Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Back for more wise words

(89 Posts)
mummytasha11 Mon 08-Jul-13 20:49:47

Hi everyone

Have posted on here quite a lot recently and found all the advice great...hopefully this will be the last time..

So my ex fiancé has said he has now realised (4 months) later the mistake he has made and asked if its too late to sort things. Last week he said he loved me and always will but he doesn't want to be in a relationship right now but now he's saying all this.

Background is he left me in march our wedding was booked for aug. he also left me 2 years ago when i was pregnant with our ds

He did find out yesterday that I have been speaking to someone else ( nice guy I met out a few weeks ago)

I have said that I cnt see a future for us as a couple because I don't trust him and can't see me ever feeling the same

Am I doing the right thing?

Jux Sat 13-Jul-13 10:35:54

You probably aren't indecisive really. You've had your head messed with so much for so long that you don't know which way is up. Ibet if he said that black was white you'd be spending some time seeing white - just because he said it was.

Keep any contact with him as short as possible. Try not to see him at all - do you have someone you can ask to do handovers for you? The less opportunity he has to mess with you, the more sure you will become. You'll see things so much more clearly.

NettleTea Fri 12-Jul-13 22:27:41

arrange for someone else to do the contact handover. the longer you go without seeing him the stronger you will feel, and the more you will realise you dont need a creep like that messing with your head

mummytasha11 Fri 12-Jul-13 22:14:45

I think I probably am or maybe it's just fear of the unknown

yamsareyammy Fri 12-Jul-13 22:01:30

Are you naturally an indecisive person?

mummytasha11 Fri 12-Jul-13 21:28:07

I have sent him a text message saying basically I have thought about it and my decision is the same and I don't see any point in meeting up as will be too hard.

He replied saying I was afraid of that

Now I have to face him tomorrow as he is having his son....

Hope I have done the right thing

Jux Fri 12-Jul-13 08:54:36

Don't meet him at the w/e. you can easily text him with a short message "can't make it, sorry". If he wants to know why, you don't actually owe him an answer and you don't have to explain. You can, if you must, just say something has come up. That's the absolute most he's entitled to. Don't give him more.

You have no need to meet him, to listen to his lies again.

Get on with your life. Make it a happy one without this lying tosser figuring in it.

Your son will be fine seeing his dad every other w/e, like millions of other children are. Your son will not be fine with a dad who is constantly lying, controlling you, making you miserable and stressed. Call a halt to it now. You have nothing to gain by allowing this to continue and everything to lose.

Don't do it to yourself. Don't do it to your boy.

Beckamaw Fri 12-Jul-13 07:52:49

I don't know your ex, and nor do the other posters. This is probably the thought that is keeping your hope afloat.

However, if you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you always had.
You think your child deserves a chance at a stable life with both parents. Your ex has never, ever given that option!!
Put your child first. A child deserves stability; not some prick who swans in and out as he feels fit.

Choose. Choose to have yourself and your precious child crapped on again. Choose to confuse your child completely. Choose to have your child think this is a normal and desirable way to conduct relationships. Or choose to reject your ex and give him the stability he deserves.

The power is all in your hands.

Walkacrossthesand Fri 12-Jul-13 07:18:41

Here's the thing. You've been unable to hold out against his wheedling/guilt-tripping even when it's not face-to-face, and you've agreed to meet up with him. Chances of you holding fast and not giving him 'another chance' when you meet up? Approximately zero. Chances of you being back here in 6months/1year/whatever, because history has repeated itself and you wish you hadn't? Approximately 100%. You're the only one that can change the course of this particular river. He doesn't want to - he likes the way things are - and we can't do it for you.

Mixxy Fri 12-Jul-13 04:17:48

I hate to attack OPs, but doha has a point. Nobody here has told you, in any way, that taking him back is a good idea. In fact, it seems like a no-brainer. However, if you want to walk down the aisle with this pig, go ahead. Sounds like you want it. Just don't complain when it goes tits up. Which it will of course...

Doha Thu 11-Jul-13 23:20:57

Are you actually enjoying the drama of it all Mummytasha11???

IAmNotAMindReader Thu 11-Jul-13 20:16:51

Just because he isn't a complete ogre and does have some nice points does not mean you owe him the rest of your life.

You have many reasons to end it with him but you don't seem to feel they are valid. Honestly, because you want to end it is a good enough reason alone.

fruminousbandersnatch Thu 11-Jul-13 19:56:00

OP, You've been given brilliant advice on this thread and you've ignored it.

What is the point of talking at the weekend? You know that if you see him you will be talked into giving him 'another chance' to fuck you over again.

I give up.

Doha Thu 11-Jul-13 19:38:20

So why wait until the weekend for the final answer?

I hope that does not mean that you are considering taking him back. If you are more fool you. If you are not wanting him back pout an end to this nonsense now and stop dragging it out.

mummytasha11 Thu 11-Jul-13 19:34:57

I have asked him to give me some space and we will talk at the weekend and I will give him my final answer....can't see it going well

Jux Wed 10-Jul-13 23:02:26

Annie is soooo right. You owe this pathetic excuse for a man nothing.

What will happen?

You take him back: you spend the whole time walking eggshells because you will never know whether he's just going to dump you again today. And your ds getting older and noticing when his dad suddenly disappears from e family home and that mummy is sad and upset.

And you know beyond all doubt that he will dump you again.

Youd don't take him: you get stronger and stronger without him. You go out on some dates, some of which will be better than oers. You meet a genuinely nice man who loves you and ds and you live a happy life, and so does your ds - who is completely OK with his dad not being around as it's always been like that. He grows up feeling loved and safe, and well adjusted.

Block his number on your phone, or simply change your sim and do not give him the number of the new one. Use the current sim for calls from him but only put it in the phone once a month when you have a friend with you so you can be strong when you see his texts etc.

Tell your ex that he can only contact you via email and only about contact with ds.

Zyn Wed 10-Jul-13 21:52:15

listen to Annie. I agree, what is he like telling you about his feelings of emptiness after he left you twice confused

Anniegetyourgun Wed 10-Jul-13 19:34:46

And why, pray, are his feelings of emptiness your responsibility?

What did you do to make him feel empty? You gave birth to his baby, you forgave him for shagging around and running off, you booked a wedding, you looked forward to a life with the father of your child. And what did he do? He fecked off again. I bet you felt empty inside 'n' all, but did he take responsibility for that? No - he's just telling you now how he feels.

I totally agree with everyone who's said it's actually to do with another man sniffing around "his" property, er, fiancée, er, ex-fiancée... basically that if he ever should feel like strolling back into your life you might not be available to be strolled back to. This has caused him a temporary panic, but you can be pretty sure that once everything is back to what previously passed for normal he'll be ready to bolt again.

Ever heard the saying "Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me"? He's heading for a third go. The only shame you should feel is letting yourself be taken for a mug yet again.

Now play this old, cheesy anthem, swiftly followed by this one, and any others you like that basically say "sod you for leaving me", dance around with DS and revel in a lucky escape.

yamsareyammy Wed 10-Jul-13 19:19:40

He is very emotionally clever isnt he?

tribpot Wed 10-Jul-13 18:52:16

He's been sending me pictures of the good times we had and saying he feels empty inside

Yes. He's manipulating you. Newsflash: it's what he does.

Xales Wed 10-Jul-13 18:36:43

How did you when he left you?

How did you feel phoning up and cancelling the wedding venue?

How did you feel cancelling where you were having your service?

How did you feel cancelling the dress? The cake? The flowers? The rings?

How did you feel telling all your friends and family?

Did you take off an engagement ring? How did that feel?

Did your child cry for him since he left? How do you think your child feels?

You are just starting to pull yourself together and move on.

Don't be a fool and take him back.

Xales Wed 10-Jul-13 18:31:38

Those pictures he is sending you. When are they of? Had he left the first time? Or the second?

The pictures may be of fantastically great times.

They can never replace the heartache and shit that your child has gone through the last 4 months.

They will never make it worth having this man back for when he does it again. You know full well he will do it again.

Because if you take him back you are showing him no matter how shit he treats you and your child you will have him back so he can do what he likes.

Who cares how your child copes with it?

Officershitty Wed 10-Jul-13 17:16:14

AnyFucker, sadly I have the feeling you might be right. But I hope not.

AnyFucker Wed 10-Jul-13 17:11:06

I suspect we are all wasting our time here

Jan45 Wed 10-Jul-13 17:09:16

When you said he left when you were pregnant I immediately thought into the arms of another woman, which you have now confirmed, then he left just before you were due to get married, there's enough signs there now to tell you this isn't going to work.

And, now, that he knows you're in conversation with another man, he's all over you, what does that tell you?

Have your fun with the new guy, in fact have fun with whatever guy takes your fancy, go enjoy your life and don't let this deadbeat drag you down any more, he's not for you, if he was, you wouldn't be in this situation.

By all means give him one last chance if you must, but I'm sure if you do you will realise pretty quickly that it's the end.

wispa31 Wed 10-Jul-13 17:08:17

do.not.go.back. EVER!! someone once said something to me which i think you need to hear - look back, but dont stare.
no good will come of going back to him. he is only sniffing around as another man has shown an interest in you, give this man a chance, even if just for a coffee or lunch or something, doesnt have to mean declaring undying love for him but just for you to see that it is possible to enjoy life without this pathetic loser.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now