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Did he hit me?

(89 Posts)
wellieboots Tue 09-Jul-13 08:01:56

I am totally confused. Background - I'm living in Sydney with DH who is Aussie and 8 month old DD. We've been here 2.5 years (moved from Scotland where my family are). It hasn't been easy especially since DD came. I ended up with quite bad pnd by the time she was about 4 months, she had bad reflux (which has now settled a bit thank God), barely slept in the daytime and cried a lot between about 2 and 5 months. We had an argument with PILs about 5 months ago about feeding her at night shock and not leaving her to cry (3 months old and ebf, WTF?!) and we haven't spoken to each other since. Well, that's not strictly true, they came to her christening which was about 2 months ago but other than that I haven't seen them.

So life has been full on and stressful. Yesterday I was feeling a bit ill (woozy, dizzy) and DH had said if I needed to call him during the day he could pop home and help as he only works 10 mins away. I rang him at 5.30, so end of the day anyway, and asked him if he could come home a bit earlier than normal as I had been feeling a bit dodgy and had felt a couple of times with DD in the previous 10 mins or so that I could have fallen. So he said he would, although in the end he didn't get home til about 6,10. I hadn't given DD her dinner yet, as she'd had a late nap until about 5.15 and I had bf'd her and she was playing. He got stressed about her dinner (I would normally already have done dinner or be doing it when he gets home) and that we had run out of some stuff and got all stressed about what to give her so he took ages to prepare something. I was sitting resting and he shouted at me to go to bed as that was why he'd come home. Except that DD always has a bf immediately before bed so I was just resting and waiting for him to give her dinner and bath her so I could do the bf and then go to bed. He muttered something about forgetting that she needed to feed (?! this is my DH who is a total bf Nazi and hasn't allowed a drop of formula to pass DD's lips even when I had to do an exam and be away for nearly 5 hours - how the hell would he forget she needs to bf?!) He got her in the bath and I went in there and he complained that I hadn't got her undressed for bath time which would normally do (um, yes, because the reason you came home is because I nearly fell over with her so I am not going to carry her naked into the bathroom which has a tile floor angry.

I then got really angry at him and moaned about the bf comments and about him BU in making me ebf for 8 months when I have begged him to let me stop or mix feed - usually while in the depths of pnd, but still...and about him complaining about having to do the whole bedtime routine and how it was so hard and he forgot things, blah blah. He picked up DD's wet facecloth and threw it at me and it hit my arm. It was heavy and wet and it had time to pick up some speed so it hurt. I shouted at him and he came over to me and slapped me on the thigh and then held me up against the wall. He looked really scary and I didn
t' know what he would do next. I got away and went into the bedroom and packed a bag.

His version is that he didn't hit me because throwing the facecloth and that hitting me is not hitting, because he only slapped me rather than punching, and even then it wasn't on the face or upper body hmm and he says that when he held me up against the wall it was to stop me from falling as he thought I was going to fall after he slapped my thigh confused When I told him I had been terrified of what he was going to do at that point, he seemed genuinely sorry and shocked and he did apologise.

What does the MN world think? I am so confused, sorry it's long!

Also if DD was borne in Australia she will be a citizen irrespective of passport issue; automatically qualify for both.

TalkativeJim Mon 15-Jul-13 12:18:49

Just read about the holiday.

So your DD is not yet resident in Aus?

Get back here and take urgent advice, and don't go back!!

TalkativeJim Mon 15-Jul-13 12:17:17

For God's sake, get back to the UK any way you can. Be loving, smiley, positive about the future... and use ANY reason you can to get back to the UK as a couple and once you are there, do not under any circumstances agree to go back to Australia.

Hello Wellie

Someone pointed me in the direction of this thread but only just got the message. It seems like things have moved since the original few days of the post so I don't want to hijack it in a different direction.

What I will say though is that theoretically if you broke up whilst living in Australia with a DC with an Australian DH and if you have permanent residency it is more difficult that you could ever imagine to return to the UK unless DH agreed to it.

In Australia they approach everything from a 50/50 care approach and work back from that depending on age and desire etc. You are also limited on where you might move to within a state (unlike the UK) unless you have permission. I'm not saying this to scare you or to suggest you should or may want to split up but I was shocked that when I did (and the split was a shock to me, I had only been in Australia for 2 years and left behind 17 year career and whole life in family) there was zero chance of moving to the UK. I approached several relocation legal specialists and the shocking fact of it is that even in cases of child abuse (I know this is not your situation but using an example) its tough to move back due to Hague Convention.

If you'd like to PM me please do - otherwise huge luck and love in whatever you decide but, and I repeat, don't break up in Australia if you want to move back to the UK.....

Regards

Joint counselling is never recommended though where there is ongoing abuse as there is here, the person who suggested that to you is just plain wrong. Abuse is about power and control; your H still wants absolute over you. I doubt very much he would attend any sessions in any case because he does not at heart think he is doing anything wrong re you in the first place. I would say no to any joint counselling as of now. He is likely to be back in the nice cycle re abuse but the nice/nasty cycle is a continuous one.

Counselling for you alone is essential because it will then help you see the wood for the trees.

Lweji Sun 14-Jul-13 07:34:57

Returning is a good plan, as residence can be establish.

However, thread carefully and don't let yourself be fooled by his good behaviour now.

It will come back, sooner or later.

Make sure you have a way out.

Vivacia Sun 14-Jul-13 06:33:58

Good to hear back from you. So the plans is to all return?

wellieboots Sun 14-Jul-13 04:01:30

Re visas and stuff, DD has British passport so can stay indefinitely but I don't know whether her residence would be determined once she had been there a certain time. DH can't get a spouse visa at the mo as home office have changed rules and I need to have a certain income to sponsor him so SAHMs, freelancers, people on ML etc are having huge issues. it has been taken to the High Court and challenged but no outcome yet. But he can get an ancestry visa so we probably take that route. He was chatting about getting that last night.

wellieboots Sun 14-Jul-13 03:54:13

Sorry for not checking in. As mrswembley said, there has been lots of thinking talking and organising to do. We are going to come back to UK on holiday in a couple of months, for a month and see how it feels. I went to relationship counseling yesterday, was very lucky to get in so quick. Counsellor has suggested having a series of both individual and couples counselling. At the moment it is individual and she saw DH and me and then we came together at the end to say what our goals were from the process. it went better than I expected but was emotionally exhausting.

We are also going to put DD in childcare for a day a week to give me a bit of a break, in a couple of months time.

It probably sounds silly but I feel so much better knowing that he has gone and talked to someone outside our world and admitted what he did. I never could have seen that happening.

smallchestofdrawers Fri 12-Jul-13 10:08:31

I think the priority is to get back to the UK with your DD on a basis that will allow her to stay with you here. So although this might seem (is) manipulative I would work on the angle of things will be better between us if we go back to live in Scotland permanently.

Once there you are back in the UK and you know your daughter will remain, you can decide what to do about your relationship.

If you had any other option I would say that you should leave but that doesn't seem very realistic and the fact is you are very isolated and are not enjoying being in Australia. You've tried but it hasn't worked out.

If you force your partner to move out of your home I foresee him digging his heals in and you losing the chance to persuade him to move back to the UK voluntarily and thus being stuck there because you can't leave without your dd.

While your partner is feeling guilty and ashamed might be the time to persuade him to return.

You need some legal advice (unless you know about it already) about how long your dd will need to be in the UK, and on what basis, for her to be deemed permanently resident there (and also about whether your partner will get a visa).

Jux Fri 12-Jul-13 08:26:44

Can you come here on a visit, at least?

Get all incidents logged, preferably with an official agency - doctor, police and so on - but at least keep a diary.

he did hit yousad
I am so sorry

any chance of coming back to the uk to your mum and dad

it sounds a horrible horrible situation to be in

MrsWembley Thu 11-Jul-13 23:05:50

Getting a bit concerned that you haven't checked in today, Wellie. Hope it's just down to you getting to grips with your situation?

suburbophobe Thu 11-Jul-13 21:18:51

Failing that, ask him to leave for a few days.

Sorry, but this doesn't work with abusers. The very fact that they believe they're in the right - in their twisted mind - they would never willingly leave the house to "go and think about what they have done".

All you are doing is "upping the ante".

Unless you are sole owner, change the locks and have the police behind you of course. Even then, they might come back and take revenge (in whatever way).

You have to tread very very carefully when living with an abuser. You basically don't know what they are capable of (and the statistics say it all, sadly to say).

suburbophobe Thu 11-Jul-13 20:43:36

throwing the facecloth and that hitting me is not hitting, because he only slapped me rather than punching, and even then it wasn't on the face or upper body hmm and he says that when he held me up against the wall...

You know in your heart of hearts that this is not on and it's never going to get better, don't you.

If I were you (and I've been there so talking from experience), I would make my conclusions and make a long-term plan to get away (cos right now with the baby and PND you are very vulnerable).

I was "left" (gave him an ultimatum) when my son was 6 months, (it started when I was pregnant already), it was a really dangerous situation. Now he (son)is 21, going on 22, doing really well, at uni, and though it has not been a smooth ride (is life ever?!), it was the best for both of us.

Get in touch with WA - they must have them in Australia - and start getting copies of important paperwork together. Salary slips, passport, birth certificates, any admin. relating to your family basically.
And hide it!

So sorry you are going through this ((hugs))

Jux Thu 11-Jul-13 15:34:09

Are you OK, wellie?

MrsWembley Thu 11-Jul-13 14:23:03

How are you today, wellie? Hope things are becoming clearer for you.

foolonthehill Wed 10-Jul-13 20:39:09

Don't be distracted by the BF concession....or indeed any concessions. You need to keep focussed on what he did, how your relationship works (or doesn't) and what information and support you need to keep you and your DD safe.

foolonthehill Wed 10-Jul-13 20:37:46

and if you decide that out is where you need to be this website will give you details of potential financial help including crisis payments.

cees Wed 10-Jul-13 20:36:28

God you sound so under his thumb ''He even said that I could use formula'' they are your tits and only you get to decide if you want to feed a child from them, not him. He may have a preference but under no circumstances can he dictate to you what YOU will do.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Wed 10-Jul-13 20:32:42

(...and he doesn't.)

foolonthehill Wed 10-Jul-13 20:30:32

high emotions are no excuse for physical abuse....or verbal abuse, or controlling behaviour.

1800 RESPECT is a free, confidential service available 24 hours a day, seven days a week, if you are experiencing domestic or family violence or sexual assault. Call 1800 737 732 the AUSTRALIAN number for DV

Threatening to leave won;t make him change...look you're back where you were before. having a child won;pt make him change. Only HE can make changes for himself....and only if he wants to.

GettingStrong Wed 10-Jul-13 20:17:05

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

arsenaltilidie Wed 10-Jul-13 19:22:20

Whether he hit you not is one of your least problems.
Living with him sounds like a nightmare.

MrsWembley Wed 10-Jul-13 19:18:41

Are you able to get free legal advice down there? Or are you able to get some money together for an hour's consultation?

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