Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

How do you compromise on baby names?

(139 Posts)
BraveLilBear Tue 09-Jul-13 13:25:37

Hello - I'm looking for some un-hormonally fuelled perspective please!

We're still undecided on my/our first child's name (DP has 11yo son already), and at 38 weeks plus twinges, time is running out. My DP has set his heart on a particular name for a boy. It's old English and means 'intelligent', but is more commonly known as a surname, or a place name in the USA and in the north of England.

It doesn't feel right to me at all, and given that DP is also refusing to let baby have my surname as an additional middle name (tho has conceded to let it have one of my family first names as a middle name), it just doesn't feel right to me at all - I imagined going to the doctors and having my child's name called and it would feel like it wasn't my child.

The name is ok, but I think it sounds a bit daft and is too 'big' a name to hang on a newborn who has to get through primary and secondary school intact. If it wanted to be a lawyer, journalist, doctor etc it would sound great, but I worry it'll have a negative experience in childhood that would stop it wanting to achieve IYSWIM.

Thing is, DP is exceptionally stubborn and is also very selfish. I can't use the name here because he'll be able to ID me.

Every alternative I suggest, he hates, or at least says he does.

It's getting to the point now that I'm dreading my child being a boy - because I don't want the fight that will be inevitable.

I absolutely love the name we have in mind for a girl - now he's saying he'll only 'let me' name her that if I agree to the boy's name he likes.

Help?!

Somethingtothinkabout Mon 15-Jul-13 20:56:51

Hi Brave, hope you are doing O.k It's understandable if thinking about leaving and making a plan feels like such a daunting task when you have so much to do over the next few weeks, but the longer you leave it the harder it gets, please trust that.

You'll be able to do it, believe that. There is all the support there for you if/when you set yourself free. And so many lovely ladies here, some of whom have been right where you are, can give you advice and help, whether you go now or feel like you can't yet.

Definitely no to the W name though, and at the very least make sure your surname is the middle name, but preferably the actual surname.

thanks

Earthworms Sat 13-Jul-13 22:03:39

Listen to gettingstrong

She is one of the bravest, most courageous mn'ers you will meet. (Good to see you back Gs. I was a lurker - willing you on whilst the Wise Ones helped you through)

GettingStrong Sat 13-Jul-13 09:35:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

katehastried Fri 12-Jul-13 21:14:48

I got through labour with an abusive man and I felt like you did - that our relationship would get me through it.

Actually it became all about HIM: he was tired, he was stressed, he was quite angry at me because it was taking so long, rubbing his face in his hands and sighing. He was so tired that as soon as the baby was born he was off back home to sleep, leaving me crying in the ward.

You can do this.

tightfortime Fri 12-Jul-13 00:23:42

His timing sucks and maybe says it all but at least you now know to give your child your surname and any other damn name you want.

Call your mum pet...no man is worth 51% or a maybe. Baby or not.

GettingStrong Thu 11-Jul-13 23:53:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MysteriousHamster Wed 10-Jul-13 18:57:43

He's bonkers. He thinks he can pressure you into his name choice (and his surname) at the same time as refusing to commit to being with you.

Does he think you are so vulnerable that you have no choice but to agree to everything?

And/or does he think you won't stand up to him?

I know this is so so so hard but do not make any permanent decisions like a baby name, under the direction of a man who does not appear to love you.

Mumsyblouse Wed 10-Jul-13 17:01:16

I moved 250 miles to my mum's a week before giving birth, it's fine, you are allowed to do this and can even change your mind about where you want to give birth during labour! It was not complicated at all, and I was incredibly glad to have my mum there, plus I went to a less busy part of the country where I was very well looked after.

If this is all that is stopping you, please don't let it.

Viking1 Wed 10-Jul-13 15:26:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ElephantsAndMiasmas Wed 10-Jul-13 14:28:16

Sorry, link fail!

ElephantsAndMiasmas Wed 10-Jul-13 14:27:54

Maybe have a little read of this.

Honestly this would be funny if it wasn't so bloody tragic. "My partner, who has no legal right to decide the name of my baby, won't let me decide the name of the baby."

HE'S the one with no bargaining chips. Except his temper that is. But you're too big a girl to put up with being bullied like that. He's a puffed up ego on legs and lke the Wizard of Oz you just need to see through him and stop pandering to him. You're feeling so vulnerable now, and he's winning because of that. May I ask, why are you with someone you would describe as "selfish"?

GettingStrong Wed 10-Jul-13 13:41:01

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GettingStrong Wed 10-Jul-13 13:38:17

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

valiumredhead Wed 10-Jul-13 12:03:52

I was the same as cogito, when Dh manages to grow and give birth to a baby that's when he gets to have serious input. Luckily it's a name we both liked. -- I'm only half joking--

BerkshireMum Wed 10-Jul-13 11:40:45

Bear, given what you've told us about your parents' relationship, I bet your mum would understand, possibly more than you think. Moving back with a parent is rarely the first choice for anyone but think of all the options it would give you.

Space to bond with your baby - with the name you choose

Time to think what you want to do next and where you'd like to be living

Chance to reconnect with some friends and build your own support network

If necessary, you could even go while he's out - make arrangements to have the car just for a day for some reason. Doesn't mean you don't see him or talk to him again (if that's what YOU decide) but it means it's you in control, not him.

Please take care - and start making some serious plans for your precious baby xx

ImperialBlether England Wed 10-Jul-13 11:29:36

Personally I think he believes he's showing a weakness if he says he wants to be with you.

ImperialBlether England Wed 10-Jul-13 11:29:12

Well, he'll have the choice now of buying himself a car (bet it's not his fault he doesn't have one) or moving closer to work.

Just out of interest, does he always drive your car? Every day? What happens at the weekend? In what way is it your car? Do you just pay the bills for it? Who puts the petrol in for his 130 mile daily round trip?

Ohsparkle Wed 10-Jul-13 11:21:57

Oh Bear my heart is panicking for you; I was once with a chap who treated me like a princess 95% of the time. The other 5% he was a heavy drinker and his behaviour was disgusting. Used to frighten me and embarrass me. I, too, didn't want to return to Mum as had left home for a reason. (I can now see I swapped one set of circumstances for another). I left ex and returned twice (after he cried and sobbed and promised he'd change). Of course, he never did. The 3rd time I got away for good. Going back to Mum wasn't as bad as I'd thought. With hindsight, I only wish I'd had the strength to stay away from ex the first time. I developed health issues while with ex that miraculously disappeared a few months after I left him. It was tough leaving him as Mum didn't believe the 5% horrid behaviour (she'd never witnessed him drunk) and she wanted me to go back to him, told me I'd be single and lonely forever (yes, really!!) so I had to have an inner core of strength to get through it. But get through it I did with the help of AD's and repeating a mantra to myself that I would be better off "single and lonely" than scared and having panic attacks from being with this man.

I realise my story is not exactly the same as yours but wanted to you know people have been through similar and made it out the other side.
I wish you every success at getting away from this controlling and abusive man. Go through all your options. Hugs to you xx

Lweji Portugal Wed 10-Jul-13 11:18:52

I don't want to just give up when I know how he can be...

Do you want to stay knowing how he is?

How he can be is a possibility and it's in your head, mostly.

How he is now is a reality and how he will be as long as he feels in control of you.

So under normal circumstances with a nice respectful DP who is considerate and appreciative of you, him taking your car to work would be the sensible thing to do given his distance and your distance to work. But as he's a knob he can go jump.

As you say, you need to come up with some plans - what you said earlier about moving to a different health authority - that's not really an issue - I moved house very shortly before DC2s birth, and it was all fine - all your records just get moved over.

A fresh start is in order.

Or - could you stay and he go? What is the situation with the house? If it's rented, could you afford it with housing benefit plus tax credits?

BraveLilBear Wed 10-Jul-13 10:56:16

He works 65 miles away, I worked 2 miles away. Public transport is just about possible for him if he leaves at 550. He'd get home after 8.

If I go it'll be tough luck.

I don't know if I can do this. We've had some amazing times together. I don't want to just give up when I know how he can be... but what I'm getting now is not good enough and he blames me for 'being miserable all the time'.

Thanks all. I see how stark things are. I need to think and come up with some plans.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 10-Jul-13 10:42:17

The throwaway car comment made me groan out loud. Now you're expecting a visit from DP's mate's gf. You need your own circle of friends and support.

Everything OxfordBags says is spot on.

Just seen that DP has my car for work

He really does have all the control doesn't he? Is this just since you've been on maternity leave? If so, I suggest that however he got to work before, he carries on doing that now. The last thing you need at this stage is to be completely stuck unable to go anywhere. Tell him it's not convenient any more for him to take your car to work.

TeamEdward Wed 10-Jul-13 10:20:08

So sorry for you in this situation.
There is no way I could be someone's "maybe". You are a woman who deserves to be someone's "forever", to be loved, cared for and adored. No man has a right to treat you like this. Your life is not a compromise, and neither should be your child's.

Learn from your mother's mistakes and get out while you can. Your partner sounds like a bully.

BraveLilBear Wed 10-Jul-13 10:16:29

The only thing I can think of is to go home to my mum, which isn't ideal as I moved away for a reason. Plus there's the issue of antenatal/labour care as I'll be in a different health authority.

I really don't have many options here.

Was blocked from antenatal yoga earlier because of a health issue (later proved unnecessary) and the only aquanatal class is a car ride away (DP has my car for work).

Just had a text off a friend who just had a baby saying she might pop round with some stuff so that might do me some good. Only problem is it's DP's close friend's girlfriend so will have to put on a brave face and keep schtum.

Thanks for all the support. Am in a dark place but I appreciate it.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now