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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Struggling with the loss of my mum and my son being adopted

48 replies

StupidMistakes · 12/07/2013 16:11

I cant stop crying i had goodbye contact with my gorgeous ds a week ago and have cremated my mum just over a month ago. my son was always my reason for staying strong and now i have nothing, i just want the pain to end and go away but i know that it wont, it feels like it would just be easier to end it all and done with it and then i wouldnt hurt anymore. I miss them both so much.

OP posts:

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bemybebe · 12/07/2013 16:12

:(

ProperStumped · 12/07/2013 16:12

Why was your son adopted if you don't mind me asking?

ProperStumped · 12/07/2013 16:13

I'm so sorry for your loss. Both of them x

Mama1980 · 12/07/2013 16:14

I'm so sorry for the loss of your mum
If you don't mind me asking why was your son adopted? What is the contact arrangement?

StupidMistakes · 12/07/2013 16:18

Failure to protect, yet another rubbish relationship and my baby got hurt because of it, i admit i wasnt coping, i was struggling but no one was listening. i wont see him again.

OP posts:

Dackyduddles · 12/07/2013 16:21

Grief. They take children and disallow any contact?!
I'm very sorry. Will he be with family?

Can you write to him regularly?

StupidMistakes · 12/07/2013 16:23

I get two letters a year, unfortunately during the court hearing my mother got diagnosed with liver cancer and was given months to live, as she is my only family he is being placed with adopters. I was allowed to see him throughout court proceedings but now hes been found a placement which took just two months for my perfect little angel, i was given one goodnye contact and that was it.

OP posts:

Onetwo34 · 12/07/2013 16:26

What would be the best thing to do for your son now? To make sure that you are ready to be a wonderful presence in his life if / whenever he is ready to ask for it. When he is 18, or 25, or 40. Become a person who can offer him love and security.

ProperStumped · 12/07/2013 16:40

How old is he SM?

I agree with Onetwo, the best you can do for him now is be there when he needs you.

CinnabarRed · 12/07/2013 16:44

OP, you are not alone. You just haven't yet met the people who are waiting to stand by your side. Give them time to find you.

Please don't do anything to hurt yourself more. I know you're hurting now, more than you think you can bear, but hold on. Hold on just a little longer. The Samaritans will listen if you want to talk.

Lilka · 12/07/2013 16:44

I'm sorry for your losses

Coping with your mum's death alongside the court hearings must have been extremely difficult

If you are feeling like going on is too hard, you might want to talk to the Samaritans or another organisation? The Samaritans number is 08457 90 90 90

How would you feel about visiting your GP or somewhere else to ask for counselling? I understand that you may be feeling very wary of health professionals, but it's very hard to go through depression and these experiences without help. You can also try and get counselling to help you deal with relationships. It isn't your fault if your former partners were abusive to you but that's also very hard to cope with.

Mama1980 · 12/07/2013 16:49

He old is your son?
I can't imagine the pain you are in right now but just hang on in there, keep breathing. I agree with onetwo you need to take baby steps and build a life for yourself, be the person you want to be, and be ready for your son if he ever needs you.

Bonsoir · 12/07/2013 16:51

CinnabarRed - your post brought tears to my eyes.

StupidMistakes - hold tight. Good luck.

Dackyduddles · 12/07/2013 16:54

Have you posted in legal? Were you represented properly? I don't know if you 'deserve' him back but there must be support out there I'm not knowledgeable to give. Try them.

Dackyduddles · 12/07/2013 16:55

I can't think of another way to put 'deserve' don't be down hearted at my poor phrasing

BlingLoving · 12/07/2013 16:58

Can they force you to let him be adopted? I imagine they can take him away and foster him, but surely they cannot force adoption? You should talk to someone and get advice as I just don't see how he can be removed permanently, including all contact, and become the actual child of someone else without your permission.

I'm sorry for your loss.

giddywithglee · 12/07/2013 16:59

I agree with Lilka, please speak to someone about how you are feeling, don't go through this on your own.

Chubfuddler · 12/07/2013 17:01

They can with a court order.

Please seek some support op.

maja00 · 12/07/2013 17:06

Bling, of course children can be permanently removed and adopted.

I think some people need to think about what they are posting. If the situation is at the stage where the OP has said goodbye and her child is being adopted then telling her to get legal advice is cruel.

Chubfuddler · 12/07/2013 17:08

I meant emotional support, not legal advice.

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 12/07/2013 17:09

What increadibly difficult circumstances for you - whatever the reason for the adoption

Can you contact social services and ask for some support and counselling? If not, your GP

Lilka · 12/07/2013 17:24

Bling Of course the courts can order a child to be adopted without consent. Nearly all children who are adopted in this country are adopted without consent, it's very rare now to see a relinquished baby.

Generally to everyone, please don't focus on the legal aspects of this unless you know a bit about adoption law and processes. I'm not saying everyone has to be experts or anything but know the very basic facts including the fact that consent isn't necessary. If the placment has been found and contact has stopped, in reality it's over. Yes there are still months of the legal process left, including the last point of appeal, but in reality by this stage the adoption is as good as done.

OP Wishing you all the best and I hope you are able to get some help. Please don't give up - whatever has happened, you deserve to live and your life is precious. If you go now, your son will also lose any opportunity to ever communicate with you. You can write to his new parents and they will give you updates about him. Your letters can provide information that your son might really want to know later on. But having said that...you deserve to get help for your own sake, to build a life because YOU should have a better future, not just for your sons sake.

noisytoys · 12/07/2013 17:52

This post makes me so sad. Biggest unmumsnetty hug OP I can't begin to imagine what you're going through but wanted to be there for you.

Latara · 12/07/2013 18:23

Have another hug from me too.. please hold on and live, concentrate on taking one day at a time.

SodaStreamy · 12/07/2013 18:35

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