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Did he hit me?

(89 Posts)
wellieboots Tue 09-Jul-13 08:01:56

I am totally confused. Background - I'm living in Sydney with DH who is Aussie and 8 month old DD. We've been here 2.5 years (moved from Scotland where my family are). It hasn't been easy especially since DD came. I ended up with quite bad pnd by the time she was about 4 months, she had bad reflux (which has now settled a bit thank God), barely slept in the daytime and cried a lot between about 2 and 5 months. We had an argument with PILs about 5 months ago about feeding her at night shock and not leaving her to cry (3 months old and ebf, WTF?!) and we haven't spoken to each other since. Well, that's not strictly true, they came to her christening which was about 2 months ago but other than that I haven't seen them.

So life has been full on and stressful. Yesterday I was feeling a bit ill (woozy, dizzy) and DH had said if I needed to call him during the day he could pop home and help as he only works 10 mins away. I rang him at 5.30, so end of the day anyway, and asked him if he could come home a bit earlier than normal as I had been feeling a bit dodgy and had felt a couple of times with DD in the previous 10 mins or so that I could have fallen. So he said he would, although in the end he didn't get home til about 6,10. I hadn't given DD her dinner yet, as she'd had a late nap until about 5.15 and I had bf'd her and she was playing. He got stressed about her dinner (I would normally already have done dinner or be doing it when he gets home) and that we had run out of some stuff and got all stressed about what to give her so he took ages to prepare something. I was sitting resting and he shouted at me to go to bed as that was why he'd come home. Except that DD always has a bf immediately before bed so I was just resting and waiting for him to give her dinner and bath her so I could do the bf and then go to bed. He muttered something about forgetting that she needed to feed (?! this is my DH who is a total bf Nazi and hasn't allowed a drop of formula to pass DD's lips even when I had to do an exam and be away for nearly 5 hours - how the hell would he forget she needs to bf?!) He got her in the bath and I went in there and he complained that I hadn't got her undressed for bath time which would normally do (um, yes, because the reason you came home is because I nearly fell over with her so I am not going to carry her naked into the bathroom which has a tile floor angry.

I then got really angry at him and moaned about the bf comments and about him BU in making me ebf for 8 months when I have begged him to let me stop or mix feed - usually while in the depths of pnd, but still...and about him complaining about having to do the whole bedtime routine and how it was so hard and he forgot things, blah blah. He picked up DD's wet facecloth and threw it at me and it hit my arm. It was heavy and wet and it had time to pick up some speed so it hurt. I shouted at him and he came over to me and slapped me on the thigh and then held me up against the wall. He looked really scary and I didn
t' know what he would do next. I got away and went into the bedroom and packed a bag.

His version is that he didn't hit me because throwing the facecloth and that hitting me is not hitting, because he only slapped me rather than punching, and even then it wasn't on the face or upper body hmm and he says that when he held me up against the wall it was to stop me from falling as he thought I was going to fall after he slapped my thigh confused When I told him I had been terrified of what he was going to do at that point, he seemed genuinely sorry and shocked and he did apologise.

What does the MN world think? I am so confused, sorry it's long!

Gobbolinothewitchscat Tue 09-Jul-13 08:05:16

Um.....I think whatever he did, it wasn't acceptable.

If he can't accept that without arguing over semantics then you have a problem

isitsnowingyet Tue 09-Jul-13 08:06:29

That sounds a terrible and frightening experience. I don't know what to advise as it sounds like you're a long way from home. Is there a friend you could stay with?

HeySoulSister Tue 09-Jul-13 08:08:16

It's DV.... But many other red flags there anyway. What's the situation if you left him? Cos that sounds grim.... All of it

Sheshelob Tue 09-Jul-13 08:11:08

I'm sorry you are going through this but your relationship doesn't sound great. Why is it up to him to dictate how you feed your child? If you don't want to still be breastfeeding, that is your choice. And he did hit you, in a completely pre-meditated way, because he is doing where people won't see the marks. Now he's crossed that line, I don't think things are going to get better.

He sounds like a controlling bully and you sound like you are frightened of him. That is no way to lead your life.

I know what it is like to feel so alone so far from home. It is confusing enough without having someone deliberately messing with your head. Can you come home?

ButchCassidy Tue 09-Jul-13 08:11:51

He hit you hmm
OP hope you are ok.

Tiredtrout Tue 09-Jul-13 08:16:40

He hit you and he is attempting to manipulate you. If you feel up to it call the police and a friend if you have any around nearby

LEMisdisappointed Tue 09-Jul-13 08:20:13

Two things - yes, he hit you! But what i actually think is more worrying here is the level of control - he slapped you on the thigh - no upper body, not to the face - yeah because that is what you would do to a child (if you hit, which of course is wrong anyway) and because it would leave no marks.

Another thing that has jumped out at me is this "
I then got really angry at him and moaned about the bf comments and about him BU in making me ebf for 8 months when I have begged him to let me stop or mix feed - usually while in the depths of pnd"

Im really sorry but i think you need to pack your bags, book a flight and go home to your family. I hate it when people tell people to leave their partners on here because very often, with work i believe people can work things out but the level of control this man has over you is frightening.

You seem to think that you only wanted to stop bfing because you had PND, i bet he told you you were mad too! For what ever reason you felt it would be better to formula feed or mix feed (i mix fed as my milk supply was erratic and stopped at about 5 months) and that was totally your decision - not his. PND is a serious illness (ive had it) and he still forced you into doing something you didn't want to do. Not only that, justify it to your fecking in laws.

Im sorry but if you stay with this man you will have no life and your children will probably be miserable too because he will be the same with them.

Lweji Tue 09-Jul-13 08:20:33

Have you left with your DD?

Good, because he's an abuser.
He was physically violent now and controlling throughout.

You should not have to beg to stop breastfeeding? Not even ask, btw. It's your body.

If you haven't yet, leave him and report this to the police.

WallaceWindsock Tue 09-Jul-13 08:20:48

He hit you. But I'm also v concerned that you say he wouldn't let you stop bfing, that you've begged him to let you stop. It IS NOT his decision. It is your body and your choice. If you want to stop you stop. Your partner should NEVER dictate what you do with your own body.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Tue 09-Jul-13 08:21:09

If a stranger came up to you and threw a cloth at you and then slapped your thigh and pinned you against a wall, would you consider that they had assaulted you?

Yes. He hit you.

He is a bully.

myroomisatip Tue 09-Jul-13 08:27:03

He is a bully and I wonder if your PND was caused by the pressure you have been put under and the lack of support. sad

I also think you should go home, back to your family.

saycheeeeeese Tue 09-Jul-13 08:34:31

You have to leave. He has been abusing you for gawd knows how long with manipulation and control. And now the physical abuse door is open.
Ring your parents, get money together and take your DD and yourself away from harm.

LongTimeLurking Tue 09-Jul-13 08:37:18

Wow, what a charmer. Sounds like a control freak re: the BF and a bully too. Leave now while you still have the strength.

LongTimeLurking Tue 09-Jul-13 08:38:09

Or rather kick him out and get the locks changed.

CinnabarRed Tue 09-Jul-13 08:43:37

Get legal advice before you think about leaving Australia - I think that you may run into issues if you don't have his permission to take her.

I'm really sorry this is happening to you.

Tiredtrout Tue 09-Jul-13 08:49:15

dvnsw.org.au should be able to help you, or at the very least point you in the right direction when you are ready

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 09-Jul-13 09:02:09

"I have begged him to let me stop or mix feed"

This sounds like a controlling, unequal and therefore bad relationship. That you felt you had to beg him when, in reality, it's entirely your very personal decision how you feed your baby is incredibly revealing and very worrying. That your post is so long, outlining all the details leading up to the moment he hit you makes me think that you're in the habit of rationalising, defending or excusing his behaviour.

He hit you, held you up against a wall, threw something at you ... there's no ambiguity about it. I think you need to tell him to leave and seek help. Your doctor might be a good place to start if you're unwell. If there is an Australian equivalent of Womens Aid, also give them a call.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 09-Jul-13 09:03:32

'Nazi' btw seems to be his default setting... not just on feeding.

www.dvswss.com.au may also be a good website for you to look at.

You cannot stay within this and he has likely upped the power and control ante against you thus abuse as well since you've arrived in Australia.

Start talking to the authorities about what has happened here and get this out in the open. Let the authorities deal with him. You did not cause this to arise, the fault here lies completely with him.

And yes he did hit you and repeatedly so. The only acceptable level of violence within a relationship is none.

This is no life for you and your child to be a witness to. He will destroy you totally in the end if you do not leave and such men do not change. His parents sound also vile as well; this rotten apple did not fall far from the tree. Domestic violence damages children too. You have a choice re this man, your child does not.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Tue 09-Jul-13 09:21:17

He is a controlling, violent, bully.

His parents sound mega-controlling too (apple - tree).

He threw something at you, hit you, and pinned you against a wall. All that among a situation of domination and control, controlling down to your very body (...it's YOUR choice whether to BF or not, wtf?!).

You are going to have to leave him. This kind of abusive person does not hear reason, and does not get better.

Lweji Tue 09-Jul-13 10:23:05

Or rather kick him out and get the locks changed.

I'd be very careful about this. He's violent.

In fact, I'm worried, because the OP said she packed her bag, but nothing since then.

Jan45 Tue 09-Jul-13 10:39:16

If this is the first time this kind of thing has happened then it needs to be the last. He clearly has a problem with his temper and he cannot take it out on you whether it's a face cloth or a slap, neither are acceptable no matter what you were saying to him.

I'd be very concerned about his lack of control and his lack of respect towards you, I bet he wouldn't treat any other adult that way. I would be telling him he goes and seeks advice or you'll seriously have to reconsider a future together.

wellieboots Tue 09-Jul-13 11:41:29

Nowhere to go - most of my friends here are actually his friends' wives and it's awkward. My closest friend here definitely thinks we should go for counselling but I couldn't go stay with her, she has 3 kids of her own and currently has her FIL staying as her MIL is in hospital with MH issues. So she's got her own problems but is a listening ear if nothing else. Can't leave the country unless I leave DD and that is not happening in a million years.

I genuinely think he doesn't understand the seriousness of the situation. Straight afterwards, he offered to make me dinner as though it was no big deal. I tried to tell him that I felt like leaving and that I had said that if he ever hit me it was over - that's when he entered into his description of what happened and how it wasn't actually hitting. And what makes me really sad is that he did it in front of DD. I can't believe she's seen that, poor munchkin was crying in the bath.

wellieboots Tue 09-Jul-13 11:46:22

He slapped me in the same place once before - it was a couple of years ago though. I was not settling well here and we ended up in a heated argument about how much I had given up to come here. We were very emotional as we had an mc about 5 months previous, and no luck ttc since, and we just found out that my younger DB and DSIL were pg (completely unplanned) with twins - it sounds horrible but I just felt like they had everything I wanted and were in a country where they had family close by and were going to have their own family. I was ranting and raving and he slapped me on the thigh. I said I was leaving then too...

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