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Husband taken by aliens(100 Posts)
Hi, never posted on here but up in the night again.
My husband and I have been together 10 years, got a 7 yo son and got married in November last year. I was his 1st girlfriend and our son was unplanned but he's amazing dad and I thought we were the perfect family and had everything.
To start from the start, last year I wanted to get married and he agreed. It was more my thing but he seemed quite happy looking at venues, choosing rings etc. The 2 weeks before the wedding he was unbearably short tempered and mean to the point I considered calling it off. He would not explain what was wrong. I decided to put it down to pre wedding nerves and ignored it as best I could. We had a fabulous wedding in Nov 2012 had 3 days honeymoon where we got on great. Xmas was fine, went skiing in Feb had great time. March fine. April fine. I mentioned to him at the start of May that I was feeling that we weren't spending much time together but he said he was quite happy pursuing his own interests and didn't want to stay home watching s##t TV with me. (Not that I had suggested this). I was hurt, cried and sulked for a few days but it blew over. It was about this time he stopped wearing his wedding ring and stopped wanting sex. he seemed to be struggling to maintain stiffness so i decided not to pressure him about it. We went for a long weekend away with our son which was slightly strained but we agreed we all had a good time.
Everything was ok-ish until 3 weeks ago. We were both pursuing our own interests (he's a mans man and plays a lot of sport) but not spending proper time together but I thought I would leave him be. One day I said To him "what are you doing this week" and he said he was busy 5 days out of the next 7. I said "don't you think that's a lot" (I'd like a chance to go out at some point!) and he just said "we're married now, what do you expect?". He's very difficult to talk to, when confronted usually picks up a newspaper, puts subtitles on tv and ignores you, picks up phone etc. over the last 3 weeks we got in a bad situation where every time I tried to speak to him he would refuse to engage but throw out some comment like "I never wanted to get married" "just don't love you" " you're so hard-work/intense" "my feelings have changed". So things were strained but I thought they'd settle down.
He sent an email to me at work asking if I wanted him to leave to which I said no. I kept trying to get him to talk to me but got no-where. About 2 weeks ago he was awake when I got into bed and he instigated sex. The way he kissed me was different than normal, it was passionate but didnt feel intimate. Sex was good but after orgasm I unexpectedly burst into tears through release of emotion. We finished off the job(!) me trying not to cry then he went to sleep and I went downstairs ( upset and not sleepy). The next day he said "you enjoyed sex last night didn't you?" He was like a little kid wanting a pat on the back for maintaining an erection. I said "yes but it did feel like you were using me" he said " you're such hard work" and stormed off! He wasn't interested in why I cried.
Since then we carried on in the same vein, me questioning him, him pushing me away. On Sunday I had had enough and suggested he went to a hotel for 2 nights for space and worked out what he wants. I was clear it was just for space , still loved him and hoped he would come back. He came back but said he still wanted to split.
I had a sort on mini breakdown at this point because all the time this had been going on I couldn't really believe it was happening (we'd been so happy 6 months ago). I'd not slept properly in 2weeks and my weight dropped below 7 stone. I felt i was going insane trying to figure it out. This week on Thursday I checked his phone and found a flirty email where he was inviting a work colleague to a dinner he was supposed to be taking me to, inviting her to "get changed in my room :;". I didn't look at anything else but totally lost it, repeatedly punching him. He didnt retaliate (he's double my weight). He wouldn't tell me what was going on, just begged to be allowed to go to sleep. He said he didnt fancy me anymore. In the end I fell asleep on sofa after large drink. Next day I tried to find out what was going on and it seems they've been having a flirty friendship, drinks after work, lunches etc but I don't seriously believe anything more (but don't know for sure). He went out for a drink with her on Thursday night (work thing), but on Friday he said he'd told her not to come to the dinner (don't know why).
On Friday night while he was out I decided current tactics weren't working and would try just acting normal and telling him he wasn't allowed to just walk away and he had to put some effort in at least until we get back from holiday (go away this week). So everything is friendly but he won't let me touch him, he won't look at me and he's acting like the injured party, probably because I told his mum we weren't getting on and for hitting him. He's insisting on sleeping in spare room "too hot". I suppose I will have to be very strong and brave faced and brazen it out. There might be a chance on holiday to straighten things out but he's never not wanted sex before. He starts new job on 1 sept so I don't have to worry what he's up to with this work friend.
After analysing and tearing myself apart over last 3 weeks I can only conclude that I haven't been paying him enough attention and he's been enjoying someone else giving it instead. I don't know where to go now. I've always kept myself slim and attractive, nice clothes, make-up so I haven't let myself go! If he just doesn't fancy me there's nothing I can do to change it. I need to somehow turn off this mental torture but I wake in the night and puzzle and puzzle trying to work out what to do. I still love him and just want us to go back to being a family. Please help!
I think he just doesn't love you any more, and with the abuse in the relationship I think you'd both be better off apart.
I am sorry but you can't make someone love you and it looks like the only option is to split.
It is hard but there is absolutely no point in begging, trying to be the perfect wife etc. Keep your dignity and ask him to move out.
The other thing is, I don't know whether to say this, but the things he was saying and doing in May are part of a classic affair script.
When people tell you what they are/feel, listen to them.
Sadly, I think this is gone. And I think he couldn't make it more clear, except by walking out on you.
You are losing control (punching him) and suffering.
You cannot make him love you.
So, get your life and self respect back and do tell him to leave.
He emotionally checked out of the rerelationship a while ago. I think the only option you bave is to seperate.
I'm sorry you're going through this.
It sounds to me as if work girl hasn't be the first, and perhaps he's been seeing another woman. You need to ask him if he wants this holiday, or if he'd prefer to go it alone from this point. Would he agree to couples counselling?
Have you apologised for repeatedly punching him? It does sound like he has emotionally detached from you and just wants it to be over regardless of whether he has had an affair or not.
Would you stay with him if it was him doing the punching?
Reading your title again, it feels like you are excusing him.
However, he's telling you in every way he can that he doesn't want to be with you.
He's just gutless to actually leave.
(or he's playing up to make you fall in line with taking care of his child, himself and shut up with demands)
Either way, stop trying to fix the unfixable.
He is responsible for what he's doing (it's not aliens or another woman).
Thanks all for your advice. You're probably right it's over. It seems wrong just to give up after such a short time of marriage. He says he does want to come on the holiday. I apologised profusely about hitting ( i am only 5' and 7 st and he is 6ft and 13 st but i know its still not acceptable). We had a short and reasonable chat this morning where I said I had listened to what he said but wasn't going to just let him leave without trying. I said i knew i couldn't hold on to him forever if he wanted to go but we have to try and sort things for our sons sake. I asked him if he had ever cheated and he said no. I suggested we went to see his family on getting back from hols and he agreed. He is very emotionally immature and has always refused to talk about our problems. I feel ready to let him leave after the holiday if that's what he wants. I've had an estate agent round to see the house and I know me and DS will be ok because I have a very flexible managerial job which pays well. I am optimistic that I will meet someone who can love me as I deserve if we split because I am still young and ok looking (if I say so myself!). Thanks for honesty even though its not what I wanted to hear! X
You can't make him love him. You've tried being good, you've tried being sexy and you've tried being violent. You can't make him love you. This reads like a very unhealthy relationship and one of you needs to make the difficult decisions sooner rather than later.
I think you're in for a grim holiday. Unless you're going to the States where there is a chance he'll be abducted by aliens.......
It may be a short marriage but you've been together 10 years.... that's more than a lot of people stay together. Sadly 'not letting him leave without trying' is just the equivalent of grabbing hold of his ankles as he's trying to get out of the door.... it's demeaning. So let him go, take control and retain your self-respect. You can work something out for your DS's sake but it'll be co-parenting from two locations rather than one.
Sorry you've had such a nasty shock.
He's checked out and he's having an affair. That will be the bear bones of the problem. Probably nothing you've done. So sorry. You will get lots of advice on here. Good luck.
He says he doesn't know what he wants. He gave me a hug this morning and said he was making baby steps to sort things. He always throws out random comments in rows then later says he didn't mean it. So ive trained myself not to listen! He hasn't told anyone, except I saw a text to his (male) friend where he said "we're having problems but nothings decided". i phoned said friend for advice (best man at our wedding) and he said "he definitely does love you and you know he would argue black is white"
I think I will keep things friendly until return from hols then just say "go then if you're going". I do want to be amicable with him for ds sake. I think he's too cowardly to just go by himself and wants me to chuck him out. Because he's so difficult to talk to I am going to arrange mediation for when we get back so we can discuss how to arrange things when we split (contact/ financial etc).
We're supposed to be having a family day when he gets back from golf (his idea) apart from sport and work he doesn't really do much else (doesn't have many friends near where we live because he moved to where I was when we met - entirely his idea)
Doesn't help that I'm stubborn too - if someone tells me I can't have something it usually makes me determined to get it. Not good in this situation!
Doesn't help that I'm stubborn too - if someone tells me I can't have something it usually makes me determined to get it. Not good in this situation!
No, definitely not good.
Not for you, your husband or even your child. I'm sure he's picking up on all the bad vibes.
'Doesn't know what he wants' IME either means 'doesn't know who he wants' i.e he's got alternatives he's weighing up ... and 'I do know what I want but I'm too cowardly to tell you' Either way, it invariably means there's someone else in the picture and you're just expected to sit there being friendly and carrying on as if nothing has happened, waiting for this knob of a man to decide if you're worth still being married to or not..... If you let him be in control of your destiny like that, what's left of your self-esteem will be all over the carpet.
There's something unusual about the way you describe him and your relationship, but I can't quite put my finger on it. Could you wilfully be not seeing the true situation? You appear quite critical of him, whilst describing unacceptable behaviour of your own.
He's a coward and wants me to chuck him out. He adores his son and will find it hard. I don't think he's had an affair because he never hides his phone, I always know where he is, always answers when I phone etc. I think he has just fallen out of love with me. He can go but he has to sort it. He will try and blame it on me if I chuck him out so going to play it cool. I'm not going to start finding him somewhere to go. If he wants to go he will and I will wish him good luck.
You can give him a deadline to decide.
And distance yourself in the meantime.
Vivacia - you are right that's why I can't understand it. Yes my behaviour this week was unacceptable but unusual. I normally squash a full time professional job into part time hours, do everything at home (apart from have cleaner, but washing cooking etc) do school runs, organise sons life and ours, book all holidays. He works hard in his professional job and plays golf. He went to a boys school and doesn't understand women. Every time we watch 'girls' I would chuckle and he would go ' I just don't understand this show'. I'm a bit alpha female and probably too strong for him. I'm normally pretty calm and laid back but was driven insane by lack of sleep, emotional connection and not eating this week.
He is having an affair but wants you to end the relationship so it's not viewed as his fault.
Sorry but I think that basically it.
Bags packed by the front door would be my advice.
So he's a coward.... so what? Isn't playing it cool just you being equally cowardly? Is it really so important to you that he leaves of his own volition - i.e get dumped - rather than you assert yourself and end this charade?
Yes I'm being a coward. Marriage means to me making a commitment and working through problems not bail at the 1st sight of trouble. I envisage that if nothing changes over the next few weeks I will put house on market. I do love him, this is out of the blue and I owe it to myself and my son to at least try and resolve it. If I chuck him out now I will never know if it could have been sorted. If he leaves and then changes his mind I won't take him back because I never want to go through this again.
Sorry but I think your clinging on to something that doesn't exsist any more. By making him stay your not making anything better. If he doesn't love you then going on holiday isn't going to fix that and IMO will make it worse
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