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Going to be a Grandma, don't know whether to weep for joy or regret

(487 Posts)
GrandmaWeLoveYou Thu 11-Jul-13 19:00:39

Have NC for this.
It's a bolt from the blue.

DS (23) announced yesterday to his Father that his Girlfriend (of 3 years) is pregnant.
DH gave me this news this morning at breakfast.

Both of them are at Uni therefore not financially independant and DH has decided that we will fund them both for next 2 years until DS has qualified.

They've got it all sorted.

It's like history repeating itself only we were financially stable when our happy accident (DS) happened.

I've spoken to DS who said it was an accident. In this day and age accidents don't happen do they?

I don't know whether to jump for joy or cry my eyes out.
They had all the time in the world to have kids.
This is life changing stuff.

Can't help but think they've left it this long (3 months) to tell us because over here that's the cut off for abortion.

My beautiful boy is going to be a father before he's had time to really enjoy life and girlfriend will be a mother at 23 (i find 23 year olds in general lacking the maturity my generation had)

I sound like an awful person i know. I'm sure once the baby's here i'll be overjoyed, but for the moment feel raw and sad.

Please give me reassurance.

awkwardsis Thu 11-Jul-13 19:06:09

I think it's normal to feel a slight regret at the lost opportunity of a carefree youth I suppose. You are allowed to feel disappointed for them I think, but don't dwell in that. I had my dd at 20, at university. I was plenty mature enough, and accidents certainly do happen in this day and age. I'd say offer them all the support you can. My parents turned sir backs on me and I've never really gotten over it. Welcome his girlfriend and their child with open arms. I have no regrets at all a out having my dd and I'm sure they'll cope just fine. Do you really need to fund them though? I carried on with my degree just fine with dd in tow.

AdoraBell Thu 11-Jul-13 19:11:03

I would say they've waited 3 months because the first three months can be the most risky time in most pregnancies. I wonder why you thought of the cut off date for abortion? Having an abortion is a choice for the mother primarily and also the father, not the extended family.

Many, many people start their families in their early twenties, I'm sure they will be okay. I would be frustrated at everything being organized in terms of funding them without including you in your husband's decision, but that is a separate issue to becoming a grandmother.

I'm sure you will come to terms with the situation and that everything will work out.

belatedmaybe Thu 11-Jul-13 19:12:36

We have so many hopes and dreams for our children that them making a massive step away from those is difficult. Take a moment, privately, to grieve the future you dreamt of then put it to bed and celebrate the future they have decided on. 23 is old enough to have properly enjoyed carefree clubbing, over the top drinking and all the things youth brings. They are young but not too young. Congratulations smile

Mama1980 Thu 11-Jul-13 19:13:40

Try not to dwell on it, though I think a pang of regret for them maybe normal. They sound happy together and you say yourself they have a plan. Just support and love them both as much as you can, I'm sure you will. smile
At 24 I began applying for custody of my goddaughter I got it a 25 I was plenty old enough, I'm now 31 with three children and regret nothing I would do exactly the same thing if I had my time again.
And yep accidents definitely do happen my ds1 was conceived despite us using a condom carefully.

CatsAndTheirPizza Thu 11-Jul-13 19:16:06

I am sure there are pros and cons to having children early or late. My old boss was the same sort of age as me, but while I didn't have children until mid thirties, he must have started the same age as your son. Now mid forties, he has a successful career, financial stability and children all grown up - plenty of time to enjoy himself.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GrandmaWeLoveYou Thu 11-Jul-13 19:17:00

We would never ever turn our backs on them, totally out of the question.

As far as funding them goes, they're both doing heavy duty degrees and there's no way they could get bar work etc.

Her parents don't know yet. They're very strict catholics (my son is of another religion).

DH has suggested that we should all be together when they announce the news. That means barbeque here this weekend.........lovely.

Girlfriend's Father will probably slaughter DS.
I'll be piggy in the middle.

GrandmaWeLoveYou Thu 11-Jul-13 19:19:50

They didn't use contraception.....used the rhythmn method!!!!!!

(2 so called intelligent adults)

GrandmaWeLoveYou Thu 11-Jul-13 19:21:42

How they were never caught out before God only knows!
(we gave him "the talk" at 17 in minute detail)

therumoursaretrue Thu 11-Jul-13 19:23:03

Accidents most certainly do happen!

I had DS at 22 while still at uni. DP and I are settled, just signed off on a contract for a house and he has a brilliant job, while I am now fully qualified in a professional field and own a small business.

It might not be what you wanted for your DS but it is his life and they are old enough to make their own decisions. The best thing you can do is what others have said, just support and love them. It sounds like you will do a great job and be a lovely grandmother!

For what it's worth, the worst part of having my DS 'young' was other people's reactions. I watched other people get congratulated on their pregnancies while I just had people asking me if I'd cope and was I 'really' happy. It really hurt me as some people took it upon themselves to treat me like a silly little girl rather than an adult just because I was relatively young and not married. I'm sure your DS and his GF will really appreciate your support.

MissPricklePants Thu 11-Jul-13 19:23:54

I was 23 when I had my planned DD, had just graduated university when I got pregnant. I am now a single parent (nothing to do with age though, ex became abusive.) but having DD has been the making of me! Honestly it will all be fine, congrats on the impending grand child!

GrandmaWeLoveYou Thu 11-Jul-13 19:25:26

DH already talking about my giving up work to look after baby!!!!
He's over the moon, like all men who participated minimally in bringing up under 7's!
(my youngest is 13, i can remember the difficulty of babies and toddlers)

GrandmaWeLoveYou Thu 11-Jul-13 19:27:20

MissPricklePants Thankyou from the bottom of my heart. You're the first person in the world to congratulate me xxx

sillyoldfool Thu 11-Jul-13 19:29:33

I had DD1 'young' in my twenties, if she'd been planned she wouldn't have arrived for at least another decade. I'm so so glad we had her when we did, I've seen so many older mothers struggle with work and lifestyle changes, we'd never really had anything so didn't miss having fancy hols etc. We didn't have a massive mortgage to pay so could muddle by and be far more flexible when she was small. We've gone on to have 2 more, whilst building our careers and they'll all be in school when we're still in our early 30s!
I'm so glad we're not starting now.

I have had a baby this year at 23. Although it is daunting, you do adjust. It's not the end of the world as there are so many different options now, so it's not a death sentence or anything.

Just be there for your son. I am sure when you meet your granddaughter/grandson you'll wonder why you ever had these doubts.

But of course you have them because your son is no longer your baby and that's hard to accept. Your baby having a baby is a big thing.

I wish you all good luck I am sure you'll be a lovely grandmother smile

You and your DH sound very generous/supportive parents which must be wonderful for your DS. My parents are very supportive too, not so much DPs so I know how that goes. But my little girl has all the love in the world in this house.

sillyoldfool Thu 11-Jul-13 19:30:50

Oh and our DDs have ben the making of my dad, he was at work a lot when I was small, now he's enjoys having time to spend with them, it's wonderful.

OldLadyKnowsNothing Thu 11-Jul-13 19:31:11

My ds decided to become a father at 18. I was upset, to say the least, but 4 years on the parents are split but amicable (after some ups and downs) and ds has just started what may turn out to be a fairly well-paid job he enjoys. At least this young couple will have decent qualifications and prospects.

I do know how you feel though. I expressed it rather badly on here (under a different nic) and got badly flamed. blush

noddyholder Thu 11-Jul-13 19:31:20

Every life is a gift Try and enjoy it for what it is and see the bigger picture. He is very lucky to have parents like you smile

ReginaPhilangie Thu 11-Jul-13 19:32:13

I understand how you're feeling, and it's understandable. Once you've gotten over the shock and the grief that he won't have a carefree youth, do be happy for them.

I had dd1 when I was 24, she was planned and I'd been married for 4 years at that point. My DH had DSD when he was 18 and his ex was 19. Although it did mean he had to be sensible from a young age, he was very capable as a father. DSD is now 20.

And of course accidents still happen in this day and age. DD2 was an accident albeit a very happy one, and we were grown ups who'd been married for quite some time.

23 although young is a full grown adult and has been for quite some time.

GrandmaWeLoveYou Thu 11-Jul-13 19:32:22

AdoraBell 3 month cut off point for abortion would probably have been a biggy for GF parents (even though they're all devout and pious, GF's future as a doctor would help them to be hypocrytical)
For us abortion would never ever be an option , but would respect other's right to do it.

therumoursaretrue Thu 11-Jul-13 19:32:54

You and your DH sound excited! Sounds like your grandchild will be very lucky to have you both smile

RNJ3007 Thu 11-Jul-13 19:35:32

Firstly, congratulations. My mother was epically freaked out when I announced we were expecting our first. She was cold and distant until DD got here; as soon as she met her granddaughter, she was in love. It's ok to be upset, but they are adults and they'll find a way to cope.

For what it's worth, I was 23, in a stable relationship, and our daughter was very much wanted. 23 doesn't mean immature, and although we weren't exactly financially stable, we coped.

Here I am at 27, house, mortgage, job, bills paid, a sleeping 4 y.o and a bump due next month, after almost 2 years of trying...

specialsubject Thu 11-Jul-13 19:36:06

well, we all know what you call rhythm method users....clearly those heavy duty degrees are not in biology.

As her parents are likely to give a whole new meaning to the concept of apeshit, I suggest that the proud parents-to-be tell them without you having to be there to listen to the fallout. They can then say that they have your supports.

she should be prepared to be cut off. He had better be prepared to move quickly in case they threaten to cut something off.

please make it a condition of your help that they use real contraception in future, not mythology.

AdoraBell Thu 11-Jul-13 19:37:03

So they used the only method approved of by her religion, as dictated by her parents. It's still not a tragedy even if her parents react badly. Trust me, she's not the first Catholic to have sex without first being married.

Just put your emotional armour on and stand together at the weekend. Good luck.

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