he is allegedly remorseful, you are coping. Super, but where does that leave you?
Life without him, I assure you will be hard but you will cope. You'll have to. But can you imagine life at the other side of all this? Without the OW, without the endless eggshells and wondering? If you can, then make you move when you are good and ready.
If you think it can be salvaged to a place where you are both happy, perhaps now is the time for counselling.
But do what's right for you, we only get one chance.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
shit - ignore my post - i think i have missed a lot of posts!! i am so sorry
little I think you needed some time to come to terms with his betrayal. Not everyone is able to say "fuck you get out" on day one. But now you have to find some strength and ask him to leave REGARDLESS OF WHAT YOU WANT LONG TERM.
Basically there are two options right? Split up/Stay together
Option One: Split Up
To me - his lack of remorse and immature selfishness are almost as bad as the affair. Everything about him - right down to not bothering with condoms - is selfish selfish selfish and for my own sanity I would split up. I could never trust him again and I would always feel like he was there because I had made it easy for him. On this basis I would be asking him to leave sooner rather than later, because the quicker he is gone, the quicker you can start the process of getting over him and recovering from a shit year.
Option Two: Stay Together
As long as he is under that roof having been 'forgiven' having put zero effort into winning you back, he cannot respect you. And if he doesn't respect you, it WILL happen again.
So you need to ask him to leave to give yourself some head space and to give him the fucking wake up call that it doesn't sound like he's had yet.
It doesn't matter where he runs to - even if it's OW - he will be there out of lack of other options, not choice. And frankly, if he does end up there -you need to know that too.
It's going to be really hard, but it really is the only viable option unless you want to end up on this horrible merry-go-round for the entirety of your marriage.
Littlet932, I've been in a situation somewhat similar to yours. One thing I can say, and you actually mentioned it in your last post, is that you seem to have a very low self-esteem. You keep saying that you are the strong one, that you are in control or controlling, but I feel that this is all just a cover up. Your relationship is comes across as extremely unequal, even without the affair. He has his high-powered job and you are left doing all the housework and childcare despite having a job yourself. He does not consider it necessary to explain his behaviour to you. You are not worth of even a stupid excuse for him. Even of a lie to calm you down for a bit. And you are just taking it all in.
Consider why you wanted to get married after 10 years of supposedly happy cohabitation. Were you feeling insecure for a long time and hoping that marriage would somehow raise your significance in his life?
You instincts are right. Of course you are going mad when you are treated like shit. But you've got to get beyond just "going mad" and simply rationally and consciously admit that shit is shit.
You are bending over backwards for a man who does not seem to give a hoot about you. Saying "I love you" just air when it is not backed up by deeds. And I see no deeds here.
Whatever you do, please do not sell yourself short. Demand what is rightfully yours - respect, communication and care. but I don't think this man is going to give you these.
Your first wedding anniversary is this month, what a hell of a way to spend the majority of your first year married . I won't say you were 'weak', back in the summer. You were caught off-guard, you loved him and you were probably in shock still.
H's new job may have taken him away from that particular colleague, is he now working in a monastery or are there women present? I don't see how you can possibly trust him. He's only now showing remorse? He knows he can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the next OW, if her enraged H kicks off and she starts making demands of him.
You can't seriously believe your DS will not have noticed the change in atmosphere between you two.
If you act now it won't be a knee-jerk reaction, it won't matter if you go back on whatever you convinced yourself and him of 3 months' ago. He wasn't satisfied with how life was, he took you for granted and felt entitled to more, every step of the way he only took his own selfish wants into account. Months' later he is still calling the tune, you sound numb and unhappy.
Wow, if I knew he was sleeping with somebody else AND admitted he loved her, I would've taken all his clothes, burned them and thrown him out of the window!
How you can even share a bed with that man let alone have sex!
He'll do it again....
It's so common to think you want to 'fight' right after an affair is found out. Then come the stages - hysterical bonding (sex) thinking you're a great team against the world (her) feeling like you've won - then the scales drop and you actually realise you don't love, trust or respect him anymore. Sadly lots of women feel like it's too late at this point and limp along unhappily. It's not too late.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.