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to go out when my dh's family visit?

(63 Posts)
goldwrapped Tue 09-Jul-13 22:17:12

To cut along story short, I really can't be doing with my dh's family. They're all really hard work for a variety of reasons - there were (legal) intermarriages which didn't work so they all fell out; Aspergers is rife; they're all basically not people I'd choose to spend time with.
At our wedding last year his family barely spoke to me and were rude to my family. We'd arranged the whole day around dh's brother flying over for it but in the end he didn't come. Didn't even send a card ....
Three years ago said bil and sil came to stay with us for a few days, to spend time with his kids who still live in the uk. Dh arranged for lots of his family to join them all here. I would come home from work and the house was completely trashed, not a clean cup or plate anywhere, remnants of food fights up the walls, all our food eaten, filthy toilets, dirty clothes on the floor .... We went out to eat at our expense (we're heavily in debt, they're loaded) They left to spend 2 weeks in 5* luxury in the Maldives. Sil didn't lift a finger the whole time she was here and I haven't heard for either of them since.
And now dh is arranging another get together for them, here, in 3 weeks time. Bil and sil have asked to be booked in to a local hotel (maximum £100/night, bil stated), leaving his 3 dysfunctional kids staying with us. Dh has invited another 20 or so of his family here to eat/stay.
So am I being unreasonable to not want to be here? I can understand him wanting to see his family, I'm not suggesting he shouldn't invite them, but I don't feel able to be polite to them after all that has happened ... Much better that I go elsewhere for the weekend so he can enjoy them? He says I'm being rude, but I think it's preferable to what I'm likely to day to them if I stay put ....

I'd just go out. Even if you waited for them to arrive, said hello and then went. Don't feel uncomfortable in your own home, why should you?

TalkativeJim Tue 09-Jul-13 22:22:11

YANBU.

Yes, it's rude. When your DH says that next, just reply - 'Well yes. I thought that was standard practice as far as they're concerned? You know, act like rude boors? I thought I was well ahead actually, at least I'm not actively trashing their home and spending their money whilst acting like a pig.'

Book your weekend away now!!

mummydarkling Tue 09-Jul-13 22:22:30

Tell them you have a diverting commitment. .....what a rum lot they are. IRL you may have to endure this.

CloudsAndTrees Tue 09-Jul-13 22:22:37

If it weren't for this

'Aspergers is rife; they're all basically not people I'd choose to spend time with.'

I'd say YANBU. His family sound horrible, but that makes you sound quite horrible too.

raffle Tue 09-Jul-13 22:24:35

What clouds said

pictish Tue 09-Jul-13 22:28:23

Um...well...I think the Aspergers comment was a bit rough there tbh....you might find you'll need a tin hat soon.
In more practical terms, I'd like to say I'd take off...but I probably wouldn't...I'd stay and suffer for my dh's sake.

Onesleeptillwembley Tue 09-Jul-13 22:28:31

YABVVU. What you actually need to do is put your foot down and say 'no'.

goldwrapped Tue 09-Jul-13 22:30:32

Clouds, please don't take that comment out of context as you did in your reply ... If you re-read you'll see that it isn't due to the AS that I don't want to spend time with them. It just adds to making things difficult.
To give an example, for clarity, last time they stayed one of bil's sons took apart 10 old computers (dh is an it consultant, we don't live in a scrap yard!) and lined up all 64736254 components of said computers in straight lines.....

raisah Tue 09-Jul-13 22:57:46

Can you & your dh stay in the hotel and the leave the house to them? It sounds like they want a break from their kids & want you to provide free baby sitting service.

Alternatively, you could email a list of hotels to your BIL & ask him to book his own accommodation since he has such apecific requirements. This will way he will have to pay for his own hotel room hopefully.

If they are staying at yours then ask them to clear up after themselves even if its just taking dished to the sink. You need to take control as your dh id too frightened to. Is it reasonable to do a rota for housework etc?would a visual timetable work for the boys?

Lock away where possible breakables & demand that your BIL pays for damages. The boys can't help what they do but their parebts can help minimise the damage and be responsible for their behaviour. pull up the parents every time for unreasonable behaviour. Hopefully they will get the message.

imademarion Tue 09-Jul-13 23:37:48

the house was completely trashed, not a clean cup or plate anywhere, remnants of food fights up the walls, all our food eaten, filthy toilets, dirty clothes on the floor .... We went out to eat at our expense

That's unspeakable, but you left it three years to fester without having an adult co versatile. With either the. Or your DH and now they don't know it's not on.

Why are the offspring staying with you?

Why hasn't your DH discussed it sit you before agreeing to the arrangements?

Surely everyone at a hotel and you all meeting for a few meals/suitable activities is far preferable? Put your foot down and quote your OP above when asked why.

pictish Tue 09-Jul-13 23:50:15

To give an example, for clarity, last time they stayed one of bil's sons took apart 10 old computers (dh is an it consultant, we don't live in a scrap yard!) and lined up all 64736254 components of said computers in straight lines.....

I would find that strangely charming...maybe I'm weird. Certainly wouldn't annoy me anyway.

Inertia Tue 09-Jul-13 23:55:41

I wouldn't go out.

I wouldn't allow any of them to stay in the first place.

Guests and visitors are more than welcome in our home- vandals who trash the place and expect to dump their kids on us are not guests, they're pisstakers.

timidviper Tue 09-Jul-13 23:58:11

They wouldn't get over the doorstep in my house

dayshiftdoris Tue 09-Jul-13 23:58:25

At least the computer components were neat wink

YouTheCat Wed 10-Jul-13 00:01:17

I can see why the wanton destruction would be annoying when it's stuff to do with work tbh.

My ds has autism and I would never, ever have allowed him to destroy peoples' things.

Just say no way - it's your house too so why should you put up with people who take the piss.

WhoNickedMyName Wed 10-Jul-13 00:03:42

I think I'd either invent some pre-booked hen party/spa weekend and take myself off somewhere nice.

But then again there's no way my DH would agree to anyone staying at our house who treated me, and our home, in the way you've described.

goldwrapped Wed 10-Jul-13 00:03:52

So ... Dh is in the bath roaringly angry with me for 'not supporting him'. I suggested that we go to the hotel instead of his brother .. Dh replied, 'He wants a bit of luxury, a holiday, and we can't afford it'.
We are going to Relate next week because we're in a bit of a bad way, but according to him it's all my fault and he's 'looking forward to bringing this up with the counsellor as an example of how nasty I can be'. I'm swinging between being angry and very sad .....

Pimpf Wed 10-Jul-13 00:07:22

There's no way I'd be leaving the Ouse, as there's no way they'd be staying.

I'd be glad he bought it up with the councillor, if he didn't, I would

I'm afraid I don't think much of the aspergers comment either. It isn't really relevant given everything else you have written and frankly it doesn't do your any favours mentioning it. What you describe is not typical of the condition.

Having said that, their behaviour is appalling and I wouldn't be letting them stay in my house. If you feel like you must and that DH can invite who he likes, then YANBU to get away. I wouldn't be letting them through the door personally and I especially wouldn't be babysitting 3 children whilst their parents live it up in a nice hotel.

Floralnomad Wed 10-Jul-13 00:11:33

I'd just tell him that he should go and visit them , having said that I doubt I would have married him after the last visit unless I had got an agreement that his family were no longer welcome .

MidniteScribbler Wed 10-Jul-13 00:11:49

Wow what a horrible situation for you. Do bring it up in counselling, as it needs to be addressed. He's not respecting your needs either. Could you find somewhere which has cabins or bunkhouses that the whole group could stay in? Promote it as a whole family holiday/reunion. Things may not grate on you so much if they aren't actually in your own home.

pigletmania Wed 10-Jul-13 00:16:14

Yes the family do t sound good, freeloading, not helping and disrespecting your house, your h sounds just as awful, not supporting you, and turning it round to make it your fault. That would be a dealbreaker or me

formicadinosaur Wed 10-Jul-13 00:39:47

Go out.

People with Asperges can be liked or disliked just like everyone else.

McGeeDiNozzo Wed 10-Jul-13 04:18:27

'And now dh is arranging another get together for them, here, in 3 weeks time. Bil and sil have asked to be booked in to a local hotel (maximum £100/night, bil stated), leaving his 3 dysfunctional kids staying with us. Dh has invited another 20 or so of his family here to eat/stay'

And you were not consulted? I'm sorry, but he can fuck right off. Right off, right now!

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