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Can I fall in love with my husband again?

(32 Posts)
MaryRose Tue 09-Jul-13 10:33:00

We've been married 6 years, together 8, I've known him since I was 14 and he is quite literally the love of my life and my best friend. He's a good man and a good father, but......recently I just don't feel the same way about him as I always did. I have no idea why. It's not that we argue a lot or anything like that, I just feel kind of indifferent to him and it's making me really sad. We still have sex and everything and it's still fine but we both work such long hours and have so much to do with the kids and everything, I don't know if this is just a patch or something more permanent. I can't get excited about being with him the way I used to. He has put on a lot of weight and I don't know if it's that I don't fancy him as much as I did.

To make things worse recently I've been having feelings for someone I work with who is a close friend of us both. I would never ever act on this but I can't help how I feel. I just want these feelings to go away and to love my husband like I used to, but I don't know how confused

MaryRose Thu 11-Jul-13 21:52:50

What a great post SawoftheOW (love the user name too) made me think.I will look up the books thank you and much love and luck to you in rebuilding your marriage xx

SawofftheOW Thu 11-Jul-13 18:07:46

OP, dissatisfaction with your marriage and emotional affairs with work colleagues are the oldest recipe in the book for a slide down into a full-blown affair. My DH started his affair in this way -we had gone through a rough patch caused by financial and work problems, and he began by telling himself he would NEVER be unfaithful to me but found 'her' , a work colleague, alluring, interesting, always sparkly, always attentive, laughing in all the right places. And she of course made sure she looked better and better for him each day. I, of course, was the familiar, the safe, the predictable - no longer 'exciting'. M&S big pants rather than g-strings. Her H told me after it all came out that he began realising something had changed in their marriage when she started wearing contact lenses rather than her specs to work, buying new perfume, wearing more fashionable and tighter clothes etc. You must, must, must walk away from this burgeoning relationship even if you feel that at the moment that it is just a distraction and something that makes you feel 'alive'. Read Andrew Marshall's book, 'I love you but I'm not in love with you' - also available on Kindle. Lots of libraries stock it. It brilliantly deals with the situation you are in and also very clearly sets out the stages of separation emotionally from a DH or DW and the entry into the 'bubble world' that is an affair. Shirley Glass's 'Not Just Friends' is also sensationally accurate about this situation and both books give you lots of tips on rebuilding and reenergising your relationship with your DH. Believe me, having gone to hell and back over the last 2.5 years since I discovered my DH's affair, and going through all the trauma of his initial vaccilation whether he would stay or go; seeing the heartbreak of our beloved DC and suffering severe depression as we battled to repair the horrific damage inflicted on our marriage, I urge you to listen to all those on here who tell you 'beware'. DH and I are slowly getting back on track but it has been the most traumatic event of our lives and he too has suffered greatly with guilt about the impact on his family, to the point of illness himself. Our mutual trauma was added to by the OW being determined that she WOULD have her prize and went to very great lengths to try and prise him from me and our DC. When that failed she systematically set about destroying his career and mine by false allegations. I'm not saying that could happen to you, but then my DH never dreamt for a moment that the alluring, captivating, 'nice' woman he became involved with would ever do it either. Good luck and do try the books - you will recognise yourself and your current situation in so much of what is written.

TDada Wed 10-Jul-13 20:17:01

start playing tennis, squash, jogging, walking with your DH as a couple

MysteriousHamster Wed 10-Jul-13 19:05:25

I totally agree with Samu's post. Are you only feeling dissatisfaction because of the crush? You need to squash it, or recognise it for what it is.

yamsareyammy Wed 10-Jul-13 18:56:16

Good posts. I would add beware of a boss, employee relationship. For the first time on a thread, I want scottishmummy on here!
She said something on a thread a little like this, about a month ago. Cant remember exactly what she said now.
Something about a boss taking advantage of his position, or something like that.
I may see if I can find the thread.

MaryRose Wed 10-Jul-13 11:29:45

*being

MaryRose Wed 10-Jul-13 11:29:26

Cogito it was just a figure of speech grin but bring a working mum and therefore a natural strategist I like the idea of goals and strategies and I'm going to give some thought to that one

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 10-Jul-13 10:46:04

"wanted to try really hard to put things right"

My favourite film quote is courtesy of Yoda in the Empire Strikes Back

'Do, or do not. There is no try.'

The danger with agreeing to 'try' is that it is rather vague. It's good that you've talked and you're enthusiastic but you need to 'do' ie. a strategy & some goals to hit if you're to sustain any changes long-term. Otherwise it'll all fizzle out and you'll be back to square one, bored crapless.

For example, the early night was a good start but how about you extend it to a commitment to plan an early night every week from now on....

MaryRose Wed 10-Jul-13 10:37:32

I can't cut contact with OM as he is my boss! But I am trying very hard to forget my feelings for him. I broached the subject with DH about things having changed between us last night (omitting ON!). He said he felt the same but wanted to try really hard to put things right. I do too. So hoping we can keep trying and it will get better. I pointed out he never initiated sex anymore which I don't think had even occurred to him. So we agreed on an early night! I will keep trying, it's too good to throw away because the initial sparkle had gone

skyeskyeskye Tue 09-Jul-13 23:44:58

Agree but dating can only happen if no third party on the side...

Me and XH dated, first thing he did afterwards was text OW to discuss it!

I tried to get him to reconnect but his head was elsewhere. It can work but you must forget all about OM.

PurpleGirly Tue 09-Jul-13 23:39:11

I mean DH not OM!!!

PurpleGirly Tue 09-Jul-13 23:38:40

You need to date him. Sounds like he rescued you and that was the initial sparkle. Now you need time as a couple, to date and to flirt and to reconnect.

skyeskyeskye Tue 09-Jul-13 23:30:45

My XH's feelings for me changed when he got emotionally involved with his friends wife. While he was texting her all day long it left him no time to think about me and our DD.

The only way you can be sure of your feelings for your H is to cut all contact with OM. It only confuses things.

Samu2 Tue 09-Jul-13 22:26:07

What came first?

Your crush or your feelings towards you husband going downhill?

Is it possible that your crush has gone a little bit too far and affecting the way you see your husband because the feelings aren't as exciting between you and your husband in the way they are with the crush? or did the crush come way after the problems with your husband?

yamsareyammy Tue 09-Jul-13 22:02:50

Yes, I think the going out alone more times would be helpful in several ways.

Do you want to say in what ways he irritates you?

MaryRose Tue 09-Jul-13 16:53:32

Yes we have a holiday coming up in four weeks time, with kids in tow but I'm really looking forward to it. Youngest is 5, I know what you mean about the breastfeeding thing but we are well past that! The sex is still fine, not enough if it due to kids, tiredness etc, I still enjoy his company but I find he irritates me more than he used to! Maybe both just need to try really hard. We rarely go out alone, it's either child related or with friends, perhaps more of that is in order

MaryRose Tue 09-Jul-13 16:49:40

Yes we have a holiday coming up in four weeks time, with kids in tow but I'm really looking forward to it. Youngest is 5, I know what you mean about the breastfeeding thing but we are well past that! The sex is still fine, not enough if it due to kids, tiredness etc, I still enjoy his company but I find he irritates me more than he used to! Maybe both just need to try really hard. We rarely go out alone, it's either child related or with friends, perhaps more of that is in order

yamsareyammy Tue 09-Jul-13 16:12:18

Have you got a holiday coming up with him, with or without the children?
I think you need quality time to hopefully reconnect.

yamsareyammy Tue 09-Jul-13 16:03:13

I would say, and I could be wrong, but going from what I know, that if the sex is still ok for a couple, that the problem is then more likely to do with such things as finances, lack of time, illness etc.

nancerama Tue 09-Jul-13 15:43:21

How old is your youngest? I adore DH, but struggled to have him anywhere near me for ages. Now DS is down to one breast feed a day I feel like I'm getting my body back and am happier having DH close to me again.

I find sneaking down the garden for a quick snog when we have visitors is the kind of mischief that can awaken old feelings.

Davsmum Tue 09-Jul-13 15:30:49

You could simply have got into a rut. Got bored.
Even if it is difficult - you need to make time for each other and get back to what you felt about each other in the first place.
When you feel the way you do I think its easy to be 'tempted' by someone new who is attractive/interesting that you meet at work.

Remember you felt like that about your DH once so its worth making the effort to get that back because other things have taken priority - the kids and work etc.
All this happens whilst you are caught up in other things, so you both need to make a conscious effort to be man & wife again as well as parents.

MaryRose Tue 09-Jul-13 14:24:02

yamsareyammy, August last year

MaryRose Tue 09-Jul-13 13:57:25

Oh I know. I wouldn't even think of leaving or splitting the family up. My two eldest are not my DH's children, they've already been through a divorce (physically and emotionally abusive first husband etc etc) so they need the stability. DH was my knight in shining armour when I thought I could never ever trust men again. Which is why I'm shocked at how I've come to feel like this, I thought I'd adore him forever. Unrealistic maybe but I do want to make it work

yamsareyammy Tue 09-Jul-13 13:55:37

op, when did you last go on holiday, eithe with your husband, or seperately from him?

LEMisdisappointed Tue 09-Jul-13 13:42:17

It still sounds like a crush!

I think you should talk to your DH, tell him, not quite in the words that you have used here that you feel the magic is waning and that you want to bring it back - im not talking about buying a rampant rabbit either. But making time for each other - fake it til you make it. You owe it to your children to try and make it work really - they didn't ask to be born, but they deserve a stable and loving family. I know that the family being together isn't always for the best, but because the spark has gone and you fancy someone else, isn't really reason to tear their worlds apart. You have to try and make it work.

Im sorry if that is blunt but it is just the way it is. parenting is bloody hard work and its dull as fuck sometimes, your relationship with DH was never going to be the same post children. I remember asking a friend when i was pregnant with DD and she told me everything changes, she was so right. I STILL miss how things were pre DD, and she is 7 now. I'd not change my life for anything though apart from maybe more money so i dont have to worry about bills

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