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Help me decide whether to propose to my boyfriend

(8 Posts)
Flyingtree Wed 10-Jul-13 23:17:44

I'm wondering if anyone has ever proposed to their boyfriend and been turned down, and if so, how did you deal with that? Did it harm your relationship at all, did you eventually get married anyway?

I'm beginning to seriously think of proposing to my current boyfriend. I have had this feeling since I first met him that I would marry him, that same feeling I had when I met my children's father that I would have children with him. I have never had either of these feelings about other boyfriends. It's so strong as to be almost a premonition.

I'm 44 and never been married. My boyfriend is the same age and circumstance. He has no children (ex very long term partner had grown up kids and didn't want any more).

Ideally, I'd prefer the romantic notion of a man proposing to me (I've never experienced that), and of course there are practical considerations, which would mean a fairly lengthy engagement first.

Which are: I have two children and my youngest starts Reception this Autumn, which is when I plan to return to work.
I don't live with my boyfriend and I cannot practically see that happening until I am fully established in employment, mostly because I want to share the financial side of things, also because his line of work means either of us could move in with the other (neither property is big enough to accommodate plus his working from home requirements are unusual).

We have only been dating for just over a year, although talked regularly online before that. He is an old family friend, everyone has known him over 20 years.

Shall I just hang fire until I'm more settled in work and so on?
Shall I just bite the bullet and ask him anyway?

PasswordProtected Thu 11-Jul-13 00:05:32

Why do you want to?

Olyphin Thu 11-Jul-13 00:08:07

Well you're technically still in the honeymoon stage of your relationship. I wouldn't propose until your financial situation is sorted, you two have lived together and you are really sure you two are compatible in the daily grind. It's one thing to be together living in separate houses with no stress, no blending of families etc. I think it's when you live together that you really see the person as they are.

Don't think there's anything wrong with a woman proposing to a man mind you! Just think you'd be better off asking later rather than sooner, and you never know, he might end up asking you instead.

deliasmithy Thu 11-Jul-13 08:31:25

What conversations have you had with him about your future and where each of you would like things to get to in the future? What's his view on your relationship and marriage in general?

scarlettsmummy2 Thu 11-Jul-13 09:49:27

You are only with him a year. I think it is a bit soon.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 11-Jul-13 10:13:39

I think, once you actually propose marriage rather than just floating the idea in passing, then you're out on a limb. If he says no I can't see how the relationship would continue because it would be very clear at that point that you wanted different things. I'm also not sure what you gain from marriage here in a practical sense. If you got married and then moved in together, for example, you might find you don't co-habit well as a couple and then it would be very expensive to correct the mistake.

Horse before the cart...?

TobyLerone Thu 11-Jul-13 10:23:44

Don't ask him at least until you have lived together for a while. He really is a boyfriend for now, rather than a 'partner'. You still have very separate lives, but hopefully things will come together more in their own time. You can't force these things.

As for your first question, I can't imagine how a relationship could/would continue if one partner proposed and the other turned them down. Surely it would mean a massive case of "not on the same page at all"?

TiffanyAtBreakfast Thu 11-Jul-13 19:17:23

My DH said that if I had proposed he would have been really sad, as he had been so excited to do it. I know all men aren't the same, but, wait a little longer maybe in case he does it first smile

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