Can I fall in love with my husband again?

[MaryRose]

We've been married 6 years, together 8, I've known him since I was 14 and he is quite literally the love of my life and my best friend. He's a good man and a good father, but......recently I just don't feel the same way about him as I always did. I have no idea why. It's not that we argue a lot or anything like that, I just feel kind of indifferent to him and it's making me really sad. We still have sex and everything and it's still fine but we both work such long hours and have so much to do with the kids and everything, I don't know if this is just a patch or something more permanent. I can't get excited about being with him the way I used to. He has put on a lot of weight and I don't know if it's that I don't fancy him as much as I did.

To make things worse recently I've been having feelings for someone I work with who is a close friend of us both. I would never ever act on this but I can't help how I feel. I just want these feelings to go away and to love my husband like I used to, but I don't know how

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

When you say you've known him since 14 you don't mean you've been together since then, do you? Can I ask how old you are now? There's no bigger killer to a relationship than indifference really. If what you're saying is that married life isn't measuring up to expectations then you need to talk to each other honestly, acknowledge that it's in grave danger of slipping away (don't under any circumstances mention the feelings for the colleague), do something about these long hours, address the weight problem sensitively, make some time to reconnect and so on. But do be conscious that you can't make yourself love someone... you either do or you don't.

[Lweji]

It seems to me that you need to talk to him about this (not the other guy) and start making time for each other.

You need to distance yourself from the other man, at work and socially.
It may well be that you are spending more time with him and having more meaningful conversations with this man than your H, thus getting more emotionally from him.

You can still reverse it.

If it doesn't work, then act on it, but you need to be proactive on trying to keep your marriage now.

[MaryRose]

Thanks. I'm 36, no we haven't been together since I was 14, we had a brief relationship when we were teenagers then I move away and we met again when I was 28. I still care so much about him and I'd never want to hurt him, but the strength of feeling I used to have for him just doesn't exist any more

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

If you care about him, that's a good start. Does he care about you? Does he care about you enough to seriously talk about the marriage and your future together, make a few changes and engage in a joint effort to improve matters?

The problem with crushes on attractive colleagues is that, like new cars in a showroom, they are shiny & exciting with lots of upgrades and features. Whereas your DH is the equivalent of the old model you've had for a few years. Familiar, reliable & safe but unable to compete.

So if you still care, do something about it and stop window shopping.

[LEMisdisappointed]

It changes, the passion and the "i must jump your bones NOW" feeling is replaced by something stronger. The something stronger doesn't feel so hormonally good and people miss this. I love my DP to distraction but we have been together 21 years and i would be lying if i said i felt the same now as when we met. I think it took me a while to relish the security and companionship as well as the great sex and butterflies in stomach. We have been through a few rough patches.

Ive also fancied other people, christ i used to have to sit on my hands when i worked with a guy once and we worked in close proximity (like not being able to avoid brushing past each other in very small room we worked in) and had lots of chats etc. I doubt he felt the same but i had a huge crush on him. He had a DP as well and they were loved up. There was definate chemistry though, although for him, cheeky banter etc. The fact that we were both taken made it a safe bet for me to flirt and enjoy the crush though - if that makes sense, i knew nothing would ever happen and i didn't WANT anything to ever happen, if he had made a move i daresay i'd have slapped his face . Its a nice feeling to fancy someone - its a wonderful feeling to love and trust and feel safe with someone. That is what i have with my DP now. Sex is good, we have to make an effort to make it exciting and sometimes we don't do that and it get into a rut, but we are knackered, being parents is tough.

I would change what cogito said to "if you care, do something about it" and feel free to do a bit of window shopping from time to time - so long as you don't go in the shop, its ok! I told my DP about my crush on my work colleague, he used to tease me about it, it was OK because theres trust and he knew id never do anything about it.

[MaryRose]

What worries me LEM is the 'crush' is not really like that, I don't really fancy him physically, it's more a friendship/emotional attachment which I think in a way is more worrying and also makes me wonder what might be missing from my relationship with DH that I've got attached to someone else

[LEMisdisappointed]

It still sounds like a crush!

I think you should talk to your DH, tell him, not quite in the words that you have used here that you feel the magic is waning and that you want to bring it back - im not talking about buying a rampant rabbit either. But making time for each other - fake it til you make it. You owe it to your children to try and make it work really - they didn't ask to be born, but they deserve a stable and loving family. I know that the family being together isn't always for the best, but because the spark has gone and you fancy someone else, isn't really reason to tear their worlds apart. You have to try and make it work.

Im sorry if that is blunt but it is just the way it is. parenting is bloody hard work and its dull as fuck sometimes, your relationship with DH was never going to be the same post children. I remember asking a friend when i was pregnant with DD and she told me everything changes, she was so right. I STILL miss how things were pre DD, and she is 7 now. I'd not change my life for anything though apart from maybe more money so i dont have to worry about bills

[yamsareyammy]

op, when did you last go on holiday, eithe with your husband, or seperately from him?

[MaryRose]

Oh I know. I wouldn't even think of leaving or splitting the family up. My two eldest are not my DH's children, they've already been through a divorce (physically and emotionally abusive first husband etc etc) so they need the stability. DH was my knight in shining armour when I thought I could never ever trust men again. Which is why I'm shocked at how I've come to feel like this, I thought I'd adore him forever. Unrealistic maybe but I do want to make it work

[MaryRose]

yamsareyammy, August last year

[Davsmum]

You could simply have got into a rut. Got bored.
Even if it is difficult - you need to make time for each other and get back to what you felt about each other in the first place.
When you feel the way you do I think its easy to be 'tempted' by someone new who is attractive/interesting that you meet at work.

Remember you felt like that about your DH once so its worth making the effort to get that back because other things have taken priority - the kids and work etc.
All this happens whilst you are caught up in other things, so you both need to make a conscious effort to be man & wife again as well as parents.

[nancerama]

How old is your youngest? I adore DH, but struggled to have him anywhere near me for ages. Now DS is down to one breast feed a day I feel like I'm getting my body back and am happier having DH close to me again.

I find sneaking down the garden for a quick snog when we have visitors is the kind of mischief that can awaken old feelings.

[yamsareyammy]

I would say, and I could be wrong, but going from what I know, that if the sex is still ok for a couple, that the problem is then more likely to do with such things as finances, lack of time, illness etc.

[yamsareyammy]

Have you got a holiday coming up with him, with or without the children?
I think you need quality time to hopefully reconnect.

[MaryRose]

Yes we have a holiday coming up in four weeks time, with kids in tow but I'm really looking forward to it. Youngest is 5, I know what you mean about the breastfeeding thing but we are well past that! The sex is still fine, not enough if it due to kids, tiredness etc, I still enjoy his company but I find he irritates me more than he used to! Maybe both just need to try really hard. We rarely go out alone, it's either child related or with friends, perhaps more of that is in order

[MaryRose]

Yes we have a holiday coming up in four weeks time, with kids in tow but I'm really looking forward to it. Youngest is 5, I know what you mean about the breastfeeding thing but we are well past that! The sex is still fine, not enough if it due to kids, tiredness etc, I still enjoy his company but I find he irritates me more than he used to! Maybe both just need to try really hard. We rarely go out alone, it's either child related or with friends, perhaps more of that is in order

[yamsareyammy]

Yes, I think the going out alone more times would be helpful in several ways.

Do you want to say in what ways he irritates you?

[Sallystyle]

What came first?

Your crush or your feelings towards you husband going downhill?

Is it possible that your crush has gone a little bit too far and affecting the way you see your husband because the feelings aren't as exciting between you and your husband in the way they are with the crush? or did the crush come way after the problems with your husband?

[skyeskyeskye]

My XH's feelings for me changed when he got emotionally involved with his friends wife. While he was texting her all day long it left him no time to think about me and our DD.

The only way you can be sure of your feelings for your H is to cut all contact with OM. It only confuses things.

[PurpleGirly]

You need to date him. Sounds like he rescued you and that was the initial sparkle. Now you need time as a couple, to date and to flirt and to reconnect.

[PurpleGirly]

I mean DH not OM!!!

[skyeskyeskye]

Agree but dating can only happen if no third party on the side...

Me and XH dated, first thing he did afterwards was text OW to discuss it!

I tried to get him to reconnect but his head was elsewhere. It can work but you must forget all about OM.

[MaryRose]

I can't cut contact with OM as he is my boss! But I am trying very hard to forget my feelings for him. I broached the subject with DH about things having changed between us last night (omitting ON!). He said he felt the same but wanted to try really hard to put things right. I do too. So hoping we can keep trying and it will get better. I pointed out he never initiated sex anymore which I don't think had even occurred to him. So we agreed on an early night! I will keep trying, it's too good to throw away because the initial sparkle had gone

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"wanted to try really hard to put things right"

My favourite film quote is courtesy of Yoda in the Empire Strikes Back

'Do, or do not. There is no try.'

The danger with agreeing to 'try' is that it is rather vague. It's good that you've talked and you're enthusiastic but you need to 'do' ie. a strategy & some goals to hit if you're to sustain any changes long-term. Otherwise it'll all fizzle out and you'll be back to square one, bored crapless.

For example, the early night was a good start but how about you extend it to a commitment to plan an early night every week from now on....

[MaryRose]

Cogito it was just a figure of speech but bring a working mum and therefore a natural strategist I like the idea of goals and strategies and I'm going to give some thought to that one