Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Feeling unsettled: starting to wonder if new "boyfriend" ; is who he says he is.

(84 Posts)
unsettledpetal Fri 12-Jul-13 02:56:47

I am on match.com and was contacted several weeks ago by a man who works in London but who comes to my city for work once a month (I am in Scotland). He was quite upfront and just said he would like to find someone to spend time with while he's up as he doesn't know anyone. I presumed he was looking for a FWB/FB type thing or maybe just straight forward friendship. He seemed interesting so I decided to meet him, not really expecting anything much to come of it.

Any way, we really hit it off and have met twice since then but have been texting/emailing all day every day (not like me!).

The thing is that he has an interesting past and I'm beginning to wonder if it's a little too interesting. He is only 28 but has had a pretty varied career path. He has been in the navy and the RAF (not as active duty sailor/soldier - he has a scientific/technical background) but also has seemingly done some photography (amateurish but he says he has sold some of his photos), worked in radio, been a poet/lyricist, does stand up comedy in his spare time and also now works for one large multinational company and is about to move on to another. Does this seem like an awful lot to have done by the age of 28 or are Londoners just a breed apart? He also says he owns his own plane but from something he said I suspect he earns around £50,000. Doesn't seem like the kind of money you'd need to buy a plane? But maybe he has money from other sources?

I can't find any trace of him on the internet (should I expect to if he works for a large well known company?) although he says he has 2 names (the one he was born with he has seemingly changed because it was a bit of a mouthful (parents of foreign origin) although I'm not sure if he has changed names officially).

Other than mentioning the plane (small plane - not private jet) he doesn't make out like he is some super wealthy business man - he shares a flat and doesn't talk of a particularly extravagant lifestyle although to be fair we haven't known each other that long and I don't know all that much yet. I'm just feeling like he might be a bit too good to be true.

How should I deal with this? Is there any way I can check anything if I can't find him online? Should I ask him straight out? Feeling unsettled - can anyone give me their opinion please?

unsettledpetal Fri 12-Jul-13 02:59:30

I should mention he also went to University and got a degree which takes away 3 of the years since he would have left school - leaving not so much time for other things? He has been working for the current company for at least 3 years, if not a good bit longer apparently.

Can you ring the company he works for and ask for him by name there?

I would be iffy about all he has said he has done, especially the armed services bit.

wintersdawn Fri 12-Jul-13 03:21:33

most people in their 20's have some form of facebook, linked in etc in their lives. He could be very good with his privacy settings but I'm surprised you can't find anything. If his company is a large one they often have something on their website re employees and photos.
Unfortunately in these type of things your gut is often right.

StupidFlanders Fri 12-Jul-13 03:23:18

Not sure but to be honest my db just started to make good money about that age so it could be a newish thing? Lots of people work for large multinational companies! Could just be answering the phone...

I suspect he's showing off to you and most of its not true or wildly exaggerated. I'd just ask him more details in a light hearted manner.

Bant Fri 12-Jul-13 03:31:41

You could also do a google image search with his online dating profile pictures.

Working for both the Navy and RAF, and a multinational company within 7 years is a bit much - it kind of implies that he flits between things or gets fired

50K isn't enough to be able to buy even a small plane if you're living in London, that'll cover rent and bills with a bit left over for maybe lessons but not to buy a plane.

I'd be suspicious

MooseBeTimeForSpring Fri 12-Jul-13 03:36:29

He might not own the plane outright but might just have a "share" in it.

It also might be possible that he was employed by a company that had a contract with the MoD, hence working for two forces.

FairPhyllis Fri 12-Jul-13 03:45:58

It might be just about possible but the plane thing - hmm - you could buy a small plane for somewhere in the 20-50K region depending on type and condition but it's the running costs that would be tough on a salary like that in London. They would probably be in the region of at least 7-8k+ a year if nothing goes seriously wrong with the plane. If something goes seriously wrong, you could be looking at 20k+ so you really need to have an income that could cope with that. Lots of people do joint own planes though which is cheaper.

The names thing also sounds weird, and I think the key thing here is that instinct is telling you something isn't quite right. A slight question mark over one or two things - OK. Slight question marks over quite a wide range of things - something quite possibly up.

Bant Fri 12-Jul-13 03:47:14

That's possible moose

To be honest though, petal - you live in different countries. Presumably you're doing Online dating to ideally meet someone close to you. One rule of online dating is - trust your gut instinct. He may be everything he says, but if you're only going to see him once a month, is it really worth overriding your worries? I'd say drop him gently, don't mention the weird stuff. Plenty of fish etc etc.

You can spend your time trying to work out if he is who he says he is, or spend that time meeting people who don't ring alarm bells with you.

PoppyAmex Fri 12-Jul-13 05:34:44

It might be family money?

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 12-Jul-13 06:42:41

If you don't believe him, tell him straight rather than doing this cloak and dagger stuff and, if his answers don't stack up, dump his sorry backside. The name change is the red-flag for me. Classic way to cover tracks. There are a lot of fakes on internet dating and, if he's lying about jobs and service records, who knows what else he's lying about. Maybe he has a wife and kids at home in London.

exoticfruits Fri 12-Jul-13 06:50:45

If he has a small plane why doesn't he use it to visit you?

I would expect he is away from home and reinventing himself. I would lead him on- it is very difficult to be consistent when trying to juggle a pack of lies.

exoticfruits Fri 12-Jul-13 06:51:33

If it is true he will be consistent.

I would be very dubious and particularly so with regards to his name changes. You really do not know anything about this man at all and what he is telling you could well all be lies. He could well be trying to suck you in further so you get further drawn in.

Do some digging, see if the RAF and Royal Navy have any record of him anywhere.

Your instincts are telling you that things here do not quite stack up; I would listen to those instincts. Infact I would drop him as of now.

exoticfruits Fri 12-Jul-13 07:02:51

Have you actually got his real name? hmm

Caip Fri 12-Jul-13 07:05:53

DH has a share in a small plane near London. It only cost about £4k and the monthly fee isn't much, eg keeping it at the airfield Etc. It's the fuel which is expensive, I think DH said it would cost about £300 to go to Liverpool so flying to Scotland would cost a lot

Most people in business have a linked in page, especially young high flyer types

Caip Fri 12-Jul-13 07:07:18

and I second what bant says

Vellimetry Fri 12-Jul-13 07:07:31

Photography, poet/lyricist/stand-up performer and working in radio can be done in spare time/while a student. Think you can be a cadet of sorts while a student as well?

I have a friend who owns a small plane and has put in the hours learning to fly it, now can take it out when there's space at the tiny airfield he has it, umm, moored at. Wrong word I know. He was funded by a family member though, as flying is a shared passion for them.

I'd be more surprised at a 28 yr old having no trace of himself online, eg LinkedIn.

Wuxiapian Fri 12-Jul-13 07:09:45

It all, combined, seems a little far-fetched to me.

Very strange to have no Internet history at all. At least either Facebook or LinkedIn would be normal at that age I would expect?

ChasedByBees Fri 12-Jul-13 07:17:09

Only the plane stands out as being a little odd to me but he could have shares in it. I certainly know a lot if people who are similarly high achieving.

* Navy, RAF in a scientific role is a job and he could be seconded from one to the other. He could have entered on a graduate scientific scheme and stayed for two years for example.
* Multinational - bog standard job and not a surprise to have had a few jobs by 28 - people change every 2-3 years sometimes.

* photography (amateurish but he says he has sold some of his photos)- hobby
* worked in radio- hobby
* been a poet/lyricist - hobby
* does stand up comedy in his spare time - hobby

All these are really easy hobbies to get into, particularly at uni with student radio and lots of clubs. It would be standard I think for someone to do all of these at university. Did you not go to uni? That might be why there's a different perspective.

* Plane - unusual hobby. Why not ask to go see it? He must have photos. That would be a fun day out anyway.

ChasedByBees Fri 12-Jul-13 07:20:33

And actually, comedy, radio and poetry/lyricist are all similar - entertaining people through spoken word. I'd be more dubious if the hobbies were massively dissimilar and implied super achiever in all.

exoticfruits Fri 12-Jul-13 07:21:09

If you have a plane, even a share of one, wouldn't London to Scotland be the ideal time to use it?
Suggest visiting him in London and see what reaction you get.

AnyFucker Fri 12-Jul-13 07:21:56

Is one of his names Walter Mitty ?

Vellimetry Fri 12-Jul-13 07:22:52

In a tiny plane you can't easily take on enough fuel to get you from London to Scotland hmm

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now