Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Friend ripped off for 35K by guy on Match.com- I need to talk her round HELP!(180 Posts)
Am regular (ish) poster but name changed on this occasion!
A single friend who I met through work is a regular on match.com, she is in her mid forties, attractive, smart and has a great job with an excellent salary.
She met a guy on match.com approx 4-5 months ago, they had been speaking for around two weeks when they decided to meet up- on that night that had sex and spent the whole weekend together which she refers to as 'special'....
The following week at work she told me all about her weekend and that continued to tell me that he had financial problems with his business and she had invested/ lent him £10,000- she said he didn?t want to take it and she had to convince him to!!
I was so angry with her and told her so- which she didn?t like- I told her he was ripping her off etc. etc. and she promised not to give him any more money.
But??.In the last few months she has given him a further £25,000, his business folded and now he is going from one disaster to another, loan sharks, bailiffs, can?t pay rent; no food etc. which I think is all bullshit by the way.
He has told her so many lies, many of which he admits to when found out- for example he said he was getting a loan to pay her back but when she showed me the email- I did some digging and found that it was a fake email address etc. - when she confronted him he admitted it, but said he only did it because loan sharks where after him and he needed her to lend him more money etc.
She also seems in denial that he has a gambling problem- soon after meeting they went to Monte Carlo for the weekend and he spent most of the time in the casino alone gambling and losing large sums of money ? yet she continues to help him although they are not in a relationship and never really were.
I need help to convince her of what I KNOW is the truth a) He is a conman who constantly lies to her to procure money b) He is a gambler and that?s where her money is going. Every month she says that she will not give him any more money, but this month alone he has already had £1500 from her, her savings has been totally wiped out by this wanker and when payday comes around he piles on the pressure to ?borrow? more money, always promising to pay it back from some deal or property sale etc?
The problem is that although I think she is now coming around to the idea that he has ripped her off, she feels that he has some good in him and if she doesn?t help him stay afloat she will see none of her money back- she borrowed £1500 from me last month to pay her mortgage as she had given all her money to him- which she did pay me back, but her financial situation is dire at the moment because of him.
My friend likes to think she is a canny business woman, and a good judge of character then why can?t she see this guy for what he is a liar and a thief? I don?t want to lose her friendship and I care for her very much, but I?ve spent nearly two hours on the phone with her tonight as she has lent him the £1500 and now he is not answering her calls/text- which is something he has done before- she doesn?t even know where he is living now.
How do I convince her to go to the police and to STOP GIVING HIM MONEY??? HELP!
Yes that's a good idea about the cards.
Get her to log on together and change her online banking too do that she can't access that!
Make sure she has enough cash for a coffee for the weekend, food in fridge etc. no more.
Let her see what he does.
Get her to give you her cards and for you to change her PayPal number
How about if you use your insight into the situation to predict to her what will happen ie 'look, X, it's payday next week, that's why he is coming to see you. I predict that, far from giving you money back , he'll be laying on a sob story to get more out of you. If I'm right, remember this conversation - and if the outcome of next weekend is anything other than him repaying some of the money he owes you, I don't want to hear another word about it - and I'm certainly not lending you any more money'.
as long as she doesn't give him MORE money.......
I can't understand WHY you keep expecting her to listen. One definition of insanity is repeating the same action and expecting a different outcome. You all seem to be stuck in this bizarre loop doing the same things, experiencing the same outcome.... and I don't understand why it still comes as a surprise. Someone has to stick a spoke in the wheel....
He has been talking to her again on the phone after cutting her out for over a week.... Funny that as its payday next friday.
I'm fuming he has asked to stay at her house next weekend and she is letting him! I begged her on the phone last night not to let him anywhere near her or her house, but she knows better,she says this will give her more 'control' as apparently he is getting money from a flat sale next week- bullshit!
I told her he would pay her back wherever he is if he really wanted too...
I can't believe she can't see that he is ramping up again to ask for money- he has done this before, she thinks it gives her more control, in fact its the other way round, that's why he wants to visit, hell know she has been paid and will lay it on thick to get money.
I can't understand WHY she can't see this- apparently she has told him that she will call the police if he doesn't pay her back- I'm not sure it believe her.
I'm so pissed off with this she just won't listen....
In fact its her father who is emotionally immature and her mother who holds it all together...
Although they are also both bad with money and have run up large debts.
On the outside my friend is very confident and self assured, and can sometimes be overbearing, but i agree she is obviously emotionally very needy to be taken in by a wanker like this.....
She has spoken to him today and he is saying he cant give her any money back at the moment- even though she needs it to get through the month- 'i cant help you mate' is what she gets from him- even though apparently he is paying out money to others that he owes (lies....)
He just wont enagage in conversation with her - until a couple of week i bet- when its payday......... Ive told her that if she gives him anymore- i dont want to hear anymore about this whole thing- if she wont listen to reason i cant help her
I reckon most women who find themselves in this situation have emotional problems which are the reason they are sucked in. As intelligent as you may be, if you are desperate for love then you turn into a fool, but we can all relate to that a bit, if not on this scale.
Your friend needs a huge dose of self esteem and confidence
YY, Strawberry. I was thinking I bet she has an overbearing father and/or an emotionally immature mother.
This weekend I have read yet another story about women being taking in by people who aren't who they say they are. Why do intelligent grown women continue to fall for such con artists? This year alone I have read a handful of stories about women losing thousands of pounds to men who "seduced" them to be able to fleece them.
Your friend needs a huge dose of self esteem and confidence so that she doesn't feel she has to stay with this man who has proved to be not the man she thought he was.
You can report it sure, but they wont do anything until an actual complaint is made. You cant complain that your friend has been ripped off for them.
If you can provide details if his real name, address etc then worth a shot, but if this is a con then i doubt you will have either of those. If he feels like anyone is on to him, he will close all match.com, email, phone accounts etc and start again and fool someone else. Op's friend will never hear from him again and then there will be no leads for the police either.
Yams, the cops would need to have evidence. I think the assumption has been that the only person who can provide that is the victim. However, the police will also question a possible victim if they can see a pattern, so that's the biggest reason to report it imho.
Oh, I see, thanks. You're not saying 'tough shit, you asked for it,' but that you don't think any official bodies would bother with it unless she reports it herself.
I feel it's always worth trying to raise an alarm. Don't decide on behalf of the police! They say "Report any suspicious activity to actionfraud.org.uk or call 0300 123 2040." You could also call 101 for advice.
x post, but still dont understand.
The bit I dont understand, I think, is why the police cannot or would not do something in this case.
Its not my perspective garlic, its what the police told us when we tried to stop someone doing similar. We even went to said persons bank as even though she was of 'sound mind', she was vulnerable. They said the same thing. Nothing can be done until they realise they have been had.
Not saying its not fraud, just that the person being subjected to fraud has to be the one to report it, otherwise the police cant do anything. Unless you have access to physical evidence which prove money was lent on certain terms and those terms have not been adhered to. My friend told me on the phone the other night' just isn't enough in afraid.
JRmumma - it's not as if I have any money to lend but, knowing your perspective on cons, I wouldn't lend it to you
It's straightforward. A pal says she's short for the weekend as she paid in a cheque on Thursday. You lend her some money, on the understanding she'll pay you back by Tuesday. It turns out there was no cheque. She lied to get your money. That is fraud.
Whether trust = "stupidity" is a different debate.
Whether the police could be arsed to pursue it would likely depend on whether this same guy has been reported for similar offences - that's a very big reason in favour of reporting, so they get the chance to link his scams.
Yes he may be conning her, but unless SHE makes a complaint to the police then there is no fraud. She could well be feeding OP a load of rubbish and know full well where the money is going. Im not suggesting for a minute that she does, but legally there is nothing that can be done by the police.
I go from agreeing with posters like JRmumma, to agreeing with garlic, and back and forth infinitum.
I must admit that this thread has made me utterly confused about conning.
I normally end a thread being more enlightened, or my knowledge exapnded.
In this one, I have managed to end up confused.
Some posters aren't getting the meaning of fraud. OP wrote "the stories this guy has come up with are a joke, business struggling, business folding, baliffs, loan sharks, court summons, selling cars, selling flats, money in offshore bank accounts, no money for rent, car, food etc, setting up new business etc." Unless his stories - the causes for which she gave him money - are true, and he is making repayments as promised, then he's conned her.
Ive been in a similar situation Op, knowing someone who did this. Basically, the police can do nothing if she is willingly giving him money and is of sound mind. She is entitled to do what she wants with her money. Only she can report it.
It really does baffle me how there are still people who fall for all of this but she obviously has emotional issues that need to be addressed.
Maybe the shock of not being able to pay her mortgage for a few months is what she needs. Stop giving her money as you are enabling her.
She needs to learn, even at this later stage, that trust needs to be earned. By everyone. That what you see, is often not the whole truth, or in her case, even part of the truth.
See, how can she call you cynical. Alarming.
Garlic, I was stitched up a bit too by a long term ex- but I had been with him for many years and I fought him tooth and nail so he didn't get anything!
Yam and Garlic, Yes she does like to help people and is very trusting, he has taken full advantage of that, she calls me cynical, I like to call it realistic!
I agree she has been abused and I have told her so, I am here for her, but she must stop giving him money- she has sworn to me that she wont
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.