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Oh god. Why did I hit send?

(62 Posts)
chocoreturns Wed 10-Jul-13 10:14:58

I've just sent an email to my ex calling him a useless self-interested prat and an utter dick of a non-resident parent.

WHY did I hit send? Usually I'm so considered and just let it roll off me like so much nonsense. He just makes my blood boil sometimes.

He doesn't want to contribute more than £25 for school uniform for a year, because it should all come from a supermarket and I should know how to budget better.

I don't even care about the money, I knew he wouldn't bother. It's just the selfish, pompous crap he spouts all the time about what a brilliant dad he is, but when it comes to anything that you might reasonably expect two parents to discuss, compromise or agree on, he treats me like a bloody servant/idiot/unpaid childminder of no consequence whatsoever.

I could happily never see him again in my life.

Only another 18 years to go sad

cheeseandpineapple Thu 18-Jul-13 00:31:15

Hi Choco, belated Happy Birthday! Been out of the loop, had to search for your latest thread.

Twunt is still being a Twunt by the looks of things. No change there. You're expecting him to show a glimmer of reasonableness and appreciation. It's impossible for him to do that. He's delusional, a complete sociopathic narcissist and a cheapskate! You've been way up high, in terms of moral high ground, you need to come down from time to time and kick his proverbial arse! Don't make things any easier for him than you need to. I know you try to keep things on an even keel for the boys but sometimes you need to push back and get fired up to make someone back off and realise they need you more than you need them. He needs you. You don't need him. He could drop dead and whilst that would be tough for your boys emotionally because they must love him for being their dad, it would probably make your life a lot easier from a practical perspective. But if something happens to you (touching lots of wood), he's fucked.

It's a horrible morbid subject but have you made a will and arrangements in case something happens to you? Since he's raised it, can you influence him to agree on a guardian if anything happens to you both and get him to put it in his will as that might be in the boys' and your interests? Ultimately neither of you can impose anything on the other so if you think it could get political having the discussion, don't bother addressing with him and just make your own arrangements. Then make a voodoo doll of him and stick pins in it..

You mentioned cards/presents from the kids on your birthday. Not all blokes think of that even if "happily" married. Am surprised at how crap some of them are, kids are more likely to learn about giving if they have a role model. If your children's dad, ex or other won't take on that role then it's something I think mums should actively instil in their kids, particularly for boys to be great future boyfriends/partners at the very least! And I don't mean you encouraging the boys to buy presents for Twunt but they need help buying or making presents for you!

Unfortunately, you can't expect Twunt to help you raise your children as thoughtful, considerate, generous individuals. It's beyond his capability otherwise you wouldn't be in this situation in the first place if he had a shred of decency. Going forward could you enlist the help of your mum and ask her to take the boys shopping to choose gifts for you in future eg for Xmas? You could give her the money and she should tell them what their budget is and let them choose as far as possible, little one may need more direction! It's a good way for them to learn about adding up and budgets. Might also help them get into a ritual which they can keep up for themselves as they get older.

Kids can get so excited about you opening presents which they've chosen or made themselves. As much as we might want a bit of spoiling, it can be lovely for them to go through the preparation stage and get a buzz from it too. I don't think many blokes do this for their wives off their own bat, I've shamelessly had to encourage my lot! But it's paid off, my kids are so excited about what they've given me, really thoughtful simple presents which have made my heart melt.

Straying off course now, dare I ask what happened in the end with TOTGA? Have you been able to maintain the friendship? Anything interesting happening on the personal front generally? I'm being very nosy, feel free to tell me to mind my own beeswax but you've not been updating your blog!

captainmummy Thu 11-Jul-13 13:56:50

Happy Birthday Choco!

And to jayho

flowers

TheTitleSaysItAllReally Thu 11-Jul-13 13:41:26

Choco I can sympathise (and empathise) more than I'm willing to say on here. Every damn morning I wake up and congratulate myself on getting up the gumption to get him to sling his hook smile

Happy birthday. And to you too jayho thanks

chocoreturns Thu 11-Jul-13 12:56:26

thank you all! We're back a bit early from our picnic due to melting in the midday sun. But it was gorgeous. And my amazing neighbour arrived this morning at 10am with flowers and homemade chocolate cake - which almost made me cry! I really am well rid and I'm feeling very loved and lucky today. We're going to hide inside now for a few hours then I may take the kids swimming to cool down, happy days! And happy birthday to you too jayho!

PoppyField Thu 11-Jul-13 11:10:20

Happy Birthday Choco. And have a lovely picnic.xx

lazarusb Thu 11-Jul-13 09:52:55

Happy Birthday flowers

theoriginalandbestrookie Thu 11-Jul-13 09:04:12

I know it's not the Mumsnet way but - Happy Birthday Choco.

As an aside, DS is at private school and they have a fabulous thrift shop with very low prices - dispatched DH off there last night to restock for next term. May be something similar at your DCs school.

Allalonenow Thu 11-Jul-13 08:49:16

thanks wine
Sending you best wishes for a Happy Birthday choco hope you have a lovely day!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 10-Jul-13 23:36:51

wine tonight, best wishes for tomorrow. His Twuntship still dicking about, then? You are so well rid.

laeiou Wed 10-Jul-13 23:18:53

About the card- why not help your DC yourself to make one? Personally I prefer that to one that ex has been involved with.

Scarletohello Wed 10-Jul-13 22:49:18

Oh choco, he sounds like an entitled, selfish arse. Give me your address and I'lll send you a lovely little b day pressie, sounds like you need a treat after dealing with someone like that..!

chocoreturns Wed 10-Jul-13 22:27:55

thanks guys - have asked a couple of other single and fabulous mummies to have a picnic with all the kids in the park for lunch tomorrow, so I'll have a mini party with them smile I know they will all get it as well, and we'll have a great day. I am incredibly lucky to have some amazing RL friends too. I'll raise a glass to MN while I'm there! x

Bang on Choco, and you have the kids, you are the one they want when they are poorly or sad, YOU are the one that can give them the comfort they need. Bollocks to him. YOU are the one being the parent here.

Hope you have a fab birthday, find a way to celebrate your new dawn as part of your day. I'll be thinking of you x

chocoreturns Wed 10-Jul-13 21:37:45

I think you've hit the nail on the head Liza... they don't ask, they don't deserve to know, and we are the ones who are here on a daily basis. I have bent over backwards for a year and a half to include him on a personal daily basis with our children. He's out, he's been out for a long, long time - by his own choice I might add. And now I am over it. Time to accept that the only parent the kids can rely on is me. Anything extra is a bonus for them, and inconsequential for me.

PoppyField Wed 10-Jul-13 21:33:13

Good luck Liza. Keep on going, be strong, be relentless. He is obviously a total shit and not worthy of licking your boots. You are running uphill. Makes me cross. Stay strong is all you can do.

Poppyfield - thank you, but you wouldn't say that if you were here right now as 6 years down the line I'm finally facing the prospect of being in Court for maintenance tomorrow morning.

My ex-cocknose is an arsewipe though, he always will be and he has no bloody idea what happens here on a daily basis and I've learnt that until he bothers to find out he doesn't deserve me sweating over his opinion of me.

skyeskyeskye Wed 10-Jul-13 21:11:35

hi Choco.. your Twunt doesn't get any better does he.... and never will... One thing that came out of my counselling was to accept that you cannot change the way that somebody else behaves

i.e. I cannot make my XH see his DD more than once a fortnight, or make him ring once a week.... It is hard, but when you accept that they are never going to change it removes a bit of stress.

My twunt pays around the CSA mark, and he did agree to pay for half of the school uniform, although he did try to backtrack on it.

What I did was to list everything that I bought, all from supermarkets apart from Clarks school shoes. The shoes alone were £32. You may not be able to get any more out of him, but maybe you could list everything that you buy and send him a copy, just for his information, although it probably won't get you anywhere. I emailed my twunt the spreadsheet and he did cough up half of it. I am going to do the same again this year, as he recently cut his money by £10 a week.

Yes you can get it cheap from supermarkets, but when they need 3 or 4 of everything, it does add up. Add to that PE kit, a decent winter coat, winter boots, trainers, wellies, socks, vests, pants etc and it does all soon mount up. I spent £180 on kitting her out with everything for the whole term, all as cheaply as I could. Since then she has grown like hell and I have had to spend more, which I have not asked him for.

as for your Twunt trying to represent himself in court, well he could make a fatal mistake that would cost him thousands, wouldn't that be a shame grin

regarding guardians etc for the DC, I must admit, that I have appointed my cousin as guardian for my DD and asked that XH do the same if I go before him. He said he would consider it, but never got back to me on it. The guardian has no rights as the NRP would presumably have the DC to bring up, but you can appoint a guardian as somebody to consult over things.

chocoreturns Wed 10-Jul-13 20:53:35

akaWisey, that sounds great - I will take a leaf!

GeekLove Wed 10-Jul-13 20:49:29

If he is representing himself then you don't even have to hand him the rope!

akaWisey Wed 10-Jul-13 19:44:42

yeah, I had all that kind of thing and more post separation choc.

I just ignore his texts, his emails go straight to the trash can, and I still managed to get divorced and a financial settlement without talking to him unless I wanted to - his wants just weren't important.

Agree with the grubby feeling though - the mere thought makes me want to get the bleach out grin.

lazarusb Wed 10-Jul-13 17:02:05

Him representing himself won't go in his favour unless he is trained legally. The law is complex and he may find out in court that he doesn't understand it as well as he thinks he does grin Enjoy that!

chocoreturns Wed 10-Jul-13 14:59:24

thank you hevak smile

hevak Wed 10-Jul-13 14:48:16

Hello Choco, I've been following your threads. Hope the divorce goes through quickly for you smile

My mum's friend paid for her two girls to go to private school (on a teacher's wage) while her arsehole, abusive, cheated on her and left her for the OW XH claimed he couldn't afford to contribute to the school fees (even though he was a financial planner hmm ) - her bloody XH used to boast to people about the top school his DDs were attending, while omitting the fact that he wasn't paying a penny for it! angry

You can bet everyone else knew that their Mum was paying for it all out of her own pocket possibly because my mother told absolutely everyone about this example of his shitty behaviour even though her friend was too dignified to mention it and now the girls are grown up they have very little to do with their father (who can't understand why his DDs don't dote on their "wonderful" father hmm ) - it will all be okay in the end. You have been a star throughout and your boys will always know it! smile

chocoreturns Wed 10-Jul-13 14:33:08

I hear what people are saying about CSA = paying what he is legally due.

That's why I acknowledged that I shouldn't have bothered to ask for more. I do think that there is something wrong with seeing the legal minimum of support that a NRP is obliged to provide for their children as somehow representing exactly what their children need, all of the time, in all circumstances.

I accept that he disagrees with paying for the school, but he is still delighted with our DS going there. As long as I pay for it, which I have agreed to do and accepted 100% is simply the way it's going to be. I guess I made the fatal mistake of thinking he would appreciate something about how hard I'm working to give our kids a decent start, and in some small way he might want to contribute.

There is never going to be anything fair or equitable about the way my family has separated. We aren't ever going to share parenting, or residence or finances wrt our kids. I think my biggest mistake today was forgetting that for long enough to remember how utterly unjust it all feels, resulting in a pretty harsh reminder that this is a 'suck it up' situation.

Thanks to everyone who has been so supportive and reminded me that the kids will thanks me later, because I did need reminding and they are worth it. I would work twice as hard to give them a good start - so that's what I'll focus on. Channel my frustration into being even more determined to show them what they mean to me, and stick two fingers up to him in the process!

bloody twunt.

Ah yes, because he didn't chose the school, he can now opt out of all matters to do with it.

Whether its state or private, a school uniform costs more than £50 a year. He just won't contribute because she wants him too.

Keep your head up choco. He is still full of anger and resentment despite everything going his way - funny that!

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