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Husband taken by aliens(105 Posts)
Hi, never posted on here but up in the night again.
My husband and I have been together 10 years, got a 7 yo son and got married in November last year. I was his 1st girlfriend and our son was unplanned but he's amazing dad and I thought we were the perfect family and had everything.
To start from the start, last year I wanted to get married and he agreed. It was more my thing but he seemed quite happy looking at venues, choosing rings etc. The 2 weeks before the wedding he was unbearably short tempered and mean to the point I considered calling it off. He would not explain what was wrong. I decided to put it down to pre wedding nerves and ignored it as best I could. We had a fabulous wedding in Nov 2012 had 3 days honeymoon where we got on great. Xmas was fine, went skiing in Feb had great time. March fine. April fine. I mentioned to him at the start of May that I was feeling that we weren't spending much time together but he said he was quite happy pursuing his own interests and didn't want to stay home watching s##t TV with me. (Not that I had suggested this). I was hurt, cried and sulked for a few days but it blew over. It was about this time he stopped wearing his wedding ring and stopped wanting sex. he seemed to be struggling to maintain stiffness so i decided not to pressure him about it. We went for a long weekend away with our son which was slightly strained but we agreed we all had a good time.
Everything was ok-ish until 3 weeks ago. We were both pursuing our own interests (he's a mans man and plays a lot of sport) but not spending proper time together but I thought I would leave him be. One day I said To him "what are you doing this week" and he said he was busy 5 days out of the next 7. I said "don't you think that's a lot" (I'd like a chance to go out at some point!) and he just said "we're married now, what do you expect?". He's very difficult to talk to, when confronted usually picks up a newspaper, puts subtitles on tv and ignores you, picks up phone etc. over the last 3 weeks we got in a bad situation where every time I tried to speak to him he would refuse to engage but throw out some comment like "I never wanted to get married" "just don't love you" " you're so hard-work/intense" "my feelings have changed". So things were strained but I thought they'd settle down.
He sent an email to me at work asking if I wanted him to leave to which I said no. I kept trying to get him to talk to me but got no-where. About 2 weeks ago he was awake when I got into bed and he instigated sex. The way he kissed me was different than normal, it was passionate but didnt feel intimate. Sex was good but after orgasm I unexpectedly burst into tears through release of emotion. We finished off the job(!) me trying not to cry then he went to sleep and I went downstairs ( upset and not sleepy). The next day he said "you enjoyed sex last night didn't you?" He was like a little kid wanting a pat on the back for maintaining an erection. I said "yes but it did feel like you were using me" he said " you're such hard work" and stormed off! He wasn't interested in why I cried.
Since then we carried on in the same vein, me questioning him, him pushing me away. On Sunday I had had enough and suggested he went to a hotel for 2 nights for space and worked out what he wants. I was clear it was just for space , still loved him and hoped he would come back. He came back but said he still wanted to split.
I had a sort on mini breakdown at this point because all the time this had been going on I couldn't really believe it was happening (we'd been so happy 6 months ago). I'd not slept properly in 2weeks and my weight dropped below 7 stone. I felt i was going insane trying to figure it out. This week on Thursday I checked his phone and found a flirty email where he was inviting a work colleague to a dinner he was supposed to be taking me to, inviting her to "get changed in my room :;". I didn't look at anything else but totally lost it, repeatedly punching him. He didnt retaliate (he's double my weight). He wouldn't tell me what was going on, just begged to be allowed to go to sleep. He said he didnt fancy me anymore. In the end I fell asleep on sofa after large drink. Next day I tried to find out what was going on and it seems they've been having a flirty friendship, drinks after work, lunches etc but I don't seriously believe anything more (but don't know for sure). He went out for a drink with her on Thursday night (work thing), but on Friday he said he'd told her not to come to the dinner (don't know why).
On Friday night while he was out I decided current tactics weren't working and would try just acting normal and telling him he wasn't allowed to just walk away and he had to put some effort in at least until we get back from holiday (go away this week). So everything is friendly but he won't let me touch him, he won't look at me and he's acting like the injured party, probably because I told his mum we weren't getting on and for hitting him. He's insisting on sleeping in spare room "too hot". I suppose I will have to be very strong and brave faced and brazen it out. There might be a chance on holiday to straighten things out but he's never not wanted sex before. He starts new job on 1 sept so I don't have to worry what he's up to with this work friend.
After analysing and tearing myself apart over last 3 weeks I can only conclude that I haven't been paying him enough attention and he's been enjoying someone else giving it instead. I don't know where to go now. I've always kept myself slim and attractive, nice clothes, make-up so I haven't let myself go! If he just doesn't fancy me there's nothing I can do to change it. I need to somehow turn off this mental torture but I wake in the night and puzzle and puzzle trying to work out what to do. I still love him and just want us to go back to being a family. Please help!
Posted to soon...
It's a horrible situation and I feel for you but I think you need to try and accept that there's nothing you can do
Would you consider counselling? Relate can support couples who are separating as much as they can help those who want to stay together.
Ok, you were all right. Dirty git is shagging someone from work. She sounds like a right cow! Showed him the door but he didn't go. Offered to pack his bags. She's got 2 little kids and slept with my husband either side of her wedding and phoned my husband on her wedding night. No idea why he's not gone. I've put champagne in fridge as so happy there's a logical explanation and I'm not nuts! Haven't thrown him out cos that's what he wants just got utter contempt for him. Thanks for your words it was the truth even though no one who knows us can believe it. Peace to all x
Wow Littlet, you've had a heck of a day. Are you sure you're feeling ok?
And if you've not thrown him, what are the arrangements for tonight??
Not throwing him out isn't a way to get peace for all.... Why torture yourself a minute more than you have to?
I think it's because she doesn't want to let him play the martyr Cogito, although who would see him as a victim in this, I really don't know.
I am glad that you found out the truth, as it was obvious from your posts that he was seeing somebody else, as they always start to criticize the wife and tell them that they don't love them any more, because they have feelings for somebody else.
No you are not going crazy, but your husband has cheated on you. You really need to decide what you want to do next, but obviously you have had a huge shock.
Just caught up with your thread OP, really sorry to hear what you're going through. How on earth did you find all this out...?
His behaviour did sound to me like classic OW stuff, but I always hope that its not.
Hope you're ok and that the champagne is nicely chilled
I think I would kick him out. Otherwise you're just playing mind games.
Hope you are alright. How did you find out?
He took our son swimming and I went through our iPad. Found this weird picture of a smashed up kitchen. Then logged onto Skype and saw their sad conversation "want you etc" . Turns out she chucked out her husband and he smashed up house and her. I phoned him and just said "right, I know, just come home and be honest you owe me that". So he did. Told me everything. Sad git thinks he loves her after 5 shags. Pointed out what a shit life he's going to have bringing up 2 kids not his and my life will be ok. Offered to help him pack, told him to go if that's what he wants. He said he was torn between me,her and being on own. We had the most communicative chat ever. He said I'd taken away his masculinity and she let him be a man. I said, ok you're right, I am too controlling, be a man then, go if you want i'll help you. But didnt go. So we drank the champagne I said ok I know what you did, know why you did it lets go to bed. Had great sex. He's asleep now. He still wants to go on holiday. I said well you're right we are incompatible should split, enjoy time left etc. do hols come back I'll help you move out. Welcome to my fucked up, have to be in control life. Enjoyed the sex though. Mumsnet feminists let rip!...
Yeah I know, not healthy. Better move on etc. He is a silly git but very inexperienced and immature. He answered every question I had. He's just a lost little boy. Obv there's no future in it now.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Why don't you let him wake up to the sight of his packed bags?
(I hope you used contraception, better a condom, who knows what he picked up from her)
Yeah I know. Will have my dream hol then sort my life when I get back. He can come on hols, have time with son while I laze around, give me sex when I want it, then he can move out when we get back. Evil controlling bitch I know but alternative is take son on own and do everything myself. At least I know what he's up to. Yes, I know I'm totally controlling.
No, she's on pill apparently they didn't use anything, I need to get to clinic ASAP. Ranted at him about this already cos we had sex before I knew.
You don't seem happy about your plan.
you rock, in a weird fucked up way that I can relate to..................
If I say don't come on holiday then I'll end up whole holiday wondering what he's up to and what I'll come back to and whether they've been in my house etc. I'll help him move when we get back. Yes I know I've got issues I'll see a councillor when dust settles.
How bloody dare he blame you! What a crock of shit that you emasculated him and this somehow forced him to put his dick in another woman. He could at least own up to his own fuck up.
Throw the cunt out and stop listening to his self pitying drivel. He has watched you fall apart and have a near breakdown of his lies, emotional abuse and monstrous selfishness.
Get him out - don't let him think about what he wants. What do you want? Do you really want to be with this douche bag?
oh yeah, sti check, make him go pre hol.
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