Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Oh god. Why did I hit send?(62 Posts)
I've just sent an email to my ex calling him a useless self-interested prat and an utter dick of a non-resident parent.
WHY did I hit send? Usually I'm so considered and just let it roll off me like so much nonsense. He just makes my blood boil sometimes.
He doesn't want to contribute more than £25 for school uniform for a year, because it should all come from a supermarket and I should know how to budget better.
I don't even care about the money, I knew he wouldn't bother. It's just the selfish, pompous crap he spouts all the time about what a brilliant dad he is, but when it comes to anything that you might reasonably expect two parents to discuss, compromise or agree on, he treats me like a bloody servant/idiot/unpaid childminder of no consequence whatsoever.
I could happily never see him again in my life.
Only another 18 years to go
Oh dear. I wouldn't worry, perhaps it won't do him any harm to read it?
Is there any way you can reduce contact with him? Get some formal arrangements in place for payments? In this situation I would have said, "great, I'll leave it with you to get everything for £25. Thank you".
Urgh, what a twat.
No harm in letting off a bit of steam sometimes though.
we have a regular contact arrangement and I made a CSA claim, so I guess I should probably not have even bothered asking. In fact, I know I shouldn't have bothered. He thinks he is a bloody saint wrt the kids. We're in the process of getting divorced, finally, and it all just feels shit.
Doesn't help that I am really pissed off with him this week because it's my birthday on Thurs, and while I realise it's not his problem, he's not helped the kids to do anything for me at all. They are too young to do it by themselves. I sorted out a present and card from them for his. It is just another stupid, petty thing that makes me feel like he's making a point - that I'm so inconsequential I don't even merit a card from my kids on my birthday.
He was EA, FA and SA during our marriage so I really am kicking myself for a) giving a flying eff what he does or says and b) giving him any ammunition whatsoever for kicking off.
He's decided to self-represent in our divorce, btw. Too cheap to pay a solicitor. Does anyone know if that's likely to affect things in his favour or not? I feel utterly crap today.
One angry e-mail set against a sustained history of emotional, sexual and financial abuse?.... No. Won't go in his favour at all
I can't prove the abuse though, so it's a he said/she said situation on that front. I feel like I just handed him something with 'unreasonable vindictive ex-wife' written all over it to illustrate his poor, abused and pushed out ex husband display. So cross with myself.
I just feel wiped out and upset. I wish I could wind forwards the tape and it all be over and done with now. It just exhausts me having to deal with him at all.
Thanks for the replies
He IS a useless self interested prat and an utter dick of a non resident parent.
So you told him that- good for you. You're not wrong. Cheap shoes alone cost £20 so the idea that he's doing you a favour is ridiculous.
At least you don't have to live with the fella, now that would be beyond depressing.
Maybe come to an arrangement where he buys shoes/lunch bags/PE kit and you get the rest. Can't squabble over pennies then
Walks like a dick, talks like a dick...I wouldn't worry about it.
It sounds exhausting Choco. What legal advice have you received? Have you considered counselling to support you through the aftermath of the abuse?
"I can't prove the abuse though"
When he said that 25.00 was enough for school uniform for a year was that in an e-mail? To me at least, that would be a little sliver of proof that he was very mean with money and support your case for financial abuse. You never know, he might rise to your angry e-mail and give you a bit more evidence. However, rather than worrying, do talk to your solicitor. I don't think any of this will materially affect the divorce.
If you have a solicitor and he is self repping it won't make a spot of difference to the divorce, it's not something you're going to be ' 'judged' on, like as not it will just go straight through, the Courts aren't interested in making people stay married if they don't want to be.
Honest opinion? (born from a long and protracted divorce and beyond bitter residency battle) who gives a flying fuck about his opinion of you? You certainly shouldn't be giving it headspace, he's done you enough damage already. If he wants to portray himself as a victim that's up to him but he won't earn the respect of anyone, much less his children by doing it instead of getting a grip on his life and his own priorities.
The only difference it makes in Court by the way is that the Judge is likely to overlook slight breaches of etiquette if he makes any, you having a solicitor means that you'll have on the spot legal advice about anything that happens.
oh an euphamism is right, as are you in that he clearly IS a useless self interested prat and an utter dick of a non resident parent.
How old is your kid?
£50 (i.e £25 each) doesn't seem an unreasonably low amount if they're primary school aged and go to a state school.
Probably will need top ups throughout the year to allow for growth spurts, loss, damage etc but you could probably get away with a September outlay of about £60 including Clarks school shoes and supermarket deals on uniform.
Our primary school used to insist on regulation jumpers at £10 each and PE kit with the school logo on which was twice the price of supermarket clothes.
If you can do it all for £60 you are lucky.
Sympathy Choco - I have a very similar ex-H. Doesn't do any harm to vent every now and then. Although, don't be surprised to get some sanctimonious email back, saying your irrational email is exactly the reason he finds you so hard to deal with. This completely side swipes the actual issue of him being a useless tight arse and pushes you on the defensive. I've been there so many times, in the 10 years since ex-H bailed out.
£25 is really tight. One pair of proper school shoes is £30+. Even if you do get all their stuff in the value range at a supermarket, you'd struggle to get everything for £25. You might just about be able to get the essential uniform items, but then you've got sports kit and a coat as well. Quite often you have to get the jumper or tie from the school & that comes at a set price.
Please stop preparing stuff for the DCs to give him on his birthday, Christmas or fathers day. They can do it themselves (if they want to) when they are older.
Choco it's my birthday on Thursday too, I won't get anything either, let's celebrate together
To be honest, I think it's not really about uniform, it's about me having to suffer for my materialism (his opinion is that I am a materialistic grabby woman who can't just make do with whatever the cheapest, crappest thing he can find is. When we were together, these included a broken cot, a car that failed it's MOT for me to drive when out with newborn DS etc etc). So if something could be bought cheaper, he wants to force me to have to choose that one.
Our DS1 is going to a private school this year, the fees (which I can manage) will be entirely up to me as his dad doesn't want anything to do with the costs associated with the school (although before I was able to apply for DS1 to go, he went to see it, had a tour from the head teacher etc and decreed I was 'allowed' to send DS1 there). Even if I get everything from thrift shop it'll be more than his guestimate. I specifically only asked him to contribute to things that would be a cost irrespective of whether DS1 goes to state or private school. I suggested he might like to buy actual items if he doesn't want to give me money, eg shoes.
To be honest, I knew it was a shot in the dark asking him to contribute. It's just bloody exhausting sometimes. I do everything, all the sleepless nights, all the cooking, cleaning, washing, bill paying etc on my own. He has them 2 nights a month and never, ever on his own, always with his gf or mum or sister on hand. But he's a hero if he gets up in the night once blah blah.
So I've had a typical email about how he's not going to contribute anything to school expenses, not even if his salary increases x3, and I shouldn't have asked him because on my head be it that DS1 goes there.
Then he signs off with an extra dose of weird... 'We need to make arrangements in the event of our demise. It would be useful to know who you think should look after the boys if we pop our clogs?'
I mean, wtaf do you even reply to that?
Well, that's half-easy, in the event of his demise doesn't sound like much would change at all.
More sympathy from here Choco my EA controlling arse of a STBXH is still moaning about what I spend and continually accusing me of being a lazy, self-centred unfit mother even though he moved abroad a few months ago! The hypocrisy beggars belief, but he still thinks he is a devoted dad. He's turning into a cliche and still being abusive, albeit from a long way away. I picture him sitting a thousand miles away with a very large megaphone trying to call the shots. I would be fine - like you - if I never saw the twat ever again. And yes, mine has also sacked his solicitor and has been stalling over the divorce for two endless, grinding years now. Everytime we have been near an agreement he has opened up a new battle front or moved goalposts or refused to disclose finances. It goes on and on and sometimes I am just so fed up and exhausted by it. It pisses me off because I know that is how he wants me to feel of course.
LizaTarbucksAuntie you are top. I am so glad there are people like you who know what it's like and have come out the other end, coz when you're in it like me and OP, it feels fucking relentless. And I'm pissed off some more that it takes up so much of my headspace, two years down the effing track. I need that headspace for other stuff now! And it is impossible to be reasonable or civilised when you are dealing with someone who refuses to be either. Vent away OP. Do it here. It's healthier. See? I feel better now.
Happy Birthday for Thursday OP. Ha ha ha MadBusLady you are very funny.
Thank you everyone for your replies - it definitely does make me feel better to vent on here, and I will solemnly promise only to do it here in the future! I would reply to all of you individually but it might get a bit boring, so I'll sum up with yy to sanctimonious reply, and yy to him being a tight arse whose opinion should mean nothing to me.
And jayho yes lets to a MN birthday exchange of and tomorrow! x
oh, and madbuslady you are absolutely right!! tempting to say it, but I won't!
Btw - I love the idea that he talks about 'if WE pop our clogs'... like you're ever going to do anything with him ever again... let alone dying.
I think using that 'we' pronoun is pretty cloying. Does he do that a lot...it sort of drags you in mentally. It's all 'you, you, you' when it comes to coping and paying for stuff, but suddenly its 'we' when it comes to dying. Does he want you to get the violin out. Is this his last card? 'Just imagine if I died? Ooh you'd be sad then wouldn't you?' Er, nope!
Ugh. yep, sanctimonious reply about how he's capable of keeping his opinion to himself.
Well, he doesn't keep it to himself does he? His disrespect for me shows in every little thing that he does.
I feel like I need a cleansing shower when he comes even slightly near me.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.