Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Friend ripped off for 35K by guy on Match.com- I need to talk her round HELP!

(180 Posts)
Friendinneed13 Mon 08-Jul-13 23:44:20

Hi All,

Am regular (ish) poster but name changed on this occasion!

A single friend who I met through work is a regular on match.com, she is in her mid forties, attractive, smart and has a great job with an excellent salary.

She met a guy on match.com approx 4-5 months ago, they had been speaking for around two weeks when they decided to meet up- on that night that had sex and spent the whole weekend together which she refers to as 'special'....

The following week at work she told me all about her weekend and that continued to tell me that he had financial problems with his business and she had invested/ lent him £10,000- she said he didn?t want to take it and she had to convince him to!!

I was so angry with her and told her so- which she didn?t like- I told her he was ripping her off etc. etc. and she promised not to give him any more money.

But??.In the last few months she has given him a further £25,000, his business folded and now he is going from one disaster to another, loan sharks, bailiffs, can?t pay rent; no food etc. which I think is all bullshit by the way.

He has told her so many lies, many of which he admits to when found out- for example he said he was getting a loan to pay her back but when she showed me the email- I did some digging and found that it was a fake email address etc. - when she confronted him he admitted it, but said he only did it because loan sharks where after him and he needed her to lend him more money etc.

She also seems in denial that he has a gambling problem- soon after meeting they went to Monte Carlo for the weekend and he spent most of the time in the casino alone gambling and losing large sums of money ? yet she continues to help him although they are not in a relationship and never really were.

I need help to convince her of what I KNOW is the truth a) He is a conman who constantly lies to her to procure money b) He is a gambler and that?s where her money is going. Every month she says that she will not give him any more money, but this month alone he has already had £1500 from her, her savings has been totally wiped out by this wanker and when payday comes around he piles on the pressure to ?borrow? more money, always promising to pay it back from some deal or property sale etc?

The problem is that although I think she is now coming around to the idea that he has ripped her off, she feels that he has some good in him and if she doesn?t help him stay afloat she will see none of her money back- she borrowed £1500 from me last month to pay her mortgage as she had given all her money to him- which she did pay me back, but her financial situation is dire at the moment because of him.
My friend likes to think she is a canny business woman, and a good judge of character then why can?t she see this guy for what he is a liar and a thief? I don?t want to lose her friendship and I care for her very much, but I?ve spent nearly two hours on the phone with her tonight as she has lent him the £1500 and now he is not answering her calls/text- which is something he has done before- she doesn?t even know where he is living now.

How do I convince her to go to the police and to STOP GIVING HIM MONEY??? HELP!

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 08-Jul-13 23:53:38

Oh dear. I don't think you're going to convince her by the sound of it. Do you have enough information about this man to report him to the police yourself? A name and address?

VodkaJelly Mon 08-Jul-13 23:54:11

How do I convince her to go to the police and to STOP GIVING HIM MONEY??? HELP!

You cant.

Only when she wakes up and realises she has been ripped off will she stop giving him money. In the mean time she thinks she is in love and is desperate not to lose him.

Until that happens there is nothing you can do or say that will stop her.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 08-Jul-13 23:57:53

Sorry, just saw that you don't know where he is living. Even so, I would report as much as you have to the police... the Match.com connection (presumably you need some kind of contact details to register), the various e-mail addresses. He sounds like a seasoned con-man, I doubt he has a gambling problem, and I would think your friend isn't his only victim.

Friendinneed13 Mon 08-Jul-13 23:59:46

Cognito- I have a name but not an address and the way she feels at the moment she would never forgive me if i went to the police- as she feels if he ran she would never get her money back.

Vodka- What i dont understand is why she keeps doing it, every month she promises me she wont and then she gives him large sums of money and asks me to lent her money for her mortgage sad

Friendinneed13 Tue 09-Jul-13 00:01:13

Cognito- exactly I KNOW she isnt the only one- i bet he has done this many times before.... but she wont listen

Friendinneed13 Tue 09-Jul-13 00:02:43

She had given him all her savings..... everything she had and now she is giving him her monthly wages too- i am really worried about her

ImperialBlether Tue 09-Jul-13 00:06:35

Why would police involvement mean she won't get her money back?

I think you need to practise tough love, to be honest. Does anyone else know? It must be so frustrating for you.

morethanpotatoprints Tue 09-Jul-13 00:06:44

Hello Op.

Firstly, so sorry for your friend. i hope she realises soon she won't get her money back.
Just a thought, but if you don't lend her the money she can't give it to him, which will force his/her hand.
Do you think she would actually go under herself for this man though?

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 09-Jul-13 00:07:42

So what if she never forgives you? She'll never get the money back - that's delusional thinking - and she could lose everything at this rate. House, job, life savings... sanity. This is a nasty crook and he shouldn't be out there preying on gullible women via dating sites. He's already started to disappear into the woodwork and you have to act before he sinks without trace. If you saw your friend being held up at gun-point you'd call the police... so please ignore your friend's deluded feelings & call them. You may lose your friend but it's the only responsible thing to do.

Val007 Tue 09-Jul-13 00:08:06

Ok, where is the woman who mocked me for suggesting you should let the man pay for the first few weeks?

Please come on here and give me your views on THIS situation!

Who is the scrounger and leech now?...

On the subject - OP, what happened to your friend could happen to any woman and has happened to many good women. There isn't much you can do until she wakes up to the truth. But please, do not lend her any more money, as this will prolong her agony...

amistillsexy Tue 09-Jul-13 00:10:59

Stop lending her money for her mortgage. You are enabling her to carry on giving him money.
He will never pay this money back to her. He has stolen it. She needs to realise this herself.

ImperialBlether Tue 09-Jul-13 00:11:49

But Val, to gain someone's confidence it's likely someone would pay for things at first, don't you think? A few dinners here and there before asking for hard cash. That's presumably why she thought he'd pay it back - if he hadn't got money for half a pint when they first met, I doubt she would've lent him anything.

Oh and I agree with the poster who said you should do what you'd do when you saw her being attacked, because this is exactly what's happening.

Val007 Tue 09-Jul-13 00:15:43

ImperialBlether smile, which leads me to believe it should be more the first few months, rather than weeks wink.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 09-Jul-13 00:20:02

Glad you're finding this so amusing Val007....

There is a difference between going halves on dinner and giving someone $10K on a first date. If you have difficulty appreciating this fact then maybe you should let the man pay for the first few weeks/months. But then, if you have difficulty appreciating that fact you maybe shouldn't be dating at all.

skyeskyeskye Tue 09-Jul-13 00:33:12

Has she met my ex husband hmm

Seriously though, I'm not sure what the Police can do if she has willingly given him this money.. And continues to give him money...

Val007 Tue 09-Jul-13 00:38:30

TolliverGroat, you know what? I have been there, done that. Really!

Many times going halves on dinner and lending him money go hand in hand. One of my leech exes took me to dinner. And then took out some cash out of his pocket (lent my me!!!) and paid for his part of the bill. Hahaha. He is the one who was practically living off me. Sweet talk and no substance. And thousands down the drain before I woke up.

So... after being fucked up so hard, I decided to play it as safe as possible. Can you blame me?...

TigerSwallowTail Tue 09-Jul-13 00:55:53

If you're thinking of going to the police then I think you should sooner than later, her savings have been wiped, she's struggling with her mortgage payments she's now borrowing money from friends and he's not answering calls or texts. He could be thinking of doing a runner as she's now out of money.

Friendinneed13 Tue 09-Jul-13 01:00:44

Imperial- I think she fears that if he was arrested she wouldnt get any money back as it would disappear or he would run (he has connections in spain)

More than- She lent him her mortgage money without even knowing whether i would lent it to her, so i could hardly refuse when she asked- it would have been very difficult, i dont think she would let herself go completely under, but certainly she has put his needs/wants over hers, she has a large tax bill due soon which some of her savings would have been used to pay.

Cogito- I dont think she should forgive me if i went to the police, and i have to work with her- closely! I think she would see that as the last straw she is hoping she can work on him to get her money back- which is fine but she keeps giving him more!

Ami - i agree he has stolen her money and she will never get it back- but why wont she listen??

Her Mum also knows (20k at least) and is driven to distraction by it- they have had huge rows, but she had now gone quiet as my friend told her its none of her business who she gives money to.

ImperialBlether Tue 09-Jul-13 01:06:09

You are going to have to stage an intervention, OP. You really are. She can't lose any more money to this man.

Did you see a program on TV the other night about online dating? A woman on it had lost about £70,000 I think to a man she'd never actually met. Once she told him she had no more money, she didn't hear from him again.

One thing - does your friend have anything with his fingerprints on? His DNA?

ImperialBlether Tue 09-Jul-13 01:06:49

She is gambling herself now, isn't she? She can't face the fact she's lost everything so she'll fling everything else she has after it.

Friendinneed13 Tue 09-Jul-13 01:06:59

The situation is complicated- his previous business failed and he has since set up a new office- he also has a daughter in the north, so he has an incentive to stick around.

He is just dodgy iykwim, ducking and diving etc always some deal on the go, people chasing him for money, always a story, a line, always needing money.....

TNETENNBA Tue 09-Jul-13 01:07:08

Whatever you do DO NOT lend her any money. Please sad

I don't know why people do this. It seems so so stupid but you hear stories of it happening again and again.

Have you met him? Can you get his photograph and fingerprints?

I can't think of any advice other than to tell her bluntly as possible.

He about phoning the police (non emergancy obviously) and asking for advice?

ImperialBlether Tue 09-Jul-13 01:07:31

No, OP. Always wanting money.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now